I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

I crap on a carpet

I shit in the living room during the wee hours last night. Mommy always stumbles outta bed and to the computer because she works from home in the mornings, and today, she was practically throwing up in her mouth at the fragrance.

But I'd HIDDEN my poop! She had NO IDEA where it was! It was like an Easter egg hunt for excrement!

She scrubbed the shit streaks out of the carpet, thinking that might have been emanating the offensive odor. Nope, that didn't do it. She sprayed Febreze. Nothin'. She lit incense, for cryin' out loud -- and even THAT didn't mask the stench!

Alas, though, she went on the hunt for the offensive scent, and she found out that I'd crapped beside the big black entertainment center, where my droppings sort of blended into the background.

This was fun! It's like Easter in October!

Sunday, October 16, 2005


I don't know who's dumber -- Kadi for throwing all her toys off the balcony this morning or Mommy for actually thinking she'd KEEP them from going flying onto our downstairs neighbor's porch!

On behalf of these fools, I should go apologize for the stuff in the guy's planters, as apparently Mommy isn't going to retrieve the toys because she's sick of cleaning up after us anyway.

Mommy brought a tomcat home last night, incidentally. I had just peed on the carpet right before they walked in. She was NOT happy with me -- apparently I am a total buzzkill. Heh. Like I'd lose any sleep over THAT. ;)

Friday, October 07, 2005

My favorite word

It's too bad Mommy won't set up an audioblog function over here, because I talk. Not much, really. There's only one word I love to say, and that is "asshole."

How that came about was simple, really. Mommy and her roommates needed a way to really vocalize how they felt about each other, so when I would waddle into a room, they would project their voices as if I were the one saying, "ASSHOLE!"

And the thing is, it stuck -- "ASSHOLE!" became my battle cry. Whenever they were mad at each other, I called them assholes. Whenever I was mad at THEM, I would say, "Asshole!"

I must add that I am a Southern belle -- my dialect is more of a deep-South accent. Like, it just sounds glamorous and divine when I call you an ass-HOLE.

Now, when Mommy's in traffic, she uses my word and in MY voice, too. One time, Auntie Tiff was driving behind Mommy when someone cut Mommy off. Five minutes later, Mommy's phone rang, only for her to hear Auntie Tiff laughing hysterically because she watched Mommy's lips in her rearview mirror, yelling, "ASSHOLE!" at the, well, asshole. ;) And Tiff knew Mommy had used my voice -- it was like I was on the highway with them!

Anyway, I think it's high time I showed you MY asshole (warning: shit stain ahead!) -- this was me this morning, before Mommy cleaned me up. And believe me, I had a name for HER when she washed my ass, and I'll bet you know what it is! ;)

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

The great outdoors

Mommy gets frustrated when I wipe my ass all over the carpet after I poop, as I will allow neither my ass nor my paws to touch the kitteh litter. On occasion, I poop in the box, but I will NEVER cover it up. Likewise, whether I poop in the box or on the floor, I always choose to wipe my butt on the floors. Or the walls. Whichever is handier. ;)

As I have been gettin' pretty tired of getting YELLED AT for practicing some personal fucking hygiene (instead of wiping my ass on her clothes -- which, in fact, I've DONE), I waddled my shit-filled crack outside onto our deck and wiped my butt on the concrete.

And all I have to say is OUCH, MOTHERFUCKER that HURT!!!

Mommy noticed a line of demarcation on the porch one day, as she was on the phone and Kadi was on one side of the line and I was on the other. I thought it had worked pretty well, actually, but the shit smell made Mommy sick, so that got cleaned up REAL fast. Not to mention, but she gave me a BATH and really scrubbed my butt to take care of any residual poop and, well, cement in my ass.

Oh, the humanity.

The day was captured on film. Don't worry, she didn't photograph the shit streak on the concrete -- she only got us pretty girls, just hangin' around: