Have you ever

Prided yourself on marching to the beat of your own drummer, but then woke up one day and wondered if your drummer had gone tone-deaf?

To say these have been the most abysmal days of my life would be an understatement. But instead of concentrating on everything that’s going wrong, I’m going to be grateful for what I’ve had and what I’ve still got. And it’s hard to do right now, but I don’t have much choice in the matter. Wallowing in self-pity is a rare indulgence, and I see why I don’t bother doing it more often — it’s evil.

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m a last-minute kind of person. As in, that’s when I get my burst of creative genius that saves me. I’m also a closet optimist. Meaning, I’ve got to hit rock bottom (and you’ve got to let me sometimes) before I can spring to new heights. At this point, I’m tired of hurting. And it’s not that I haven’t been trying to resolve my situation in the most creative of ways, but I think that internal drummer is reading somebody else’s sheet music, because the things I was convinced would work, well, haven’t. And I’m not sure what WILL work. But there’s not a lot of time to figure it out, either.

Anyway, I was thinking about some really unfortunate things that have happened to me in my life (years upon years ago). I remember hoping that I’d suffered enough and that things wouldn’t get worse. But apparently there’s no expiration date on heartache, and if there is, that just means a fresh batch is baking up for when you’re starting to feel good again. In any event, a lesson I learned in convalescing from an earlier time is that if you can fool enough people into believing you’re thriving, eventually you start to believe it yourself, and then you just eventually do end up thriving. And maybe that’s where I need to start again this time. I still have my health, my sanity and, believe it or not, my pride. I’ve paid for my wrongdoings. I’ve gotten rid of the things in my life that weren’t benefiting me. I’ve gained a new appreciation and gratitude for the people, places and things in my life that other people aren’t fortunate enough to have experienced. Sure, there will always be people who want to make you feel like crap or who just do it second-nature and don’t even realize how much they manage to hurt you, but Karma just hasn’t gotten to them yet. 😉

And for those who were kind enough to stop and help along the way, well, I owe them no less than to be able to help them when it’s their turn to be down and out. May they never hurt the way I have … and I will see to it that they don’t. Not if I can help it.

On iTunes: Richie Sambora, “One Light Burning”

2 Responses to Have you ever

  1. Suburban Island :

    I have so much admiration for you.

  2. Dawn :

    Aw, shucks, I appreciate that. Lord knows I’ve not been much inspiration to myself or anyone else of late. It’s just so easy to feel horrible; I’ve decided I’d rather rise to the challenge of feeling good for a change.