I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Saturday, February 26, 2005

No shit

I mean it -- I'm constipated. And alas, so is my creativity.

I'm just pissed off 'cause somebody was smart enough to start marketing Poop Paintings. Every time I do poop paintings (my latest project is trying to wipe an M for Maddie on the carpet), Mommy sprays Woolite Pet Stain crap on my original work and scrubs it away. Bah! And she's always telling me to go get a job -- look what I could have done!

Oh, the agony.

But never fear -- my beloved minions are looking out for me and wish to share some light litterbox reading for you:

From the amazing Barb, of Bloggo Chicago fame as well as the spectacular Cat-O-Bloggo, she points us toward the antithesis of MY fabulous page: I Don't Crap In a Box. Thanks Barb!!!

And we have a new reader, Bubec, whose mommy Agatha shared a story for us:

"Just thought you might be amused to see Bubec, the North Carolina cat with too much instinct in knowing where the kitty treats are. I came home one afternoon to find him seated next to the food bowl waiting for cat treats. Unfortunately, my boyfriend had left to work with those same treats on the counter. Bubec had happily torn the bag apart and ate them all. For a week we teased him with the empty bag as a reprimand. The first day we did it, irony befell us. As I was taking pictures of him attacking the bag, one last treat dropped out.


Tee hee. Go Bubec! I always love to hear stories of we four-pawed wonders triumphing over our captors. And that's one good-lookin' tomcat, if I say so myself. ;) Thanks Agatha!

Monday, February 21, 2005

Diarrhea, cha cha cha

Wasn't it "Beavis & Butthead" who sang "Diarrhea, cha cha cha" to their friend "Daria"? Well, now I'm the one singing it to my mommy.

She fed Kadi and me some new wet food from Mow Mix last night -- the "Filet Meow" flavor. Well, Kadi never farted more than after she ate that stuff, and I got a BAD case of the runs. I was within a foot of the litterbox when I just couldn't hold it in anymore -- I left what looked like melted dark chocolate all over the rug!

Not just the rug, but also the cord to the vacuum cleaner, which was coiled up neatly on the floor. It was a glorious mess!

And Mommy had just tried yesterday to find her favorite pet stain treatment at several stores, and she couldn't find it and was planning to try again today to get some. HAH. She used lots of soap and mostly got the shit stains off of the carpet and off of the vacuum cleaner cord, but she was dizzy from trying not to breathe in the funk. I took that time to wipe my ass in FOUR PLACES on the carpet. Wow! That was a ton of shit that got stuck in my ass fur!!! She found me hiding in the bathroom and lifted up my tail, only to see even more fudge left in my crack. So she took a bunch of feminine wipes and made my ass clean again.

I didn't mind that, suprisingly. But what was funny was that after she cleaned my ass, I sat on a Wal-Mart receipt, and it was stuck to my butt as I walked across the house. Mommy was in the living room when she saw me, and she laughed and unstuck the receipt from my ass.

All in all, a typical day! :)

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Hello Shitty, part deux

Mommy took a photo of me in my brand-new litterbox. Can't a cat get any privacy around here? God, between Kadi looking up my ass to see what I had for dinner and Mommy capturing the moment, a girl can't ever be left alone.

So, of course, I shat on the floor this morning. For the fun of it. And it was wet, too! :D

Monday, February 14, 2005

Hello KittyShitty

Marketing idea: Hello Shitty! I mean, if we're going to idolize a cat, let's be real about it, shall we?

I have decided that I am going to create my own brand and usurp that prissy bland bitch Hello Kitty 'cause she's just passe. Instead of Hello Kitty erasers, I will market Hello Shitty turds that are shaped like cat heads. And I will paste my pictures on them because you will certainly want to know where such a glorious turd has come from.

That famous cat doesn't even have a mouth -- how does she call anyone an asshole, the way I call everyone asshole? I'll bet, if she doesn't have a mouth, then she can't eat and CERTAINLY that means she can't poop. What's a cat without a litterbox to miss? No wonder that bitch looks so uptight -- she ain't had a warm, wet, stinky shit in three decades!

And their logo -- "30 years of cute" -- makes me want to vomit. How about "8 years of poop"! My mommy is as old as Hello Kitty, and she used to collect that shit when she was a kid. Now she collects poop chunks from the new Queen in town (Hello Shitty!) that I scatter throughout the house like uncooked rice at a wedding reception.

Mommy says I should give up my idea of scratch-and-sniff stickers, but she's OK with toilet seat covers and pooper scoopers and barf bags. I mean, look at all the celebrities who settle for the mediocrity of the Hello Kitty line -- wouldn't you like to see a Hello Shitty beauty mark slapped on Ashlee Simpson's or George W. Bush's face? Oooh, what about those vaporizing strips that go on people's noses to help them sleep? Forget those menthol strips ... let's make 'em methane! I bet that would help all you single bitches (like Mommy) who don't have datees on Valentine's day to atract a tomcat or two! Tomcats like to smell our asses, and well, if you smell like ass, then you're likely to attract someone at some point, ya know?

And yes, I thought of all of this while my head was in the toilet and my ass was hanging out on the floor today. I figured I'd post while Mommy is scrubbing the piss outta the carpet. In any event, Happy Hearts Day and be careful about that dark chocolate you're putting in your mouth -- I've already started mass merchandising my ideas!

Friday, February 04, 2005

Bath shitter

Have you seen those obnoxious commercials for Bath Fitter? And that fucking awful jingle -- "Call Bath Fitter -- we're the perfect fit!" or some shit like that.

Anyway, I pooed on top of the litterbox (didn't bury it) and I didn't feel like wiping my ass on the floor 'cause Mommy hasn't cleaned all week and there were just so many skid marks already on the rug. So, I went into the tub and left big wet shit kiss prints on the porcelain. Aaah, PRETTY!!!

Mommy saw it when she got home tonight, and you know her and that FUCKING penchant she has to sing about my ass. ...

"Bath shitter ....
For when Maddie SHITS!!!!"

So, alas, now I am the Bath Shitter. Hurrah. I'd wipe my ass on that, too, if she bought it!