I could reeeaaaaalllly use some good karma today, if anybody can spare some. 🙂 It’s going to be a challenge to come out from under a rock to the top of my game!
And while you’re at it, go congratulate Tiff! w00t!!!
On iTunes: Frou Frou, “Let Go”
Pulse
December 1st, 2004, 3:08 PM by DawnWhat, what’s that weird feeling I have today? OMG, is it a pulse?
I often say that when it rains, it hurricanes. But eventually, the clouds part and you start to see a faint glimmer of sunlight — just when you need it most. Nothing specific happened, but at some point, you’ve got to start believing what everyone else is telling you. As someone told me yesterday, trust the process. And I will.
I’m not going to claim everything is roses and unicorns. Not even close. But I am starting to see where attitude is half the battle. I don’t know why things happen when or the way they do, but alas, they had to happen, regardless. And we can either sit around bemoaning our fates or we can say, “I can work with this set of circumstances. I just need a few minutes to pull it together.” That few minutes of collecting yourself is such a luxury, but moving forward, you see it was a necessity.
At this point, I’m fumbling for the bootstraps. But they’re around here somewhere — I know I’ve seen them before! Certain people have come into my life to coax me off the ledge and back to me — back into the cocoon of dreams that I long since abandoned. Right now, my full-time concern is keeping up my spirit — and it will eventually pay off, but it means surviving on scraps and digesting your pride every now and again. But that will come back in time. It’s all part of the cycle, and I will be a better person for it all. Never underestimate the power of passion. And having an abundance of it was never my problem!
On iTunes: A Girl Named Eddy, “Did You See the Moon Tonight?”
What he said
December 1st, 2004, 10:35 AM by DawnIf only more people were this cognizant of what they have and what it’s like for those with so much less.
On iTunes: Aberdeen, “Cities and Buses”
Mailbag
November 30th, 2004, 11:10 AM by DawnDear Money:
Our adversarial relationship continues. I’ve never seen much of you and, frankly, when you did pop by for a visit, it was never an extended stay. But I could always count on seeing *just enough* of you to get by, and sometimes, you stayed a wee bit longer than you intended so that we could have a few extra laughs.
But lately, you’re on strike. Where did you go? When are you planning to come around again? Do you know that I’ve been hunting you down everywhere and can’t find a trace of you? I may not be here when you get back — how will you know where to find me? Again, I’m not asking you to move in with me — you know how commitment-phobic I am. But I do promise to cherish you more and not let your presence go unnoticed. I will focus more on quality and not quantity. I will promise to ensure that I am happy to simply have shelter rather than concerning myself with how many items are beautifying said shelter. Most of that stuff is for sale, now, anyway, in aspiration of keeping said roof intact.
(Aside to John: my apologies, as you have heard the rest of this before.)
Money, your disappearance has been sobering, and that means any decisions I make are not to be taken lightly because the repercussions to the wrong decisions are that much harder to undo. But my optimism that the sun will someday shine again can’t be killed off completely. It’s hard to sit here in my disquieted state and even entertain the thought that someday, I will experience more than two or three consecutive happy moments. But no matter how much you are boycotting arriving in my bank account, Money, I need you to know that this seed of hope of seeing you again has to reign, or else I will wither. And I have more important things to accomplish in this life than paying the rent, although that would be nice right now, too.
I liken my death grip on hope to the fact that I don’t necessarily have a green thumb, but I can’t kill my plants for anything. I haven’t watered them in over a month, and the happy green leaves still greet me every day, imploring, “Maybe today will be the day you give us nourishment?” And I neglect them, waiting for when I feel like it. Maybe that’s what you’re doing to me right now. Maybe it knows we’re fading but doesn’t throw us a cracker until we’re about to pass out. But maybe that only means that one day, I and everyone else like me will have the whole dinner to nourish us, turkey and trimmings and all. And maybe we’ll savor every bite, every moment, every crumb, because we will never forget the bitter taste of having nothing at all.
In the meantime, I am going to go water my plants, because I like seeing them green and because that means I will recognize you when I see you again. Don’t be a stranger, mmm kay?
On iTunes: Milk Inc., “The Sun Always Shines on TV”
Scrapbook
November 29th, 2004, 3:45 PM by DawnI took better pix on Friday, but for lack of anything intelligent to say today, I just wanted to post more weekend photos:
I hung out at the Ice Rink on Saturday at the National Gallery of Art. It’s fun to watch people fall down:
While at the NGO, I hung out with the Thinker on a Rock. Best conversation I’ve had in minutes:
I spent the rest of the day at the Hirshhorn because, well, museums are free and that’s my favorite anyway. Hooray. I didn’t get any pix there because all I wanted to photograph was butter and the guard got mad. There was an intriguing Ann Mendieta exhibit. She liked to be naked and use blood in her work. Disturbing but fascinating.
Anyway, Maddie knows I’m broke, so she offered for me to return her to Amazon to see what 17 pounds of puss would pay:
But as her ass didn’t fit in the box (and why she thought it would is anybody’s guess!), she decided to wipe said behind on my Writer’s Digest when I told her to go find a job:
One more tree shot from Market Square on King Street. Because Old Town Alexandria rocks:
On iTunes: Ren and Stimpy, “We Wish You a Hairy Chestwig”
Have you ever
November 28th, 2004, 1:12 PM by DawnPrided yourself on marching to the beat of your own drummer, but then woke up one day and wondered if your drummer had gone tone-deaf?
To say these have been the most abysmal days of my life would be an understatement. But instead of concentrating on everything that’s going wrong, I’m going to be grateful for what I’ve had and what I’ve still got. And it’s hard to do right now, but I don’t have much choice in the matter. Wallowing in self-pity is a rare indulgence, and I see why I don’t bother doing it more often — it’s evil.
For those of you who don’t know me, I’m a last-minute kind of person. As in, that’s when I get my burst of creative genius that saves me. I’m also a closet optimist. Meaning, I’ve got to hit rock bottom (and you’ve got to let me sometimes) before I can spring to new heights. At this point, I’m tired of hurting. And it’s not that I haven’t been trying to resolve my situation in the most creative of ways, but I think that internal drummer is reading somebody else’s sheet music, because the things I was convinced would work, well, haven’t. And I’m not sure what WILL work. But there’s not a lot of time to figure it out, either.
Anyway, I was thinking about some really unfortunate things that have happened to me in my life (years upon years ago). I remember hoping that I’d suffered enough and that things wouldn’t get worse. But apparently there’s no expiration date on heartache, and if there is, that just means a fresh batch is baking up for when you’re starting to feel good again. In any event, a lesson I learned in convalescing from an earlier time is that if you can fool enough people into believing you’re thriving, eventually you start to believe it yourself, and then you just eventually do end up thriving. And maybe that’s where I need to start again this time. I still have my health, my sanity and, believe it or not, my pride. I’ve paid for my wrongdoings. I’ve gotten rid of the things in my life that weren’t benefiting me. I’ve gained a new appreciation and gratitude for the people, places and things in my life that other people aren’t fortunate enough to have experienced. Sure, there will always be people who want to make you feel like crap or who just do it second-nature and don’t even realize how much they manage to hurt you, but Karma just hasn’t gotten to them yet. 😉
And for those who were kind enough to stop and help along the way, well, I owe them no less than to be able to help them when it’s their turn to be down and out. May they never hurt the way I have … and I will see to it that they don’t. Not if I can help it.
On iTunes: Richie Sambora, “One Light Burning”
Old Town, new tree
November 27th, 2004, 8:35 AM by DawnVentured out of my hole of doom and despair last night to attend the Tree Lighting Ceremony in Old Town last night.
Not quite the to-do that Pittsburgh’s Light-Up Night is, but then again, it’s not Pittsburgh. 😉 I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to be able to stay in D.C., so I’ve committed myself to enjoying as much as I can of the area while I can. In any event, I may tell a story about the former at the end of this entry, if I feel like embarrassing myself. 😉
In any event, the pilgrimage was worth it, because as the emcee counted down (3-2-1) to the tree lighting, well, nothing happened. Countdown again. Zippo. Finally, he decided we should count back from 10. LOL. That time, it worked. And I got a GREAT shot as the lights flipped on:
This was another tree outside of Market Square. I just liked it and wanted to capture its essence. Sad when I’m more impressed by this than anything else:
Because I was paying to park anyway, I hoofed around and hung out by the Potomac. Unfortunately, my dock photos look like crap (too bad, because it’s really one of my favorite places in the world), but I did get a decent shot of Art Craft:
Because my Thankgiving (as well as the rest of my life) has, well, sucked lately, I wanted to treat myself to something little, something that I could only get in D.C. This fabulous little Chai Tea dessert from our beloved Bread & Chocolate was the last one on the shelf and made up for the cold, crappy coffee that I bought to go with it. Isn’t it cute?
Moon over King Street:
That’s it for pictures. Anyway, the story I mentioned. As I walked around Old Town with my cold coffee and my digital camera, I had a memory of a particularly bad Light-Up Night in Pittsburgh. Or maybe it was First Night. Whatever. It was a Shitty Night, no matter what date it was.
I had been dating this guy, and nothing ever seemed to go right for us. He was nice enough and successful and smart. I think he was interested in me (um, duh, we were dating). I was really into him, but in retrospect, I guess I wasn’t, because I couldn’t act that way toward him. Anyway, he had told me that he was going out with his buddy that night — and I was so pissed off that I wasn’t invited that I decided to go stalking. It was icy and ridiculously bitter cold, but alas, I went out by myself, hunting his ass down. Never did find him, but I did find out from him later that he had actually taken a date on that outing. A date! I ended up meeting her a week later (he introduced us — how uncomfortable!). She reminded me of a mole. I called her Mole Hole for the longest time. (God, no wonder my luck is so bad — I was so cruel!) Long story short, they ended up married (he called to tell me they got engaged and to tell me the wedding date and then NEVER INVITED ME TO THE WEDDING). Anyway, it was a lifetime ago, but unfortunately it was only a memory away.
In any event, that little repressed memory came back while I watched annoyingly happy couples on the streets of Old Town. But life goes on, of course. I wondered if anybody there knew me from reading this crazy blog (or the much better one that preceded it). I wondered if I knew any of them from reading THEIR blogs. Funny how small this world really can be sometimes.
On iTunes: Sarah McLachlan, “Time”
Mailbag
November 26th, 2004, 11:58 AM by DawnDear Cigarettes:
I miss you. It’s been more than two months, and not a day passes that I don’t dream of a reunion. I can’t even walk into 7-11 anymore because, well, I’m poor, but also because I was so accustomed to asking for a pack of Camel Lights once a day or at least every other day. You went so well with my vanilla nut coffee with the really crappy, leaky lid that always managed to pop off whenever I busted a 180 degree turn at 55 mph when I left the parking lot.
Anyway, my beloved Camel Lights, life has been tough. Normally when people are as out of sorts as I’ve been, they smoke even more. Not me. I’ve spent almost $80 a month on you for the past 10 years — think how that could have helped me now! Someone said to me recently how cigarettes are like our best friends. I think this is a fair assessment — when everybody was around, we were together. When
everyone went away, you were there. In good times and bad, you were the most reliable thing in my life. And to not have you has been something that haunts me every day. What I wouldn’t give for the old familiar comfort, no matter how ephemeral it was. You’re just lucky I only have seven cents to my name, or my ass would be at 7-11 right now!
Love,
Dawn
On iTunes: Jethro Tull, “Velvet Green”
Outta here
November 24th, 2004, 3:23 PM by DawnNo, I’m not going anywhere, but I’m thinking about not coming back. Happy holidays, and be well. Stay out of trouble and take care of yourselves.
On iTunes: Jewel, “Deep Water”
Enchilada, cha cha cha!
November 24th, 2004, 11:47 AM by DawnAlthough I am admittedly not much fun to be around these days, Ted and his incredible family beat me over the head and dragged me out of the cave for The. Best. Meal. Ever. He’s nice enough to give you the recipes, so I suggest you copy them and try them ASAP (and have me over to dinner so I can taste them to make sure you made them right!).
In addition to being a terrific friend, Ted can cook! My belly is a happy one. And, not to mention, I got leftovers! w00t!
That’s not to say that Life didn’t pull on the shitkickers and remind me that happiness is fleeting. (Turning the hairy eyeball toward these asshats. Merry f’ing Christmas to you, too. I’ve got a full litterbox with your names on it!)
On iTunes: The Byrds, “Turn Turn Turn”