I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

How much I love to chew on thee. ...

Tomorrow's the day I get Burritoed into my too-tiny cage and shuttled to Pittsburgh, although Grandma says there's gonna be a lot of snow, starting tonight, where we're going. She even told Mommy that, if we aren't coming today, we shouldn't come tomorrow, 'cause the weather is at least good today. Shit, Mommy ain't gonna drive in the dark, so I have another day to myself. I just hope the bitch can drive in snow/on ice, 'cause we aren't even packed and ready. The bitch is still at work, too (although I know she's only burning CDs and not actually WORKING!).

She and Aunt Daddy were supposed to go out tonight, but he bailed on her. She's mad, 'cause she would've had us ready to leave at noon today otherwise. Hopefully she'll go down to D.C. by herself and leave me alone with my pretty tree tonight. Although, she did just get her new Melissa Etheridge video, and she'll probably want to watch that at some point tonight. Oh, joy -- the lesbian music fiesta begins. ...

Friday, December 20, 2002

Friday Five!

1. What holiday or holidays do you celebrate this time of year?
I celebrate the bounty of turkey dinners that I receive on Christmas Day. And I celebrate whenever Grandma sneaks me leftover turkey scraps when Mommy's not watching. And I celebrate my naps. Yep, 'tis the season to be snoozin', fa la la la la. ....

2. What was the best gift you have ever received?
Grandma always buys me endless packages of treats, so I would say those are the best gifts ever! However, Mommy keeps 'em in a wire basket on top of the fridge, where I simply cannot reach them. And that bugs the shit out of me, because they are MINE, damnit, MINE!!! And she's pretty damn stingy with them, too. She probably eats them when I'm sleeping in her closet. Yes, that must be why she does not give me more of them.

3. What was the worst gift you've ever given?
Yeah, like I have any money to give gifts. And my humans don't seem to like the shitpiles that I leave on their carpets, or the hairballs I leave in the bags and clothes they leave on the floor. Fuckers.

4. Where will you be celebrating the holidays? Are you hosting? Going away?
Oh, Christ. I'm off to Grandma's house on Wednesday, shoved in like a Maddie Burrito into my too-tiny cage. Mommy grabs me and wraps my little hot-pink towel around me, tucking my claws in so I can't destroy her clothing, and she slides me in like she's putting a burrito in the microwave. Motherfuck. I hate holidays where I have to travel to Pittsburgh. And Aunt Daddy won't be driving this time, so I have to prepare myself for four hours of angry lesbian music each way. Oh joy.

5. If you could spend the holidays with someone who isn't around, who would it be with? Why?
Hmmm. I miss my Unca Janna. She always gave me lots of presents to eat. But she always took tons of photos of me, and that used to piss me off. And I do love seeing my Grandma -- I just wish I could see her more often than on holidays. :) 'Cause she skips the presents and just feeds me a whole lot, which is fine till I have to get burrioted back into my cage, 'cause I always leave there 10 pounds fatter, or maybe it's just the cage that shrinks while I'm there. hee hee.

Thursday, December 19, 2002

C'mon bitch ... leave

I know Mommy bought me Christmas presents yesterday. I think she's hiding them in the hall closet. I need for her to get her funky ass out of the shower and on her way to work so I can start snooping. Oh, goody, presents for me, what can it be? I hope that it involves food. Or toys. I can eat both, no biggie. :) I'm certain that whatever I am getting will be yummy and that I will poop it out immediately upon consumption.

Mommy also got me a kitty bed. How do I know this? Because she just ordered it from Collections Etc., and I was lookin' over her shoulder from my cozy post on her bed (although I pretended to be snoozin' in the sweater she's gonna wear today). It's all black wrought-iron with a kitty head at the top and little fishes around the base. Woo hoo! Although, I am perfectly content sleeping on Mommy. Last night, she fell asleep on the couch again, watching the lights on our pretty tree, and I hopped up on her and fell asleep myself. But then the front door opened and I got scared and ran for the hills, but that was only Aunt Tiff coming home. But my slumber was disturbed, and damn it, I was pissed. Perhaps with the new kitty bed, which I hope not to cave in with my fat furry ass, I will be undisturbed during future naps.

However, in good kitty news, I got fresh litter last night, and for that, I am most pleased. And Mommy gave me good food too, none of that dry shit that she throws my way when she's in a hurry to go meet her friends.

I was really hoping for an iBook for Christmas, but we's po' right now. I hate using the iMac, 'cause it is difficult for me to reach the keyboard from the computer chair. With a laptop, I would be able to maintain my fabulous website from the comfort of my soon-to-arrive kitty bed. Perhaps I will sleep on Mommy's head tonight and put that thought into her brain by ass-mosis.

Wednesday, December 18, 2002


I shat on Mommy's blue rug. Again. Bitch, it's litter time!!! Get a clue.

I feel my song coming on .... "Poop! I did it again/I shit on the floor/On Mommy's blue rug/Oooh, baby baby/Poop! You think that I care/That you had to wash it again/I'm not that interested!!!"

Ooh, the rugs are coming out of the dryer now. Muahahahaha. ;)

Friday, December 13, 2002


Wednesday, December 11, 2002

Fun with search strings

Thank you to my loyal visitors who came here this week seeking, among others:

1. Crap
2. Wash the coochie
3. All swears like hoe bitch
4. Aunt pussy smells good
5. Big fat stanky pussies
6. Bitchy grandma
7. Britney parody
8. Cat grooming alexandria va
9. Cat knocked over christmas tree
10. Cat taking a crap.

Glad I can accommodate!!!

Monday, December 09, 2002


Okay, so Mommy got the bright idea to start zapping me with a spray bottle every time I go near the tree. Bitch. She bought a very pretty tree skirt today, all shimmery cobalt blue with black glittery trim. It was so pretty that I had to rub my hind claws on it and put the very first snag in it immediately. Oh, she was not a happy Mommy, so she filled up the bottle and doused my ass.

Then, while she and Aunt Tiff were talking about jobs and boys, I snuck under the tree for my evening treat, and damn it if Aunt Tiff didn't grab the bottle and ping me a few times with the water. Oooh, I see a lotta SHIT in her future!!! Doesn't she realize that I leave skid marks in crop-circle markings around her computer desk already?!?! Just you wait, my dear sweet Auntie -- I've got a butt fulla shit and I ain't afraid to use it!!!

Saturday, December 07, 2002

Crapping outside the box

Well, since Mommy didn't bother changing my litter since we got back to town last weekend, I decided to leave a few of my own special nuggets of joy everywhere in the house -- even on her blue rug upon which I so love to poop. I figured, that's an easy way to get her goat. She's no neat freak (just a freak!), but she absolutely abhors when garbage is not in the garbage can, when dirty dishes are everywhere but the dishwasher, when trash isn't at the dumpster, etc. -- so I figured that would be an easy way to get my potty freshened. And damn it, it worked! It's 1 a.m. and my litter is C-L-E-A-N!!! Although, it was unpleasant when Mommy had to put on her gloves and pull six poop nuggets outta my butt -- and I was eating the blue foil stuffing in Aunt Shan's birthday gift, and the foil was stringing the poop cubes together, like a festive strand of garland. Consider it MY contribution to the decorating!

Friday, December 06, 2002


I am at home, chewing on the tree and ringing that damn bell all I want, 'cause Mommy and Auntie Tiff ain't around to kick my ass every time I graze among the lowest boughs of the tree. But I did find this cool photo of Mommy and me, taken a few years ago when the bitch bought REAL blue-spruce trees instead of the stupid fake, spiral one she has now:

Thursday, December 05, 2002


Mommy put up her Christmas tree today and hung all the pretty ornaments and lights on it. It's looks terrific. Good enough to eat. Really. But Mommy told me not to. Silly bitch, I snagged a bite when she left the room. But then Aunt Tiff ratted me out and started yelling at me to get out from under the tree. Asshole! So of course Mommy comes stomping out to yell at me and pull me away from the tree, but honestly, for what reason could she have put the tree up if she did not intend for me to eat it? It is a bounteous Advent feast just for me.

But then she had to go and put this stupid glass bell ornament on it so she can hear me if I tug at the tree. So now it's "every time a bell rings, Maddie gets her ass kicked." Bitch.

Snow in my litterbox

It's a snow day. Mommy AND Auntie Tiff are BOTH home with me ALL DAY. Dumb bitches. They are interfering with my 23-hour beauty rest. Though, I guess it's good that I can whine loud enough for them to turn the bathroom faucet on for me whenever I want. Yay!

Even so, they are making noises and it is disturbing my delicate consititution. Perhaps I will go vomit on Mommy's bed. Yes, that sounds like it would make me feel better. It almost makes me wish for another road trip with Aunt Daddy. At least he appreciates it when I sing along with his techno music. He even gave me the cute "DJ Divine M" nickname. It's much better than trying to sing along with mommy's whiny-nasty-lesbian-music. When I try to sing along with that, Mommy thinks I'm bitchin' and starts dousing me with water. Asshole.

Wednesday, December 04, 2002


Auntie Tiff came home last night from her trip to England or wherever it was that she was going. It couldn't have been that great, as I did not accompany her. Not that I would have. I hate traveling.

Anyway, she brought Mommy some shot glasses. She brought cookies for her boss. She brought presents for everyone but ME. Dumb bitch. I'm going to poop on her computer.

I wonder if it's because I knocked over the roses Aunt Tom gave her and got water all over her London maps? Nah, she thought that was cute; I am sure of it.

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

Bad Cat

Mommy has been calling me her Bad Little Cat since we arrived in Pittsburgh on Thursday. Late that evening, she and Daddy went to Pegasus, the only gay dance club in the city, where they used to hang out all the time. Anyway, when they rolled in during the wee hours of the morning, they were very upset to find that I had knocked over Grampy's little glass-and-wrought-iron table where he eats his meals. Fuck them -- did anybody think to ask if I were OK? Hell no. Selfish bastards.

What had happened was that Daddy had given Grandma a pretty pink rose, which she had put in a pink vase in the middle of this table. Well, I was hanging out on the arm of the couch, and I wanted to eat the rose, so I leaned on the glass tabletop, which for some reason could not support my 16 pounds of girth, and it went crashing to the floor. Oops. The wrought-iron stand even went ass-over-teacups, and the water from the vase went everywhere. Mommy was pissed off because Grampy's pills for the morning all got melted by the water, not to mention the fact that the stack of bills on the table were ruined. It's not like Mommy pays her own bills -- I'm allowed to poop all over them, if I so choose, 'cause she just throws them away anyway.

Grandma said she heard the table crash, but she didn't bother checking on me. I guess her Valium kicked in quite nicely. Mommy put the table back together completely wrong and had to prop up one side of it with a stack of paper towels so the thing wouldn't rock. hee hee. All this happened after I went and hid in my favorite spot -- behind the TV-atop-a-TV. Only this time, Grandma didn't move the TVs so Mommy could yank me out. Mommy was pretty damn clever, actually, as she left a trail of turkey leading out from behind the TVs into the living room. When I followed the path-o-meat, Grandma surrounded the TVs with boxes of kitty litter and bags of cat food so that I could not squirm my furry little ass back there again. Damn, these girls are good. I will have to figure out a new way to challenge them to keep me out when I go back for the December holidays. :)

Yawn. Off to the closet-top for a nap! See how cute I am when I yawn. ...

Monday, December 02, 2002

Pretty Pissy Pussy

I'm still recuperating from being in the car all frickin' weekend to visit Grandma's house in Pittsburgh for Turkey Day. Argh. I will write more when I get back on my normal sleeping schedule again -- I was required to be awake entirely too often when I was there. And I hate riding in the car, although Daddy drives a hell of a lot better than Mommy ever will. :) I didn't cry too much -- in fact, I rather enjoyed singing along with Daddy's techno music. He calls me DJ Divine M 'cause I meow to the beat. heh.

Shit, I've gotta poop. Be back later!!!