I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Friday, September 27, 2002

Friday Five!

1. What are your favorite ways to relax and unwind?
I love to sleep, but because I sleep 23 hours a day, it gets boring to sleep in all the same places, so I either jump onto the shelf in Mommy's closet or hide under her suitcases in the bottom of her closet, just for a change of scenery. I also sleep in her workclothes while she's showering, and in her boxes-o-shoes -- especially the dressy shoes that hold cat hair so much better than leather shoes. And then I sleep in cabinets, in sinks, under furniture, on chairs and in bookcases.

2. What do you do the moment you get home from work/school/errands?
Mommy is saying something about us going away for the weekend (and I'll kill the bitch with my smelly poop if she's serious!), but otherwise I don't leave home much. But when I come back, I usually go throw up in her bed, to show my disgust at having to leave the house and therefore having to miss several of my naps.

3. What are your favorite aromatherapeutic smells?
Arm & Hammer Cat Litter with Crystals, when it's first poured into my litterbox, smells so pretty -- it just makes you want to take a dump, the second it hits the box. And the smell of anything like chicken, turkey or seafood is my idea of aromatherapy! Mmmm ... and cardboard! Oh, how I love cardboard boxes ... they just get me high!

Another interesting scent: Mommy does have these cool patchouli candles that I like to sit on ... patchouli and burning fur have a distinctly pleasing odor, when combined! Although, I can never figure out why my ass gets so hot when she has candles burning in the house. ...

4. Do you feel more relaxed with a group of friends or hanging out by yourself?
I'm a hermit crab, like my Aunt Tiff. We both hang around the house a lot, but she's always typing on that damn computer -- I think she has imaginary friends that she believes are inside it. Mommy used to have boatloads of friends when we lived in Shitzburg, but she doesn't have as many down here, which is good for me because I don't have to entertain much company, the way I was expected to do in the old city. I love to play with my little striped mouse that my Unca Janna gave me -- he's the only friend I need. :)

5. What is something that you feel is relaxing but most people don't?
Nothing relaxes a catnip-crazed cutie like myself better than perching on the edge of a bed or coffee table and falling asleep there. I would imagine most humans would not feel comfortable snoozin' on the edge of furniture, but it's something that makes me happy, except when I fall off. 'Cause that hurts. :-)

Thursday, September 26, 2002

New Litter

Mommy finally changed my litter. Gawd, if only she knew how unpleasant it is, pooping on mounds of crusty old poop from nearly a week ago. She's really sick and almost puked in my box this morning as she was removing the old litter. Hah.

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

My Booty Stank

Mommy has this song she sings to me -- she swears she heard it on the Internet in 1996, but who only knows, with her, if she made it up or not. It goes a little somethin' like this:

"Wash the coochie, honey.
Somethin' smells like fish
Don't care what you thank
Your booty stank.
Wash that coochie, honey."

She has air fresheners all over the house, which smell yummy ... you can barely smell the scent of ass in the house now!!! She's changing my litter before we leave town this weekend so that I can come back to a fresh pan. Woo hoo! Mommy doesn't like stanky booties in her house, so she and I scrub our butts often!!! Never know when you're gonna encounter a tomcat, so we believe in keeping a clean pussy, just in case someone might wanna see it!!! lol

Monday, September 23, 2002

*point and laugh*

Aunt Tiff is bitter because she can't blog. She said something about something called a DDOS and IP blocking so Blogger doesn't work. But I can still blog, so I'm going to point and laugh at her... HA HA. :D

Friday, September 20, 2002


I have a human under my butt. I am shedding on her black dress. I am insistent that she pet me. And let me use her computer.

Thursday, September 19, 2002

I got new litter ... I got new litter

Just doin' a Cabbage Patch Dance 'cuz I love clean litter to shit upon. Woo Hoo!!! Thanks, Mommy!!! I didn't even poop on your rug today ... just my little way of saying thank you!!!

Just so Aunt Tiff didn't feel left out, I let her clean up a huge hairball last night. Oh, the pleasure they must derive from having me in their lives. ...

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

Chinese food?

Mommy told me this morning that she is gonna sell me to the Chinese restaurant on Pickett Street. Mmm ... mmm ... I'll get to eat all the chicken I want!!! I'm not sure why she said that, but she did say it after she was cleaning up my poop for the third time from her bathroom rug. ... Uh oh. ...

Shall we join together in a rousing chorus of "Oops I Did it Again"? (see yesterday's entry for the lyrics ... perhaps we should call it "Poop! I Did it Again.")

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

ooooh, bunnies

Today, while borrowing Aunt Tiff's computer to write my masterful Britney parody (call me, Britney, we need to talk about your image- I'm the expert on sex kittens), the screensaver went on. It has little bunnies running across the screen and shooting arrows and stuff. I think she said she got it from something called the Time Hunt or whatever. Anyway, I love this screensaver. I could watch it for hours. It's way better than any of that Law & Order or Sex & the City crap Aunt Tiff and Mommy are always watching. And bunnies are yummy. I think they should make bunny flavored Mow Mix. It's not like Seafood Middles is really "the taste cats naturally crave." Since when do you see a cat jumping into the ocean to chase down some shrimp? And don't get me started on beef-flavored Mow Mix. I may be a stealthy huntress, but I am not the natural predator of the COW. I am far too dainty to go ripping across a field to take down a cow. But a bunny? Sure, I could take down a bunny.

Cat food marketing people are assholes.

And I just got through a whole entry without mentioning poop. Oops, never mind. :D

Move Over, Britney

"Oops, I did it again
I shit on the floor
On Mommy's blue rug
Oooh, baby baby. ...
Oops, you think I that I care
That you've gotta wash it again
I'm not that interested."

-- Maddie's version of "Oops I Did it Again" --

Monday, September 16, 2002

Kitty Booty

My catty litter reeks. Will somebody please either scoop the poop out of it or just change the pan entirely? I love to wave my furry tail in the faces of my favorite humans, but they keep telling me that I stink. Perhaps with clean litter, my kitty booty will no longer be so foul to you people.

Aunt Tom said he had trouble with the donation button to the Maddie is Hungry Fund. Don't worry, faithful readers, I've contacted PayPal and they're helping us with the problem. :) Mommy recently bought me Mow Mix Seafood Middles, 'cuz that makes me throw up the least. I'm not sure I like it too much, but I'm fine with that as long as she isn't buying me that diet cat food bullshit ... so what if I'm 16 pounds? I lose eight pounds every time I get a bath, so I know it's mostly fur, anyway.

Mommy was happy this weekend ... she and Aunt Daddy (IKEA Boy, for those who read Mommy's blog) went out and had some fun. Does that mean my parents are getting back together? Eeek! Mommy is a a gay man in a woman's body, and Aunt Daddy is a woman in a gay man's body ... what a pair!!! Thank goodness they had me fixed at a young age, or I'd be humping everything in sight, just like they do. (hah! I slay me!) Perhaps the Maddie is Hungry Fund should cover mental health services for me as well, because of my dysfunctional family structure. And I'll keep hoping for Mommy to find a boyfriend so she's happy like Daddy, 'cuz he has one, and then I would have two stepfathers! :D

Friday, September 13, 2002

Well, I'm Pissed

I was all lookin' forward to Friday Five, but all the questions have something to do with attending school. Shit! So now what do I Blog about? Who creates these questions? I'm gonna do my own. ...

1. What is your favorite thing to do?
Download Kitty Porn. And eat. And sleep. And poop.

2. Who is your favorite person on earth?
Grandma. Although I know she'd rather have a human grandchild, she's accepted the fact that Mommy hangs out with boys who have boyfriends -- and that all the straight boys Mommy has dated are morons -- so she spoils me. That, and we both have tan, black and white hair, so we look like sisters. :) Sorry Grandma! I know you like for people to think that those errant white hairs are actually blonde!!! ;)

3. What is your least favorite memory?
June 24, 2002 -- moving to Virginia!!! Mommy hadn't slept in two days, and she put me in my cage in the backseat, but as soon as she went to make the turn down Arlington Road on Mount Washington in Pittsburgh, my cage toppled over and I went sailing and bonked my little head. She had to pull over and put me in the front seat, in my cage so I couldn't jump out the window like I planned to do. Humph. I howled for 59 miles, at which time Mommy was on the Pennsylvania Turnpike and we still had a few hours in the car to go. That's when I lost my voice ... and my will.

She kept singing to me and talking to me, but girlfriend was delirious and driving like a maniac, so I hoped if I stayed quiet, she'd shut up. We listened to lots of music, which was really loud and annoying to my little ears. Mommy stopped and tried to give me some cat food halfway through the trip, but I was too tired to tell her to just drive the car straight to hell -- anything to get me outta that cage! Then we arrived at our new home and there was this weird chick there (my new Aunt Tiff), and I didn't understand where my furniture was (it was lost in transit for several days 'cuz our moving company SUCKED!!!). Argh ... bad day. :)

4. What is your favorite memory?
I used to live with my Unca Janna, when she and Mommy were roommates, many years ago. I loved getting into her room 'cuz she always closed the door, and sometimes I would fall asleep for too long and I'd have to go to the bathroom. I pooped on her bed many, many times, and I'm still alive to tell the story today!

When Unca Janna first moved into our house in 1996, she and Aunt Christopher were making spaghetti to celebrate the move. Mommy was at work, so they wanted to be cute and feed me human food, so I ate the spaghetti, and my tummy hurt so after Unca Janna got done putting her new sheets and blankets on her brand-new bed, I jumped up to say hello to her. Unfortunately, the spaghetti was not agreeing with my belly, and as I jumped up, lots and lots of poop came flying out of my little bum, so her new comforter smelled like me. Hah.

5. Why do you poop and throw up everywhere but your litterbox?
Mommy asked me this question, so I wanted to respond (Mommy's in the kitchen, guzzling Blackberry Merlot like it's fucking water right now, by the way. She was out with Aunt Daddy all day and decided to skip going to the gym tonight). I empty my belly and my bum wherever and WHENEVER the mood strikes. Thus, if I happen to be nestling happily in Mommy's dress clothes while she's taking a shower before work, and my Mow Mix backs up on me, I leave it right there, where I was sleeping. 'Cuz I can always move somewhere else so I don't have to look at what came out of my mouth or ass. And she has to clean it up anyway, so why not give her something to do? Besides, while she's cleaning up my kitty droppings, I get to use her computer and share my stories with YOU!!!

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

My Tummy Hurts

I don't feel good. I know Mommy didn't sleep last night 'cuz we live real close to the Pentagon and for some weird reason, she was nervous that bad things might happen today. I'm not really sure what that's all about, but today's an ordinary day in my world. I stayed up with her last night, so I caught up on my sleep today and am a happy little kitty, except for my belly grumbling a little bit.

I love my Mommy, because I left a big, hot, steaming pile of poop in the middle of her cobalt blue bathroom rug last night, and she hugged me and fed me treats. Even when she saw the long brown skid marks I made while wiping my ass along the brand-new hallway carpet, she didn't get too mad. Perhaps it is because my deadbeat daddy gave her an anxiety pill that made her sleepy, but she wordlessly scrubbed the poop out of the carpet and threw the bathroom rugs into the washing machine. I will try very hard to not poop on the newly washed rugs but instead leave it safely hidden under Aunt Tiff's computer desk so that Mommy doesn't see it.

Mommy may be po' and can't afford to pay all of her bills, and that makes her sad sometimes, but she loves me a lot and does what she could to make sure I'm happy and feeling okay. Mommy rocks! Please, please make a donation to the Maddie is Hungry Fund so that Mommy can buy me different food that doesn't make me poop so much!!!

Sunday, September 08, 2002

Lazy Sunday

Mommy has this thing she does called Friday Five. I know it's Sunday, but I'm bored and I don't have to poop right now so I thought I'd see why she finds this stuff so amusing:

1. What is your biggest pet peeve? Why?
God damn it, I hate everybody and everything under the sun. Therefore, everything that they do pisses me off.

2. What irritating habits do you have?
I am so very loveable -- who could ever be annoyed by me? I wake my mommy up every day by tap dancing on her head and waving my tail in her face -- I know she must love having a walking-and-talking alarm clock. And I always poop on top of my litter and never bury it -- I know that Mommy and Aunt Tiff are very proud of how much poop I produce and I am certain they enjoy seeing it after I have produced it. And when I cough up my hairballs, I always make sure to do it where everyone can see it on the bright white carpet -- I am certain Mommy and Aunt Tiff are very glad that I do not hide my hairballs so that they can see them and clean them up right away. And my most impressive habit that is extra-adorable is the fact that I am not ashamed to be clean, even if that means licking my crotch in front of company -- I know they are very happy that their guests know that they have a very clean pussy in the house!!!

3. Have you tried to change the irritating habits or just let them be?
I told you, I am adorable, damn it. Why should I ever change that?

4. What grosses you out more than anything else? Why?
I was always most perturbed when Mommy would have boys over to the house and they would kick me off the bed. I don't know why, as it is my bed and she should really ask for my permission to use it. However, with the weird noises they were making, I was pretty disgusted anyway, so I left the room but made sure to shit in somebody's shoes to express my discontent. I never shit in Mommy's shoes, though. You don't ever fuck with the woman who feeds you!

5. What one thing can you never see yourself doing that other people do?
Staying awake longer than an hour per day, pooping in a real toilet, using silverware to eat my food, not licking my crotch whenever I damn well please, drinking water out of a glass and not the bathroom sink, and having a job. Fuck that crap!

Friday, September 06, 2002


Mommy's making sausage-stuffed mushrooms and a taco ring for a potluck dinner tonight at my deadbeat daddy's house. Bitch hasn't cooked since the last time we had guests at our old apartment (we used to have a lot of guests, though! But then again, they were mostly 'overnight' guests 'cuz Mommy's a hoe-biscuit), and do you think she's even letting me sample anything? Not that I even like beef, but I felt like I should record it for posterity that, after days of having no food in the house, Mommy cooked!!! Go, asshole!


Wednesday, September 04, 2002

Mmm ... mmm good!

Mommy fed me Whiskas in the pouch last night (hooray for credit cards!). Yummy! I love it, although Mommy gags every time she catches a whiff of the sumptuous gravy in the packets. It's about time I got some good food ... I've been eating Mow Mix for more than a week straight. I hate it when she's po'.

Off to drink from the bathroom sink!!!

Sunday, September 01, 2002

Dear occupants of the house:

It is 10:35 a.m. I am hungry. In fact, I am starving. Just because your lazy asses don't bother to eat breakfast does not mean that my little kitty tummy isn't growling. If I could help myself to the large container of Mow Mix, I would be pleased to not disturb you from playing on the computers and/or watching your TVs. However, I am not dexterous enough to open the container myself, so I shall plant a hairball firmly upon the carpet to get your attention. Just watch me. ...