Caterwauling

View of Singer Island

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Fell in love with two new apartments yesterday. Both are WAY more than I want to pay, but still less than what I AM paying.

Took the Houseguest to see them afterward. She’s “meh” on everything. She says to take time and really look around and think about it.

This is the view from one of the apartments. Lovely, yes?

I’m exhausted. I’m dying. I gave up two freelance jobs. I’m falling down on the job on the last one standing. I’m working my ass off at the full-time job and not getting very far.

The money savings may not be significant (ergo, she’s right, why move?). But to shave something, ANYTHING off that commute? Would save my life.

I’m so stressed out, I’ve tapped into the Freezer Klonopin. I have a bottle I shoved in there from my old Evil Empire days. Haven’t needed them for a year. Now after two solid days of chest pains, well, yeah. Old Klonopin is better than none at all.

Oh, did I mention I have to give notice to my apartment complex on Monday whether I intend to stay?

I hate moving. I hate dragging someone around town who doesn’t want to go. I hate only saving maybe $200 a month after all the aggravation.

But I also hate coming home late every night, falling asleep on the couch, waking up in a PANIC because I didn’t do my freelance work, scrambling to DO said freelance work, and then getting to the real job late. (As if arriving at 8:15 after an hour-long drive should ever be considered late.)

Something’s got to give. And at this rate, it’s going to be me…

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Goddess AdrasteiaSome Rights Reserved

I could/should have written this blog entry, instead of spinning my wheels, damn near cracking under pressure, escaping into my pretend world where none of the stress exists and otherwise avoiding everybody. Yes, you. And you, too. I’ve been running from you. And I don’t know how to find my way back…

What Happens When You Stop Running?

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Well, love, it’s been yet another year that we either haven’t met or I just haven’t figured out who you are.

New Year’s was lovely; the only thing missing was you, as it is every year. The only men at the party were married with kids … lots of hollering, energetic, hyped-up-on-sugar kids.

Each time one got injured (and there were quite a few incidents), I was magnetically drawn back to the liquor stash. When I ran out of wine, I switched to the Black Label. Oddly, I wasn’t drunk — of course, that’s because the hostess put out a feast. And one of the guests made vegan everything. Which, um, yeah. But it was tasty. Hey, I started the new year off healthily, more or less, right?

You were part of my evening, as you always are, even though you have no idea you were “there.”

I took a minute, as I always do, to slip away from the crowd and gaze at the moon and wonder what you were doing at that very moment. I wondered whether you felt my absence the same way I felt yours.

You’ll be here when the time is right, I know it. But that won’t stop me from asking the universe to put a rush order on you so we have all the time together we can.

Until then, we know I’m not the biggest fan of kids (especially not as the only unmarried and kid-free adult at a New Year’s party), but I wondered whether you like and want kids. And whether you would be enough to change my mind on the subject.

A beautiful little girl named Robin, maybe age 3 or 4, introduced herself to me. That’s my mom’s name. She was in a cute pink halter dress and kept pulling it up over her head and showing her matching underwear. Just like my own mother, probably.

I have to tell you, Soulmate, I figured I’d want a boy if I ever got hijacked into wanting to have a kid. But damn, she was cute. And if you’re anything like my grandfather (I hope you are — the best man, father and grandfather who was ever put upon this earth), a girl would be lucky to have a daddy like you.

I tried not to wonder whether you were kissing anyone at midnight. I was in the car with my friend and her two adorable boys, as we celebrated “false midnight” at 11. And I wondered whether you were aware enough of my own absence in your life to feel that same twinge of “Where is she right now?”

I’m happy with how my year started off. I just hope that maybe, finally, possibly, I’ll get to spend this coming New Year’s Eve with you. And as many of the days, weeks and months until then that the universe allows us to have together.

This is our year. I feel it. I know you do too.

Yours forever when you find me (please find me soon),

Goddess

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Goddess AdrasteiaSome Rights Reserved

Brownie and me

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Let me preface this entry by saying that I haven’t seen my favorite guy in a week, and I’ve managed to question everything. Because, that’s what I do. And to say I’m frustrated is a bit of an understatement at this point, not with him but with my inability to just BE already.

So right now, I am dog-sitting this lovable pup. She barks a lot, although not as much as most dogs, and she drives the cat crazy. Which drives my mom crazy. And when Princess is crazy, I’M crazy.

I got invitations for New Year’s Eve and Day, which was awesome. (Not from the guy … you see why I’ve gone all paranoid, yes?) But I always have to build in time for Princess, so I will probably say no to something.

Of course, I got the guilt trip that “We need to go out Friday night because you have plans the rest of the weekend, and I don’t get out of the house unless you take me, and you’re always busy and you don’t ever have any time to look at me, and if I lose out on Friday I will be stuck in the house for a whole ‘nother week WITHOUT ANY FOOD.”

Hand to God on everything I ever say that comes out of her mouth!

So I thought my friend was picking up the dog today. But we’ll have another day together as far as I know. Which drives my mom crazier still, how WE DON’T PLAN SHIT.

You know what … friends help each other. This friend is off having a wonderful adventure. And I know she would be the very first one to come look in on my mom when I get a hot date who whisks me out of town.

So, the problem is WHAT exactly here?

I know mom is sick, and some days are worse than others. Today is a “worse” day. I don’t begrudge her being sick. What I do begrudge is coming home to this barrel of sunshine who’s resentful toward me because of ALL I PUT HER THROUGH.

You know, the dog (or any pet I’ve ever brought in here because I happen to like having the extra critters in the house) DIDN’T MOVE IN HERE FIVE YEARS AGO AND STAY RENT-FUCKING-FREE EVER SINCE.

Just sayin’.

So, I love my apartment and we know I have to give it up soon. It kills me … five years ago I had the cutest apartment in Maryland that I had JUST MOVED INTO. Then I inherited mom and had to take a way-less-cute place so I could accommodate her.

And it feels like history repeating, you know? To keep affording this home life that brings me so little joy anymore, I have to give up my private beach and my Intracoastal Waterway DIRECTLY UNDER MY BALCONY so I can support us better.

It’s necessary, but it’s heartbreaking all over again. I know a couple of guys who have downgraded to cheaper places recently so they can save up for retirement, for an engagement ring, for a life with someone special.

Now THAT’S a reason to move. Not … this.

But I need to find my grace and suck it up. Even though I know she’s going to BITCH AND MOAN the whole time that I am inconveniencing her and taking her out of her comfort zone.

Speaking of where I came from, I’m feeling hella homesick lately. For Virginia, mostly, and the people I knew there. Mostly for the life I should have built while I was there … before the workaholism set in and I destroyed through neglect every friendship, relationship and anything that could have been a potential SOMETHING.

I had lunch with a gal at work yesterday. She’s a couple of years older than me and was asking my experience with dating sites. I said I always get lots of replies but I never write back to them. Usually they figure they won’t get a response so they don’t bother being clever, and I don’t care to talk to someone who doesn’t take the time to BE clever.

And besides, after the rejection I’ve faced over coming with my own personalized baggage named Mom — or, hell, maybe I was the one who pushed them away first — I don’t really put myself out there anymore. And I haven’t in a very long time.

Which is why it’s easy to be coy and cautious with the new guy. I FORGET HOW TO DO THIS, PEOPLE!!!

She said, well, don’t you want the happily ever after? I said I would be happy with some good dates that lead to a functional relationship. I can’t even think about the kids and the ring and the what-the-fuck-ever that she was alluding to.

It’s sad how many dates and dreams and outings and such that I’ve felt compelled to give up. Not that I was ever really swimming with them in the first place.

And not that she’d WANT me to give up a chance for love and happiness — she’s not like that at all. But … the fact that she “reserves” me — which I HATE — pretty much reminds me that I will pay for it one way or another if I dare to do something else. And don’t even THINK I do anything by myself. That, she just finds insulting.

God, I hate myself for complaining so much. My date Sam Adams is loosening up my tongue (er, typing fingers) a little more than I anticipated.

Oh well, I keep praying for success at work. And when my friend re-enters the picture (and he will. I am NOT letting go of the one thing that has made me so happy these last three weeks), I have a lot to look forward to.

And somehow, it will make everything else OK, like nothing else has or ever could. …

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Goddess AdrasteiaSome Rights Reserved

My balcony *aaahhhh*

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Ever burn the candle at both ends and end up with your ass on fire? That’s about the status quo here these days. Goddess is burned out.

It’s been a mostly quiet week. I got the notice that the market rent on this dump is going up into the two grand area. *hahahahahaaa* So, it’s time to move somewhere I’ll love less but that I can afford.

The person I abhor second-most in this world tried to contact me yesterday. Until there is a check (for two grand-ish — hey, I know .. that’s RENT!) and a BIG FAT APOLOGY coming my way, that person can lose my number. Or at least be standing in the street when the Karma bus loses its brakes.

I told my mom the other day that I want to be a DINK — Double Income, No Kids. She said, “Well, you have two jobs — you got your wish!” Grrrrrr. How about me not being the only asshole who works and drives and works and drives and volunteers and is BURNED RIGHT THE FUCK OUT?

I cannot sustain this pace. And by saying that, it almost sounds like I’m actually keeping up.

Not so much.

I’m doggie-sitting right now and playing referee between her and my very annoyed cat. But at least that’s fun, you know? My eyes aren’t burned-out sunken holes in my skull from staring at a computer, trying to make sense of stuff that takes forever to make sense to me.

I often wonder why I stay in my field when I find it so boring, most days. It’s the people, I guess. It always has been.

Oh, hey, the dog is eating the cat’s food. And another day begins…

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Goddess AdrasteiaSome Rights Reserved