I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Friday, April 28, 2006

A room of one's own

It's not much, but it's all mine ...

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Crappy Bunny

Subtitle: How Maddie left Alexandria

We moved. We lived. Oh, the drama.

Kadi's first trauma

This was Kadi's first move, and she was terrorized. I was all, "Jesus Christ, Mommy -- AGAIN?!?! Why are you torturing me?"

While Mommy's peeps were taking all of our stuff to the curb, kitty hi-jinx ensued. Unfortunately, that meant the evil bitch Mommy decided to cage our asses and throw us in the car for the duration of the move out. And THEN she parked our caged asses on the balcony during the move in! We couldn't get underfoot anymore or go ripping out of the house and wandering the building. Asshole, takin' away our freedom!

Mommy freed us after the guys left -- our boy Rob noted that I was eyeballing him rather viciously, which I was 'cause he called me FAT and asked what Mommy feeds me, so he just waved goodbye to us. I shot him the paw.

In the meantime, Kadi has been hissing and growling at everything. Like, lamps. I'm serious -- I know she's out of her element, but other than the new TV that arrived today (that's sittin' on the floor 'cause Mommy's a dumbass and didn't buy the right size for the entertainment center. Asshole!), there's pretty little that should be unfamiliar to her.

Then again, this is the cat who picks fights with vacuum cleaners, so I'm not surprised.

Another new house!

I'm over this moving shit -- in my 10 years, we lived in three places in Pittsburgh, two in Alexandria and now one in D.C. Six fucking moves! Christ! Woman, are you trying to KILL me?!?!?

This one, though, is the nicest one of all. I simply cannot WAIT to christen the new carpet with its very first shit streak, although Mommy did pull a poop clump out of my ass when I jumped on her new white bedding and she noted that I stunk more than usual. Bitch.

Almost forgotten!

I have to tell a story first. Mommy always lets us girls hang out on the balcony. On Thursday night at the old house, around 2 a.m., she yelled for us to come in. But she didn't do her usual thorough tail check.

Kadi came right inside when she was called (suck-up), so Mommy let her in. But here's the deal. Around 4:30 a.m., after no sleep, Mommy was hauling her pillows to the car when she heard frantic, familiar meowing. FROM ME!

I'd found a new hiding place -- the utility room that's only accessible from the porch. And yes, I was being bratty and didn't come when I was called. I never do! So, I was locked out for two hours. Mommy coulda kicked my dirty, furry ass.

But, I didn't learn my lesson.

When I sauntered out of my carrier at the new place, the first thing I did was try to open the storage-room door that's on the new porch. But guess what that 'ho had done? She'd duct-taped it shut, just in case I would find out how to open the new door like I did the old one. I was foiled!

Anyway, we are enjoying the labyrinth o'boxes. The floors are way too clean, though, so Kadi has kicked litter all over the kitchen and I've personalized the place in my own ways, too.

Crappy Bunny

Lest I not leave one last mark on the old house, Mommy was going to bring with us our little rug with Happy Bunny on it that had been parked in our old Pooh Corner. It says "It's all about me." Because, duh, it is!

While the guys were finishing up the move, Mommy was on her knees, crawling around trying to clean up Pooh Corner. Whereupon she knelt on the rug and promptly squashed a big round turd. The guys acted like they didn't notice, but Mommy smelled like my ass. Hahahaaaaaaaaaaa.

It reminded her of this guy Mark who lived on her and Unca Janna's floor during their freshman year of college. On his last day in the dorms, he announced that he had to go take his "last ceremonial dump before (he left) this shithole."

Heh -- I'm sure he'd die to know that's how they remember him, but alas, that's how Maddie skidded out of Alexandria.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Don't sh*t where you eat

Last night I performed quite the feat. I shit on the dining room table.

Now, before you get in an uproar and tell me that stupid saying that you're not supposed to shit where you eat, hear me out. Mommy's throwing the table away. She had been planning to get rid of it in the move anyway, so it's not like anyone's going to eat where I shit.

But here's the fun part. It's a glass tabletop, which she had leaned against the wall behind Pooh Corner to deflect errant litter sprayings. When she came home last night, she sniffed and promptly asked me where I'd shit. I looked at her all innocently like, "Moi? Shit? Girls don't do that! Am all proper and ladylike. I've been sitting here on the couch all day -- I haven't done anything!"

And for awhile, she didn't see any errant cat droppings on the floor, so she wrote it off as Kadi having one of her noxious fart fests.

But then as she was scooping the box shortly thereafter, she discovered a perfect round turd stuck to the glass, about a foot above the floor.

Now, I've been known to take a shit and wipe my ass on a wall in my day, but she's still puzzling over how it was not a shit streak but rather a whole big, fat stinky turd, stuck to the wall.

Told you I'm clever - I can now add shitting up a wall to my 20-page resume of places I've crapped. How many other cats have mastered such a feat?!?!

Saturday, April 15, 2006

La poupe beaucoup

If you think I'm funny in English, you'll love me in French! Merde!!! :)

Anyway, Mommy went to our new house and set up Pooh Corner today. (At 5 a.m. The bitch is an insomniac.) She stopped for breakfast at Einstein's on her way home at 8:30 a.m., and she was so exhausted from not sleeping for days that she ordered, "The Ranchero Poohnani sandwich."

Whereupon, the man behind the counter was all, "What?"

And Mommy stared at him for awhile, wondering why he wasn't comprehending her. So, she finally pointed at the sign for the sandwich. But then she realized that she didn't say Panini -- she said Poohnani.

Like I always say, you say panini; I say poohnani. Although Mommy is pleased that our new place doesn't smell like poohnani -- it smells like cleaning products and air fresheners.

Hah -- pretty soon she won't have to go to Einie's to order poohnani ... I'll serve it up hot and fresh every day for FREE!!!!

Friday, April 14, 2006

A room of puss' own

Oh gawd.

Mommy was trying to save some money by delaying our visit to the pussy doctor, but alas, the new apartment building has requested my rabies tag. Which means, I have to go get shot! Soon! Or they won't let me in the house!!!

Mommy's cool with leaving me here so I don't have to undergo the trauma of the annual vet trip. Asshole!!! I don't know -- I guess I do want to get shot so I can go crap on a new carpet. *sigh* Lord, the trials and tribulations I must undergo in order to spread the ass of Maddie like the gospel to rugs everywhere.

We are moving to an undisclosed location somewhere within Washington, D.C. All I know is that there is a balcony and a big dog lives under us. I assure you, I shall hang over the balcony and torment his dumb ass because he can't get me! Mommy said there's a brand-new screen door, but as Kadi has annhilated about six of those here, I have no doubt that thing won't survive an hour once we hit town.

The good news is that Kadi and I will have our own room! The kitchen is very big -- it's an eat-in kitchen (the dining room is tiny but separate). As the kitchen area has a linoleum floor and three floor-to-ceiling windows, Mommy has agreed to put Pooh Corner there so that we can lie by the windows whenever we want.

Our cousin came up with the idea that our litterbox should go at the bottom of the pantry, so we have utmost privacy and Mommy has only a contained place to have to clean up. Silly Mommy -- I will poop ANYWHERE I want -- and being in a cupboard with Kadi's noxious ass fumes sounds like a recipe for I Don't Think So!!!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Decade o'defecation

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn.

Happy birthday to moi
Happy birthday to moi
Happy 10th birthday to mmmooooiiiiiii. ....
Happy birthday to moi!!!

And no singing it like Mommy does. I do NOT smell like a zoo! I prefer "eau de public restroom," thankyouverymuch.

Yeah, bitches. On April 2, 2006, the world shall hail the fact that I'm 10 and still one hot pussy. No liposuction, no tummy tucks, no whisker-highlights, no wrinkle serum. I tried to tell Mommy that I'm hotter than Sharon Stone in her reprised role in "Basic Instinct 2," but Mommy said that if I spread my legs on screen, you wouldn't see a pretty pussy but instead a big long fudge stripe. ASSHOLE RAINING ON MY BIRTHDAY PARADE!

Remember how Pumpkin spit on New York in the "Flavor of Love"? Let's envision me as Pumpkin (Punkin' Puss, of course) and instead of spitting, I'll just be shitting. That's my birthday wish -- to fling poo instead of leaving it on the floor!

I got Mommy good, though. She groomed me yesterday and she awakened to a big ole unibrow -- she mighta trimmed the fur around my ass but there's no removing the fudge stripe if I haven't wiped my ass on the floor, right? So to get revenge for the spring cleaning of the fur, I slapped my tail over her forehead so that she not only awakened to a freshly evacuated ass, but I put my stamp of love on her head and it looked like her eyebrows were joined. Tee hee. It wasn't so much a unibrow as a pooh-nani brow!

Anywho, I expect to be showered with catnip and treats and a feast fit for a queen-sized cat. Lord knows it's too much to expect a fresh litterbox in honor of my special day, but a coupla hits of organic herb can sure do wonders to make me forget the throbbing of my rugburned ass. ...