I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Like diapering a cat

Mommy had a crazy dream in which she was carrying Kadi around in a blanket and had to change her diaper. HAHAHAHA!!! She couldn't figure out where the dream came from, but I know. My Grandma always says that she's gonna put diapers on us so that she doesn't have to deal with our litterbox when we go to visit her. She always complains about "piss crystals" on the walls. When Kadi gets into the box, she treats it like a sandbox and literally scoops up litter and throws it up into the air. Sometimes it sticks to the walls but more often just gets ground into the carpet when I waddle my ass over it.

Speaking of piss, oh did Mommy get mad at me. I cannot fit into our mid-sized litterbox if the lid is on it. But instead of backing into the box and nestling my behind onto the litter, I go in face-first and whatever gets into the box gets into it. Unfortunately, I ended up peeing all over the rubber mat she has at the entrance of the box, and even that overflowed and she had to scrub the carpet. Meh. She needed the exercise.

I was very annoyed, though, because when I pooped outside the box yesterday, she caught me as I finished up. So she picked me up and dropped me onto the pile-o-poo. I was highly annoyed because that meant she knows I'm the carpet shitter! I assumed she thought it was Kadi all this time. Rats!

I better go hide before she starts considering that diapering idea. *poof*

Sunday, December 19, 2004


Mommy doesn't eat much anymore, but the other day, she picked up a slice of pizza from Valentino's because she wanted something crunchy.

I usually am not impressed with human food unless it is turkey from Honeybaked Ham because I am just prissy like that. But lately, Mommy has been feeding us a wee bit less, and I've been very hungry. She had brought in the plants from the balcony (the first frost killed most of them), but after Kadi and I got to snacking on the palm tree, it got shoved back outside and we were still lookin' for chow.

So anyway, Mommy was sittin' on the couch, eating her piece of pizza and staring blankly into space (not a far stretch of the imagination). I jumped up on the arm of the couch and investigated the cheesy square. She didn't really notice me -- she knows I normally don't give a hoot about what she has. But I was intrigued and reached out and took a bite of the crust.

Ouch! It was tough! So I bit it a few more times. She finally noticed and was rather entertained that I was so intent on eating pizza like a little girl would. She ended up breaking off the piece that simply couldn't get, but I didn't care much for it when I wasn't eating her dinner for her. And it mustn't have been that good for her, either, because she threw most of it away. But I am now known as her little carb fiend!

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Cattle Calico call

Every morning, I hang out by my dish and wait for Mommy to feed me. Kadi gets all schizo and runs around meowing and tripping her. I have learned throughout our past 8 1/2 years together that this type of behavior does not mean food will come. In any event, when Mommy drags her fat ass to the kitchen, that's when we get fed. Period.

I, however, require my kitty mimosa, as I like to call it, just after I've sampled my breakfast (which is usually some dry garbage that tastes like dehydrated crap pellets). Ahem. Anyway, this is my time to make my one request of Mommy -- to turn on the bathroom sink for me! Damn lack of opposable thumbs.

The routine is the same. We get fed. She makes coffee and checks e-mail while she waits for the coffee to brew. I go to the powder room and sit on the toilet lid and howl my little head off. Mommy comes and I jump up on the countertop. She likes to give me a hug or pet me before she turns on the faucet. I like that -- normally the bitch ignores me or I just hide under the bed all day anyway. But it is our moment. *sniff* She goes and gets her coffee and I get as much of my tap water toddy as I can possibly ingest on that particular bender. Then I go and spread joy and fur all over the house and, if it's a particularly good day, some shit stains on the carpet, too.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004


Mommy bought a book of stamps today. You know how there are stickers inside a book that you peel so you can fold said book? Well, Mommy took those stickers out and stuck 'em to Kadi's empty noggin. Yup, the little shit had stickers on her head. She barely noticed. It took her a few minutes to realize that her fur was all stuck together, but it probably took her a good 20 minutes to actually knock the stickers loose. It was funny to see her with these big white strips centered vertically between her ears -- with her black fur, she looked like a skunk! Lawd knows her flatulent behind makes her smell like one, too!

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

I'd rather have a BM, myself

University grants cat an MBA. I don't need a degree to know I am a genius, although Mommy contends that I leave my brains in the proximity of Pooh Corner three times a day!

Sunday, December 05, 2004


Mommy gave me carte blanche to keep pooping on the floors and wiping my butt on the rug because she doesn't have any money for litter. Yee haw!

Of course, she said that when she does have money, she's moving our asses to a place with hardwood floors. Ouch! That would hurt to drag my butt across!!! She already hates digging the poop out of my furry butt -- what would it be like to remove splinters?