I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Saturday, September 17, 2005

And when did Kadi become the good cat?

Mommy's sorta had it with me -- I don't know why, as I thought she would be as proud as I was that I managed to poop beside the box Every Single Morning this week! Poo-tinky!!!

My punishment was weird, though. She wouldn't let me go outside, as I always want to go get a breath of fresh air after I've defiled the air-conditioned abode. But, alas, she lit all kinds of incense and candles and made me stay put to inhale the myriad of fragrances. Bleah.

She's been saying that my lil sister Kadi is now her good cat. Rubbish! Kadi's still a braindead fool who now adds "predator" to her short (bus) resume. Oh yeah, talk about what the cat dragged in! Kadi plays with bugs when we go outside, and now she brings them inside.

Mommy went to feed us dinner a couple of nights ago and was slightly mortified at the very large, very dead spider floating in Kadi's water dish. That's because Kadi wanted to give her new, eight-legged friend a bath and she ended up drowning him. And there Mommy went, thinking her baby girl was smart enough to kill a gnarly little pest. She's so happy in her delusions. :)

I suppose I need to make a half-assed attempt to show that I am still the prodigal cat. So, this morning, I did NOT shit on the floor. And in my house, that's news!

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Talented pussy

I've sometimes overheard tomcats telling Mommy that she has a talented pussy, and I know that they were right ... if they were talkin' 'bout ME!!!

Today the 'ho was in the shower (at like 2 p.m. What the FUCK? Only MY booty is allowed to stank at that hour!) and I decided that shitting on the carpet (mmm, diarrhea) to meld with the hot steam in the apartment was getting a little too fragrant even for my sturdy nose, so I tried to figure out what Mommy does when she's ready to commit olfactory suicide.

So, I did something very brave -- I turned on the vacuum cleaner.

Now, I normally run from it -- as Mommy drives it like she does our car which is like a fucking crack whore on a motorcycle after a binge) -- but Kadi and I just sat in front of it, in awe of its amazing, bagless cyclone action. When Mommy sprinted all naked and sopping into the living room (in front of our OPEN sliding-glass door, she snapped it off and looked at us in amazement. That was, of course, before she chided me that perhaps I might have tried PUSHING the vacuum, particularly over where we have kicked litter through the dining room. Litter that, incidentally, is in precious supply because her ass needs to go out and buy some.

In any event, maybe if she hadn't closed the door and blocked it with the vacuum, I'da just gone straight outside to "get the stink blown off" as she ALWAYS advises me to do!

Thursday, September 01, 2005

I am the reason for pet rents and deposits

Because I am allowed to go out on our balcony all the time now (we're being evicted due to renovations and Mommy now suddenly doesn't give a shit about running the a/c and having the balcony doors open 'cause we ain't paying for electricity here and, besides, the apartment she's coveting doesn't happen to have a balcony -- the nerve! I hope she finds another place that does, but meh), I just assumed I could walk out the front door, too.

Last night, when the 'ho dragged her ass in around 11 p.m. (although at least she was out being social and it wasn't like when she drags her ass in around 8 or 9 on other nights because she's actually like working and shit), I walked right past her and went into the Great Beyond that is the little landing outside our door. She asked me to come in, but please, like I listen to reason -- I saw a clear path to the parking lot and wanted to go hang out with all the obnoxious teenagers who litter the roadways when psychotic assholes like Mommy come tearing into the complex at full speed with loud music.

And let me put it this way: Mommy was listening to country music when she pulled in last night (although she'll deny it to her death). But she did tell me a funny story about some nitwit in the complex cruising by, trying to leer at her and pick her up and shit, and what hot, new hit was he playing on his stereo, you ask? "The Electric Slide."

Yeah, this place is ghetto like that. :)

In any event, lest some tomcat with a tin ear try to cozy up to me, I did come back inside pretty quickly. Mommy needs to move me to a more upscale neighborhood before I go out lookin' for some tail. :)

Anyway, Mommy looked at my litterbox last night and was not pleased. See, she bought this expensive food for us that is for sensitive systems, as I shit my brains out and she doesn't think I can afford to spare any more 'cause I've done a LOT of shitting in my 9 years. And I left the biggest, wettest, steamiest, stankiest, bloodiest pile of shit on top of the litter for her to admire. I was rather proud, but she was worried and changed food on me again if the so-called sensitive shit, well, makes my sensitive ass shit like that.

But that's not the news. The news is that Mommy has decided that I must be a male cat (honey, I'm ALL pussy!) because I like to take a shit and leave it on display for all the world to admire.

Heh, well the bitch really wants our next place to have hardwood floors for the sole reason that I cannot wipe my ass on them. True dat, but nothing will stop me from simply shitting on them and wiping my ass on the new curtains I saw hiding in the closet that she wants to put up when we move. ;)