I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Short Bus rides again

I've come down with yet another cold, so I have been avoiding the computer. And thanks to Kadi, Mommy's trying to make the computer a cat-free zone, because the little monster always gets up there and knocks over her jewelry, bounces her perfume bottles to the floor and whacks the ashtray overboard. *sigh* I have to wait till Mommy leaves the house till I can blog. Damn it.

Last night, my dream came true. Mommy came home really late, and Kadi was so excited to see her that she ran out the front door. Mommy was really tired and didn't notice the little shit running out into the great unknown, so she locked up the house. A little while later, she was putting food in our dishes (dry food -- fuck you, bitch, for your fast dinners! Can't you take five more seconds to open up a can of yummy wet food?), and she noticed that Kadi wasn't chewing at her ankles, like she usually does.

Mommy wandered around the apartment before pausing at the front door. She opened it a crack, and in came Kadi's head. Oh, for fuck's sake -- why didn't you just leave her out there, Mommy?!?!

Monday, October 20, 2003

Skid row

Why does Mommy get so mad when I wipe my butt on the floor? You would think she'd appreciate it that I want to have a clean ass for all to admire!

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Catchin' bugs

Mommy has a little cockroach trap set on the kitchen floor, behind the garbage can. We are very clean, but once in awhile, a critter emerges from the drain.

The other day, a waterbug went dancing across the floor. Mommy saw Kadi playing with it, and she didn't care. But then when I went to check it out, Mommy went nuts, pulled me away from it, and squashed it with the heel of a nearby shoe. Heh. Funny how she's so much more protective of me than of the little terror.

Kadi hasn't gotten any smarter since I last wrote. Remember that bug trap? Well, Kadi hasn't quite grasped the concept yet that it's for real bugs. What did she do? She took my favorite toy -- a stuffed ladybug with sequins -- and shoved it into the trap. I kid you not -- I came over to find the ladybug's ass hangin' outta the trap, and I was very upset and howled for Mommy, who pulled it out and petted me on the head for giving her hope that she has at least one smart child. :)

Monday, October 13, 2003

A day with Maddie and Kadi

First, we start the day with breakfast. Here's Kadi (as usual) tryin' to see what's in my bowl. She will go to my bowl after I leave to go poop.

After a hearty breakfast, I like to drink some water to wash it down. But not out of a bowl or our kitty fountain -- I prefer sinks and bathtubs. See Kadi following to see what I'm doing so she can copy me!

I tell Kadi exactly what I think of her following me!

Time to take a nap right inside the screen door! And when we wake up, we can listen to all the annoying neighborhood children in the parking lot below.

Kadi rarely forms a thought, but here she is trying to figure out how to get outside. Next time Mommy unlocks the screen, I will slide the door open and let Kadi run out on the balcony, but I will stay inside with my halo on as straight as possible. :)

Sometimes Mommy gets off her fat ass and rewards me with some catnip. Here, I stole the bag from her so I could get even more high off those sumptuous herbs!

Kadi is too young to be placated by smokey kitty treats, so she runs up to Mommy and scratches the fuck out of her. Here, Mommy captures the little beast whining for getting punished (she gets scruffed) for drawing blood.

So we go back to sleep inside the window, and when we're hungry again, we go harass Mommy and look pathetically cute so she will feed us a good dinner.

After I get done eating, I go back to the litterbox to take a steaming shit. Kadi takes that opportunity to go visit my bowl. Mommy shoos her away from my food and encourages her to go back to her own bowl ... six dozen times. Finally, Mommy zings her with the watergun. Kadi isn't pleased with the water being zapped at her noggin.

When Kadi is bad, I get rewarded with treats.

Soon, it's time to go to sleep for the night, assuming Kadi doesn't jump on me and harass me every minute of the freakin' night. I'm really sleepy, so I decide to sneak in a snooze while Mommy's still awake to protect me. 'Nite everyone!

Saturday, October 11, 2003

Kadi gets loose!

Thanks to moi, of course!

In the last post, Mommy told you how Kadi's too dumb to open doors, so I have to do it for her.

Well, as we visit the land of my not-too-bright sister, well, I let her out of the house yesterday. And who's Mommy furious at? Kadi. *muahahaha*

Mommy went out on the balcony last night to call Grandma (as she gets bad cell phone reception in our house), and she (as always) closed the screen door behind her.

Well, the door might've been closed, but it wasn't locked, like it usually is. So while Mommy was busy yapping and scowling at the 400 neighborhood kids who always gather under our balcony to raise hell, I took it upon myself to jump up and slide the door open a crack.

Kadi, of course being the idiot that she is, squeezed herself out of the crack and started running around the porch.

Mommy jumped 10 feet, hung up the phone, and chased Kadi for 10 minutes. I was hoping the little dumbshit would just jump off the balcony and either commit suicide or at least run away. And because Mommy still hasn't gotten an ID tag for her, nobody would bring her back here if they found her!

Kadi hid behind our grill (that the dumb bitch Mommy still doesn't know how to use) and under the grill cover. So when Mommy would go lift the cover, Kadi would shoot to the other end of our 18-foot balcony.

I don't know how she did it, but Mommy managed to outrun her and scruffed her up like a mama cat would. Kadi was pissed, but she deserved some punishment for sneaking out. (Meanwhile, I watched the whole thing -- don't think I was going to walk out on the porch and get my own furry ass in trouble!)

So Mommy put her in her cage and let her sit on the porch in her cage. Kadi was scared of all the nasty, loud kids below us, and she howled till Mommy took her back inside and let her run around.

Mommy closed and locked all the porch doors after that.

And I got extra treats for being a good puss. ;)

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Guest blogging

No, I'm not turning over my password to the "I Crap in a Box" litterbox fiesta, but I will let Mommy tell you all about my victory over Kadi today. Enjoy!

I'm gonna go harass the bitch for dinner now ... she hasn't fed me since 8 a.m. ASSHOLE!!!

Monday, October 06, 2003

Puss in Boots Poop

I'm back and feeling much better now -- thanks to everyone who kept their paws crossed and thought happy thoughts for me! ;)

But now it's my stupid sister Kadi who's sick ... and this time, she's got a mean case of the runs. She shat all over the apartment today -- she left five wonderfully steamy piles of runny shit in the bathroom, in the hallway, in the dining area and in the living room. She also knocked over Mommy's always-full ashtray that sits next to our computer keyboard, and Mommy was none too pleased. Tee hee -- glad Mommy doesn't blame me for all the stupid shit Kadi does!

But I do have to take credit for one thing. Next to our litterboxes, Mommy keeps two big scoops so she can excavate shit out of the boxes whenever we take our hourly dumps. Well, I decided that I just couldn't POSSIBLY allow Kadi to shit more than I can, so I took a dump straight into one of the litter scoops. I was so pleased -- not only had I been creative and "pooped outside the box," but I also did it in a way that was convenient for Mommy to dispose of the chunks. Clever little shit, ain't I? :-D