I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Crappy Bunny

Subtitle: How Maddie left Alexandria

We moved. We lived. Oh, the drama.

Kadi's first trauma

This was Kadi's first move, and she was terrorized. I was all, "Jesus Christ, Mommy -- AGAIN?!?! Why are you torturing me?"

While Mommy's peeps were taking all of our stuff to the curb, kitty hi-jinx ensued. Unfortunately, that meant the evil bitch Mommy decided to cage our asses and throw us in the car for the duration of the move out. And THEN she parked our caged asses on the balcony during the move in! We couldn't get underfoot anymore or go ripping out of the house and wandering the building. Asshole, takin' away our freedom!

Mommy freed us after the guys left -- our boy Rob noted that I was eyeballing him rather viciously, which I was 'cause he called me FAT and asked what Mommy feeds me, so he just waved goodbye to us. I shot him the paw.

In the meantime, Kadi has been hissing and growling at everything. Like, lamps. I'm serious -- I know she's out of her element, but other than the new TV that arrived today (that's sittin' on the floor 'cause Mommy's a dumbass and didn't buy the right size for the entertainment center. Asshole!), there's pretty little that should be unfamiliar to her.

Then again, this is the cat who picks fights with vacuum cleaners, so I'm not surprised.

Another new house!

I'm over this moving shit -- in my 10 years, we lived in three places in Pittsburgh, two in Alexandria and now one in D.C. Six fucking moves! Christ! Woman, are you trying to KILL me?!?!?

This one, though, is the nicest one of all. I simply cannot WAIT to christen the new carpet with its very first shit streak, although Mommy did pull a poop clump out of my ass when I jumped on her new white bedding and she noted that I stunk more than usual. Bitch.

Almost forgotten!

I have to tell a story first. Mommy always lets us girls hang out on the balcony. On Thursday night at the old house, around 2 a.m., she yelled for us to come in. But she didn't do her usual thorough tail check.

Kadi came right inside when she was called (suck-up), so Mommy let her in. But here's the deal. Around 4:30 a.m., after no sleep, Mommy was hauling her pillows to the car when she heard frantic, familiar meowing. FROM ME!

I'd found a new hiding place -- the utility room that's only accessible from the porch. And yes, I was being bratty and didn't come when I was called. I never do! So, I was locked out for two hours. Mommy coulda kicked my dirty, furry ass.

But, I didn't learn my lesson.

When I sauntered out of my carrier at the new place, the first thing I did was try to open the storage-room door that's on the new porch. But guess what that 'ho had done? She'd duct-taped it shut, just in case I would find out how to open the new door like I did the old one. I was foiled!

Anyway, we are enjoying the labyrinth o'boxes. The floors are way too clean, though, so Kadi has kicked litter all over the kitchen and I've personalized the place in my own ways, too.

Crappy Bunny

Lest I not leave one last mark on the old house, Mommy was going to bring with us our little rug with Happy Bunny on it that had been parked in our old Pooh Corner. It says "It's all about me." Because, duh, it is!

While the guys were finishing up the move, Mommy was on her knees, crawling around trying to clean up Pooh Corner. Whereupon she knelt on the rug and promptly squashed a big round turd. The guys acted like they didn't notice, but Mommy smelled like my ass. Hahahaaaaaaaaaaa.

It reminded her of this guy Mark who lived on her and Unca Janna's floor during their freshman year of college. On his last day in the dorms, he announced that he had to go take his "last ceremonial dump before (he left) this shithole."

Heh -- I'm sure he'd die to know that's how they remember him, but alas, that's how Maddie skidded out of Alexandria.


At 5:55 PM, Blogger Miss Sassy said...

YEAH!! You moved!!! And successfully!!!

I would have clawed any man that called me fat, but I understand being stuck in the cage.

Go sneak up behind Kadi and pounce her - it should scare the shit out of her (if shes really that freaked out already!) and you could get the christening started!


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