I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Tangled Up in Pooh

Mommy was busy packing her suitcase for this trip she tells me she's taking (and I suspect I am involved in this odyssey somehow -- gah!) when I decided to go nuzzle her at her spot on the floor. How did the bitch show her appreciation? By grabbing the scissors and cutting not only all the fur around my ass, but also pulling the residual shit particles OUT of my ass! Oh, god, the humanity.

She says she doesn't want me wiping my shitty butt on Grandma's rugs the way I do on ours. Oh, christ! That means I'm going to be burritoed into my cage and shuttled four and a half hours to Grandma's house! Fuck me running!

Anyway, Mommy tried to make a game out of my humiliation, singing "Tangled Up in Pooh" to Bob Dylan's "Tangled Up in Blue." I am too traumatized to even remember what her made-up lyrics were.

I'd go wipe my butt on something to punish her, but there's not a trace of my Hershey highway left. *sigh* See how indignant she's made me. ...

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Rockin' the box

Oh, I had THE most glorious poop today! I mean, we're talking a Maddie-lost-five-pounds kind of dump. If only there were a light and a magazine inside Pooh Corner, it would have been a picturesque experience.

Unfortunatley, Mommy caught me exiting the box, and she was furious that I did not cover my wet mound of ass love. For the first time ever, she uttered the words, "You should learn litterbox etiquette from your sister."

What?!?! I am the perfect feline friend. How DARE she suggest I learn something from the Short Bus of the cat world?!?!

When Kadi enters the litterbox, she does her business and digs a hole practically to China. The whole apartment complex knows when she's box-bound, because she literally rocks the damn litterbox. She treats it like a sandbox! At least I am very quiet when I do my business, although I guess I can see her point that she'd rather hear me than smell me. Oh well! Tough shit!!!

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Maddie's new office!

Now that Mommy's got a home office, she told me I'd better start earning my keep, so she gave me her old computer and set me up and gave me a Garfield toy for companionship:

Kadi entered my office and tried to get Garfield away from me. But I won. Incidentially, I love this new rug and have wiped my butt on it many times:

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Kadi Tarzan, me Jane

Now that Mommy's working from home, she brought home about seven boxes of shit from her old office. All knickknacks and lamps and pretty mosaic tables and other furnishings that we simply don't have room for.

This mound of shit that's invading the living room includes about seven huge plants. When she caught Kadi and me nibbling on the leaves, she immediately parked the greenery on the balcony, so when we press our furry little faces against the glass, we can't see the people in the parking lot because we've suddenly acquired our own fucking jungle.

One plant, though, Mommy kept inside for a few days because it turned mostly black during the 10-minute car ride it had to endure with Mommy's Nascar-esque driving skills. It had really long vines, so Kadi had lots of fun getting entangled in the six-foot-long vines and swinging across the apartment. You could almost hear Kadi emitting a Tarzan-like holler as she rode the vines from the dining room table and catapulted herself across the house, onto my head as I snoozed in the living room. Asshole!

Mommy finally pruned the damn plant and dumped it outside with the rest of the rainforest ... after, of course, I took my third shit this week behind the litterbox to show my disapproval of our new houseguests.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

The Joy of Poop

Even though the litterbox is quasi-clean, I took a dump not once but TWICE behind the litterbox today -- once in the morning and once while I was awaiting my loving mother's arrival home tonight.

She is NOT amused.

I am. I keep telling her through my loving weaving through her feet as she walks across the apartment that I am such a talented pussy that I view crapping outside the box as my creative outlet.

The second time, I shat so hard that it bled. She told me this was my big fat ticket to see the vet if I keep this shit up.

At least I didn't poop on her pretty black-and-blue rug like I've been longing to do. I'm saving that for when I'm REALLY mad at her!