I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Saturday, August 30, 2003

Uh oh

Mommy bought a new little kitty cage, ostensibly for the Cat from Hell. This can only mean one thing -- that we are going to be shuttled somewhere for the weekend.

Fucking wonderful -- the Little Hellion had a bad cold, and I caught it. We're both snarfing and wheezing all over the place. And I haven't felt like eating in DAYS! (Surprise, surprise!) And then this morning, Mommy practically forced me to eat. Now I see why -- we're goin' on a road trip. As if I weren't already sick enough, but now I have to put up with her driving me up and down the highways all weekend. Just great. And to have the Baby Monster right next to me is just a joy that words simply cannot convey.

Weep for me.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003


Chloe fell in the toilet again. Stupid girl!

I saw the whole thing. What a goofball. And I watched her get a bath afterward. Ha ha! I think I am really starting to like her -- she will never be as smart as her big sister! :)

That's what she gets for eating all of my food and leaving me nothin'! But at least Mommy feeds me extra treats when Chloe is too busy snarfing up everything in my food dish, so it all works out! :)

Sunday, August 24, 2003

Pissy Pussies

Lil Miss Chloe needs to realize that I am far less interested in making friends with her than she is with me.

She also needs to realize that, by attacking my lovely fluffy tail, she is NOT pursuing this friendship thingy the right way.

I was sitting on Mommy's lap last night, enjoying some much-overdue affection since the lil terror arrived on our doorstep, when Chloe pounced onto Mommy's shoulder to show me that she's got an "in" with Mommy too. Fuck her. I hissed like a rattlesnake, to show her that I was most unimpressed. Mommy complained 'cause my breath stunk like Mow Mix, so I hissed at her too.

Today, I climbed onto one of my chairs, and Chloe thought she could take a running start and leap in my face. Oh, but no, dear little dumbass. I shot her a look, and she went sailing. But then the dumb shit came BACK to harass me, this time sitting right under my chair. I tensed up and waited for her to get a bright idea, and just as my tail flopped down in relaxation, she went for it and dug her claws into it. Bitch!

We continued like this for some time -- me, sitting high up in my rightful place, and her, my subject beneath me. She kept bugging me to pay attention to her, so I tried hissing to make her go away. And did it work? Of course not!

And what was our dear Mommy doing during this piss-fest? Taking photos, of course! Asshole -- you'd think she'd help out her favorite daughter, right? :)

At any rate, I now have digital photos to prove that Chloe was the one antagonizing me, so I am happy about that. If I'm feeling good this week, I might just post one of those photos, showing me as the queen. Of course, Mommy needs to figure out where she packed the battery charger, 'cause the camera just died. I must go remind her to take care of this.

My goodness, how would these two survive without me to keep them in line? :)

Saturday, August 23, 2003

Down the shitter

OMG, I have been laughing my fat furry ass off for the past half hour. Tee hee. Chloe fell in the toilet!!!

*catching breath, about to burst into hysterics again!*

Because the little one is shitting an awful lot, Mommy decided she should scoop the clumps out of our shitterboxes this afternoon. So, no sooner than she lifted the toilet lid, but Little Miss Chloe came bouncing into the bathroom. Chloe (the little suck-up) wanted to jump up on the toilet to greet Mommy, but when she jumped up, she fell straight into the bowl.

HA HA -- DUMBASS!!! Now she's all wet, and I'm turning blue from giggling and enjoying her stupidity. Dipshit -- doesn't she know yet to make sure the lid is down before she jumps up?

I suppose I will have to teach her these things. When I get around to it, of course. I am in no hurry to end what little enjoyment I am getting out of her so far! ;)

Friday, August 22, 2003


I have never been in the presence of anything other than humans before. I've never seen, live-in-the-flesh, another cat or even a dog.

And I've been an only child for nearly seven and a half years! But that, my friends, ended today.

A half hour ago, when Aunt Mikey brought over Little Miss Chloe, I was so very puzzled. I mean, come on -- I am the princess of my mommy's life. Why does she feel she needs another puss to complete her life?

The little runt is running around right now, trying to find a spot of her own that I haven't wiped my ass on. Heh -- good luck! Although I see that mommy bought her a huge black velvet kitty bed -- she took it out of the plastic tonight. Bitch! She figured that I have my little sofa, so Chloe should have her own place to lounge that has been untainted by moi. I guess I can't begrudge her yet.

This little one has so much energy! She's running around like a lil freak. She'd never had catnip before, so Mommy gave her some, and she's just bonkers. Mommy also smartly gave me a double dose of 'nip as well, and I'm just chillin' here in the corner, hoping the lil shit leaves me alone.

Aunt Mikey tried to socialize us. He introduced Chloe to me twice. She didn't want to talk to me. The feeling was mutual.

How we met, actually, was that I was strolling through the house, and the little terror ran right up to me and hissed at me. I hissed back. She hissed and whined, and I started growling. Aunt Mikey and Mommy came to see what all the ruckus was about, and there we were by the litterboxes, having our first bitch-fest. I'm sure it won't be our last!

Oooh, this is gonna be so fucking weird. She is staring at me as I type this, and I'm just givin' her nasty looks. I am also glaring heavily at Mommy, that fucking wench, for doing this to me. I'm gonna poop in her face while she sleeps tonight!!! ASSHOLE!!!

Thursday, August 21, 2003

It's official!!!

I AM the cutest pet in the blogosphere!

While competion was fierce (against the very studly Cowcat), my loyal followers ensured that my cuteness was recognized and celebrated!

And that John guy who hosted the contest is quite a hot little tomcat himself, if I do say so myself! ;) Thanks to John and to everyone who voted!!! I shall vomit and crap in everyone's honor post-haste! ;)

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Am I the Cutest Pet in the Blogosphere?


If you think I am the Cutest Pet in the Blogosphere (and we know you do!), then go vote for me in John's Cutest Pet Contest!!!

Thanks for your vote! :)

Update: The contest ends at noon, Eastern Time, on Thursday, Aug. 21. Go tell him who's a cutie pie!!! :)

Sunday, August 17, 2003

The air is changing

My mommy is officially getting custody of my lil sister tonight. Aunt Mikey is bringing her over after his dance practice.

We have a brand-new litterbox for her (so that she doesn't get in my way when it's time for my daily shit), along with foodstuffs and a pretty little collar. It matches mine -- we both have black collars with shiny lil rhinestones, only hers is pleather and mine is cloth, as Mommy says I need an expandable one for my fat little neck. Bitch! :)

Mommy's trying to get the house a lil more organized, as the new cat is only one pound or so, and she will get lost much more easily than moi. Humph. Bitch didn't clean the house for me, did she now? But I have loved getting in and out of cabinets (a no-no, as far as Mommy is concerned) and sitting on half-unpacked boxes and rubbing my furry ass along their contents.

I shall teach my new lil sister all the ways to infuriate my Mommy, and then I will stop doing those annoying things, so that Mommy recognizes that I am the better daughter and I won't get yelled at anymore.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go polish my halo. I haven't used it in quite awhile. ;)

Speaking of the air changing
There are some changes and additions to my list of friends at the left. Aunt Ari moved, and Aunt Jodie and Aunt Beth are now on my list of daily litterbox reads. Are you out there reading my page, too? If so, drop me a line (and hopefully you have thumbs and don't have as much trouble typing as moi does) at cat AT caterwauling DOT com, and I'll be happy to link to you. :)

Thursday, August 14, 2003

STILL an only child

I think Mommy's just fucking with me, trying to warn me that I'm getting a lil sister. Even though I've seen photos of her, she still hasn't materialized. This, my friends, is a Good Thing.

But Mommy's seeing Aunt Mikey on Saturday, as she's taking Jynxie (Aunt Daddy's youngest child) in to get shot, and it's Aunt Mikey who's his vet (Jynxie's vet, not Aunt Daddy's, just for clarification!).

So I suppose Mommy and Aunt Mikey will do that little thing humans do called "making plans," and I will assume they will choose a date least convenient to moi to spring the little furball upon me. Pfft. Assholes!

Mommy has a new, tiny litterbox for the new arrival, as well as a brand-new dish and all kinds of kitten food to fill it with. She bought the new cat the expensive Iams stuff, but she quit feeding me that long ago, when she realized she could feed me more if she bought cheaper stuff. And I can't complain there, 'cause I live to eat! (Hence my curvy 18.3 pounds of girth, but I'm not fat -- I'm just all fur!!! ;)

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

I Crap in a ... Tub?

Rejected title: Pooping on porcelain

I have had it with the lazy bitch who is my Mommy, as today is the one-week anniversary of us living in our new house and my litterbox is stankin' up the place!!! So, I crapped in the tub ... leaving her a loving pile of big, luscious, round and healthy turds. My ass was most satisfied with my work.

The bitch got up and yelled at me when she went to take her shower. Hey, you know what -- I could have crapped on the brand-new carpet, but instead, I chose to poop on porcelain, which made for much easier cleanup. But then again, there is now a brown stain in the glowing white tub from my skid marks. Not like I care -- I immediately got new litter after Mommy took her shower!!! Yay!

Monday, August 11, 2003

Shit Stonehenge

I think it is high time for my litterbox to be changed, so I decided to poop in a perfect circle around my little blue box. I very neatly arranged my turds along the three sides of my box that are not along the wall. Mommy called it a Shit Stonehenge, the eighth wonder of the world. I don't care what she calls it -- clean my box, bitch!

Thursday, August 07, 2003

New house!

The bitch otherwise known as Mommy stuffed me into my lil cage yesterday and dragged me down I-395 to our new home on Seminary Road. Luckily, it was a short ride, and I kept quiet so she could concentrate on following Aunt Daddy and leading Aunt Paul and Aunt Bryan in the big bad moving truck.

Mommy strapped her computer in with a seatbelt, and did you THINK she would have had the same concern for her poor little unbuckled kitty in the backseat? Asshole!

Mommy and Aunt Daddy had a great time laughing at me. She kept me in her big walk-in closet (in my cage!) while everybody moved our furniture into our abode, and when she wanted to see me again, she opened the front of the cage so I could walk out. But I didn't. I had my ass pointed at the cage door, so Mommy thought she'd be cute and try to dump me out. But that didn't work, as I held on tight by my legs and my fat furry ass. She lifted the cage high above her head, but I still refused to budge. So finally, put let the cage down a little bit closer to the floor and she managed to rock it enough so I would slide out.

Then she took me out for all to admire me, which I loved ... for a minute. Aunt Dave, as usual, refused to come near me 'cuz he says cats don't like him. Paul and Bryan and Daddy all petted me for awhile, but then they started remarking on what a fatass I am. Fuckers! When Mommy put me down, I left a big cloud of fur all over them and hightailed it to the bathroom, where I hung out under the toilet until the boys left. Skinny little fuckers (who like boys!) -- they wouldn't know a good pussy if they fell over one!

I swear, our moving endeavor was like "Queer Eye for the Fag Hag." :)

I understand my new little sister arrives tonight. I plan to show her who's boss, don't you worry. But for cripes' sake, Mommy, how much trauma can you possibly inflict on me in 48 hours?!?!?

Monday, August 04, 2003

Where's my blue rug?

Rejected title: Butt chunks o'plenty

I used to have a blue bathroom rug, upon which I loved to shat. But now it's at the new apartment, so I can't wait to get there to rub my furry butt cheeks along its plush goodness.

But today, I needed to void my bowels, and the litterbox just wasn't good enough. Oh, no, it stunk to high heaven, and I didn't want to put my clean ass upon week-old poop clumps. Alas, I howled for Mommy to awaken, but she was annoyed and put me outside her room, slamming the door in my little whiskered face. Well, I decided to get back at her, so I shat on the bathroom floor.

But before you think I am a mean and spiteful cat, let me tell you that I went to Mommy's door after my colon was cleansed, and I howled like a cat outta hell. So Mommy got up and with her usual (lack of) morningly charm and grace, she snarked, "WHAT?!?!!" I led her to where my butt chunks lay, and she surprised me by petting me and laughing. She told me that she just couldn't get mad, 'cause I am so very smart that I tell her when I've left her presents on the floor, so she doesn't step in it and get her feet all muddy.

She changed the litterbox after flushing said butt chunks into the Potomac River.