I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Saturday, March 18, 2006

New Pooh (Corner, that is)

Mommy had to tear down Pooh Corner because she took four trips in a row and no matter how much she ignored cleaned it, it be stankin' pretty fierce. So, everything went over the balcony and bye-bye on the big garbage truck.

Right now, we have a yucky little litterbox, which I have been happily avoiding. (I shat on the carpets right before she came home from work Thursday AND Friday, and boy was she mad!)

She's planning to get us each our own box when we move. Which might happen and might not, as the new complex we want to move into is dicking her around. And she's been loath to buy anything for the new place, as she doesn't want to jinx anything. However, she had to take exception when she saw this today:

It's mine! All mine! And she even bought a matching black-and-aqua rug that will go under it and the poop box when she buys it!

I'm so happy I could just shit. Oh, wait, I just did. I mean, I'm so happy I could just shit AGAIN! Where can I go leave it? ;)

And no, I'm not allowed to use it till we're in our new place. We're already tripping over boxes as it were -- Mommy would probably throw it away in a raging fit, and I'm sorry, but I ain't hoisting my fat ass over the balcony railing to go after it!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

My work here is done

It's taken me almost three years, but I am proud to say that I am OFFICIALLY done training Kadi to carry on my legacy.

I told you she isn't all that smart!

But alas, she's finally gotten it right. She now no longer covers up her poop in Pooh Corner. I couldn't be more proud!

Now the hard part is training Mommy to not bitch at ME every time she sees a steaming pile of poo atop the box o'litter. But she did catch Kadi for the first time tonight leaving a poo uncovered because Kadi's a dumbass and went straight to MOMMY for approval after her random act of defecation and not to ME. Silly Kadi -- only I would be proud of naked, piping hot poo!

But it's all good. Not only did Mommy smell Kadi's stank ass, but Kadi also did her usual ritual of shitting her brains out and then going straight back to the food dish. So, when Kadi breathed wet Whiskas on Mommy, Mommy knew that the foul odors were coming out of BOTH ends of my sister. Joy!

World domination has been slow in coming, but it's inevitable. Resistance against stinky air is inevitable. Humans, you are surrounded -- surrender now while you still can! Hand over the treats (the good ones, not the crappy ones you keep in the house even though we refuse to eat them) and no one gets hurt. ...

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Defecation superhighway

Mommy says that the Internet used to be called the "information superhighway." But now, we have a new term in our house -- the "defecation superhighway."

Why? Because I slapped down the shit streak to end all shit streaks today. I mean, it was a whole YARD long. AND it was 2 inches wide! Wow!

Aaaannnnddd, I did it while Mommy was taking a shower, so the stank coupled with the hot shower steam is just delectable. We've got all the windows open now thanks to my foul butt and Kadi and I even get to play outside on the balcony. Looks like my Hershey highway led us straight outdoors (to where it's 75 degrees and sunny. Whee!).

Mommy's going to look at some new apartments today. We have an option to move to a different apartment in our current complex, but she's afraid that the management will see how much I've destroyed the carpets and not let us stay.

She threw out a bunch of shit yesterday (literally, and that involved tossing much of it over the balcony). That involved two litterboxes and the pretty blue/green/yellow/black rug that sat beneath Pooh Corner. And holy shit, the carpet under Pooh Corner is so CLEAN in comparison to the rest of the place. Looks like I've really left my mark on the world. And isn't that all a cat really wants to do in life? Well, other than sleep and eat. And poop.

The world is my litterbox, the floor is my toilet paper and all roads on the defecation superhighway lead straight back to me.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

'You stink, Justin Matisse!'

Mommy says that line from "Hope Floats" to us a lot. I mean, A LOT. Because we love our asses. I mean, psychotically LOVE taking dumps and leaving cat farts all over the house.

I am informed that there is no scent so pungent as a cat fart. Mommy hates to even use that particular "F" word (although she will fuckity fuck FUCK everything and anything else!) but when it comes to Kadi and me, we are "Little Fart Factories."

Yeah, and roses really smell like pooh-pooh-pooh! Oh, how my garden grows!

Kadi loves to sit on Mommy's chest (I try to but she says she'd need a tire pump to inflate her lungs afterward -- ASSHOLE!). She also loves to wrap herself around Mommy's neck like a little fur stole or something. Which Mommy wouldn't mind, save for the claws and the ASS in her face.

Mommy gets mad because Kadi has no decorum -- Kadi thinks that when she's granted approval to curl up around Mommy's neck, she gets to stick her ass in her face and fart on it at will. Which promptly gets her tossed back on the floor and Mommy hitting the liquor cabinet, culminating of course in a "You stink, Justin Matisse!" moment. And for those of you who were fortunate to have not seen this movie 600 times like Kadi and I have as our thumbs are not opposable enough to change the channel on the TV when Mommy's watching it, the name is in reference to a fictional skunk.

Silly Mommy -- we're not skunks. Skunks have a WHITE stripe down their backs. Instead, we have FUDGE stripes on our ASSES!!!