I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Go to Wal-Mart, bitch!

Mommy just gets so incredibly frustrated with me because I wipe my ass on the rugs. But the litterbox has just been so nauseatingly bad lately -- the shit piles up for two days, then she takes out the metric ton of used litter and doesn't put any more in Pooh Corner. With litter levels so low, I feel I have to show my disgust by wiping my ass on the floor. I need some fresh litter, damn it!!!

But lately, I have been doing it in more creative patterns that catch Mommy's attention. I have great plans to have "Go to Wal-Mart, bitch!" engraved in the carpet by the time she wakes up tomorrow. ...

Monday, August 23, 2004

Hey, it's MY space

Mommy asked me to make a post here about her for all of the people who have been e-mailing and asking what's up. I refuse to tolerate any more of this behavior from her after today -- this is MY little space on the Web and it's for MY shit only!

But she's OK. She was able to resign and she did. Whew! She will finish up her last amounts of work and train her staff in the next two weeks.

As far as a new blog, well, she will only do it if the demand is there. And no, the old site is not coming back ever, nor will she EVER talk about work (even if, admittedly, there was some funny shit there!). E-mail her at goddessdawn AT gmail DOT com and ask her to reinvent herself so that she ain't squattin' here in the litterbox with me anymore!

If you're so inclined, there are links to PayPal and Amazon so that you can make donations to my Treat Fund -- just 'cause the bitch is unemployed shouldn't mean I have to starve my furry little ass off! :) < / shameless plug for food >

What will we do? Well, Mommy is planning to sell sex toys, so if you like toys and lube, e-mail her and support her new business! And she's also doing freelance writing, so HIRE HER PLEASE!!!

She's reading up on you JournalCon attendees and asked me to tell you that she is very glad you all made it home safely.

In any event, my paws are tired of typing so I'll be signing off for now. But if you want to bookmark this site, I promise to return to my regularly scheduled cuteness with the next entry!

Sunday, August 22, 2004

'Bout time she got back!

Mommy said she had lots of fun at Journal Con this weekend!

All I know is that the bitch wasn't here all fucking weekend and that I was very, very hungry by the time she dragged her tired ass home after midnight each night.

I just wanna welcome y'all to my site -- I know, you came here expecting to see something else, but it's gone *poof* (not like I go *poop* -- that is a very different and much more gratifying experience). She enjoyed meeting everyone, and if she missed you, well then she's a big poopy-head who should have said hello on my behalf!

All in all, I understand she had way too many cocktails, not enough sleep and can't drive or park worth a shit. Hence the parking ticket on the coffee table and a very queasy Uncle Pratt, who had the horror ride of his life when she took him to Union Station via driving-through-oncoming-traffic on Vermont Avenue! Now he sees what I go through in my little cage in the backseat when we go to the vet and I go flying when she makes U-turns!!!

Friday, August 20, 2004


Where's my mommy? She's missing! If you've come to this site looking for her, well, she's taking a hiatus and asked me to nicely nuzzle you until she figures out when/if she's coming back.

In the meantime, please enjoy some regularly scheduled cuteness, courtesy of moi. ...

Monday, August 16, 2004

BBQ at Maddie's!

Mommy had a cookout, and despite her threats, she did not stick an apple in my mouth and roast my fat ass on a spit. Bitch!

She didn't roast my sister Kadi either. Damn!

She locked off the bedroom so guests couldn't see how she cleans -- the rest of the house got a 'ho bath, as she called it -- it looked clean but was not appropriate for a white-glove test. How the living/dining area even got clean is 'cause she threw all her miscellaneous shit into the bedroom.

I was hiding under the bed when she pulled me out by my tail. Ow, that hurt! Stupid bitch. She wanted me to come out and be social and also to have access to my food and the litter in Pooh Corner should I have felt like taking a shit.

I showed her -- as soon as she dropped me into the dining area for all of her hungry guests to admire as they ate pretty appetizers that she'd made, I hightailed it for Pooh Corner and took a nice, whopping shit. But for once, I covered up my steamy poop -- you know, it was for the guests' benefit, for them to think I am a well-mannered and dainty pussy. I spent the remainder of the fiesta hiding behind the toilet and in the tub. Everyone came in and talked to me while they peed out the metric ton of alcohol they were slurping all day. What is WITH people who talk while they go potty? Isn't it rude to speak whilst voiding one's bladder?

When everyone left, I came out to hunt for my bowl, which Mommy quickly filled with our fabulous Purina goodness. And I took another shit (the fourth that day!), and to punish Mommy for making me put up with her stupid friends, I did not cover my wet load this time. But I did wipe my ass ... on her brand-new living room rug. Hah! Oh, the joys I behold in my little furry life. ...

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Short Bus: all aboard!

Holy shit, did Kadi scare the living shit outta me and Mommy the other night!

I was enjoying a long evening's nap when we heard a big ole CRASH at 4 a.m. on the fucking nose. What happened, you ask? Well, Mommy jolted awake, and she was convinced someone had broken into our humble apartment. But she waited for a moment and yelled, "Kadi!" and then we heard her yelp and go zooming out of the bedroom. Yep, it was Kadi. Like there could ever be any doubt.

Mommy has this shelf that she put up in our bedroom, and it is loaded with glass candleholders, photo frames and potpourri and shit like that. This shelf has been up for more than a year, and Kadi never once bothered it. Till now. I guess she wanted to see what was up there, and the crack of dawn must have seemed like as good a time as any. Well, the shelf could not sustain her, so it collapsed and the hardware came outta the wall. Every single piece of glass hit the floor.

But the funny thing is, nothing got broken except a lamp that got hit by flying potpourri vases. Mommy is a lazy fat ass and never does laundry (she buys clothes all the time instead of washing the dirty ones). Anyway, every single knickknack landed on her massive (and growing) pile of clothes to be washed. And yes, that means she got potpourri in lots of pairs of her sleazy underpants. And I was happy because I just love to munch on those dried flower chips -- my shit has been especially colorful and fragrant as a result of the unexpected snacks!

Oh, and the bitch never did put the shelf back up. Does she think it looks good lying in the middle of the floor? And in perfect irony, Kadi has absolutely no interest in being on the shelf now that it's on the floor and she can't get hurt if she would jump on it!