I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Friday, January 31, 2003

My kitty sofa!!!

It's wrought-iron to match Mommy's furniture!

Grandma says I sit like a little girl

Thursday, January 30, 2003


Mommy is really pissin' me off, and I can't get revenge right now.

Her new little Maddie-discipline trick? She got a chili recipe book from Marlboro, and on page 75 is a recipe for "Quick Calico Chili." Yes, you read it right. Calico chili. I know I am sweet and all, but I would make a terrible ingredient in chili. Chili is supposed to make people poop, and well, I like to be the one doing the pooping. I get very jealous when other people poop. And how would Mommy fit my bum into her stock pot? Doesn't she know that I wouldn't fit? That is a good thing, though, that I am a full-figured kitty cat, because you can't cook me. But it still scorches my s'mores that she is taunting me with that damn recipe. Hmmm. I will stay on very good behavior for now, until I can reach that cookbook and eat it so that she no longer has that recipe. Bahahahaha.

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

You can shove yer peppermint shit up your sore ass!!!

Mommy and Aunt Tiff have been trying to steal my record in the house for the Queen Pooper and Queen Vomiter this week. Damn them and their stomach flu! Nobody gave two shits (well, actually, they did) about my own record-setting poop and vomit festivals this week, because they were too busy voiding their internal human organs all the damn time. And it was amazing how they took turns, too. But they seem to be all better, which is good because I can focus solely on my own excrement now. Wheee!!!

But Mommy's gotta stop trying to feed me that nasty pink peppermint shit that made her feel better. I do NOT like it and I do NOT wish to stop pooping like a madwoman! Unlike her, I do not HAVE to leave the house to go to work. I don't mind interrupting a nap for a poop break. Doesn't bother me one bit. Watch me barf up that pink shit, and THEN she'll quit trying to feed it to me!!!

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

My halo is on straight today

Mommy's been so very sick for the past couple of days, but her friends have been very nice to her and have been offering to bring her stuff to help put her out of her misery, although Aunt Tiff refused to buy her the liquid cyanide that she requested. Everybody's got this damn ebola or typhoid or black plague that's been going around -- Aunt Tiff, Aunt Shan, Aunt Bryan, Aunt Paul, etc. -- it's a wonder I haven't gotten sick. I've never seen Mommy puke more than I do!!! I offered her my litterbox, so she wouldn't have to run to the bathroom so much, but the smell of my box made her even queasier (is that a word?), so she opted not to use it. But she hugged me anyway and gave me some catnip, which is her way of telling me I was a kind and thoughtful kitty today.

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

Singin' a song. ...

... Move over, J.Lo -- 'cause you're gonna meet Maddie from the Box!!!

"Don't be fooled by the crystals that I got
I'm still, I'm still Maddie from the 'Box
Used to poop a little now I poop a lot
No matter where I poop
I know where it should go
(In the 'Box!)

Saturday, January 18, 2003

Confused kitty

Hmm. Something is different today. I am not sure what it is. Mommy's not here, but that's nothing new. Neglectful bitch. But what is it, though?

I've been wandering around the house, and nothing seems out of place. Food dish is half-empty, but it's still there. Bathroom faucet -- check -- still there. That's good. A bounty of kitty toys are scattered in every room. That's fine, too. Hmm.

Wait -- ::sniff, sniff:: -- could it be? Quick check of the hallway, past my kitty sofa. Oh. My. Gawd!!! My litter is clean! Sparkling, unblemished, crystally goodness clean!!! Oh, Mommy, I am so very happy. I almost feel bad for pooping in your box of summer sandals in the closet!

Well ...

I don't feel that bad. Consider it a warning bell for the next time you slack off!

Wednesday, January 15, 2003


Mommy tried to outsmart me by hiding the famous blue bathroom rug upon which I love to poop. But I found it today. It's not on the floor but instead on the rim of the bathtub. I was hanging out with her when she was in the shower today (no, I wouldn't go NEAR the water, silly reader!). What I did was crawled onto the bathtub ledge, between the shower curtain and liner. And lo and behold was my favorite little blue rug!!! So I shat there. 'Cause she hasn't changed my litter in more than a week. Take that, bitch.

Tuesday, January 14, 2003

Damn, I'm good.

This morning, I was a clever little kitty. I sat outside Mommy's door and meowed and cried and stretched my furry little self out on the floor until Aunt Tiff came out to see what was the matter. Then I quickly scurried into the bathroom and crouched against the wall near the tub, all pitiful-like, and cried some more until I got what I wanted.

I manipulated Aunt Tiff into petting me even though she was rushing around to get ready for work. Hah! Go me!

Silly bitch, thinking her job could be more important than moi anyway.

Monday, January 13, 2003


I was just having a nightmare that I was in Mommy's backseat, tucked in for four-hours-plus drive to Pittsburgh from Virginia. Argh. Ugly, ugly dream. Enough to scare a little kitty into staying awake for an hour or two. Eeek!

But then I remembered how, because we drove up in the snowstorm, she had a huge container of catty litter on the floor behind her seat. I remembered how SHE went into a pit stop in Breezewood, Pa., to go pee. I had gazed ever-so-longingly at the litter, wishing I could frolic happily through the crystally grains. But nooooo, no pooping for Maddie during the trip. No escaping my tight little cage so I could dance around the car and leave my abundant fur everywhere. That was very cruel of Mommy to make me stare at the litter for that many hours and not let me void my internal kitty organs upon its bounty. Bitch. I am going to poop on the bathroom floor before she comes home from work tonight, as my revenge.

And THEN I will sleep well again!!!

Saturday, January 11, 2003


Mommy didn't go to sleep, which she blamed on me bugging her after she crawled into bed. Whatevuh! Talk to the paw, woman. Now that your ass is awake, I believe you should be feeding me. Yes, I do not wish to be petted, I wish to be fed. If you've got one free hand, that's a hand that should be tossing treats to my feet. Bitch.


Mommy's debating about getting a shower and going into work for a few hours, or whether she should just crawl back into bed and go nappy-time. Hmmm. I can't imagine having such a dilemma. Sleep it is!!! Perhaps I will go take a nap, and she will soon follow.

Thursday, January 09, 2003


Where the hell are you?!?! Your blog is gone and I never see you. I'm going to report you to the Administration of Cat and Family Services for neglecting your six-year-old child who is very hungry. Bitch.

Monday, January 06, 2003


Aunt Daddy quit his job today. Deadbeat. How's he gonna support his firstborn daughter, with no income? Of course, other than the catnip-injected tampon that he gave me for Christmas, he wasn't all that useful to me, anyway. Asshole.

Friday, January 03, 2003

Furniture Delivery!

My Kitty Sofa arrived today! I love it, but Mommy got mad at me when I tried to eat the fuzzy cushion cover. She tried to take one photo of me, but the UPS guy came to the door and I bolted. She's gonna probably force me to sit pretty for some more photos so that she can upload the one that flatters me the most, I am sure of it. :) Stay tuned!!!

Thursday, January 02, 2003

Mommy & Me

Mommy and I had fun with her new digital camera from Grandma!!! Look how sweet we were! We were sitting under the tree after the New Year approached. Notice how we have the same eye color -- I really AM my Mommy's little girl!!!

New Friend!

Meet Phoebe. She's quite a cool little kitty, although she resolves to be nicer during 2003. Hah! Does her mommy Moxie actually believe that shit?!?!

My own New Year's Resolutions are simple:

1. Eat everything in sight.
2. Poop on everything in sight.
3. Continue wiping my ass on the new carpet when I am finished taking a poop. However, I may just get back to wiping my butt on the walls, too -- I haven't done that in quite some time.
4. Did I mention eating everything in sight?
5. Knocking over only items that are made of glass (of which Mommy owns shitloads, and her favorite is cobalt glass), instead of knocking over such things as boxes, clothing piles, or plastic shit. There is not as much satisfaction because the crashes are not nearly as loud.

Mommy's finally at work today. Thank god -- she hasn't been at work in two weeks! I finally have my clean house to myself!

I have to say that Mommy did well by me this Xmas. We are still waiting for my kitty sofa to arrive, but I have a new food mat, bowl and toys, all in the Garfield theme.

And Aunt Daddy got me a stick of Catnip Dynamite, only it looks like an industrial-size tampon (that's why he bought it, he said). I am not sure if I like it, 'cause Mommy accidentally bonked me in the head with it, and it hurt. Ow. I guess I'm not a "Pearl Girl" after all!!!

Wednesday, January 01, 2003

Happy New Litter!!!

I am so glad to be home, blogging for my five faithful readers. :) It means that I will not be going buh-byes in the car for a long time to come, I hope!

Mommy dragged me to Pittsburgh on Christmas Day, during the nasty storm that swept through the North East. Argh. I kept very quiet from my little cage in the backseat, because I did not want to disturb her concentration, even though I was hungry and bitchy and really, really had to poop. But Mommy is an excellent driver during inclement weather -- it's the only time she really watches the road, actually. But as we bypassed a bunch of accidents and when we were in snowstorms and on icy roads, she didn't bat an eye. She kept us on the road, and that's all that mattered. And we still got to Pgh in four hours. How cool was that?

In Pgh, however, I had to stay at Grandma's house for FIVE FUCKING DAYS. Five!!! But Grandma spoils me rotten, much more than Mommy does. I ate every hour, on the hour. All I did was go lie beside my empty food dish, and I'd purr and look imploringly at my lovely Grandma, sending her ESP messages to feed me. And she did. And I got good stuff, too. She bought a turkey as well as a ham from Honeybaked Ham Co., and she diced everything up into dainty, bite-sized pieces for me. And she wasn't stingy with her servings -- or with the seconds, thirds, and fourths that I continually commanded. She rocks!

Mommy, however, stayed at a hotel for two nights. I felt so very lost without her. We always curl up and go night-night together. However, I prowled the house, looking for her, but she was nowhere to be found. Bitch. So, I got mad and ate Grandma's Christmas tree, in rebellion.

Grandma was none too happy with me, as most of her ornaments were off of her pretty little tree, which she decorated in red, white and blue for Grampy, who's a WWII veteran. Everything was glittery and sparkly and just plain delicious. Mmm, mmmm. Grandma sure knows how to decorate!!!

However, Grandma also made this fabulous M&M's themed wreath, complete with dolls, ornaments and candy in the trademark theme. It was so damned adorable, I just wanted to shove my paw down my throat and gag up a hairball. It was truly a hold-my-whiskers-back-while-I-puke kind of cute. I wanted to eat it for dessert, but it was up too high and the table near the door wasn't high enough or close enough to allow this stealthy huntress to eat that chocolately goodness that hung from the front door. Assholes, one and all, for hanging it away from my clutches. Damn y'all to hell!!! :)

Mommy and I had a miserably long drive home, which was weird, considering that the weather had improved a whole lot. The speed limit in Pennsylvania is only 55, so Mommy went 62 for the whole Turnpike ride. And she was listening to that goddamned angry lesbian music again, and I whined in protest the whole way. Then we stopped in Breezewood 'cause she had to pee. I also had to go potty, but do you think the bitch let me out of my cage to go relieve myself? Cunt.

We stayed in Breezewood for nearly an hour, as Aunt Shan called Mommy and we stayed parked for awhile so they could catch up. I seethed silently, 'cause Mommy woulda kicked my ass if I'd interrupted her precious conversation. But then we were back on the road, headed to Maryland with its 65 mph speed limit. Unfortunately, the roads were PACKED and everyone was going 50 mph. What's up with that? Normally, I am disturbed by the high speeds, but at that point, I just wanted to go home and fall asleep in my litterbox. Fuck. It took us nearly four hours from Breezewood, a trip that normally takes two to two and a half hours, at most. By the time Mommy pulled my cage outta the backseat at our apartment, I was famished, as I had become dependent upon Grandma's neverending bounty of food for me. Six hours, total, without a feeding! Christ!!! I was ready to gnaw on Mommy's ankles, by the time she let me out of my cage. Luckily, the bitch knew to feed me post-haste, or she would've had one angry kitty.

Today, she gave me some of the turkey that Grandma had fed me. Woo hoo!! Go Grandma, for sending the turkey home with me!!!

Mommy went out with Aunt Shan for awhile last night, but she came home so that we could ring in the New Year together. I lay on her lap while she called Grandma, and we had our tree lit and it was just a festive little evening for us girls. I tried very hard not to knock over her wineglass, as the merlot would've stained our light-beige carpet, and she was very proud of me. After wreaking havoc at Grandma's house, I was entitled to being a good little cat for a night. :) And there's a whole new year ahead for me to raise hell, so for my fans, stay tuned for more of Maddie's adventures in wonderland. It's been fabulous being able to share my life with you!