Caterwauling

Isn’t that a rarity? 🙂

I’m debating about going to a cult indoctrination cosmetics event tonight. I know I don’t have the money to spend, but damn it, I need some social interaction. The only people I saw today were the UPS guy and the cable guy. And that UPS guy owes me two boxes, so I get to sit home and wait for him again for the next two days. Hooray. Where is my marshmallow body whipped cream?!?! But at least I did get the hot fudge warming lube, so I can’t complain too much!

I think I’ll wear green tonight. In honor of our beloved Kermit the Frog of course, but also because that’s a color I can count on to make me look fabulous. 😉 Now, I wonder where the hell I put that shirt when I unpacked. …

On iTunes: Kermit the Frog, “The Rainbow Connection”

Attended a great “spa party” last night. ‘Twas fun to see how the other half lives. I mean, I’m canceling my cable and deciding which of my stuff to sell so that I’m not homeless for the holidays, and here are women getting in-home spa treatments in a truly gorgeous, sprawling, fantastically decorated and furnished abode.

I’m not begrudging anybody, by the way. It’s great to see people thriving. And my turn is coming. One of these days. 😉

Anyway, back to the party. We were required to come up with names for ourselves. Our first name, of course, and a word that starts with the letter of our name. Hence, “Delicious Dawn” (which, as I explained to one of the male stand-up comics who showed up at the end of the evening to entertain us ladies, was a prime example of truth in advertising!).

But onto other fun things, there was a sex toy party. No, I wasn’t the consultant in charge. 🙂 I was prepared to hate the woman, but I really enjoyed her. She was bubbly and theatrical and entertaining. She was from a different company than the one I represent, but it still helped me to watch her presentation. The company sells several similar products as my company, and they also have more risque stuff, too. And if I could do it all over again, I might have chosen the company the gal last night represented, only because I really do have a kinky side (it’s just a little bit out of practice these days. LOL), and some of the toys were much more up my personal alley.

But, alas, I am happier with the company I do represent. It’s classier. Some of the products may cost a few dollars more, but the value is higher, to me. Our presentations are less kinky than educational. We use proper body terminology (I admit I was horrified to hear the consultant refer to breasts as “headlights”) — not that I’m not above using slang (I’ve used it all my life and it’s weird as hell for me to actually say the phrase “clitoral hood” instead of, well, any other “c” word you can imagine). But when you’re trying to teach people how to have an orgasm, well, it’s uncomfortable enough for them without having me talk like a porn star. Although, if the scene is the right one, I’m only too pleased to do just that! 😉

Anyway, I saw a lot of people who used to know me. Some, I could sense, weren’t overly thrilled to have to cross paths with me again, but others seemed happy to see what I’m up to (which is a fat lot of nothing, unfortunately, but I am a good spin master). And I fail to name one person who didn’t say, “God, you look good. Your new life is agreeing with you.”

And that’s the funny part. I agree with them. I used to be a stress monkey for a lot of reasons, and now I’m stressed over a whole bunch of other things. But apparently I am handling it better. Or maybe, just maybe, I feel more in control. I think what used to happen was that I felt powerless to the things that devastated me. Now, I know that they aren’t going to change until I solve whatever mystery is at hand … and find an effective solution. Right now, the stress comes from finding temporary solutions to long-term problems and knowing that the short-term is going to be the hardest to survive.

On iTunes: Melissa Etheridge, “Breathe”

OK, so I placed an order with a company on Oct. 18. I paid extra for three-day UPS shipping. I couldn’t have it sent by air because said company’s policy is to not ship certain types of items by air.

So, please tell me why the package isn’t scheduled to arrive until Oct. 27. Does “three-day” shipping mean it takes three days to ship it AFTER we get our shit together and package that bitch up?

On iTunes: Cher, “Love is a Lonely Place Without You”

* I will break your kneecaps if you ever call me that. This is not a test. 🙂

Working at home is a lonely endeavor. Even for me, and I hate human interaction, for the most part. 😉 But once in awhile, I find myself hanging out at my sliding glass door like a Garfield window cling, especially when the FedEx or UPS guys are parked outside.

I was heartbroken this morning when a delivery guy was in my building at 9:30 a.m. and had nothing for me. Actually, I do have Passion Parties merchandise on order, and I was expecting the shipment today (’cause I’m seeing my customers tomorrow!).

Anyway, I tidied up as best I could, sans proper caffeination. I unlocked the door. I waited ever so patiently but expectantly, as if I were waiting for a booty call (even though it was only of the postal variety) to arrive.

And the driver had the audacity to leave without bringing me any goodies.

Bah.

There’s always hope for an afternoon run. 😉 But wouldn’t it have been glorious to know I can leave the house and not miss a delivery?!?!

On iTunes: Staind, “Epiphany”

OK, so after two days of driving around lost, I finally found Kinko’s at some plaza in Bailey’s Crossroads. Whee.

The problem? Forty fucking cents a minute is being sapped away as I hunt and click and sigh, only to find that they do not have Adobe Acrobat.

Duh, it’s a free program. Why the hell don’t they have it?

I have been procrastinating in doing some legal paperwork because I couldn’t print it out. I’ve also missed some opportunities to promote myself because I have two non-functioning printers in my living room/office.

So, I bought my own damn printer at Best Buy. Yay. Because it’s always wise to max out one’s last credit card when there is no foreseeable income on the horizon. For the past 25 minutes, I have been repeating to myself, “It is an investment. It is a tax write-off. It is a necessity. Damn it.”

Although, admittedly, I’ve said, “Damn it,” more than anything. 🙂

I’ve spent a lot of time in Kinko’s — between Oregon, Pittsburgh and D.C., I’m sure I’ve wasted enough minutes looking for applications they don’t have (or don’t have the latest version of and therefore I couldn’t open documents and had to run back and re-save them as earlier versions) to catch up on my past-due car payment. And please don’t expect assistance in there — especially when I am the idiot who is fine with plunking down the higher cost to sit at the Mac G4 or G5 — because the only answer you will get is, “Well, the server is online. I don’t know why you’re having problems.”

Oh, that’s another complaint (specific to the Oregon stores) — after you’ve run home and re-saved your document into a format the machine will understand, you pop it open and voila! The server is offline and won’t print. So you sit there till it comes online, because if you take your credit card out of the terminal, you won’t KNOW when the thing is back online.

Oh but wait, there’s more. I’ve been to the Old Town Alexandria location, and well, what a treat that was. I wanted to print, but when I hit print, the document went to the corporate site for processing. Great. So I had to ask where to send it and then I had to wait till it processed (I was printing from a disk — all edits were done at home and all I wanted to do was skim over the final product before logging off). Well, let me just say I had paid $2 up-front to use the machine. So, in addition to my wait time, I got a pop-up message every 15 seconds to remind me that my time was running out. All told, after I added more and more money to the pre-paid card, it was a $10 endeavor to print my four-sentence resignation letter.

Bah.

I also get kind of upset that, in many stores (Monroeville, Pa., *cough cough*), the cost to use the Mac is double the cost to use a PC. But, in my estimation, you couldn’t pay ME to use the PC, and frankly, I’m so quick on the Mac that I can do in 10 minutes ($4 for those playing at home) what I can do in 20 minutes on a PC.

Anyway.

I’m going to try to get over my concussion and finish setting up my new printer that I can’t afford. 🙂 It’s going under the desk, and I keep bonking my head off the keyboard shelf. But that’s nothing compared to the temptation I had at Kinko’s to hang myself with a mouse cord. …

On iTunes: Juice Newton, “Angel of the Morning”

Because Bill asked, I wanted to let everyone know that I’ve been smoke-free for more than a month now! Yay!!! My official quit date was Sept. 20. I did try to sneak one hit, though, a couple of weeks ago. *retch* It was awful.

That’s not to say that I don’t feel naked without a cigarette in my hand. I used to love my morning coffee and my evening cocktails with a Camel Light or 10. Now, I drink the coffee just for its caffeine, and I can’t even tell you how much I don’t even want to touch alcohol because it’s like milk without the cookies, the sex without the lube, the pirate without the wench.

Damn it, I’m turning into a goody two shoes!!!! 😉

Well, apparently, not good enough, though.

I do believe good things happen to good people. I’m just wondering if I’m that evil because I can’t find so much as a buoy to straddle when the current picks up. I need a ship to come in, and hopefully there will be a hot sailor on it! (Any takers? Going, going. …)

Actually, what I find weird is how I know I should be nervous, but I’m not (well, not enough, probably). There is every reason to fret, and no ship is even passing by the damn harbor. I keep going after opportunities (don’t think I’m sittin’ on my duff lookin’ pretty here), but I need just one to work out. One. Anything to keep me in motion.

Had a frustrating encounter the other day. Was at a busy intersection on King Street when I was approached by some volunteer collecting for homeless children. Now, when I was working, I would pull a few bucks out of the visor and contribute (I always kept a couple of emergency dollars on hand in case I ran out of gas while sitting in the incredible traffic ’round here — I miss those days of finding money!). But this time, I couldn’t. I wanted to say, hello, I’m about to be homeless and what are you doing for ME?!?! Can I get my earlier donations back?

But, alas, I was not that crude. But the guy really tried to goad me into finding money for the cause. I said look, I don’t have a job right now. Can’t do it. I could tell he really thought it was an excuse, and it’s sad if people really are giving those kinds of excuses to get out of supporting charitable work. And what people do not know about me off the bat is that I spent years upon years not only workng AT charities, but doing the fund-raising FOR them. If I can’t find a couple of bucks to hand over, believe me, then I’m in a financial crisis. Especially now that I’m saving like $100/month on cigarettes!

Anyway, when the guy looked at me and realized I was not lying (you can look at me and know if I’m being honest. My eyes will always give me away), he said, “Pray on it, then.”

My light changed, and I drove away. And I wondered if that really works. Let me insert that I am a happy agnostic who follows her spirit guides wherever they lead. Does that count? I’ve known people who are religious and/or spiritual, and they seem so content, like they know they will be taken care of if the just believe in something. And am I selfish if I only have enough strength to believe in me right now?

Oh, pseudo-related, if you haven’t picked up a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You,” then you’re missing out on some brilliant insight into the straight male mind. I’ve always prided myself on thinking (and, sometimes behaving) like a guy, but oh my god, I don’t think I’m going to be able to trust anybody after I finish this book! (Alas, though, not like I really *did* trust them before it!) The truth HURTS. And that’s all I’m gonna say on THAT subject for now. … 😉

On iTunes: Sarah McLachlan, “World on Fire”

Psychic Sylvia Brown was on “Montel” today (god, I love morning talk T.V.!), and everyone was asking if there is a heaven. Honey, I didn’t need to hear her answer to know that, yes, in fact, there is.

It’s called Old Navy.

Today was a complete waste. I had full intentions on finding the Kinko’s in Bailey’s Crossroads so that I could print out some important documents and fax them. But, alas, I never found Kinko’s, but I did find Old Navy (and Tarzhay and Wal-Mart. Woo hoo!). Says me, the same idiot who has to get rid of cable. *sigh*

But I did end up with two shirts, two scarves and a pair of gloves. It’s a winter investment, right? 😉 I was just pissed off because A.) I couldn’t find my destination and B.) I had to waste spend money on stupid stuff like toilet bowl cleaner and dishwashing stuff and the like. Man, I could really live on my uber-reduced income if I didn’t have to waste money on all of those “little things” that mean (and add up to) so much!

On iTunes: Bonnie McKee, “Somebody”

Today was designated as a “Worry-Free Day.” I did no work (not like I have much left, anyway. But still). But I did do housework.

My apartment has been barely inhabited since August. I went from a crazy-busy time to a three-week-plus getaway. And I have only been back one week, and I’ve been playing catch-up with e-mail and with one little project. Hence, I have clean laundry and suitcases and purchases and miscellaneous crap just kind of sitting around, waiting to be placed somewhere.

Well, today I cleaned for hours, and I swear, you can barely tell. 🙁

I rearranged my bedroom and broke a lot of new bedthings out of their packages. (Not plastic bedthings — those are in the mail!) And then, I went about overhauling the bathroom. The thing was, I bought two sets of shower curtains and acoutrements while I was away. One set is hot pink and silver — very “now.” Another set is Happy Bunny — a shower curtain and a matching rug that says “It’s all about me.”

I chose the latter.

I was just admiring my work, and I realized that I hope nobody passes the threshold of my abode anytime soon, because they will know I’ve done lost my mind with all the Happy Bunny not only in there, but also throughout the kitchen.

Oh well. I can’t help but smile when I see it, though. Besides, I don’t have any way of paying my November rent, so it’s not like it’s going to be up for much longer!

On iTunes: Melissa Ferrick, “For Once in My Life”

But it will be a short ride. 🙂

Tard Blog returns!!!

Sample entry:

When (Daria) ran by, she yelled, “Miss Pell! PWESENT!”

I called my assistant to come watch the kids while I picked corn and fecal matter from my face and hair for the next 30 minutes, pondered my life as a sped teacher, and decided which bar happy hour would be at that day.

Life is right again. 😉

Two events/conversations from yesterday. True stories!

The scene: four women testing out new vibrators (get those minds outta the gutter, people — it was a Passion Party demo!). I’m holding a vibrator with seven speeds and a handful of other functions (it lights up too as the speed increases. Way cool!).

Doorbell rings. Hostess: “It’s the pizza guy!”

Stunned looks from all of us. Someone: “Oh, this has the makings of a porno.” Someone else: “Turn that thing OFF!”

I didn’t know HOW to turn it off, so I clamped the vibrating part between my knees as I fumbled with the dials. It was finally off as the delivery guy left.

Bummer!
____________________________________

An IM conversation

My friend: I’m co-authoring a book, teaching five courses this semester, etc.

Me: I sold a vibrator today.

*sigh* All those years of college, and this is what it’s come to!

On iTunes: Sugarbabes, “Hole in the Head”