I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Holiday ham

After more than a year, I finally FINALLY got some of my beloved turkey from the Honeybaked Ham store. Grandma always gets it for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but this year, she moved during Thanksgiving and there were NO care packages for me. Bitches!

But this year, not only did Grandma send a bunch o' turkey home with Mommy for me, she also cut it up into tiny morsels so that my delicate little mouth could savor them as soon as the 'ho walked in the door after her four-hour drive!

Grandma also sent some holiday ham home with Mommy. They don't usually think to share it with me, as I am a turkey fiend. But today, Mommy was getting some for herself and she decided to give me some tiny pieces. And I LOVED it! So she cut some up and put it into both my bowl and Kadi's.

But as I'd already had a sneak preview of how good that ham tasted, I not only went to MY bowl to clean it out of ham (I ignored the turkey that was also in it!), but I also went to Kadi's bowl to eat HER ham, too!

Just because I now eat (everybody's) ham, though, Mommy had NO right to call me "Piggy"!

Oh well. Happy New Year, and may your litterbox overflow with joy and poop!

Monday, December 19, 2005

The Great Poohdini

Mommy had the audacity to leave me alone with Kadi for FIVE WHOLE DAYS while she decided to 'ho around Las Vegas. Yeah, sure, she said it was a work trip, but she looked more hungover than jet-lagged when she got home yesterday morning!

Anyway, I had to give her credit, because she bought a bunch of litterboxes and lined them up side-by-side in Pooh Corner on our little rug. It was like using a public restroom -- I had so many toilet choices, my ass nearly exploded!

I pooped in each box several times, but my favorite thing was pooping BETWEEN the boxes. Hah -- bet she didn't anticipate THAT, did she now?!?!

I was sure to wipe my ass liberally on the carpet. I hope she appreciates how hard I worked to write "Welcome Home" with my butt, 'cause I sure got the rugburn to prove it!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Must work for food?

Thank you for all the e-mails to the lovely kitty at this domain because of my entirely too long of an absence. Like, the whole month of November. You see, my asshole of a Mommy decided to participate in National Novel Writing Month, so she held the computer hostage while she pounded out her 50,000 words. And the bitch says she ain't done, but screw her, I need computer time, too!

Mommy's been in bit of a dither lately -- always rushing here and there and working a lot and going out of town (grrrr at the last one). But she is taunting me because, last week, she went to the store and bought herself a treat and bought Kadi and me some food. Well, her dumb ass accidentally left her human treat (Hershey kisses, the candy-coated ones that are like misshapen M&Ms) in the car BUT she took the Whiskas wet food up to her office!

And for days, the can of cat food has sat on her bookcase at work. I keep asking when the fuck she's gonna think about her poor, starving Calico and bring the goddamned thing home already, but she keeps forgetting. Today, she just told me I will simply have to come get a job with her so I can eat the food as my lunch. ASSHOLE!