Caterwauling

I’ve been trying to “live as if,” as some of the spiritual leader-types call it, although if they were grammatically correct about it, it would be “living as though.”

Anyway, they say that when you’re trying to attract a soulmate, you’ve got to do a whole bunch of rituals and shit like that, but you also must change your life and live “as if” someone special were already in it.

This means having space in your closet for him (he can have the guest-room closet, thanks), and turning that Lean-Cuisine-for-one dinner into a candlelit place setting for two.

I tried all that stuff years ago, and guess who I got? My mother. The universe can kindly go fuck itself now, gracias.

I just deep-sixed a post about my expensive automotive adventures today (I walked away with mind-blowing estimates and not a damn thing fixed) that led into “well I could have gotten some of them fixed if I didn’t have a pile of her rent and bills to pay today.”

I don’t want to get bitter. I really don’t. But if this were a romantic relationship, I would have awakened today and broken up with the guy — kicked his ass out of bed and informed him that breakfast will be at McDonald’s and kindly keep on going. And then I’d be able to stop hiding my (albeit small) purchases like the occasional shirt or cupcake or something because I didn’t buy two of them.

But by virtue of her giving me the gift of so-called life, it’s pretty hard to live as though my obligation to her will ever allow room in my heart (or wallet) for much else.

I will transcend this period of my life. I’ll talk to my soulmate as though he were here. I’ll look at my bank account as though it were five times its size. I’ll treat my rattling deathtrap of a car as though it were a brand-new BMW. And I will thank God for the soulmate that Mom meets who will be a millionaire who takes care of her and allows me the strength to manage and enjoy my own life.

*deep breaths* I am happy. I am happy. I am happy. …

The universe hasn’t done a whole lot to kick my ass this week. There’s your gratitude journal entry of the year. Yay!

Other than one ongoing annoyance (OK, two), I’ll call this week a success. There are more pluses to outweigh the negatives, although it’s not hard to find two (OK, three) good things over the span of seven days!

I awoke today with an odd sense of familiarity — a shocker since I’ve still not unpacked and I’m living on bare essentials. Like, I don’t know, maybe I’m not going to move in another four months and it’s OK to feel comfortable where I am right now.

The morning was uneventful till I got a call from Maddie’s groomer — I’d called them to see if they could get the fleas out of her fur. They were unavailable at the time but I’d told them to call me in a couple of months, as I’d make sure to get her shaved regularly.

She died two days after I’d made that call, so hearing from them today threw me for a fucking loop. I walked to Starbucks to get a soy pumpkin spice latte, but I would much rather have preferred making a beer run had it not been 10 a.m. and the lunch places hadn’t yet opened.

“It was almost fine
You were almost mine
And from town to town
We chased it down
On a broken white line.

“Looking in your eyes
Was just like staring at the sun
Always thought that I’d go blind
Or end up all undone

“And in the end I turned my face away
From where you shone so bright
Now I wake in all this darkness
Crying for a little of your light.”

– Kris Delmhorst, “Broken White Line”

Other than the two reasons why I start to wonder just how fat I’d look in the orange jumpsuit I’d have to wear for the rest of my life if I acted on my impulses, I’ve been able to retreat back into my head to times when I was loved.

I thank four of my guys for that, for being good people and being good to me then and now, when I can barely strangle out a hello.

It’s not that I remember them so much as I remember me. And I’m not even going to insult them or you, for that matter, by claiming that I had my shit together when I knew any of them, either. But it puts a certain spring in a certain girl’s step to know that once her flaws were loved as quirks, her strengths were noticed and lauded, and that she even looked beautiful when they made her feel that way.

And even if that beauty was transient or even imagined, it comes back when she sees that she was important to them. Not that she defines her worth by others, but maybe that’s the problem — that her worth is no longer lauded or visible, and her beauty is hidden and diminishing behind a very heavy cloak — and it’s so good to have those who have seen her soul to force her to remember its value and, hell, its existence.

“It’s been four years and now I find
I’ve been living all this time
I built myself a little world
Of rhythm and of rhyme

“But sometimes I take your picture
And I turn it to the wall
Because you are still a cliff
And baby, I still know how to fall.”

I didn’t mean for this to get so existential. It just boggles my mind — those days when I felt I was half a person — that certain special people saw me as whole. Maybe I wasn’t in such sorry shape as I’d thought.

And now when I do feel whole, yet it feels challenged from every angle and I begin to doubt myself sometimes, I realize I just need my cheering section. And I’m glad they stepped up and realized it before I even did.

Thanks, boys. Love you all. Wish you were here. And I really do mean that.

I’ve often found that people who share a name are often similar in temperament. I won’t name names, but I’m sure you’ve never met a ____ you didn’t like, or a ____ whom you DID.

I’ve finally met the ___ who broke the winning streak of about 15 of his predecessors. Hunh. I’m shocked and, admittedly, disappointed. I have to rename the lead character in my novel series now — I had FINALLY settled on a name I figured I’d never grow to abhor!

But speaking of that name, and one who made me love it, thanks for your note. I remember you fondly as well. And while I prided myself on not playing the “if only” game after our time had passed, I woke up to hearing my iPod randomly blasting about six of “our” songs today. In a row.

And it sounds romantic and hopeless, but I stared at the ocean from my bed and transcended years of cobwebs in a heartbeat to remember you.

OK, I’ll allow myself one round of “if only”: If only I could just switch you with the one who tries to hurt me at every opportunity, life would be as close to perfect as it could ever be. …

I was hastily scribbling something in my gratitude journal today and it occurred to me that maybe I shouldn’t be doing my braindump publicly while saying all my nice things offline. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

Today I give thanks to everyone who ever gave me a nurturing environment in which to be myself and to cast fear aside in order to be myself and grow to my fullest potential. You know who you are/were. Thank you for never being abysmally disappointed in me (and for never showing it if you were), and for trusting me with big things to create even-greater things.

I’ve also started organizing my mental clutter a bit, and I realize it’s now or never when it comes to creating a space in my mind and heart (and schedule) for “someone else,” whomever he may be.

I bought a bible this weekend. I got “The Message” Bible — it’s pink because part of the proceeds go toward breast-cancer awareness — and this one is promising because I’ve never done well trying to read the traditional tome. Amazing, a book written for modern times, in a font size that my old-ass eyes can comprehend!

I’ve got nothing else tonight. Well, I DO, but its “fit for print” status remains to be seen. Glass houses and stones and shit like that, yo. As long as God loves me, I can pity everyone else who isn’t quite that smart!

Surreal

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Yesterday I spent hours waiting for FedEx to arrive with my new check card.

And unbeknownst to me, my mom was actually sitting in the lobby for three hours, watching for FedEx to arrive.

And unbeknownst to both of us, my landlady had intercepted the delivery of said check card on THURSDAY and never mentioned it. And had we not seen her in the lobby yesterday around 2 p.m., I still wouldn’t have the blasted thing.

I’ve been cigarette-free for over a week and if I can get through this crap without lighting up, I’m pretty certain I can get through anything at this point.

I just feel bad about calling my bank and screaming at them for not being able to give me tracking info on my package. I was going to dispute the rush charge because it sure as hell didn’t get to me in a rush. But it did get to my building in a rush, so I’m going to retreat now.

I take back everything bad I said about them and, officer, if someone burns down the Fallsgrove branch in Rockville, Md., it wasn’t me or any of my disciples — I promise!

I found myself with a free night last night. I done wore Mommy out so much during the day with my spending spree (we hadn’t had a proper meal in a week so I had to remedy that, followed by frolicking through Costco and other assorted stores) that I had the whole night to myself.

I actually went to a bookstore and met a nice guy. (He didn’t ask for my number, and I didn’t offer. But I would have provided it upon request.) I figure he was probably a serial killer and, upon realizing that I wouldn’t put up a fight, he decided to move on to someone who would provide more of a challenge.

However, I was a moron and was running around in a sundress all day. We’re having a “cold front” here in South Florida. It was only 80 degrees all day. People were out in sweaters and shit. I laughed.

Then I was in my strappy little dress last night and it dropped to 67 degrees. After I got a permanent case of goose bumps, I stopped laughing.

I admit, I’ve spent the last six months mentally comparing how Florida blows in comparison to D.C. Not intentionally, of course. My most-recent thought was that D.C. at least has free activities (museums, fairs, etc.) and I would have at least had something to do when I was penniless these past few days.

But I also remember traipsing around the National Mall in the rain, slush and snow. And while I remember occasionally doing so with someone to keep me warm, I have to admit that knowing the temperature won’t dip much below 70 degrees for the rest of the year is a BIG PLUS to Florida living.

I guess I’m home. Not only is it time to unpack, but definitely to unpack my fall sweaters, ’cause my blood thinned out right quick and I’m COLD, damn it!