I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Saturday, May 31, 2003

In memoriam

Aunt Dawn's beloved kitty Ashley recently passed away. Please take a moment to offer Aunt Dawn a note of condolences, and wish little Ashley an eternity of frolicking through catnip and eating from treat-filled trees.

Aunt Dawn is sad because she wasn't with Ashley when she died, but she's got to remember that she's the last person who spent time with Ashley, only moments before she passed. We kitties have our pride -- and Ashley probably said goodbye and was thrilled to spend her last waking moments with her mommy. I truly believe that Ashley didn't want her mommy to cry, so she waited until her mom left the room before she climbed the giant kitty condo into the sky.

Thursday, May 29, 2003

No scrubs

Or, rather, no siblings. w00t!!!

Turns out that Romeo the girl cat has a home, so Auntie Tiff is leaving her in Arlington. Which is beautiful for me, because Mommy decided to not get me my booster shots, as I am not being exposed to another kitty so I really don't need them. Mommy is just happy that she's saving the money, but I'm more glad to not have to go buh-byes in the car with her, only to have a large needle shoved up my ass. Last time we went to the vet, Mommy went careening around a corner at warp speed, and my little cage went tumbling across the backseat! When she got me out of the car, I was on my back because the cage had flipped completely upside down. Bitch can't drive!!!

Monday, May 26, 2003

In the closet

I get real pissed 'cause Mommy won't let me in her walk-in closet anymore. Bitch! So today is laundry day for her, and she had the closet open for awhile. Every time I approached it, she would shoo me away, drag me away or turn the hairdryer on me so that I would run away. Finally, I decided I was sick of her shit, so I ran into the closet. She pulled me out by my hind legs, and when she let me go, I ran back in and sat on top of my favorite box, the one right under her dress clothes.

She came right for me, ostensibly to kill me as promised, but then the box top caved in and I was stuck amid her collection of stuffed frogs. She gave up and is letting me hang out for awhile. And she's leaving the door open, so that I am not trapped in there, because a kitty could die from suffocation amid all the shit she keeps in that little room.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003


Mommy was just bragging over at her site how she paid a massive pet deposit for me at our apartment and that the humans had done more damage to the place than I ever could. That was before I barfed all over her bedroom floor this morning. Ha.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Kitties love vibrators, too!

For Mommies Day, my Mommy bought herself a massaging foot spa unit. She loves it. And she got very angry with me when I tried to drink from it. Seems she's pissed that I throw a fit about drinking from my personal water fountain in the kitchen, so I got swatted away from the foot bath.

I got over my ire when Mommy held me on her lap while her feet were soaking. Aaaah ... my ass was vibrating quite happily, and I stayed on her lap for a very long time. No wonder she has all kinds of vibrating contraptions to play with -- it's a nice way to make a tight pussy feel good! ;)

Sunday, May 11, 2003

Happy day!

Wanted to wish my Mommy, and all the other kitty mommies out there, a happy Mother's Day!!! If you love to receive homemade gifts from your children, you'll find this year's present in your local litterbox. Enjoy!

Saturday, May 10, 2003

Still an only child

And loving it!

I will take the advice of my readers and make any cat who crosses my litterbox into a loyal subject. I am taking this extra time to plot the many ways that I will continue reigning supreme in my household.

Mommy has already given me permission to kick any kitty who lays a claw on her furniture to Kingdom Come. I love being firstborn!

Thursday, May 08, 2003

Hot pussy

Damn, it's getting hot and humid here in Northern Virginia. It's almost 80 degrees today! There was a monsoon out there for awhile, but it has since stopped and the sun has crept out of its litterbox.

I am so very happy that Mommy has put a cute little fan on the bathroom sink for me. I love to lounge on the rim of the sink and cool off in front of my fan. I keep begging Mommy, though, to turn on the faucet, but she said I'd get electrocuted and besides, I do have my own personal drinking fountain in the kitchen. And wouldn't you know that she caught me using the fountain the other night? I can no longer beg for the faucet stream when she knows I will go use my damn fountain when I'm parched. Bitch.

At any rate, Mommy doesn't leave my fan on for me while she's gone all day. Damn it, if only I had thumbs, I could turn it on myself! Mommy, come home and help me, already, damn it! You've got a hot pussy, waiting to be pampered here!