Living as if

I’ve been trying to “live as if,” as some of the spiritual leader-types call it, although if they were grammatically correct about it, it would be “living as though.”

Anyway, they say that when you’re trying to attract a soulmate, you’ve got to do a whole bunch of rituals and shit like that, but you also must change your life and live “as if” someone special were already in it.

This means having space in your closet for him (he can have the guest-room closet, thanks), and turning that Lean-Cuisine-for-one dinner into a candlelit place setting for two.

I tried all that stuff years ago, and guess who I got? My mother. The universe can kindly go fuck itself now, gracias.

I just deep-sixed a post about my expensive automotive adventures today (I walked away with mind-blowing estimates and not a damn thing fixed) that led into “well I could have gotten some of them fixed if I didn’t have a pile of her rent and bills to pay today.”

I don’t want to get bitter. I really don’t. But if this were a romantic relationship, I would have awakened today and broken up with the guy — kicked his ass out of bed and informed him that breakfast will be at McDonald’s and kindly keep on going. And then I’d be able to stop hiding my (albeit small) purchases like the occasional shirt or cupcake or something because I didn’t buy two of them.

But by virtue of her giving me the gift of so-called life, it’s pretty hard to live as though my obligation to her will ever allow room in my heart (or wallet) for much else.

I will transcend this period of my life. I’ll talk to my soulmate as though he were here. I’ll look at my bank account as though it were five times its size. I’ll treat my rattling deathtrap of a car as though it were a brand-new BMW. And I will thank God for the soulmate that Mom meets who will be a millionaire who takes care of her and allows me the strength to manage and enjoy my own life.

*deep breaths* I am happy. I am happy. I am happy. …

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