I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Good stuff!

Oh my god, yum.

Mommy broiled up some salmon this evening. Kadi and I parked ourselves within a few feet of the oven, hoping that we could get a nibble of whatever smelled so heavenly. It's like waiting in line for concert tickets -- just because you wait, doesn't always mean that there will be tickets for you. Bitch.

Well, there was salmon for us! (Although simply not enough!) Mommy ripped off some pieces that weren't covered in crusty spices and put them in our bowls, and it was divine. Kadi went absolutely nuts and kept begging for more. We got a little extra taste of that sumptuous seafood before Mommy wrapped up the leftovers and put them away for tomorrow. And then Kadi went over to my bowl to see if I had left any morsels behind (hah! fat fucking chance!).

At least we have a reason to wake up tomorrow -- we'll get more salmon! *slurp*

Monday, January 26, 2004


I barfed in one of Mommy's Nine West purses. She's pissed.

Sunday, January 25, 2004


I got me a new Liz Claiborne collar yesterday.

Whenever Kadi and I fight, my lovely black collar with rhinestones always comes off. Mommy figures it's 'cause there is a section of the collar that is elastic, which she liked because she knew it would never be too tight on me. But now Kadi digs her claws into my collar and rips it from my head, and Mommy always calls me over to her and puts it back on me without a word.

After Kadi ripped off my collar for the second time yesterday (and Mommy couldn't locate it right away), Mommy produced a cute little clear bag with red handles. Inside was a powder-blue leather collar with teeny-tiny blue, green and purple crystals. And hanging from the front was a silver pendant of a fishy! It was totally cute, and I look absolutely darling in it. Mommy tried to take photos, but my mass of fur kept blocking the pretty collar. In any event, Kadi won't be able to rip this one off of me!

Wednesday, January 21, 2004


Mommy finally got off her fat ass and decided to take some new photos of me and Short Bus (er, Kadi):

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Something's burning

The house smelled all pretty today -- Mommy has been burning a cucumber & cantaloupe candle that Aunt Daddy gave her for Christmas.

I went over to see the candle on the end table, and then I turned around and sat down in front of it, waving my tail quite happily.

But then, the house smelled bad. Like it was on fire or something.

And suddenly, my butt was very warm.

Jesus Christ, my tail wagged over the flame and my fur caught fire!!!

I'm OK, really. Just pissed off 'cause some of my fur singed off. But this proves it -- I've got me one hot ass!!!

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Pooh Corner

Now that Mommy has our new litter station set up, she calls it Pooh Corner, 'cause that's where we go poop. Asshole.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

A present

Mommy has this large hunk of plastic in the living room that she bought at Petsmart today, and next to it is an uber-huge box of litter. Something tells me that she finally bought us a huge covered litterbox.

I am less than excited about this. I mean, it'll be nice to have it set up, so that she can quit telling us, "You stink!" like she does about a thousand times a day. Apparently this contraption has a charcoal filter at the top so that the air in the rest of the apartment will no longer smell like Kadi's funky ass.

However, that just means that her funk will be kept INSIDE the box from now on! Pooh! It's not fair that my lungs have to be eroded by concentrated kitten droppings when I decide to go take a poop of my own. Shit!!!

Saturday, January 10, 2004


Go see this. Now. I need one of those to swallow up my lil sister!


I slept really well last night. But on Thursday night, there was no rest for the wicked around here, 'cause Mommy had a bright (NOT!) idea to not put Kadi in her cage while we slept.


Now that Kadi is almost seven months old, Mommy was feeling bad about locking her up every night. And Kadi has been rather good in the evenings lately (not tearing up too much shit), so Mommy decided to treat her like a grown kitty and let her have the run of the house while we slept.

Let's just say that Kadi abused her privileges. She kept jumping in and out of the bedroom window. Which would be fine, but she kept getting her fat ass stuck in the blinds. So Mommy got up and raised the blinds so that Dumbshit wouldn't get caught in them, and thus, the noise was eliminated.

But then Kadi started climbing all the shelves where Mommy keeps her Garfield collectibles, and one by one, dolls and figurines started hitting the floor. Then she jumped up on the dresser, where Mommy keeps a lamp, a stereo and two jewelry boxes. BAM! went one of the jewelry boxes. It is wood, and the frame is all knocked out of place.

Then Kadi kept scratching at the comforter while we tried to ignore her. But it got so annoying that Mommy plucked her up and found that she was playing with a coffee stirrer, and that was why she was scratching the fabric up so badly -- she kept trying to grasp that little piece of plastic. So Mommy snatched the coffee stirrer and hid it between her boobs. Heh. It was funny when she got up and saw the coffee stirrer and wondered how the HELL it got there!

Of course, with her favorite toy gone, she went to our toybox and pulled out a couple of jingly mice, so we had to hear bells all the time. I finally got pissed and jumped off the bed and attacked her. I wanted to kill her, or, at least, suffocate her into a mild coma. So we fought for two hours before I finally retired to the bed with Mommy, who was on her side, staring at the clock (it was 4:15 a.m.).

Kadi doesn't like it when I have all of Mommy's attention, so she waited for Mommy to roll over on her stomach, and Kadi used her ass as a trampoline. But when Mommy refused to stir, Kadi bared her claws and jumped on her back. In one swift move, Mommy picked her up and tossed her off the bed, and Kadi was hanging off the side of the bed where her claws got stuck in the pillowcase. *sigh*

Finally, we just decided to get up for the day, and Kadi raced to the food dish and bitched till she got fed. I wouldn't have rewarded her for such terrible behavior, but Mommy was grateful to have Kadi distracted so that she could get ready for work.

In any event, even though Kadi was being cute and cuddly last night, Mommy snatched her up around midnight and plopped her fat ass in her cage, which she's about to outgrow if she gets any fatter. But we did manage to enjoy a lovely nine hours of sleep, undisturbed by the little hellion.

Oh, the humanity.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Dumb & Dumber

Or, rather, fatter & fatter.

No, that isn't in reference to Kadi and me ... just to Kadi, 'cos she seems like she's getting dumber and fatter as the days pass!

Mommy saw fit to leave us in the house alone for six days over Christmas and another two days after New Year's -- she had to go to Pittsburgh twice. The bitch left us in the care of Aunt Daddy, who happily fed us and scooped up our shit every day. But he really didn't need to feed us -- Mommy left us the auto feeder, which is supposed to feed two cats for five solid days. But after the second day, all the fucking food was GONE 'cause Kadi parked her fat ass at the feeder and ate till it was empty.

Kadi has a habit of stuffing herself full of food, sauntering over to the litterbox to foul it up, then going to our water fountain and drinking herself silly, then eating more and going and pooping it out. Jesus CHRIST she is as BIG as the fucking KITCHEN!!! Mommy swears Kadi put on five pounds over Christmas break alone. She's almost as big as me, and she's only a six-month-old kitten!

In good news, I have taken off a few pounds. That's because Kadi, now that we are back to using separate food dishes, can't stop herself from thinking that EVERY dish in the house is HERS. I like to nibble on a few kibbles, then leave and take a nap and return to my dish throughout the day while Mommy's at work, but I can't do that anymore. If I don't snarf up my food in one breath, Kadi claims it. Fucking fatass. So I go hungry a lot, although I know Mommy has been sneaking me extra treats to make up for it.

Initially, I was mad that Mommy didn't take us to Pittsburgh to see Grandma, but I really hate the trip and I didn't want to be stuffed in the car with Aunt Paul and Aunt Bryan and a week's worth of clothes for all three of them. Where would they have PUT me? Luckily, Grandma diced up some turkey from Honeybaked Ham and sent it just for ME!!! Of course, I did share some with Kadi, because that's just the kind of big sister I am. But I wished I had kept it, because I sure would love some turkey right now!

Aunt Leslie came here all the way from Ireland (via Pittsburgh) to spend the New Year with us. Kadi really liked Leslie, and she followed her everywhere and farted on her at every possible opportunity. Kadi started playing fetch with coffee stirrers, always giving them back to Leslie so that they could keep playing. I personally just laid low and enjoyed the time that Kadi wasn't bugging me and farting on me. Ick.

The little shit just dropped a load in the box. Ugh. I am going to go hang out by one of Mommy's dozen plug-in air fresheners so I can smell something nice for a lil while. Yuck.