I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Is that a new cat food?

Mommy is packing and getting ready to go away for the week to somewhere in the Midwest for work. She's stressin' big time and is pretty incoherent.

Like for dinner tonight (the bitch didn't even get home till after 8 p.m.!), she wanted to ask Kadi and me whether we wanted Whiskas or Friskies for dinner, and she said, "Who wants Whiskeys?" I think we've determined what SHE's having for supper!!!

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Bad breakfast manners

Last night, while Mommy was sleeping, Kadi overturned my food dish, which was full of wondrous wet food and some chicken that Mommy had cooked last night. Read: I couldn't overturn the bowl (no thumbs!) to get to all that yummy goodness.

So this morning, Mommy overturned the bowl and gave me fresh food (she likes to feed me first because I am the good cat and I deserve it!), and then she went to fill Kadi's bowl. Only thing was, Kadi went scampering across my bowl and stuck her nasty foot in it! Ugh! And then she wasn't satisfied with her food, so she came over to my dish to see if she could steal a bite. I'm gonna hock a hairball in my dish once I've eaten enough for the morning, so that when that little shit goes to sample my food again, she'll get a nice, wet, hairy surprise!

Saturday, March 13, 2004


Last Saturday, I got a real treat. Aunt Tiff came over to see me! I was very pleased to have her around the apartment again, but I was highly disappointed that she was not wearing black. One of my favorite pastimes has been to wake up from a long hour's nap and see her sittin' on the couch in her black velvety pants that I adored so much. I loved to rub up against her and jump on her lap and share the fur love. But nooo, she was wearing jeans! Doesn't she realize that my hair just isn't so luminous on denim? I hereby declare that I will not allow her in the house again unless she is wearing some article of clothing that is black, because that way, she can remember her fun visits with me for a long time to come!

Saturday, March 06, 2004

Shit sponge

Humans have a love sponge, but kitties have a shit sponge -- this is the item with which Mommy lovingly removes all the skid marks that Kadi and I leave on the carpet for her.

Yesterday, Pooh Corner was smelling particularly bad (Mommy keeps it clean enough, but the overpowering odor of kitten shit gets to be too much sometimes!), so we left Mommy lots of skid marks because we didn't want to wipe our butts on the stankin' litter. Mommy came home and said that our carpet looked like a driver's ed course, we had so many twists and turns for her to try to sidestep!

Monday, March 01, 2004


The Viking Kittens have a new song that appeals to my fag hag of a Mommy -- "Gay Bar"! Aunt Daddy takes her to those all the time!

More kitty claw stories

I hope Mommy doesn't mind, but I was reading her e-mail while she was on her litterbox tonight, and I saw this in an e-mail from Uncle Chris, in response to the kitty stories posted below:

"(My aunt's) daughter has a cat, named Ambrose, and (I was) watching him for a few weeks. Well, he's very inquisitive, and one night whilst (I was) involved in some self-love, he decides to swat at my hand moving. Well, he's not declawed either -- no he got my hand, and the tip of (insert any pet name for a boy's favorite plaything on himself!). I was less than happy with him, and almost sold him to a Chinese restaurant."

Ba ha ha ha ha. He and Mommy both got clawed while exploring their nether regions. Too bad they can't just lick themselves like I do -- my tongue protects my little area pretty well!!!