I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Sunday, February 29, 2004

Cat tales

I wish all cats were as joyous to have around as me. Mommy had a bad nightmare last night in which she had to get out of a house with a gas leak, but she couldn't find Kadi and me and she had to leave without us. She was dreaming that she lost us forever, and I could hear her sobbing, so I crawled up on her and snoozed on her side until she woke up. She petted me right away and thanked me for coming over to her right then. I felt like a good cat.

But I have two bad cat stories (none of which involve me). The other night, Mommy was lying on the couch (probably playing with herself -- she has more kitty toys than I do!), and Kadi went to use the couch as a scratching post, like she always does. Well, Kadi missed the couch and got Mommy's arm instead, and she gave her a big bloody four-inch gash right above her elbow. Of course, Mommy didn't stop what she was doing, but when she was done, she had more than one mess to clean up, so to speak!

Aunt Angie's cat Jupiter mauled the hell out of her the other day. Aunt Angie was sittin' on the toilet, readin' a magazine (wink wink, nudge nudge) when Jupiter was on the bathroom sink at their house. Jupiter decided to try to step onto the back of the toilet (Mommy won't let us do that), but he's a big fatty boombalatty and lost his balance. So he dug his claws into Aunt Angie's back and slid down to the floor. Angie had two big, bloody scratches running the whole length of her back. Mommy woulda killed me for less than that! These humans need to get those kitties declawed!!!

Saturday, February 28, 2004

Swoosh of Shit

Mommy decided to spend almost a week at Grandma's house, and she just got her ass home yesterday. She was very impressed with Kadi and me that we did not eat all the food she left ('cause Kadi always used to park her ass at the auto feeder till it was drained; now she actually left me food so I wouldn't be hungry before Mommy got back!), and she was even happier that we crapped in our box instead of on the floor (like Kadi did the day Mommy left). Ugh! We got a fresh box on Sunday, and first thing Tuesday morning, Kadi left a whopping, steaming crap in the living room. Bad cat!

Personally, even though I shat in Pooh Corner like a good girl, I still just cannot help but wipe my ass on the walls. It's kind of like the legendary Mark of Zorro -- instead, mine is the Swoosh of Shit!

Monday, February 23, 2004

Maison de Merde

Mommy had christened our new king-size litterbox as Pooh Corner, but the dumb bitch was gone all last week and shit started piling up, so we started wiping our butts on the hallway carpet. She had suggested to Aunt Daddy yesterday that maybe she should rename the area Pooh Hallway. Aunt Daddy said Maison de Merde would be more fitting. Asshole!

Monday, February 16, 2004


Kadi and I got into a big fight last night (nothing new around here), but this time she drew blood from my chin, and I have a big scab forming under there. Fucking shithead!

She's like a shark now -- she can smell my blood no matter where I am. So last night, Mommy and I went to bed, and Kadi jumped right up on me and tried scratching at my owie on my chin. So Mommy, for the first time in several months, scooped Kadi up and made her sleep in her cage. Let me tell you, I got the BEST night of sleep in a long time last night! I wish she'd lock the little fucker up more often!

Friday, February 06, 2004


Last night, Mommy was holding me and singing with me. Unfortunately, Kadi saw my tail a-dangling, and because she thinks it's a scratching post, she started jumping up and pulling on it. Ow. Asshole!

So I started to get ready to jump down to run away, but Mommy got a better idea: Operation Puss Drop. She dropped me straight onto Kadi. I went *bonk* on her empty little head, and she was dazed and confused. I hissed at both of them and strolled away. Fuckers!!!

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Shitty kisses

I like having a clean house and breathing clean air. I also like being the only one to leave skid marks on the carpet. But then, last night, Kadi took a walloping dump in Pooh Corner, and not only did she not bury her shit, she didn't wipe her ass on the litter, either.

I went to the bathtub faucet, and Kadi followed to see what I was doing (copycat!). Her stinky, shitty ass left little round shit prints on the porcelain. They looked like shitty little kisses everywhere. I hate her.