Caterwauling

Sabre turned me on to an amazing blog last night and, in particular, a series on Terrible Bargains.

I want so desperately to digest it and come up with a coherent post of my own. And I’m sure I will post about it eventually, although I wouldn’t go out on a limb and promise it’ll be coherent.

The terrible bargains we make every day in the name of keeping the peace — but in accepting it when others demean us as individuals or as a group considered to be lower-class because we are of a particular gender, body size, color, belief system, etc. (even if you claim we personally are the exception to whatever rule you’ve come up with) — are what corrode our sense of identity. It’s an amazing read and I encourage you to visit the links provided.

This hits home for me because I’ve found myself being on the snarky end of comment-making lately. I try so hard to be a good steward and stand up for what I believe in. And yet, when I see another woman absolutely disgracing what the rest of us have worked so hard for, I get good and frothy mad.

I’m aware that I’ve been generating some bad karma because of this anger and disappointment. And I realize that at least I’m human that I recognize and regret the way I react, but most others probably wouldn’t.

And the reason why I never try to pick on someone who might be calling that kind of attention to themselves so as to attract buzz, well, is because I’ve been the butt of one too many jokes — whether I was in the room to hear them or not — and it pisses me right the fuck off how people feel the need to raise themselves up by putting down someone else.

There was a great line in the first blog post I linked to, “Swallow shit, or ruin the entire afternoon?”

In other words, stand up and call someone out on their narrow-minded meanness, or suck it up and not make waves? Have an uncomfortable series of moments in silence, or risk turning it into a useless battle and — in my estimation — painting the target on your back for future bullshit?

I found myself in this situation when somebody I thought better of made an absolutely ignorant, racist comment. I asked if I’d heard it right. And then I declared I was so very done with that person. Loudly.

Even though I was completely in the right, I find myself feeling sorry for that person. And in a way, almost trying to excuse their stupidity as them not knowing any better.

And speaking up, which I am absolutely fine with because I’m happy to school people when they need it, made for a lot of discomfort on my part in having to deal with that person again. Like, wondering if they were mad at me and how that would impact me.

And that’s such a small example. I get into less trouble when I focus my ponderings on myself, so I’ll take the “swallow shit” thing back and tell you it tastes like ass. How many times we should say something and don’t. How many times we just need to get out of the line of sight of someone looking to pick a fight. How often we just need for a discussion to just end already before we lose the composure we fight so hard to maintain.

How often we just want to pop someone in the jaw because they so very righteously deserve it but we’re the ones who’d get into trouble for “over-reacting” to “an innocent observation.”

The comments on those posts are fascinating, too. The amount of anger and self-defensiveness on the part of those whose iddy biddy widdle feelings are hurt because they’ve been called out pretty much says it all. My friends and I have always been in agreement that those who are paranoid and defensive (and offensive) are those who are aware that they’re being shady and that’s why they are always ready to attack — anything to weaken the enemy even before they are established as an enemy.

We’re not the enemy, people. You making us into the enemy DOES NOT make us the enemy. And then when our own reaction is mistrust until proven otherwise, we’re written off as deserving of whatever you say about us.

Oh, I don’t have a personal stake in this discussion. Not at all.

More to come, I’m sure. …

As I was driving home, I had a choice between buying smokes or buying dinner for Mommy.

Mommy got fed. And I’m climbing the walls.

It’s not that I like smoking. I hate everything about it. But I do it as a measure of control — normally on nights like tonight when I find myself feeling so bitter, I could just die.

I was mostly irritated that I got an e-mail from Mom, asking if I could buy her a lamp, when I’ve dumped well-upward of a grand on her rent and bills this month (not including food) and I’m down to nothing and I couldn’t take care of all of MY bills this month.

I am doing far too well on paper to be stretched this thin. It’s really fucking irritating. I deserve a new car or a trip to France. But I had to have my freedom. It’s my own fault. It’s always my fault.

Anyway, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” is on, and it’s the only thing making me happy. Except … I find myself feeling like Sally — hanging around waiting for that stupid Linus to get a clue.

I often pine for D.C. It’s a daily thing. I thought I was so happy there. But even if I wasn’t, I had reached a level of peace about it.

But apparently the premonition I had a month ago came true.

And while I’ve been entangled with enough unavailable men in my day to not believe everything I hear, I wonder if I’d still be sitting in that same stupid pumpkin patch — just like Sally — for absolutely nothing, had I stayed.

I’m sad to say, because of that mini-revelation, I’ve never been so happy to be in Florida.

And if that’s what it had to take, then so be it.

Sally, don’t stay in the pumpkin patch all night. You’re not getting any younger.

If Linus doesn’t love you the way you love him, let him settle for waiting for the Great Pumpkin, instead of the other way around. …

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Today didn’t suck. *squee!*

Well, OK, maybe it almost did when I was driving home a half-hour ago and accidentally ran a red light and a turning truck almost made mincemeat out of me; that would definitely have sucked.

The bright side?

Good thing I didn’t spend three grand on fixing the car (yay for not having it!), only to put it in harm’s way. THAT would be my luck.

What is it with me and that car? Seriously! And I’d just downed a whole ton of Starbucks and Diet Mountain Dew to keep me awake during some worky stuff tonight.

Caffeine FAIL, but Jesus loving and protecting me WIN.

This weekend, I entered a contest to win a new car. God willing, may I get it. Lord knows with my credit score, my payment would be about eleventy billion a month if I bought it new.

I’ve never wanted/hoped for anything contest-related in my life. I mean, sure, I want the winning lottery ticket. But that would mean having to, you know, BUY ONE and all.

So I thought I’d join another Meetup group, after the failure that my one foray into Meetup in South Florida turned out to be. (Who knew that plastic surgery qualifies you into admission for a singles group aimed at 35-year-olds? You’re still NOT 35!!!)

Anyway, I remember some asshole at that event not paying the tip on our shared tab. I remember him because when I joined the new group (which promised to be a younger demographic. Hah), he sent me an e-mail to REMIND ME who he was and to say he’d hoped to invite me to something else but I’d vanished and was never heard from again.

Until now.

FUCK! I hate small towns.

Escape

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

We have a saying in my world, that we need to take time to get “back to neutral.” That time is usually no longer than a few minutes or hours, but you take it when you can get it, and you maximize it.

I spent an hour at the beach today, and it was lovely. I spent an hour by the pool yesterday, and it was almost as good. At the pool, there was a very large bearded dragon lounging next to me. Kind of freaky, but he was harmless. I guess he crawled out of the Intracoastal and wanted to get a tan. He was the only one there and he didn’t talk, so he was welcome in my space.

I’ve been crabby of the highest drown-me-in-drawn-butter caliber the past few days. Mostly about money and all the bills I have to pay, particularly those that aren’t mine. I’m mad that because I didn’t make time to see my mother all week, she didn’t eat. There is always something in my fridge, even if it’s just cereal and yogurt, so this self-punishment by starvation shit bores me to tears.

She said something to me after church today, when I wanted to go have someone pray for me and she refused to come along (and I decided to say fuck it and leave because the only person who needs a prayer more than I do is her), she said she wasn’t going to come to church with me anymore. OMG, drama. But she did say something interesting, which is that she’s no good for me. Which is pretty true right now; I ain’t arguing. It’s hard to keep it together for two of us.

And this is why I need church. To remind me to stop thinking about all the money I’m not saving, to forget about all the free time I don’t have, and think bigger. To remember that this life is all I have and I can either worry it away or find the good things and hold on tightly. That there are people SO much worse-off than me and I need to be doing something to help them. That my impact on this world has yet to be begun and I’m not leaving this place without rocking the globe off its axis in one way or another.

It’s funny how just an hour and a half of amazing worship can tilt me back into the right direction. Imagine if I made time for Sunday night worship or other school-night events like feeding the homeless and other projects my church does.

I hold myself back from committing to anything because I don’t want to be a no-show. But I really feel like my calling is to volunteer in my community through my church. I’ve also held back because it’s kind of clique-ish. At my old church, you could not get through the door without all the pastors zeroing on the fresh blood. I’ve been going to the new church for months, and not a soul has noticed my presence. But that just means I have to make myself stand out and, unlike at my old church, here I am ready to do so.

And in that, I feel I won’t get too far from neutral, or at least I’ll have more than just a prayer of snapping back to it much-more often. And maybe I won’t leave that state once I feel like I’m doing the right thing, whatever that might be.