I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Monday, July 19, 2004

Party animals

What happens at the House of Maddie, you may ask? Not fucking much. Other than my unbridled cuteness, along with my shitting, stuffing myself till I puke, taking whopping shits and wiping my ass on the carpet, I blog and play with the computer after Mommy goes to bed. And then, when we know she's fast asleep, we shall tear up the house. Whaddaya think, is 3 a.m. a good time to start the par-tay?

Tonight, Mommy doused our asses with catnip so that we would let her get some rest (ha! fat chance!). Here, I detect some residual 'nip on Kadi -- one last chance to get high:

Finally free to use the computer, here I am, starting my blog for the evening:

I prefer the G4, but Kadi likes the iMac better:

My time is always spent in the blue chair:

But Kadi prefers the black-and-green one:

Although we try to stay the fuck away from each other, sometimes we conspire on how to get Mommy to feed us treats:

Well, Mommy wanted us to be sleepy, but we're wired and ready for another full night of partying in the litterbox! Where's the kitty porn?!?!

Catching the moon

Kadi is an idiot. Real, bona-fide Short Bus on wheels that were shot off, I tell ya.

The bitch stays up all fucking night, keeping Mommy and me awake till all hours. Nights are just not pleasant here -- I mean, I sprawl out on "my" side of the bed, only for Mommy to displace me because she thinks it's "her" side (don't worry -- I nudge her into the middle of the bed incrementally during the night, so she has to trip to get over me in the morning!). But then Kadi refuses to take a long nap with us. Oh, no, she decides to run around the house, knocking shit over, playing with plastic bags she finds and otherwise rips the house apart.

But her favorite nocturnal activity is to sit on the windowsill in the bedroom. She looks out at the moon and decides she wants to jump for it. So she screws up her strength, takes one big flying leap, and goes splat straight into the window. Repeatedly. I'm not kidding -- she's nuts!

It's almost like a "Bugs Bunny" cartoon -- it's like I can see the stars and Tweety Birds flying around her empty little noggin every time she hits the glass. And the thing is, we live in an apartment with crappy, flimsy apartment windows. One of these days, she's gonna go headfirst into the window, and both she and the window are going to go plummeting into the street!

And I can't WAIT for that day to come! But in the meantime, it's really fucking annoying to have to listen to her headbanging against the glass all night!

Saturday, July 10, 2004


Our favorite Aunt Shan is moving to the West Coast in two weeks. She has taken wonderful care of Kadi and me when Mommy goes out whoring around on work trips. But the irony of all ironies is that, when Mommy goes to visit her next month, who's gonna take care of us kitties?

I keep hearing discussions about possibly having Mommy drop Kadi and me off in Pittsburgh for two weeks so Mommy can go whore around visit Shan. Oh Christ! Isn't there anybody in the Alexandria area who, for two weeks, would feed us and scoop up our litterbox and scrub our skid marks out of the carpet and clean up all the glassware Kadi breaks? I don't wanna go for a ride in the car! Waaahhh!!!

Sunday, July 04, 2004

Happy Fourth, my ass

Because, of course, it's all about my ass. Deal with it.

Mommy started off the day by clipping Kadi's claws. It amused me terribly to see Kadi pissed off and hollering because she was being held down -- usually it's me, getting the shit clumps cut outta my ass fur.

Oh, but wait. My turn was next! I was at the bathroom faucet this morning, taking my post-breakfast drink, and Mommy cornered me with the kitty shears. I allowed her to cut out a few clumps from behind my neck and on my back -- it's hot and I didn't really mind having my mass-o-fur thinned out for the summer. But then she went for the ass clumps. Bitch! I started squirming, and Mommy decided to turn the cold water faucet on high and douse my ass. Despite myself, it felt kind of good. But I did not let her get all the shit out of my ass -- now it's even more prominent because my fur is still all wet and she says I still stink. You know, I am SICK of hearing how much I stink all the time!!!

Bitch is looking for a new job, so I sat on the classifieds that she was planning to work from today. Hah! Mmm, the smell of wet newsprint has overtaken my standard shitty kitty aroma. Rock on!

What are you doing today? Personally, I plan to have an explosive shit at sundown -- we don't have much of a view of anything here at the apartment, and Mommy's going to Aunt Shan's to watch the D.C. fireworks show, so I s'pose I just have to create my own! I am going to eat blue shimmery foil package stuffing that Grandma sent, and I need something red. Mommy's bloody mary mix doesn't appeal to me, but I think the bitch has some red tissue paper around here somewhere. What can I find that's white? I want to have the most patriotic shit in town!

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Bursting bowels

I take it back when I said I never had a more wet, plentiful shit last week. I had an even better one last night.

Mommy fed us fresh new food. And I overindulged a bit. She has taken to giving me more food because Kadi refuses to eat from her own dish, so she fills mine to the brim with Cat Chow goodness. So I gobbled up all the earthly delights of my bowl, only to find that my stomach simply isn't accustomed to being so full. So not only did I vomit up a hefty amount of kibble, but I also wanted to take a big steaming dump to ensure that my stomach felt better. The problem? Kadi was in the box at the time, and there is simply not room for two cats in Pooh Corner at the same time.

So I did what any self-respecting puss with bursting bowels should do -- I pooped in my sister's black velvety bed in the living room.

Mommy got up and wordlessly cleaned up the vomit, but alas, the air-conditioned apartment still bore a stench she couldn't quite identify. So as she started to walk out the door with the bag of kitty vomit, she saw my sister's bed -- much like my sister -- was full of shit.

All the vomit and shit has been dragged out to the curb, and now there is yummy orange-smelling carpet treatment soaking into the bed and rugs right now.

When is she gonna realize that, if she would just open the door and let Kadi go find a new home, then I will quit shitting everywhere?