I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Friday, May 28, 2004

World domination awaits

He's cute. He's furry. He's evil.

He's Guinness.

He's my new cousin. And he looks just like Kadi did as a baby. Those black cats with white paws sure are Satan incarnate!

Unparalleled cuteness

I haven't posted in awhile because, well, I haven't fucking felt like it. But I am certain you will find these gorgeous images of moi worth the wait!

This one needs no title, 'cause I'm just cute like that:

I am admiring Mommy's new bracelet that Aunt Angie gave her for her birthday:

My cuteness is disturbed by my sister but never truly forgotten:

Mommy took a break from photographing my image for some lesser cuteness:

Look at that Gene Simmons tongue!:

So she cleaned her ass and tried to kiss me with that tongue -- ewww!:

So I smacked her ass-smelling face away from me:

A metaphor for the prison in which I live every day:

Thursday, May 20, 2004

I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!

Well, maybe I am a little bit chubby, though.

Mommy tried to pick me up last night, as I wanted her to. But she's got carpal tunnel in her one wrist now, and I was too heavy for her, as her wrist snapped. So the bitch dropped me on my head! Asshole!

I would, however, be much madder if I didn't manage to give her a really good kick in the face with my back paw -- slit her open from her chin to her upper lip. I even managed to make her gums bleed! Mommy looked funny bloody. And she still gave me some catnip afterward. What a good Mommy!

Friday, May 07, 2004

Wax on

Mommy is threatening to wax my ass, 'cause my fur's so long back there that shit particles are continually getting trapped in it. She's always telling me how much I stink. Asshole!

Today, she got a wax job done on herself -- she had a stray hair on her lip, so she went to the salon and had it ripped off. Owwwie! She's got big red splotches where the hot wax was on her face. And she wants to have that done to my sensitive, precious little ass? Oh HELL no!

Wednesday, May 05, 2004


While Mommy was away at work today, strange and smelly men who work at our apartment complex came and gave us a new screen door to replace the one Kadi massacred. The fuckers locked the glass door that leads to the screen, so I was trapped in the apartment with nothing but the scent of kitten shit and plug-in air fresheners until our human could come home and open the door to fresh-air paradise.

Of course, within seconds of the glass door being open, Kadi jumped on the screen and started ripping at it so she could go outside again. Does she EVER learn her lesson? Sheesh! Mommy shut the door within 10 minutes of having it open -- right now it is cracked open so she can smoke and not have to smell her stinky self. Unfortunately, Kadi is known for squeezing between the glass and the screen, although her ass is getting bigger and she may not be able to get in there as easily as she did when she was a wee kitten. Or, her dumb ass will probably try it again and blow out the screen with her big ole butt this time!


Mommy has this great article Aunt Shan gave her, "The ABCs of a good work ethic." At their workplace, having a good work ethic means you only take a five-hour nap, work one hour and socialize for two hours. So I took a big, steamy, smelly poop last night, and I trotted over to the living room and dragged my ass across the printed-out article lying on the floor. Aunt Shan said that was just perfect -- other people at work excel only at wiping their asses (there are two girls who go potty more than 14 times a day there!), so my work ethic is as good as theirs!

Sunday, May 02, 2004

Kitty door

Mommy's been in a crabby-ass mood lately (I think she's in heat), and I was surprised fur didn't fly today.

She walked up the front steps to our apartment building, and who was sitting on the balcony, sunning herself like nothing was wrong with it, but Kadi! Yep, the little shit tore open the screen door and decided to hang out outside while Mommy was gone. She did come right in when Mommy got through the front door, and as Mommy went to survey the damage, demon child tried to run back outside. Asshole! She's in her cage now. It's hotter than Hades in here today, and the building management won't turn on our a/c until the 15th. The only other window in the place is in our bedroom, but it's stuck and won't open. So thanks to Kadi, we will have to sit here and swelter until we get a new screen, 'cause Mommy can't leave the door open otherwise. Bitch!