I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Thursday, June 23, 2005


Auntie Tiff is now owned by two -- count 'em, two -- tomcats.

Sheesh. When she lived with me, she and I had quite the intriguing relationship. She called me "Pudge Bucket" and I called her "Asshole."

Actually, I still call her that sometimes, but then Mommy kicks my ass.

But I don't mind it when Mommy kicks my ass -- her toes usually get embedded in the wet, sticky, ever-present fudge stripe that follows me everywhere. HAH!

Anywho, Auntie Tiff is now proud mama to Jack, who is baby brother to Guinness. (There's a patttern here -- don't be surprised if they become big brothers to a puss named Coke or Merlot or somethin' cool like that -- these are a few of her fav-o-rite things!)

If you check out the photo stream, Guinness is the one who looks exactly like my lil sister Kadi but smarter.

Kadi's all excited -- two cute, black lil boy-cats living mere miles up the street -- she's ready to pounce! Not me, though -- they're babies. Me? I need a tomcat with a long, thick tail to turn my whiskers.

Good cat-food gravy, I am starting to sound like my mommy. Sheesh! Off to take a cold drink of water -- can't have all three of us in heat at the same time in this house!

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Terrible two

So Mommy says there's this restaurant that she drives by once in awhile -- called Hu Nan (although she'd rather order from Ho King -- way more appropriate for her, the hoe biscuit).

Anyway, apparently I have a fudge stripe running the length of my ass and lower tail today, and Mommy told me that she's gonna open up a restaurant for me called Pooh Nan -- 'cause she says I smell like poohnani.

Oh, the indignity.

As if she didn't ruin my day already, she chastised me for forgetting to wish my little sister Kadi a happy birthday on June 6 like I did last year.

So, fine. Happy Terrible Twos, Kadi. Although I'm not real sure how you could be any badder than you've been previously.

Anyway, you know Kadi's a few crayons short of a box, so you'll understand that when you see her trying to pick a fight with our broken vacuum cleaner. Appropriate, don't you think?

Happy birthday, assholes. (Mommy just had a birthday, too -- old bitch! 31 human years and no tomcat to speak of. I need a daddy, woman! Because I am sure he would buy me treats, and I have no trouble doubling the treat supply! Although that might mean I would lose my place on the bed, and we simply can't have that -- 'tis bad enough to simply have Kadi there, too!)

Sunday, June 12, 2005


My Calico ass rocks. In fact, it rocked last night when I ripped a big cat fart and left some ass juice on Mommy's cobalt-blue sheets. She was just stripping the bed to wash said sheets, and there's a big, dried-up Hershey's kiss full of Maddie lovin'. *mwah!*

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Different shit, different day

Today is the day I've been dreading -- the day Mommy decided to A) Buy a new vacuum cleaner and B) Turn on the air-conditioning. Fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!!

Our vacuum broke about three weeks ago. During which time I puked and shit religiously, wherein she had to pick everything up in paper towels and throw it away, per the usual, but she couldn't do squat about the litter that Kadi kicked out of the box. Because, by rights, I have ALWAYS shit on litter -- it might have been on the FLOOR, but it was on litter nonetheless. Sure, she used a little dustbuster-type of contraption, but like that could keep up with the likes of me. Hah!

So today, she got one of those bagless wonders. I was scared and ran onto the balcony (ah, freedom!) to get away from that monster. But when she was done vacuuming the house, she took the sweeper outside to shake out the food, hair and litter that it had picked up. Our downstairs neighbor commented to her that she must have LOVED her new vacuum, because she ran it for an hour! He teased her that she must have sucked up one of the cats. THAT NOT FUNNY!

She told him that our furry asses shed so goddamned much that the whole container was FULL of our hair. And it was! Mommy said it really WAS like pulling another whole fucking cat out of the bagless bag.

Then the bitch decided to close off the balcony and turn on the a/c. And while I am very happy that the stinky scent of my ass will now be circulated throughout the apartment and not be blown out the window like it has been, I am upset to have lost my in-and-out privileges. So when Mommy needed to grab something off the balcony, I shot out like a cat outta hell and wouldn't come back in.

Until, of course, the treat can was shaken.