I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Sunday, September 28, 2003

Sick kid

I'm sorry I haven't written much lately -- I've been very sick. My eyes are all watery and crusty, and the left one is practically swollen shut.

Mommy isn't sure whether it's from pinkeye (although the vet told her kitties don't get pinkeye) or whether it's from the little asshole Kadie fighting with me and scratching me. At any rate, though, we're both going to the vet on Monday or Tuesday -- whenever the clinic can fit us in. I hope they put Kadi to sleep!

Monday, September 22, 2003

Up, up and away

Okay, other than the Short Bus cat -- Kadi -- farting up a windstorm every 10 minutes, she's providing me with some amusement (when I'm not running to the windows, gasping for breath!).

Mommy has three get-well balloons hanging over the side of the couch. The strings from one of the balloons wasn't tied up, so Kadi likes to bat at it. Well, yesterday, she decided to latch her evil little teeth into the ribbon, and she went sailing across the room for a millisecond. But her fat ass couldn't be supported by the delicate Garfield and Peanuts balloons, and she crashed to the floor. Hee hee. Dumb bitch thought she could fly. Maybe I'll go kick her ass and send her sailing across the room -- she'll REALLY go flyin' then!!!

Saturday, September 20, 2003

Something smells fishy

God damn it, is that Short Bus Cat that I see? Oh, for Christ's sake!!!

Mommy (bitch!) brought Short Bus -- okay, okay, one of these days I will start calling her Kadi, as Mommy has requested. It just won't be today -- back home today so that Aunt Mikey could pick her up. Only ... I overheard Mommy leaving a voicemail for Aunt Mikey to not come over for now -- she said she wants to KEEP the little runt for awhile longer!!!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!!!

The little one attempted to run up and scare me when she first arrived, but I hauled off and hissed and charged her. She hasn't bothered me since. Good. Perhaps she has finally, finally realized who's boss.

Who's boss around here? Unfortunately, today, it's looking like it's Mommy. ASSHOLE!!! I'll get you for this!!!!!!

Thursday, September 18, 2003

Rain, Rain Go Away

It's raining
It's pouring
Mommy's out whoring.

Actually, the bitch is sittin' her fat ass on the couch, where it's been parked for the past two weeks since her surgery. :)

She's been sleeping more than ME! My goodness, I didn't think it was possible!

Mommy was gonna go get Short Bus Cat from Aunt Bryan and Aunt Paul, but she didn't feel well enough to drive to Arlington today. *whew* They have her locked in her cage most of the time, as she's still being a little shit to Itchy and Phillip. In fact, they just call her "Little Shit" now.

They said that she plays catch. Have you ever heard of a cat who plays catch? Sheesh. What a goofball. They said they throw a ball and she retrieves it, and that's about the only five minutes of each day that they are amused by her.

I can tell Mommy misses her, but I have been extra-good so that Mommy doesn't get the weird idea to bring her back here for good. That would suck ass, big time.

I've been sitting inside the balcony today -- in the black velvet cushiony bed that Mommy had bought for Short Bus. We have the sliding doors open, and we're enjoying the 38 mph winds. Mommy always taught me to be calm during storms, so I am just hangin' out, gettin' the stink blown off of me. :)

One thing I really don't miss about Short Bus is that she farted all the time. For a tiny kitty, man, you wanna talk about stankin'! Sheesh! Eight dozen air fresheners couldn't disguise her funky ass around here! I would never do that -- I am a very prissy cat and wouldn't be caught dead emitting a bodily function other than poop. 'Cause pooping is the ultimate -- why do something any less than that? :)

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Oh the humanity

Mommy had a real bright idea to put me on a leash/harness and take me out on the balcony today. Bitch! I parked my ass down and made her drag me out by my dead, cold paws.

I was not happy. Sure, it's all sunshiney and pretty outside today, but I didn't like being tied to her. I strolled around a little bit, just to make her happy, but I wasn't the least bit pleased at being trotted around like a circus animal. Mommy just needs to realize that I really am human -- not some pet, like she seems to treat me as.

In good news, Mommy talked with Aunt Mikey about putting the Short Bus cat up for adoption on Saturday. She seems kind of sad, but she's really sick after her operation and isn't moving around all that well. She feels like Short Bus needs someone who can love and take care of her, and she feels bad 'cause we can't get along. But Mommy's no dummy -- she knows that it's my house, and if a new kitty can't get along with me, then that kitty needs to go. I, for one, think she's making a wonderful choice!

Right now, Aunt Paul and Aunt Bryan are being scratched up by the little terror. Apparently she's eaten all of their plants and continually blocks the litterbox so that our cousins Itchy and Phillip can't poop. Damn it -- ain't nobody should stop you from poopin'!!! Paul and Bryan can't wait to return Short Bus here, but I can wait forever -- any time she's here is too much time! :)

So much for me having and keeping a lil sister. Maybe Mommy will think long and hard before bringing another furry presence into Maddie's world!

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Short Bus outta here

Mommy had an operation earlier this week, so she left me alone with the Short Bus cat for several days. Aunt Daddy took care of us till Mommy came home on Wednesday, and he's popped by a few times to check in on us and to clean my box, as Mommy can't bend over much.

Mommy had her appendix out (along with various other complications I don't understand), and now she has this stupid bag hanging from where the doctors cut her. Well, as soon as she walked through the door on Wednesday, Short Bus Girl leapt up and dug her claws into the bag. Ugh! It's catching bad blood and tissue, and the little shit grabbed it and tried to pull Mommy to the ground with it.

I'd feel bad, but. ... It bought Short Bus Girl a long vacation to Aunt Paul and Aunt Bryan's house. Wheee!!!! So it's just been Mommy and me here at the house all week, and I've tried to be extra-good so she would appreciate me and love me and not send me away like she did with the little terror. Heh.

Anyway, that's news for now. I am trying very hard not to throw up too much, as I puked last night and it took Mommy a half hour just to get down to the floor to pick it up. I'd love it if Short Bus never came home, but I understand she's terrorizing Itchy and Philip, my kitty cousins, and isn't letting them eat or poop. Pussies! All they have to do is hiss at her and bat her around a little bit. She won't get the message, but at least she needs to know she's in for a fight! ;)

Friday, September 05, 2003

Aunt Tiff! Where are you?

Not only did Mommy burrito my ass into my tiny lil cage, and not only did she move all my stuff to a new place, and not only did she bring ol' Short Bus into MY space, but she somehow managed to LOSE Aunt Tiff!!

Dumb bitch.

Poor Aunt Tiff. How she must miss my velvety fur on all her favorite black clothes. I miss trying to sneak into her room to hide behind her chair. She called me "Pudge Bucket," I called her "Asshole." We had a beautiful relationship. Unlike Short Bus, she didn't eat my food, or poop in my box, or attack me. Except for that time with the kitty comb. Bitch.

But she did have this strange preference for petting her laptop. I used to try to push her hands off it, to remind her that I am the cat and she should have been petting me, but she kept insisting on petting that silly computer...

She must have been riveted to my blog. Asshole.

Come back, Aunt Tiff! Come back!

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Coochie coochie ya ya ya ya

Oh, do I have a special treat for you tonight: "Wash the Coochie"!!!

Special thanks to Jamie for sending me the "Coochie" song!!! *grins*

Enjoy! And I hope your booty don't stank like my sister's!


Lots of photos from the weekend:

Here's Chloe tormenting me. She had just raked her claws down my tail, and I was pissed:

Here I am glaring at the Lil Terror, daring her to attack me:

I got up, put my fighting paws on and prepared to show her who's boss:

Here she is, looking innocent. But we know better!

And finally, GRANDMA!!!!!!! *smiles* 'Cause I'm Grandma's Girl and always will be!!!

Shitty kitty

Mommy took Chloe and me to Grandma's house in Pittsburgh this weekend.

Chloe is not good in the car. I was really sick and could barely muster a grumble when Mommy started flying up the highways, but Chloe registered her complaint by taking a big ole shit in the car.

We were on the PA Turnpike, just heading toward the big Allegheny Tunnel (which I hate 'cause it hurts my ears when we drive through it). Well, I smelled shit ... and lots of it. So I howled to alert Mommy to the fact that somebody had pooped their pants. Mommy thought, because I was the one howling, that I had done it, and I was mad.

So we had to go through the tunnel and another 20 miles of construction before we could pull over at a rest stop. Mommy finally crawled into the backseat and checked my cage -- but she saw it was dry and clean, just the way I like it. But then she realized that Chloe had pooped all over her brand-new cage, and her paws were covered in shit. And it wasn't just standard rabbit turds -- oh, no, Chloe had traveler's diarrhea. It was oozing out of the cage and onto the cute frog blanket that Mommy had put below our cages to keep them from rocking too much.

So Mommy cleaned up Chloe (thank goodness for a new pack of kitty wipes) and let her run around the car while she managed to get the poop outta her cage. Then she put Chloe back, and I was hoping I'd get to run around the car, too, but she wouldn't let me, 'cause my fur is long and gets everywhere. Bitch!

Mommy carried the poop into the Somerset Service Plaza, and she said it was a special brand of humiliation to have to take a big steaming bag of shit into a public place to throw it away. Heh. She gained quite a new appreciation for her oldest and favoritest daughter during the trip, as I was simply a delight to travel with ... rather, at least, more of a delight than Chloe was.

Grandma and Mommy call Chloe "Short Bus Girl" -- they figure that, if Chloe were human, she would definitely be riding the short bus to school. The little dumbass kept bonking her head off the coffee table glass, thinking she could jump up at everyone sitting on the couch above her. Asshole! She also ran into a bunch of other furniture items and kept looking for my dish, which Mommy had removed because I refused to come out of the bathroom closet. I was thrilled to get room service all weekend, as I didn't feel good and definitely didn't want to see Chloe. The little shit never did figure out where I was all weekend, but she obviously didn't miss me ... just my bowl and my food. Ha ha. Dumbass! :)