I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Wednesday, November 26, 2003



The reason why Mommy gave baths to Kadi and me is because we're going to Pittsburgh tomorrow morning! Jeebus H! She wanted us to be clean so we can go to Grandma's house for turkey!

Mmm, turkey. ...

Yeah, Grandma serves only the finest Honeybaked Ham turkey for our family. But is it worth being burritoed into my little cage for four and a half hours each way?

I'll get back to you on that.

In the meantime, be thankful your mommy doesn't wrap you in a towel to hide your claws (i.e., burrito) and shove you into a cage that's no bigger than you are!

Here's to hoping Kadi doesn't shit in the car on her way up north, like she did the last time we made a pilgrimage for Grandma's birthday in September!

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Turds 'n' fur

Alternate title: Cat wash

This is a bad day at Maddie's house. Mommy decided to give Kadi and me baths today. Bitch!

Luckily, she uses those pre-moistened bath cloths -- no more soaking Maddie in the sink for her! (I used to make sure that she would get just as wet as I was!). It only took her one cloth to clean up Kadi (and sadly, Kadi's ever-present fart smell never really went away. *shudder*), but it took THREE cloths to clean me up. Three! Mommy said it's because I have a big fat furry ass. Fuck you, Mommy!

It was awful. Mommy told me that I stunk, so it was bath time. Ugh! She ended up pulling out two huge turds from my mass of ass fur. Ouchie! That HURT! And then, as if I hadn't been disgraced enough, she got out the kitty brush and comb and started grooming me. She even got out the scissors and cut out a bunch of my fur clumps. Let me tell you how much I HATE it when she uses all those tools!!! Jeebus, she must've pulled out a pound of fur, and she was feeling bad because I was howling. (Of course, I howl when she uses the scissors, which never even touch my skin, so she doesn't know when I'm really hurting; thus, she keeps up the torture.)

And although now I am prettier than ever and smelling really clean, I still hate the bitch. But she has a rule in her house: only clean, well-manicured pussies at all times! 'Cause ya never know when a tomcat's gonna stop by. But in her case (like in mine and Kadi's), there ain't never gonna be no tomcats stopping by to visit her horny ass. 'Cause she's a loser. But she keeps hoping and wishing, anyway. Asshole!

Friday, November 21, 2003


Good grief, does the litter station smell like shit. Ugh! That Short Bus cat is really something -- she farts all day and poops every moment in between. And she makes more sounds on the toilet than humans do! When I poop, I do it quietly and daintily, taking time to wipe my ass on the rug to cleanse the particles from my fur. Not Short Bus -- she jumps in the box, sounds off a few blasts and then goes running.

Of course, the other night, Short Bus decided to follow in my path and drag her ass along the carpet too. She did not do it right -- I at least stop pooping before I jump out of the box, and she jumped out in mid-poop! It smelled and looked AWFUL!

Mommy, please oh please get some litter before you come home today. I know it's payday and you've needed to wait till today to spend the eight bucks (you poor-assed bitch!), but I have waited very patiently and don't wanna wait any more. Thanks, asshole! ;)

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Vampire girl

I've finally figured out Kadi's problem (other than the fact that she's dumb as rocks). Because she likes drawing blood so much, she's a vampire girl!

Yesterday, Mommy got her a little engraved pet tag for her collar -- it's a little magenta heart, just like mine. She figured that, because Kadi has a habit of bolting for the door and/or the balcony, it might help to have a collar with our phone number on it (I don't necessarily agree, because we wouldn't want her back if she left!).

So last night, before Aunt Daddy came over for lots of shots of Apple Pucker before a night of gay-bar hopping with Mommy, the female human head of the household decided to try to affix the tag to Kadi's collar. She actually tried to take the collar off, but Kadi got mad and tried to bite her. So Mommy figured, hell, it might be easier to just clip the damn tag on the collar while it was still on.

Yeah, whatever.

Mommy got nine bloody scratches on the inside of her right thigh during this process. She had to wrap gauze and adhesive tape around her thigh (and keep it there for an hour!) till the blood stopped spurting. Kadi must've hit a vein or something, 'cause in the two minutes it took Mommy to get the damn tag around the beast's neck, she had blood soaking her whole right leg ... straight into her socks!! Ugh!!!

Mommy says it's gonna be two more months till we can have the beast declawed. Shit! I think Mommy is well advised to just take a fucking pair of pliers and rip each little nail out, one by one. What do you think?!?!

Monday, November 03, 2003

Party girl

Mommy had a big apartment-warming party on Saturday. Short Bus Kadi was locked in her cage for most of it, but I was free to roam. Frankly, I was most happy hiding under the bed, but Mommy did drag me out at the end of the night to meet the late crowd.

A bunch of people locked themselves in my bedroom and smoked some really cool, sweet-smelling cigarettes. I felt woozy and happy while they were in there, and when Mommy came and got me, I was chillin' out with everyone else who'd been in the bedroom, and then we all got really hungry afterward, although Mommy wouldn't let me eat people food, and she definitely didn't get off her drunk ass long enough to feed me MY food! Bitch!

I got to see Unca Hans, Unca Paul, Unca Bryan, and my old friends Unca Rob and Aunt Dawn, who drove down from Annapolis to see me. Wow -- I haven't seen them since we lived in Pittsburgh almost two years ago! I got lots of lovin' and petting, although Aunt Daddy tried to get me to smoke a cigarette. Asshole!

Mommy did a wonderful job getting rid of all the boxes and crap that she was too lazy to take down to the basement during the past few weeks, and the house looked great. We have lots of open space to run and play, and I was on very good behavior and didn't mess up the house while the guests were here. In fact, I waited till today to drag my shitty ass across the floor, leaving two wonderfully stankin' brown streaks for Mommy to admire. But she didn't admire them -- she yelled at me! Me, her favorite daughter! Whatta BITCH! I have serious artistic talent, and she doesn't even appreciate it. Fucker!

I was disappointed that Aunt Shan wasn't able to make it to the party, but her little girl Alex is still too fragile to be around a house full of humans. But that's OK -- there will be plenty of time for me to make nice with her. I might need some more smokey treats before being nice to her, but I'm willing to give it some consideration. ;) I know Mommy was disappointed not to see Aunt Shan, but otherwise, she had everybody she loves (minus Grandma and Grampy, of course!) in her house at one time, and I know that made her happy.

I hope Mommy cooks me one of those fabulous-looking chicken shish-kabobs that Aunt Daddy made for the party -- they look de-lish! I think they will help me to poop some more so that I can create more kitty artwork on the off-white carpet. :)

I do have to say, though, that Mommy is a dumb bitch because she spent a lot of money on food (most of which she was too lazy to cook for her beloved guests!) and she doesn't have quite enough money for rent. What a fucking moron! Who would have a housewarming when they can't afford the house to have it in? Asshole!!!