I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Tie me up, tie me down

Mommy came home tonight with a surprise for me.

She bought me a cat leash. She has this ridiculous idea that she is going to take moi out walking.

Bitch. As if. She knows I don't do anything except eat, sleep, and poop. Oh, and vomit when I'm feeling especially motivated.

I am a very unimpressed puss. She clipped the stupid thing onto my pretty little rhinestone collar, with the cute little bell and nametag, and just to show her how mad I was, I sat my pudgy ass down and faced the other way. There's no way she's movin' this little calico kitty. I didn't look at her, not even once, no matter how much she jiggled that damn leash.

This is so undignified. I am far too dainty to be going outside in this oppressive DC heat to do something so menial as walking. Doesn't that bitch know she's supposed to carry me everywhere we go?

So tonight, I shall poop in her eye as she sleeps. That'll teach her to tie me up. Dumb bitch.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Happy belly

Aunt Tiff got home before Mommy did today, so I nicely asked for her to feed me. But the bitch ignored me, so I went postal on her till she dug out the Mow Mix. Then Mommy came home, and my bowl was empty, so I started asking her for dinner. Mommy immediately went for the chow (as she knows I won't be quiet till I have a mouthful of the tastes cats naturally crave). As I was happily munching on my third (yes, third! I usually only get two feedings!) meal of the day, Aunt Tiff informed Mommy that I had already eaten. Hah! I scarfed up my last helping in a hurry, lest Mommy take it away from me.

But, you see, I had to eat again, cause I left a pile of steaming, wet hairballs in front of Mommy's bed just before she came home. So, you see, my belly WAS empty when I asked to be fed yet again.

Although ... Mommy threatened to not feed me breakfast, because of my little trick. Bitch!!! Let's see who shits in Mommy's bed tomorrow if she leaves for work without filling up my bowl!

Thursday, June 19, 2003

Happy birthday ...

... to the king of cats -- Garfield!

To whom I can only aspire to be in my next life. A cool cat who commands humans, canines and the like to bow at his feet and feed him lasagna and cheeseburgers when he's not napping.

Garfield, I salute you! Happy 25th, big guy!

(Story link via Aunt Daddy)

Ha ha, dumbass

Mommy tried to come home for lunch today. She got all the way to our front door before she realized that she had only brought her car keys -- her main keyring (with the house keys!) was sitting in her bag at work. ROFL. She had to go out and buy lunch instead because she couldn't get into the house. I was sticking my paws in my ears and blowing raspberries at her through the window. Asshole! ;)

Monday, June 16, 2003

Litterbox love

The human roommates are having toilet troubles, and boy are they pissed! The toily's been on the brink for days, and it will be at least until tomorrow till it gets fixed. In the meantime, I am viciously guarding my litterbox, 'cause I don't want no stanky human butts pooping on MY litter!!! They can HOLD their bladders and bowels till their human-sized litterbox gets fixed!

Saturday, June 07, 2003


I've never heard of a kitty having a pooping problem, but Fred the Cat did, and his mommy gave him an enema. Bad mommy!

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Kitty porn? ;)

Seems I have a new fan out there. Thanks to Damelon for allowing Petit Lapin to enjoy a lil cross-species kitty porn once in awhile!!!