Caterwauling

I overheard some guy two cubes over on the phone with an employee we (rightfully) booted to the curb. Guess Moody McMoodalicious is a contractor now.

Reminded me of Ye Olde Employment Establishment, where we tossed the a-hole who was sexually harassing his subordinates, but rehired him (and probably at a higher salary) to do his job from home. Or when we marched the two supervisors from the back hallway who ran off every employee by their one-year anniversary to the door and changed the locks … only to have them form their own company and we paid them millions more.

Basically, it’s good to see the similarities between the companies don’t end. Glad I ended up on the teams that leave the whiny, trouble-making, NOT THAT TALENTED a-holes right on the curb where we left them.

Because I didn’t have enough health problems this year, I stopped in at the dentist yesterday to get an impression for my crown (although I think a tiara is more befitting of a Goddess) and they decided to do a full-on exam.

Three hours later (sigh) I had a proposed bill for four grand and a toothache from all the poking and prodding.

Here’s the thing. Every new job I get, I start going to the dentist. Then I max out my spend (and ultimately my cash) and I’m screwed. And that’s where I am right now.

So then I go five years before I need emergency work, and the cycle starts anew.

Usually it’s money that ends my healthy dreams. And the last seven years, it’s having a mom who’s falling apart and I’ll be damned if I spend a dime on myself when she needs the help more. I’m trying to SAVE UP here, people.

Only, it feels different this time. My mouth is a mess. There is no more “I’ll deal with it in another five years” left on this clock.

And here I thought I was going to get to Europe this summer. Which I was already struggling with because, well, Mom. But the other end of that struggle is, “How long will I have this opportunity?”

Mostly I keep my faith in God that a miracle can arrive any day now. Or a spaceship. I’ll take either.

Mom says to just take care of me. I work, she says. I’ve earned my keep. I’ve earned my health. She says she has not.

I say I know plenty of people who don’t do a damn thing and get covered through their spouses. So, she does deserve help. But I’m barreling toward the state she’s in, which is just about too far gone to save.

Here’s to hoping it’s never too late. For any of us. For anything we desire. For anything we DESERVE.

It’s no secret around here that I’ve been trying to hire help from a very shallow and polluted talent pool.

I mentioned to my friend in Customer Care that I met two people last week who seemed to be able dress themselves. We may have a winner in this pile.

Somehow she didn’t know I was hiring and said, “Remember when HR used to send around notes that positions are available in other departments?”

I shook my head. It was before my time.

The thing is, everyone is afraid to apply not only across departments, but across the industry. That’s why I have such a shitty candidate pool.

There are great people at similar companies; we just know that our bosses all have a little “pinky swear” deal whereby they are bound by blood oath to tattle when someone expresses an interest in exploring their career options.

So, people stay until they’re so unhappy they go numb or else decide to change their skill areas or just leave the field altogether.

I remember when I “poached” someone years ago from another department. We had a bright young lady who was going to leave whether we tried to stop her or not. And I happened to have an opening that she was perfect for.

And MAYBE I had the foresight not to let her go without a fight, because I would be DAMNED if she was going to take her skills and training and aptitude elsewhere.

My boss got a lot of shit from her (now-ex) boss. But we not only kept this talented and AMAZING gal at the company, but she has my old job now.

An extra point for those who are really paying attention: She outlived me, her old boss AND my boss at that company. All because we DARED to put the right people on the right team.

Such a shame that I will never get that opportunity to make that kind of magic again, now that the “poaching” definition expands across company lines.

Even though, let’s face it, all the companies are going to merge eventually and we’ll all be under the same roof.

That is, if our rising stars last that long.

1. How to Go From Working 60 Hours a Week to 40 By Sending 2 Emails a Week

Seriously? I am thrilled when I get it DOWN to 60 hours! If I get it down to 40, I’m going to see a unicorn farting out a rainbow of sparkle dust. MY EYES ARE NOT READY FOR THAT.

2. In addition to ex-stefather-type, another of Mom’s illustrious exes is hurt he didn’t hear from me this year. And Mom’s uncle yelled at her for only sending a card and not calling too.

You know, for two grown-ass women who don’t have daddies … and to who these men barely pay a whit of attention throughout the entire year … you’d think they’d mind their damn business. And my own great-uncle’s daughter didn’t even bother doing anything for him at all.

Ex-stepfather-type person told Mom he’s hurt that I didn’t wish him a Happy Father’s Day.

Well for fuck’s sake. Of course I thought of him yesterday.

And I cast a pox upon his house.

What more does he want?

How about answering any of my texts to, for the love of God, help me to help my mom? Since you are in the MEDICAL FIELD and she has CHRONIC AND ACUTE ILLNESSES?

I haven’t been to a Weight Watchers meeting in more than a month. Mostly because I’ve developed a love affair with Bell Plantation PB Thins cookies and YOU CANNOT TEAR US APART.

Ahem.

Last meeting I attended, we had a guest leader whom I love. Grace was speaking of our “Extra” 49 points we get in a week, and she said she doesn’t spend them. Plain and simple.

She lost 110 pounds at age 70, so believe me, I’m listening.

She told us her husband will nudge her to eat a bite of his dessert, or friends will encourage her to have a cocktail or eat something they cooked because they made it for her.

And that’s all well and good when she has the points to spare, but she said, “I jealously guard my 49 points. I want them to be there if and when I need them. I do not spend them just because I can.”

Lately I haven’t been jealously guarding my points. I still keep track even when I don’t go to meetings, but I have been kind of going off the rails on the weekends. So, no points to spare midweek when I REALLY NEED SOME WINE.

Something I’ve been guarding jealously however has been my time. Last week I “only” gave 60 hours to my full-time job.

And … the world didn’t end.

What did I do with my “free” time, you ask?

Took care of my health. Physical and metaphysical.

Now if only I could get consistent in guarding my time the way Grace guards her points (oh, yeah, and to learn from her and do THAT too), this would actually be another awesome week.

Met a guy yesterday. Generally not an unusual occurrence. Nor the way it played out.

I walked to Starbucks in the morning and was walking across the bridge on my way home. He was in front of me and slowed down to talk.

We had a nice conversation (it’s a long bridge) and he was going to go to the beach at the end of the bridge, and I was going to hang a left and head home.

I said enjoy the day, and he asked if he could walk with me a little while longer.

I said no. I was thinking, “Never let them know where you live.”

He pleaded his case, “You’re so funny! I loved talking with you. I enjoy your smile and want to keep talking with you.”

Now, how sweet was that, right?

Here’s the thing.

I know I’m funny and interesting and just plain awesome when I want to be. When there’s no pressure. When there’s no reason to care either way what kind of impression I make.

But the point I really want to make is sure I may be brilliant to him, but was he to me?

Not really.

Men have the ability to chat up anyone, so he’ll find someone else.

And I expect to find someone else … one who gets me all tongue-tied and twisted because I’m so enamored and eager to impress because he’s dazzling MY brain.

It can happen. It’s gotta happen … right?

I did not have the worst week. Go figure.

I attribute my happiness to working from home three days last week. Everything seems surmountable when I’m staring at the ocean while I’m dealing with it.

I also think my conclusion helps that I can feel “meh” inside 40 (72) hours a week as long as I have something to look forward to. (And Winger is coming to town next month …)

Things are fine right now and I know to appreciate these boring moments. But …

*cue continual existential dilemma*

But what if we were put on this earth to be amazed and wowed and challenged (in a good way) and to be filled with wonder (again, in a good way) more often than not?

At the point I stopped having a family to return to, and being the only one capable of keeping a roof over my family’s (i.e., mom and cat) head, I gave up on chasing dreams. Or having them, for that matter.

But I was talking to a friend who still has those dreams. And while part of me wanted to pat my friend on the head because it’s so damn cute, another part of me said, “I want to help you because that dream is just fine by me, too.”

I’m not saying others’ dreams are or should be my own. But, you know. It’s a start.

To work from home or not to work from home? That is never a question.

As we get closer to leaving Ye Olde Alligator Farm and closer to civilization, the “Which part of Civilization?” discussion is next. Will we live on the Mother Ship still too far north for my tastes? Or move gloriously, independently South? Or in the Deep South, so to speak?

Mom’s and my Spidey senses always have us north with the Mother Ship. Where I’m sure I will get snubbed for a big-girl office again and relegated to General Population. Which, I like my corner now. However, I can’t imagine I’ll get such a lovely setup next time around.

And today I got that stab in the heart that it’s “to the Mother Ship we go” when I had an overjoyed moment that there is someone I will never, ever, never EVER have to see again when we move. Like, Snoopy dance over-the-amber-honey-moon that’s outside my window right now.

And since the universe LOVES to fuck with me, I have a funny feeling I will be stuck with this person till I find a career alternative. Which, this is pretty much reason enough.

I think of how great it could be to sit in a room with my immediate team — my two counterparts S & P and the new person we recently brought on and the new person I’m about to bring on. This proximity could produce some big fat fucking magic, if you ask us.

And not to say they won’t throw us all in a room together on the Mother Ship. But it just won’t be the same. And we know how to come back from disappointments big and small. But I don’t know how long it would take to recover if we’re simply saying goodbye to Wally the Gator and taking with us everything else we have been literally living to leave behind.

Throughout my career, I’ve always managed men. Like, powerful and brilliant and successful and multimillionaire men. Because, I rock like that.

My newest batch is proving to be my most difficult yet. But that’s a story for another blog.

But one thing I’ve always done is be everybody’s fluffer. I’ve done everything from writing their scripts before video shoots to showing up at photo shoots to talk to them about their kids or wives or the hookers whose stomachs they used as tables to do blow … whatever. Anything to get the smile, the humor, the fire, the passion, the WHATEVER I needed from them at the time.

Today one of my boys showed up for a video shoot. So I did the fluffer routine, once again customized for my audience.

“So, how about ol’ Eric Cantor losing his seat, eh?”

Aaaand, scene. Political Viagra. My boy was all fired up and he gave it his all on-camera.

To everyone who needed this shoot to go well, you’re welcome.

One of my boys who overheard this miracle take place said, “There is really NOTHING random about you, is there? You know EXACTLY what you’re doing at all times.”

You’re damn right, Buttercup. Now if only everyone else appreciated it that much!