I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Poor Pussies

Yesterday was a bad news day for literate kitties like myself. I am very grateful that, although I lost my brand-new catnip mouse toy, Mommy wasn't mad enough to cut off my tail and eat it or simply hang me.

Monday, October 28, 2002


Mommy is mad at me because I am a finicky little puss. She went to three stores between yesterday and today, trying to find my favorite foods. She knows better than to buy some no-name brand that I will not stoop so low as to eat. Hey, she won't buy generic tampons, so why should I eat generic food? A kitty's gotta have her standards. Thank goodness, though, she found the food, or my belly would have been a-growlin' tonight!!!

She did buy me a mouse that is the same color as me ... tan, black and white. She also injected it with some catnip ... Yum-O!!!! I love catnip. It rules. However, I was just so delighted in the cosmic kitty orgasms that I acquired from rolling around the house with my new toy that, well, I lost it. Don't tell Mommy, though! She quit buying me toys long ago because I like to eat them, and the only toys I still have are the ones Unca Janna gave me that I haven't yet destroyed. I hope I find my mouse before Mommy gets home ... off to go sniff around for the scent of catnip! Then I will be very tired and very much deserving of a catnAp!!!

Friday, October 25, 2002

Friday Five!!!

1. What is your favorite scary movie?
Ooooh, that's a tough one. I acutally did enjoy "Scary Movie." That pothead reminded me of Aunt Daddy. :) And Mommy, too, come to think of it. ha ha.

2. What is your favorite Halloween treat?
Mmmmm. Caramel corn. Mommy's messy when she eats popcorn, and she calls me her little Dirt Devil, 'cause I graze the floor and keep it very clean for her by eating whatever remnants of caramel corn she drops. Yum!

3. Do you dress up for Halloween? If so, describe your best Halloween costume.
If my Mommy even thinks she's gonna get a costume on me, I'll kick her ass and shit on her keyboard. She calls me her Punkin' Puss, and I hope she doesn't dress me up like a punkin, although I am plump and juicy and would probably look OK in a punkin' costume. But then, how would I take a shit, if I'm wearing a costume?

4. Do you enjoy going to haunted houses or other spooky events?
Mommy has lived in some haunted places, and no, I don't like it. Not one bit. Ghosts are scary! You all wonder why cats go berserk and bounce off the walls and run for the hills for no apparent reason. Trust me, there is a reason ... WE SEE DEAD PEOPLE!!!

5. Will you dress up for Halloween this year?
Yeah, I'm gonna be a Punkin' Puss!!! hee hee

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

I want my own apartment

Honestly, if Mommy doesn't stop locking me in our room while she sleeps, I am going to smother her with my smelly poop. Just you watch! Now she likes to close the bedroom door when she finally decides to go to sleep, leaving me with no access to my food, litterbox or the bathroom faucet from which I quench my thirst.

This morning, she didn't even roll out of bed till 7:45 a.m. ... and I had been howling for a good two hours, begging to go to the bathroom sink for my morning fix of H2O. I was howling louder than Howard Stern on the radio was talking, but to no avail. Mommy doesn't even stir when I bitch. She did throw something at me and told me to go to hell, but I am certain that she did that in her sleep and did not mean to wound her precious kitty. Not my mommy. :) Fucking bitch.

But she did lock me out once or twice, and I sat at her door and howled until I got inside her room, so I guess I can understand why she prefers me to howl from within her room instead of outside of it. And if I'm inside, I at least wait until 5:30 to start whining; but if I'm in the hallway, I don't care what time it is, I rage like a motherfucker. Perhaps Mommy would understand if I locked HER out of our room!!!

Sunday, October 20, 2002

On the road again. ...

Just when I thought it was safe to assume that I wouldn't be dragged around the Eastern seaboard for a long time to come, I learned that Mommy and Aunt Daddy are planning a road trip to Pittsburgh for Turkey Day. Christ. Although I LOVE Grandma's turkey (she always buys it from Honeybaked Ham, because I am a prissy cat and refuse to eat less than the best!), I dread being in a car for several hours. Damn it. I'm calling shotgun!!! Mommy can stuff her fat ass in the backseat, 'cause I get carsick in the back. Heh. At least she gave me a month to prepare for the horror. But I'll get to go hide throughout Grandma's house, and I like that.

Saturday, October 19, 2002

Somethin' smells fishy ...

Oh, wait. That's just me!!! ;)

I can tell when Mommy is stressed, 'cause the bathroom gets cleaned. She even washed the rugs that I have been very careful not to poop upon. I even got new litter, too! Perhaps that is because I shat in her bedroom doorway last night. Hee hee.

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

Fucking Sniper

Mommy is working from home today. Damn it. I love having the house to myself during the day, but she's got some work to do that doesn't have to be done in the office. I'll bet she's afraid of getting hit by that beltway sniper. Motherfucker. They better catch him so she isn't afraid to leave the house! After she feeds me, of course. :)

Monday, October 14, 2002

I have e-mail!!!

Mommy finally got off of her duff and got my e-mail account up and running. Be sure to tell me how fucking cool I am at cat AT caterwauling dot com. And feel free to leave a tip in the Maddie is Hungry Fund jar, ok? The litter's gettin' kinda funky and Mommy's broke, as usual. That bitch.

Friday, October 11, 2002

I'm Scared

I was surfing the 'Net when I read this article about the local sniper. I hope Mommy doesn't get killed. 'Cause she needs to be able to feed me and change my litter.

She said there are lots of police patrolling our highways now, so she can't speed as much as she likes to anymore. I just hope she drives fast enough to dodge bullets, if they're flying in our area. Mommy says traffic is a bitch, but the question is ... is it a bigger bitch than she is? ROFL

Too much drama in the world right now. I'm taking a nap so I don't have to hear any more bad things today.

Monday, October 07, 2002


Mommy spends so much time at Aunt Daddy's house, playing with his three kids, that she seems to forget about me. In fact, why doesn't he visit me? He's too busy with his new kids now -- Kirby, Topsi and Jynx. Mommy comes home with their fur and drool all over her. And while I don't socialize all that much, it kinda bums me out that she's always playing with her niece and nephews while I sit here, longing to open up my containers of treats but somehow cannot master those cat-proof lids. But would I want to play with a bassett hound, a miniature pinscher and a Yorkie? Hell no!!! I hope they stay home and far away from me!

Wait. Mommy just said that she and Aunt Daddy gave Jynx a bath. She must really love me!!! She hasn't given me a bath in months!!! Woo hoo! I love it that she's torturing another animal, and a puppy, at that. 'Cause cats rule. We don't need baths because we are more than capable of grooming ourselves. I think Mommy's just jealous 'cuz she can't stick her head into her crotch, like I can, so she punishes me with baths. Yes, that's definitely the reason she does that.

Aunt Tiff is cooking something in the kitchen. It is the same color of the contents of my litterbox. But is it as crunchy and grainy? At any rate, I hope my box is clean, 'cuz my poop really stinks this week.

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

Viking Kittens

I have new friends! They totally kick ass, better than those punk kittens. Long live Led Zeppelin!!!

Viking Kittens

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

There are no words. ...

... To describe how much I intensely dislike my Mommy right now for our weekend road trip!

We drove up to Pittsburgh on Friday. I decided to give her a break and not screech in her ear too much, but she does call me her "Radar Detector," as I start whimpering when she hits 62mph and full-out screech when she hits 65. She says that's when she knows she's going a safe speed (so as not to get pulled over by some pissed-off policeman). However, Mommy likes to exceed 65 a lot, but I don't make a peep till she hits 75 -- that's when I really let loose and howl like a cat outta hell. So, even though we had a state trooper riding our ass halfway through Maryland, we didn't get a ticket -- THANKS TO ME!!!

Mommy talks to the other drivers on the road. Well, not really talks, but calls them names. She calls them such nice things as "mother-fuck-me-nots" and "fuckheads" and "asswipes" and "stupid sons of bitches." My, that dumb bitch has a potty mouth on her!!! (oops, did I say that? hee hee)

We stayed at Grandma's house, which was just a living joy that I simply cannot convey with words. I snuck into my great-grandfather's room a lot, which pissed Mommy and Grandma off big-time. I was covered in dust bunnies from hangin' out under his bed. He always kept his door closed, but he never noticed me sneaking around his ankles as I darted into his room. Ha ha.

One time, Mommy thought I was in there, so she ripped apart the whole room twice, looking for me. She got all dusty and she was sick and coughing like a maniac, but as it turns out, Grandma found me in my hiding place behind the TV-on-top-of-a-TV in the living room ('cause we're just classy like that). At any rate, I was wedged in this little-itty-bitty corner so tightly that my ass was on my shoulders. I tried to act cool and comfy and what not, but boy, was I glad they found me! Grandma has superhuman strength -- she moved BOTH TVs so that Mommy could reach in and scoop me up. That was the only night I didn't get any treats. I wasn't sure why.

But it wasn't all so traumatic. I sat by Grandma's back door and watched her two little groundhog friends approach the door. I was afraid they were going to eat me, but they didn't come inside. Grandma talks to them every day and feeds them cookies and banana flips and all kinds of neat stuff. They even got Krispy Kreme doughnuts this weekend, and they loved it! I got shrimp so I can't complain about not getting good stuff to eat.

Mommy was ready to shoot me on the ride home, though. I howled all the way from McKeesport, Pa., to Breezewood, Pa., a drive that takes Mommy about 90 to 100 minutes ('cause the Pennsylvania Turnpike was down to one lane in many places). Mommy (hoe) was flirting with truck drivers, and they kept honking at us, which scared me 'cuz those trucks are BIG!!! Grandma had bought her a slutty shirt, which she was wearing and the truck drivers apparently liked it. Hoe-biscuit!

At any rate, Mommy said she's never taking me buh-byes in the car again. Ever. Good. My mission was accomplished. Nyah. Although I hope Grandma comes down here to see me, 'cuz she feeds me. A lot. And I like that!!!