I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Explosive diarrhea

I had the best shit this morning. Truly, never was a wetter, more plentiful shit ever had by any feline or human. And boy did I stink up the house. Aaah, what a relief!

The problem? It wasn't in the litterbox.

Kadi was being her usual loud and obnoxious self all through the night. Mommy has had insomnia for four days, and she'd had it and chased Kadi out of the bedroom. I was of course curled up next to her on the bed, where you can always find me. She did get to sleep around 4 a.m., and a while later, I felt the urge. But I was afraid to wake her up (she is not very nice when she's first awakened, especially after so much sleep deprivation!), so I found a lovely place to void my little bowels. She's the editor-in-chief of some national magazine, and she happened to have a copy on the floor by the window. So I crapped all over it. Heh. Seemed perfect.

She woke up around 7 and said she smelled poop. I was sleeping on one of her pillows, so she assumed I had shit particles clinging to my anal fur, so she tossed me off of it. She fell asleep for a coupla minutes again, but she got up and said she really couldn't take the shit aroma. She figured it was Pooh Corner, which, admittedly, has been pretty rank of late. But then she saw my mountain-o-shit on her magazine, and she couldn't help but laugh between coughing at the stench. She told her boss and her staff about it today and said it was just a sign that she would get crapped on all day long. And from the attitude she has tonight, apparently she was right!

But hey, it made for easy cleanup, although the scent of ass definitely hung around in the air for longer than I care to remember. And she couldn't get the bedroom window open, to air out the place, so I assume the scent of her favorite daughter prolly clung to her clothes all day long!

Monday, June 14, 2004

Roses really smell like pooh pooh pooh

The OutKast song was written for Kadi and me!

For Mommy's 30th birthday last month (old bitch!), Aunt Bryan and Aunt Paul gave Mommy some pretty hot-pink roses. She wanted to keep them, so she put them high up on top of the bookcase to dry out. Well, Kadi got up there, knocked the flowers to the floor, and we went to town on them, eating them up while Mommy slept. She awoke to a big mess that included lots of green vomit, as the tasty petals did not agree with our tender tummies.

Aunt Bryan had also made a sculpture for Mommy, and Kadi knocked that down and ripped it apart. Boy is she pissed! But at least she knows I wasn't the one responsible for that!

Sunday, June 06, 2004

666 -- the birthday of the beast

I suppose I should be a good big sister and wish a happy first birthday to my little demon sister Kadi.

No one really knows exactly when she was born, but we knew it had to be in early June 2003. So Mommy picked June 6 at 6 p.m. -- all sixes!

I celebrated by taking a whopping shit and not covering it up. Kadi celebrated by eating my breakfast instead of hers. Mommy celebrated by cleaning out the litterbox and treating the shit stains we left on the carpet.

Oh, speaking of shit stains, Mommy held my ass down last night and cut the shit out of my ass fur. God damn, the humanity! She always tells me I stink, so finally, she trimmed all the fur around my asshole and down the back of my legs, where my shit traditionally gets entangled. Bitch! She also took some baby wipes and cleaned my newly shorn ass for good measure. Oh, the agony of it all. I still wipe my butt on the carpet, though -- old habits will die hard!

Tuesday, June 01, 2004


Mommy informed me that just because I can't see her, that doesn't mean that she can't see me -- particularly, my fat furry ass.

She had people over for a barbecue yesterday and locked the bedroom door. Kadi didn't mind -- she's in heat and was happy to be around all the men, even if they are gay. :) But I retreated behind the toilet and stuck my face under the shower curtain. Unfortunately, Mommy saw my tail flapping in the breeze. Humph. Who'da thought it? I assumed that if I didn't have to look at them, then they couldn't see me! I guess I will need to lose some of my kitty fat to make myself easier to camouflage when I do not desire attention.

Oh, and I am sick of getting said attention when I am in the litterbox. Mommy said I need backup lights on my ass, because I back into the box, take my dump and pull out. She gets really annoyed that I do not cover my poop and leave it atop the litter to fester and permeate the air-conditioned apartment. Well, bite me, bitch. It's not like there is enough room in Pooh Corner for me to turn around and play in the sand, is there now? Grandma says I need a swimming pool instead of a regular litterbox. You know, I am getting REAL sick of hearing about the size of my ass!!!