I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Friday, April 30, 2004


I barfed in Mommy's favorite black sandals to show my annoyance with our recent vet visit. Kadi one-upped me and made her own special little mess in a pair of undies Mommy left on the bathroom floor this morning. Heh. That'll teach you to get us shot, bitch!

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Angry Kitty and Pudge Ball

That's what Mommy and our vet called Kadi and me today. Assholes!

We have had a very traumatic morning, what with getting baths, being groomed and being shoved in our cages and being subjected to Mommy's horrible driving so that we could go get shot today.

Everyone in the waiting room kept saying how cute Kadi was, but nobody stopped to admire my gorgeous little face. I was very hurt and just couldn't see why Kadi is so adorable. Then again, nobody else has to live with her! People asked Mommy if Kadi is a good cat, and Mommy said that if you think that having shit broken, clawed, misplaced and shat upon is what you'd call good, then Kadi's a perfect little angel. She did tell everyone how Kadi likes to cling to the screen door at her eye-level and how Kadi has ripped the shit out of the screen, so I was pleased to hear that Mommy gets annoyed by her just as much as I do. She even told the vet how Kadi repeatedly tried to jump through the holiday wreath we had on the wall -- they laughed a lot at that. And, of course, Mommy did make sure to point me out and say that I was the good cat.

Turns out that I am more svelte than I was at this time last year -- I'm down to 17 pounds of lovin'. Kadi is at 7 pounds, so I can still sit on her when the mood strikes. I was the calm one who wedged my ass into a corner while Tracy and her assistant Tracy AND Mommy had to hold Kadi down so she could have a thermometer shoved up her ass. HA HA!!! That was funny! Kadi kept clawing and trying to bite all three of them. BOY, was she hissing and howling and putting up a fuss! Tracy Squared left the room for a minute to go get my shot, and we overheard them telling their colleagues that "Angry Kitty" was quite a handful.

Mommy is waiting for them to call ASPCA on her, because when Kadi jumped 14 feet when they got the first shot in her, Mommy went to grab her butt, and Kadi jumped off the table, but Mommy had gotten a firm grip on her tail, so Kadi was suspended in midair by her tail. The vets were none too pleased about this and said something nasty to her. But it's not like either of the Tracys were making a move to get Kadi back -- Mommy had to crawl around the floor in a skirt to get a hold of that slippery little puss!

We should have known the day would be for shit when we got groomed/bathed before we left. Not like it mattered -- so much fur flew in the doctor's office that we both looked like little ragamuffins. And Mommy was wearing a brand-new, sheer shirt, which Kadi managed to snag all over the place, not to mention the full coat of fur Mommy acquired while we were getting shot. And she had to go into work like that. LOL. Serves her right!

Anyway, they told Mommy that the "pudgy" cat (ahem) needs to keep up the weight loss and take off at least another pound by our appointment next year. You mean we need to go back there AGAIN?!?! Damn it! Mommy told the Tracys that it is funny to see my normally sedentary ass ripping across the apartment when Kadi starts chasing me. BITCH! I'm gonna throw up in her shoes and let Kadi into the lingerie drawer so she can rip up some frilly underthings tonight!

Sunday, April 18, 2004

Hot in herrrre

God damn.

It just hit 90 degrees here in Alexandria today! Sheesh -- it's tough being a cute Calico kitty with a metric assload of luxurious fur!

Mommy sat on our balcony for awhile today and got some sun. Kadi and I wanted to go out, but we're not allowed. So we had to settle for lying just inside the screen door and basking in the rays of hot sunlight that poured in through the open curtains.

In good news, Kadi got her ass beaten today. She likes to jump up and hang from the screen -- at Mommy's eye level! You'd think if she were going to be bad, she wouldn't do it in plain sight. What a dipshit! Mommy pulled Katydid's psychotic ass off the screen after yelling at her to get down and to quit doing that and gave her a good whack on her butt. Kadi has not tried it in the past six hours, but you never know with her -- if you look up "assholitry" in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of my sister!

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Happy birthday to moi!

Actually, my birthday was April 2, but Mommy was out of town and we didn't celebrate till yesterday. She bought me a big-ass bag of Seafood Middles (from Mow Mix), and it's all for ME!!! Kadi cannot have any unless she sticks her face in my pretty porcelain Garfield dish. Which, of course, she has managed to do a few times since I got my birthday gift.

My vet sent Mommy a postcard to remind her to bring me in to get shot. It also indicated that they want a poop sample. Mommy said that if they want a poop sample, they need to come home with her and see where I've wiped my ass on the rug (with my long fur, I get lots of dingleberries if I don't smear my butt droppings on something!). Bitch!

Oh, and in case you're interested, I turned 8 this year. Wow! Should I start lying about my age like Mommy is? (She's turning 30 on May 25, but she's been telling people she's only 26. She looks really fuckin' bad for 26! Hah!)

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

What a porker!

Not me, you silly assholes. The 41-pound lardass of a cat who's suddenly on a hunger strike 'cause he's used to getting 4 1/2 pounds of food a day and now isn't 'cause people think he's a fatty boombalatty.

I'm sorry I haven't written in ages -- Mommy went away and left us for a week, and Aunt Shan took great care of us, but that bitch Mommy unplugged the computer! And, as I have no thumbs, well, you know how hard it is to match up the plugs to the holes in the surge protectors!

While Aunt Shan was here, Kadi and I were very good and did not throw up or leave skid marks on the carpet. But within an hour of Mommy being home, we tore the place up -- we were very certain that she did not like living in a clean hotel room at the Hyatt in Kansas City, Mo., without cat hair or kitty ass droppings. We were very pleased with ourselves that we impressed our aunt with our cleanliness and that we could hold out on our mass purging of bodily functions until Mommy could come home and appreciate it -- we had a week's worth of shitting and vomiting to catch up on!