I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Saturday, July 26, 2003

Fat Bitches


Mommy and Aunt Tiff are packing up to move. Fortunately, they realize that I am much too dainty to pack anything, and so Mommy will be packing my litterbox and my bowl for me.

But I like to sit and watch them work- it reminds them who is really in charge around here- ME! First I lounged on one of Mommy's cardboard boxes, but I did not find it to my liking. So then I reclined on one of her plastic storage crates, and was much more comfortable.

Aunt Tiff made a joke about how the cardboard box wouldn't support my pudgy ass. Asshole. It's not like she OR Mommy need to be making jokes about how pudgy I am. I've seen them naked. And they wonder why I vomit so much. ...

You have GOT to see this photo and caption at SilverBlue!!!

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Dear human,

Your rant about cats made my fur fly. You humans have baseball; the feline national pastime is vomiting and pooping in places where we hope you can't find it, 'cause you yell at us. Not that we care. Hell, your lectures are so long, no wonder we kitties can't stay awake long enough to hear what the hell you have to say. I mean, sheesh, my attention span is four seconds long, on a good day, and that's only because that's how long it takes for my mommy to scoop out some cat food to put into my dish. Y'all are just jealous 'cuz you wish you could lick your own crotches like we cats can! Meee-yow!!!

Miss Maddie

Sunday, July 20, 2003

Name that pussy!


Mommy decided that she wants to change Chloe's name (for those just tuning in, I haven't met Chloe yet -- she's not going to enter Miss Maddie's presence until after we move in early August). Because we know of a human baby named Chloe, things are just getting too confusing for us to talk about "baby Chloe" and "Chloe the cat."

So, friends, what do you think we should name her? Personally, I will refrain from calling her anything other than "Asshole!" because she's invading MY turf.

Mommy changed my name, too, when she got me from Aunt Daddy. I was originally Madonna Lynn, because Aunt Daddy loves Madonna (and what self-respecting gay man doesn't?). Mommy since named me Madeline Annie, which has resulted in a billion variations and nicknames, the least of which have been:

Maddie, Madeline, Maddie-Cat, Puss Cat, Puddy Tat, Puddy Tat-Rat (thanks, Grandma, for that one), Molly (Mommy's favorite), Molly-cule/Molecule (thanks again, Grandma), Punkin, Punkin Puss, Punkin Annie, Sweetness, Baby Girl, Brat, Bitch, Furball, Pork Roast, Hamhock, Pork Chop, Mutton Ass, Pudgy Ass (thanks to Aunt Tiff for that), Bad Cat, Linda Blair (for my "Exorcist"-inspired vomit festivals), Punkin Munchkin, Piggy, Little One, Squirt, Dipshit, Shithead, Poopy Girl, Dingleberry, PITA (pain in the ass, thanks Mommy! You are, too!!!), and many, many others.

At any rate, while I have great faith that Mommy will come up with yet another set of monikers for my new lil sister, do you have any great pet names that you want to share for us to consider?

Mommy and Aunt Tiff were fondly reminiscing (assholes!) about such monikers as Pudge Bucket, Pudge Sack, Pudgecicle, Punkin Noodle, Punkin Butt, Puddin, Puddin Puss, Vulture and Baby Puss. There! Did I miss any more?!?!

Tuesday, July 15, 2003


It's official -- I am going to be a big sister. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Mommy decided to adopt Chloe. The adoption is this Saturday, but Aunt Mikey will keep her until we move. Well, I guess Chloe will call him Aunt Daddy, just like I have an Aunt Daddy of my own!

Anyway, Mommy took a photo of me as I was voicing my disgust:

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

Mommy's cheatin' on me

Yeah, the bitch is always out gallivanting, playing with other people's kitties.

It's bad enough that she's always with Aunt Daddy's doggies Kirby and Jynx. And even Aunt Mikey's dog Topsi. But now Aunt Mikey is fostering kitties in his spare time, keeping them at his place until they are ready to be adopted. I applaud Mikey for caring for kitties who have been abandoned, and for nurturing and feeding them instead of making them stay at an animal shelter. He takes very good care of them, and they are lucky to live with him and Topsi till they find a permanent home.

Mommy never met his first fostered cat, Tommy Girl, but she did meet Chloe on Sunday. Chloe is going to be ready to be adopted in two weeks, at which time Mikey will give another good kitty a nice home for awhile.

The only problem is that Mommy fell in love with little Chloe. I don't know if Mommy is going to be a sucker and want to adopt her, but knowing her, she will. And here I'd thought I was done with discussions about getting a sister. Fuck!

Here's Chloe. Something tells me that the story doesn't end here. ...

Sunday, July 06, 2003


My deadbeat Aunt Daddy came over for a visit tonight. Since we moved here, he figured that he's spent less than an hour, total, in the apartment with his little girl. Fucker!

Anyway, since I don't get to see him much, I'm showing you a picture of him, to remember him by. :) And maybe now you'll see why I call him Aunt Daddy!!!