I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Thursday, May 26, 2005

It's a dream come true!

A cat with hands

Instead of my signature saying being "Asshole!" I could simply flip people off as I sit in the window and watch them waddle past while I am held prisoner in our apartment. Somehow, giving them "the paw" just isn't altogether that satisfying. :(

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Hot cross puss

I swear, we've had our screen door on our balcony replaced no fewer than three times in the past few months, and on the first day the newest one was up, Kadi took a claw and ripped the whole bottom of it away from its frame.

So, it's hot, I stink and I'm not allowed to have a window open to blow off said stink. Fuck!

Of course, during the oh, I don't know, hour that the screen was intact, I was indignant that I was regaled to sitting INSIDE when I've been able to play on the balcony. Like, isn't that a demotion in privileges?

That first night that we had the new door (and it was 80 degrees here in D.C.), Mommy left the sliding glass door cracked open, just to provide a hint of fresh air, while we slept. That was when Kadi found a way to collapse her getting-ever-fluffier ass to slide between the glass and the screen and when, of course, she slit the screen open. The next morning, Mommy woke up to her alarm and NOT to Kadi shredding her leather coat again (tragic loss -- it looks horrid!) or bouncing from the dresser onto her head, claws first. Immediately suspicious, Mommy shot up and raced to the balcony, where she found Kadi sitting under the grill.

Conceding defeat, she threw Kadi in her cage and let me play outside while she got a shower and did some work before hitting the highways. And don't worry -- Kadi got to go outside too while she was in the cage, so I danced around and tormented her by batting at her with my paws, knowing she couldn't do a fucking thing about it. Triumph!

Unfortunately, I got too cocky. I started eating Mommy's dead palm tree again, and when I came inside, I shat like ALL OVER THE FLOOR. I vomited for good measure. The poo was sticky and runny and ridiciulously fragrant and just plain DIVINE!

Oh, but wait, the Mommy=0, Kitties=2 score was about to get evened in a BIG way.

Now, whenever I shit on the floor, Mommy catches us both and rubs our noses in it. I have LOVED seeing Kadi get punished for my misdeeds, so it's been worth it to get a whiff of my own poo for a second or two. But the bitch got smart this time. *sigh* She KNEW my poo and decided to rub the side of my face in it! EWWWWWWWW!!!! And she didn't do it to Kadi -- just me!

So, I walked around all day with crusty SHIT in my long fur. I couldn't get it out, so I sat around looking pathetic for when she came home (but not after I'd gone and slept on her pillow, shit-side-down!). When she saw me and realized that I'd spent 13 hours with shit on my face, she immediately grabbed a kitty wipe, but to no avail. Then, she ended up cutting out a bunch of my facial fur (and I've got a furry face -- like, my fur is almost as long as my whiskers!). And, for good measure, I got an ass-shearing while she was at it.

It's been three days, and I still have a chunk of shit on my fucked-up facial fur. Not like Mommy ever looks at me long enough to notice. But she does tell me I stink, every time I waddle past her. Um, DUH! And for once, it's HER fault!!!

God, the indignity. :)

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Booty bouquet

Happy Mother's Day to all you brave, glorious folks who have furchildren! I salute you with my tail for all the good food, fresh water, shiny toys, warm beds and gallons of carpet cleaner that you bring into our lives. You rock!

The thing with us kids, well, we can't get out of the house to buy you a gift in honor of your holiday. And sure, we could go onto your Amazon wishlists and buy you stuff you might want, but you don't trust us with the credit cards anymore (especially if we've downloaded too much "kitty porn" at your expense). And, besides, why buy you shit when we can give you shit for free?

That said, Mommy dragged her ragged ass in at an indecent hour last night, and she got up late. Of course, I'm sure she would have loved breakfast in bed, but not only do I not have opposable thumbs, but it's not like she has like food and stuff. And I thought she might like flowers, but she hasn't let me off the balcony to go pick some.

So, I was left with the only choice for giving her a wonderful, homemade gift that would fill her senses -- I cooked up a nice shit souffle and served it up steaming hot on the carpet. It's like I made my own "Mother's Day arrangment" without even having to contact a florist -- my own special brand of "booty bouquet." Get it while it's hot!!!