I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Sunday, December 21, 2003

Kadi might just have a brain after all

Even though my little sister Shorty B. Kadi does dumb stuff like trying to jump through our holiday wreath (that's attached to a wall!), she got smart all of the sudden and learned how to get into Mommy's purse. Now she's playing with money all the time. Not like Mommy has a lot, mind you, but she has lots of change, and Kadi likes to spin nickels and quarters around the floors. I think she's stashing them somewhere so she can afford her own kitty treats. I might actually have to start doing this myself! And tonight, just now, Kadi found a dollar bill and took off to the bedroom with it. Mommy didn't see it -- maybe when Kadi is caged up tonight, I will take the dollar and hide it for a Put Kadi to Sleep Fund. Maybe I will present the idea to Mommy when I get enough saved up!!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Kiss my grits!

I *~*heart*~* this!

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Christmas Idiot

Sorry I've been away -- our web host has been changing some stuff around, and we have had a hard time getting new posts to show up. But I'm back and as fluffy and adorable as ever!

And Kadi's still dumb as shit. Mommy put up a holiday wreath above the couch -- it used to be all pretty and fiber optical and whatnot, but it doesn't work this year. But I have had so much fun playing in its empty box that Mommy decided to leave it up so I could have a little bit of joy in my life, for a change.

Kadi, though, has more fun playing with the wreath. In fact, she thinks she can jump through it. So she keeps trying to. It is funny as all hell, watching her leap from the couch cushions into the center of the wreath, where she invariably bonks her head off the wall. I thought I might have seen a dent in the wall, but the real dent is just in my sister's head. Dumbass.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Madness and Chaos

Rejected title: Never use teeth when eating a condom

While the title can aptly describe my Thanksgiving vacation, it seems that Mommy has decided that those words fit me and Kadi, respectively. Bitch!

Oh, christ, did I have a rotten trip last weekend. Of course, I got stuffed into my cage and was forced to spend more than four hours in the backseat with Kadi. Luckily, Mommy hasn't flipped her lid entirely and doesn't shove us in the same cage. At the very least, she puts her luggage between our little cages so I don't have to look at my little sister. One single saving grace!

Kadi and I stayed with Grandma on Turkey Day night. I went to my bedroom, which is the second shelf of Grandma's linen closet. Grandma had cleaned it out for me, so I had lots of room to roll around and hide from Kadi. The last time we were there, Kadi was too little and stupid to realize where I was hiding, but this time, she kept finding me. Asshole! But she was far more entertained by all the human visitors who kept infiltrating the living room downstairs, so I was mostly safe.

But then, there was a big call for snow in Pittsburgh, so Aunt Daddy decided that Kadi and I should spend the next night in the hotel with him and Mommy. I'd heard good things about the Sheraton, but I wasn't impressed. Although Kadi and I did find toys under Mommy's bed, which kept us occupied for all of about a minute. What did we find, you ask? Something Mommy calls "condoms" (Lord knows she and Aunt Daddy weren't using them -- they both like boys, so there was no action to be found in THAT room!). Kadi bit through the wrapper, but she didn't swallow -- she spit it out when Mommy swatted her on her butt to scare her into removing her big ole fangs from the package. Tee hee. I always thought condoms were supposed to be safe for pussies! I guess, in this instance, I was wrong! Mommy told us you should never, ever use your teeth when you have a condom in your mouth. :)

Mommy and Aunt Daddy had to sneak us into the hotel, because those assholes don't allow four-pawed creatures on the premises. The nerve of them! Who wouldn't want cute, cuddly lil kitties hanging out and pooping everywhere?

We had to sit in the car till Mommy and Aunt Daddy ran to the hotel room to empty their suitcases and bring them back to the car. Aunt Daddy stuffed me into his duffel bag and bitched and whined that I was too heavy to carry. When we were waiting for the elevator in the parking garage, I started worming around, and Mommy started hissing at me to stop it. The people standing behind her were giggling at her, thinking she was talking to a suitcase. *rofl* I love it when she makes an ass of herself!

Kadi (cage and all) went into Mommy's suitcase, and she was actually really quiet during the big heist of sneaking us into the hotel. Which, my friends, was a bitch. Mommy and Aunt Daddy dragged us up two flights of stairs so that they could get the freight elevator on the second floor before we could go up to our room. I didn't utter a peep, even when Aunt Daddy was complaining about lugging me around (asshole!).

Leaving sucked worse than going it. It got COLD overnight, and in the early morning, it was SNOWING when we left the hotel! Mommy had run out to the car to get my cage, and she and Aunt Daddy walked right past all the hotel staff with us in plain sight. But what could they say -- they couldn't get mad 'cause we spent the whole night there and didn't cause any trouble (well, no more than we are usually capable of!).

Aunt Daddy was going to leave our litterbox in front of our noisy next-door neighbors' door, 'cause they came home drunk in the wee hours of the morning, with NO consideration that we had to leave early to get on the road. Kadi had pooped a lot (like usual), and I had made my own special contributions to the box. We thought it would be fun to put the neighbors' bill into the soiled crystals, but Aunt Daddy finally thought better of it and left the box right outside the freight elevator, so that the hotel staff wouldn't leave it in there for the next guests, like how the previous guests left a condom for us.

Although Mommy was smart to bring us a litterbox to use there for the night, the dumb bitch forgot to bring food and water dishes, so she put our food in an empty ashtray, and she put our water in a cocktail glass she found in the bathroom. I suppose we were livin' the high life like that, although you can't fool me! I thought hotel stays were supposed to be so great, but I wasn't the slightest bit impressed.

The drive home totally sucked ass. We met Grandma and Grampy for breakfast the next morning, but Kadi and I were stuck in the car AGAIN. Didn't they think we were hungry? I could smell the breakfast foods wafting out the restaurant's vents, and I was very upset that I could not go whine and ask for people food (even though I never get it, anyway!).

I loved seeing Grandma (she came to the car to pet me and say goodbye to me). She loves me lots (and much more than she likes Kadi!), and she cries when she says bye-bye. It makes me sad to leave her, and I cried all the way home 'cause I missed her so. That, and I got fucking sick of being in the car for another five hours!

I tried to sing along to the music that Mommy and Aunt Daddy played. Aunt Daddy likes me 'cause he says I sing to the beat. He says Kadi is tone-deaf, 'cause she whines when she feels like it, not when the bass is thumping. Dumbass. I must teach her how to sing better, 'cause she hurts my ears when she's screaming in the car!

I'm going to go back to Pittsburgh for the December holidays. I just wish Mommy would leave Kadi at home. If the weather is good, we are going to take a longer trip and go to West Virginia each way, to take Aunt Bryan and Aunt Paul to Aunt Bryan's family's house. But I understand this will add an hour to the trip each way, and I don't like that idea. Not one bit. I wish Grandma would just come down and see us instead!