I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Sunday, October 31, 2004

Punkin' puss

I wanna go out trick-or-treating tonight, but Mommy doesn't feel like draggin' her fat ass around the complex. I am highly upset -- I had full intentions on going up to people's doors and saying, "Trick or treat. Smell my ass. Now I'm gonna wipe it on your floor. Give me some treats, asshole."

People are knockin' our doors, looking for treats. But Mommy's got all the lights off and the drapes closed 'cause we don't have any candy to give out or even eat, for that matter. I am ready to waddle next-door 'cause I heard them open their door for the greedy little Children of the Corn who reside in our complex. Maybe they might have a treat for me! I am certain I can leave a little Tootsie Roll-style present outta my butt for them in exchange for whatever they can feed me. ;)

Friday, October 29, 2004

Turkey, turkey, turkey!

Imagine me and Kadi in a conga line, singing, "turkey, turkey, tur-kee!" -- 'cause that's what we're doing right now!

The fucking fridge broke, and Mommy has been cooking and/or pitching shit like a madwoman. She's pissed off 'cause she told maintenance on Wednesday that the fridge blew up, and the guy laughed and her and said she's nuts. So when all the food was thawed out by the time she dragged her ragged ass home yesterday, she raised hell and today, we get a new fridge. Hooray! Too bad there's no money to replace the food we are losing!

But, in any event, I always make out like a bandit when the fridge goes. Mommy always has a secret stash of something that she knows I will find delectable -- she feeds me the dry shit a lot, so I really appreciate it when I get something gourmet to satiate my tender taste buds. And today, she unearthed a ton of white-meat turkey! Oh, Mommy, you shouldn't have! (Hah! Yes she should have -- for all the torment I receive as the big sister of a dumbass, I deserve that and more!)

Anyway, I'm goin' back to my bowl and parking my face in it till the turkey comes out the other end!!! Neener!

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

The good, the bad, the ugly

Or, shall I say, in the instance of this first photo, the gorgeous, darling!!! Mirror, mirror in the glass, who's the furriest, the prettiest, the one with the happiest ass?

Tonight, we got a clean litterbox, after I took a really amazing shit. I was thinking about certain trolls who keep hitting my site and Mommy's, and I left a little trail outside of Pooh Corner in their honor. But thanks to the extra hits, we made Top Blogs a few times!!!

Despite using the rug, Mommy pinned me down and washed my ass. Here is, however, a close-up of my ass droppings on the rug. Enjoy! ;)

Tuesday, October 26, 2004


Tonight, we're gonna get some treats if it kills us! Here I am telling Kadi to be nice for one evening out of her life so that Mommy will reward us with Aquari-Yums (by Purina -- the moist ones! *sending subliminal messages*).

Monday, October 25, 2004

Power poop

The cable guy came today to take away our five million channels of nothingness. In preparation, Mommy cleaned the living area and lit some yummy scented candles.

Probably five minutes before he arrived, my little sister Kadi -- for the first time -- did me proud. She took a mighty shit in Pooh Corner. We're talking shitting out her body weight. Man, did it stink. When people say, "Holy shit," I think they refer to such powerful dumps.

Mommy was mortified when the cable guy knocked. She had sprayed tons of air freshener, but really, the place smelled like Glade and poop. He probably thought it was HER ass that was so rotten!!! Hah!

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Worth one's weight in crap

Mommy yelled at me something fierce today -- she always asks me to please not take a shit while she's in the shower because the litterbox is right outside of the bathroom. Steam and shit are not exactly a few of her favorite things, especially not that early in the mornin'!

Well, fuck her, I did it. And it felt great -- I crapped out at least half of my body weight. *happy sigh* And, of course, I was ready for a nice big breakfast to replenish the nutrients that I left in Pooh Corner!

Friday, October 22, 2004

Pissy pussy

And I ain't talkin' about me, for a change!

Quote of the day: "When a girl orders a penis, she does not want it when it feels like coming -- she wants it now!!!" -- Mommy.

See, Mommy sells Passion Parties stuff -- toys and lubes and the like. And she and a fellow Party girl are waiting very impatiently (duh) for their shipments to come in.

But, alas, Mommy said nothing in the shipment is even for her, not even the Mini Tongue with the attached Bullet. Not even the Marshmallow Whipped Creme or the Twin Rabbit c-ring. Thing is, she'd love to buy all of those items, but she's 'po and is left to either A.) find a tomcat to do the work or B.) take matters into her own hands.

Oh, PLEASE won't my favorite readers in the Washington, D.C., area schedule a party so Mommy can afford the rent next month and maybe, just maybe, buy some new vibrators? 'Cause she's a real bitch when she isn't getting laid!!!

Thank you!
Love, Maddie

P.S. E-mail us at goddessdawn AT gmail DOT com. Spanks!

Wednesday, October 20, 2004


Oh, I love our bed, even more so than usual. Last night, Mommy broke out brand-new sheets and a microfiber comforter. Aaah! Such a soothing sensation on my furry little belly. I've only gotten off the bed to eat, poop and blog, and I'm headed back there in a moment. Everything's all cobalt blue, her favorite color. The white fur on my tummy clings so happily to the soft microfiber fabric, which is great because it shows Kadi where I am to sleep and where she is NOT to inhabit!

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Table manners

I was happily eating my chow this evening when the air in the apartment became heavy with the scent of cat shit.

Bah. My sister Kadi had absolutely no respect that I was having a fine dining experience -- she went and rocked the litterbox so hard that I'm surprised a vein didn't pop in her head from trying to pop out that stank-ass load! Then again, if Kadi suffered any kind of disconnect in her brain, I doubt anyone would notice a difference -- stupid cat.

Mommy lit about seven candles and whipped out the vanilla and cinnamon Glade sprays. She also opened the balcony doors so we could, like, breathe again. Man, that was some funky kitten ass aroma in our little place tonight! God, I wish the litterbox were near a window!!!

But, alas, Mommy reminded me that I have no room to be indignant over having my dinner disturbed because she watched me eat at Grandma's house, and she said I was evil toward Kadi (although, let's face it, Mommy loves me more and never disciplined me for it!).

What happened was that Grandma had those dishes that are partitioned -- half for food, half for water (at home we have a kitty fountain for water, although Mommy was a dumb ass and left it running while we were gone on vacation and the fucking motor burned out -- asshole!).

Anyway, the gray bowl was for me and the pink bowl was for Kadi. So what I would do is wash my front paws in Kadi's water and then go chow down in my dish. Every time I ate, that was my ritual. Kadi never knew the difference. And she deserved it 'cause she would go eat MY food! Dumb bitch, didn't she see me eating out of the gray bowl morning, noon and night? I know how much she likes to eat from whichever bowl I touch, so I thought I was being a clever pussy (as well as a hygienic one) by touching her bowl so that she would think it was mine and then eat out of it!

Oh well. Dumb kitties never learn. But Mommy needs to quit harassing me that it's nice and all to have clean paws, but that I need to do a better job of scrubbing my butt 'cause she's sick of the skid marks I so lovingly leave for her on the rug. Bitch.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Let the skid marks begin!

It's great being at home with the nice, off-white carpets. Living with Grandma for three weeks was fine, but she had dark carpeting, and it was pointless to wipe my butt on it if no one was going to be able to admire my skid marks. So now that I am home, I finally have the opportunity to wipe my ass on the floor and have Mommy get really mad at me for it. :)

Kadi is being exceptionally good, if you can believe it. It's as if she knows how hard Mommy was lobbying for Grandma to keep her because Mommy doesn't have time for a bad cat. The only thing Kadi is really doing wrong is that she is rubbing her ass all over everything and really stinking up the place with whatever kitty pheromones she is grinding into the furniture. Bah. Between Kadi's and my scents, Mommy is ready to rip out her olfactory nerves and ship us both to the Chinese restaurant!

Monday, October 11, 2004

Deja pooh

"Doo wah doo wah
Pooh pooh kitty
Got a furry cat
And her ass is shitty."

That's the song Mommy kept singing as we drove from Pittsburgh to Washington, D.C., this afternoon. Annoying bitch. She said she had seen a big fudge stripe on my ass as she crammed me into my kitty carrier before our ride from hell back home, more than three weeks after we started out.

I am highly perturbed because Mommy tried valiantly to make Grandma keep my lil sister Kadi, whom Grandma named "Hisseroo" because she hissed a lot at her and everyone else who went near her. Shit, she hisses at ME more than anyone! Grandma was almost convinced that she should keep Kadi at her house 'cause Kadi likes to try to kick my ass several dozen times a day and I am just too dainty and too old for that crap, but then she didn't and told Mommy later that she will keep her between Thanksgiving and New Year's and see how that works out. That would be the best holiday present EVER for me!!!

Lots more stories to tell, but I'm hungry and have to poop. It's hard being stuck in a backseat all fucking day!