Caterwauling

Photo says it all. Ask and ye shall receive … a big, fat pimp-slap.

A friend sent me this awesome blog post, on how advertisers should be licensed.

And while I HEARTILY agree with the post on principle, this part was what really reminded my friend of me. …

“I wish I could make this angrier, but the only way to do that is start typing “DAMNIT DAMNIT FUCK” for several pages. I say typing because copy-pasting doesn’t release the fury I feel right now.”

Wednesday is fired. In case that wasn’t clear. And Thursday’s not looking very safe right now, either.

South Florida Fair, Royal Palm Beach

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

What a melancholy little day. Could be the cubic foot of rain that’s descending upon the Palm Beaches. But whatever the symptom, it’s merely a cover-up for the cause.

A friend and I were just discussing how life’s lessons have to be expensive. What, is it that we won’t remember them if we aren’t paying dearly, whether out-of-pocket or with our souls? (Or both?)

Even though we have a lot to complain about, we know we have a lot for which to be thankful. It’s just, gah, why does it feel like we’re always paying not just for our own decisions/mistakes, but everyone else’s as well?

We do our damndest to keep up the smiles and the spirits. But on days like today when the cloud cover is gray and heavy, it’s too much to put a cork in it.

I dunno. I guess we all move forward not just with the best of intentions, but also with great expectation. You buy the house that’s just outside of your price range because your income will “grow into” it. You hide your neuroses and your teddy bears to show that awesome new guy that you’re not crazy — honest!

And once your sea legs stop wobbling so damn much, you get ready to take a few steps unassisted. But you just assume that there will still be ground to walk upon and that you’re not at the end of some metaphorical plank, ready to go swim with the fishies because you thought you were on “Gilligan’s Island” but it’s really an episode of “The Sopranos.”

But it’s the little things. The promise of a new tomorrow. The knowledge that karma owes you three times’ worth of good things than the bad things it’s given you so far. The possibility of living the dream, just as soon as you identify it. The sparkle in that boy’s eyes when he sees you next.

The world wants to take all of that away. And I’m not going to let it. It’s already taken away enough.

The game is on, my friends.

Midnight on the Intracoastal

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

“My, my, my it’s a beautiful world
I like driving in my car
Roll the top down, sometimes i travel quite far
Travel to the ocean and stare up at the stars
i like driving in my car.”

– Colin Hay, “Beautiful World”

(Serious hat-tip to Chris for turning me on to this song!)

As far as weekends go, this one has been mostly top-notch. Friday was exquisite, yesterday brought celebrating a dear friend’s birthday … in person! And today, well, I think I came close to getting a date.

So … win?

There’s this cute guy at church. I mean, my type. What is my type? Well, breathing, for starters. We could end the list there but luckily, I don’t have to. Jet-black hair and piercing blue eyes. Looks good, smells good … yeah, that’s about all I’ve gotten so far, but in my world, he’s a keeper so far.

Anyway, I’ll save today’s story for another day, but I’ve already written it off and filed it under, “The three of us would be SO HAPPY together. Run while you can!”

I’ve all but given up on happily ever after, since my life is a package deal.

It’s not all because of the over-extended hosueguest. I admit, she’s an easy scapegoat — an almost-willing target for my frustrations that I can’t direct anywhere else.

I *should* be like, hey, I’m a hot commodity and if you want a piece of this, Mom’s part of the deal.

But I have enough “quirks” (neuroses and other shortcomings) that could be deal-breakers enough on their own. No matter how equally “quirky” anyone is whom I meet, I can’t expect anyone to be accepting of ALL the baggage I bring.

But. …

If just for a moment, please let me revel in the boy with the magnificent blue eyes. in particular, how my entire being is consumed with — I dunno — something when he is near.

That could be someone special right there. Or, not. Whichever. But I can’t remember the last time I got all hot and bothered just by standing next to someone.

And whether it’s true or not, I’d like to believe that he (or whomever) would have more reasons to stay than to run away. But do I really need to put myself through the wringer just to ultimately endure the inevitable?

Or am I so disillusioned after being disappointed by so many, that I underestimate him — and, for that matter, perhaps I’ve pre-emptively written off so many more, and for nothing?

“And still this emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets
When you’ve given up the drink
And those nasty cigarettes
Now I leave the party early, at least with no regrets
I watch the sun as it comes up, I watch it as it sets
Yeah, this is as good as it gets.”

Intracoastal sunset

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

A friend and I were just lamenting on Facebook that this year managed to squeeze in more “suck” per capita than years past.

It was an intense year all around. For me, it brought staggering highs and abysmal lows … and little in-between.

It’s been nearly a year since I set foot on a plane to make the inaugural visit to my area of Florida.

I’ve never been more happy/relaxed in my life and, alternately, I’ve never been more depressed/anxious, either.

I found that what I really missed about living in D.C. was the “meh” of it all. It wasn’t spectacular, but it didn’t suck.

I was married to the monotony of it all. And BOY did the universe give me a dose of the exact opposite!

I’ve seen unparalleled beauty (pictured). I’ve seen the ocean every day of my life. I finally got my own apartment again, and I cherish that bliss at every opportunity.

But I also lost my favorite cat, damn near killed my talent and lost a lot of innocence.

I failed to make friends in my area, but I made strong connections with people in far-flung places.

I made a respectable amount of money and pissed it all away in two sets of rent and bills.

I’ve felt trapped, and I’ve felt liberated.

I’ve trusted and was rewarded. I’ve also trusted and learned the definition of disillusionment.

I learned that some people will never be on your side, no matter what you do. And I also learned that some people will always be your biggest fans, even when you think they’ve long forgotten about you.

I’ve desperately missed what “once was.” And I’ve thanked my lucky stars to be as far away as possible from it, as well.

I think it’s fair to say a part of me has died, and that another part has been reborn.

And I don’t know how many of my “nine lives” I have left, but the next one I’m working on is filled with faith and expectation.

Even-numbered years are always my best ones. I had declared 2008 to be “my” year, and it rocked on a lot of levels. Thus, I’m declaring 2010 the “Year of the Goddess.” Because, it’s time.

See you on the other side.

Magic Kingdom Entrance

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Hope everyone had a merry little Christmas. I actually did. It’s just coming back to reality that isn’t any fun.

Went to Christmas Eve services on Thursday — magnificent is all I gotta say. If I had to narrow down the best thing about my Florida adventure, it’s got to be my church.

My pastor said a lot of great things, but the most interesting of the night was that he said that people with anxiety and fear really miss out on the best things in life. Once you let it go and truly believe that God is in control, you won’t be so wary of everything that is/can go wrong.

And boy, does that describe me to a T. But as a friend recently pointed out to me, when the worst happens — and it has, in fact, happened — well, it’s not the end of the world. In fact, now that a particular worry has gone away, the goal is not to pick up another one in its place.

So, speaking of letting go of my troubles, if only for another day. …

I spent the Christmas without Mom but with a wonderful family — had a day filled with good conversation, good food and very good kids. I absolutely fell in love with all of them. We hung out in their gorgeous new house, took a walk to the nearby marina, and otherwise just had a perfectly lovely Christmas.

I became best buds with the 7-year-old and the 3-year-old (so cute and well-behaved and very gracious — if you could promise me that my kids would turn out like that, I’d have children in a heartbeat). The baby wasn’t having much to do with me, but that’s OK.

The day went swimmingly, with one of my friends commenting twice how good with kids he thought I was. Hah. Well, his were polite and quiet and said “thank you” for the slightest gift or kindness extended to them, so they were easy.

The only real bump in the road was when the 7-year-old expressed that she felt terrible that I had brought gifts for her but that she didn’t have anything for me. So, she was hopeful when she asked what Santa had given me.

And dumbass didn’t think before saying that I didn’t get a visit from Santa this year. Yee-ikes. Way to make a kid nearly cry.

I explained that I’ve moved twice in the last year and my last known address on file for Santa is in Washington, D.C., and I’m SURE that my gifts will get forwarded, or else Santa will just be doubly good to me next year.

I’m counting on the “doubly good to me next year” since getting one present would, in effect, double the goose egg I got this year.

Oddly enough, Kadie pooped on the carpet and rubbed a Maddie-esque shit streak on it on Christmas. I think Maddie told her to do it so that I’d remember her. Like I could ever forget. …

2009 was not my best year. It was a failure on many epic levels and deserves to be skewered over an open pit.

This year brought a lot of very-expensive lessons. But I’m a lot smarter than I was 12 months ago.

And I’m going to be a hell of a lot smarter 12 months from now, too.

It also brought a lot of good, too. And that’s all I’m planning to take into 2010.