Caterwauling

Annoyance.

I just have to piss and moan for a sec about the workplace. I was thinking about the Leadership retreat I missed, and how pathetic the Pretentious Bitch really is, because she had to announce to my peers and immediate subordinates that she isn’t replacing me and that we cost all kind of money to the agency that we didn’t raise to compensate for it. Granted, this is shit she has no problem saying to my face, but when I stepped back to get perspective, I realize how abandoned she must feel, so much that she feels the need to publicly say, although not in so many words, “Fine! I didn’t need you anyway! Nyah Nyah!” Would it have killed her to acknowledge that I worked my hardest and that I’m moving on to a different opportunity? Instead she’s sticking her thumbs in her ears, waggling her fingers and blowing raspberries at me. Well, fuck you, too. 😀

The Puppeteer directed the TECD directrix to call me today, on her behalf, to quiz me on why Lori and I typed our grant applications a particular way. Puppeteer always told me to never list her as the contact person, so I have always been the contact on all of our proposals, because I’m at least in the office to get the calls. Well, with me leaving, Lori and I tried to figure out the most appropriate substitute, but we struggled because post-adoption services would fall under Program Directeur, but the people handling the program ultimately fall under the TECD directrix. Thus, we decided to list VB, who is over the adoption program, under the Directrix’s rule, and is a member of the executive team.

So of course I get a little talking-to about making the wrong decision, and I am informed that Lori will be addressed as well. I justified that we weren’t certain, so using VB was appropriate to us because of the aforementioned three reasons. Per Puppeteer, TECD directrix informed me to put the Puppeteer’s name from now on, and only list another director if we don’t use Puppeteer, and it has to be whomever Puppeteer designates.

Okay, first of all, LIKE I AM GOING TO BE HERE TO GO THROUGH THIS BULLSHIT AGAIN! This information and about $1.07 will get me a medium coffee at CoGo’s. lol And secondly, the decision to put VB’s name as the contact took about four minutes of my life, and thanks to the semantics of this agency, I had to spend 10 minutes on the phone, all but APOLOGIZING for the decision. Unreal.

Morons.

14 more workdays till I AM OUTTA HERE!!!!

Tremors.

Okay, so I can barely walk today. 😀

‘Twas beautiful … I didn’t have to do a damn thing (no baloney, Monkey Boy! I was completely the focus of attention). Quite a change from the usual. Feelin’ wonderful. Mmmm. Typically I’m in control, but I loved being overpowered.

Tired and happy. And anticipating a repeat performance soon. 🙂

Hoe-biscuit.

My friend Melissa never realized how absolutely accurate her little nickname for me was going to be! LOL I’m such a slut.

Meeting 42 Boy tonight … and looking forward to it. Here’s to hoping he’s not an axe murderer or anything like that … it would be just my luck if he were, though!

Had a lovely evening with Lab Rat, Charlotte and her spouse, and BB. I thought I’d had a lot to drink, but I’m so stressed out, I didn’t even get a buzz. How pathetic is that?!?!

I am wondering if I made the wrong decision with SE. He’s so sweet, and we did have a nice evening together on Thursday. But I’m thinking that things moved far too quickly, and now, I’ve gone into “safe mode,” i.e., I am needing some distance. Not permanent distance, but rather a few days to move away from the fire. I’m weird in that respect … with rare exception, I tend to prefer hooking up with someone and then going into hiding for awhile. It’s nothing against them, by any means. Perhaps it’s because I’ve had mostly male friends in my life, and I’ve copied the pattern from them.

It’s kinda bumming me out that I really can’t share this with Lab Rat and Charolette. I have so many things in my head to sort through, although SE says I worry too much. He was concerned when I was pretty much silent afterward — he kept asking what I was thinking, and I told him that I wasn’t thinking anything. At that time, my mind truly was blank, and I liked that feeling. 🙂 But now the thoughts are coming freely, and well, my head hurts from it. In this case, it would be great to be friends who fuck. And if something more is meant to happen down the line, well, good. But one thing I learned from my bizarre involvement with YKW is that I don’t want to fall for someone anytime soon.

On a good note, I am not thinking all that much about YKW. He’s moving on, and he’s doing it without me. God, I miss the friendship, the chats, the quips, the laughter. I miss the secret, knowing looks and the feeling that we knew something that the rest of the world didn’t. But again, I am doing it on an archival basis … I’m filing away the sweet memories into a place where I can retrieve them when I am lonely and sad and hurting. Luckily, the loneliness, sadness and aching seems to be releasing its death grip on me, and for that, I am thankful.

My quandry about SE is that I truly can’t figure him out, not that I ever expect to figure out any man’s psyche. I mean, he tells me he loves me and that he has since the day we met. But then we had two recent dates, and the subject of sex was an issue both times. I am certain he cares about me and wants me in his life, and I feel likewise. But a part of me truly wonders if all he wanted was a cheap, easy lay (and yes, he came to the right place for that!). I even asked him if that were the case, and he seemed offended. But when he’s in my place no longer than five minutes and expresses his desire for a BJ, I have to wonder what’s motivating him.

And may I mention that he STILL has a girlfriend? He’s been saying for the past year that he’s going to break up with her. I know she ain’t putting out … and I feel like regardless of his feelings for me, he’s a man and he needs some action in order to survive, and I was a likely candidate. I don’t want him to dump the girlfriend for me, because I would like to feel comfortable dating others right now. I’d like for him to be one of the people I date, yet I don’t think he would be very thrilled with the fact that I am intending on meeting and/or dating other men. Yet that would be hypocrisy on his part, because he’s still dating his girlfriend, but I don’t want to tell him I’m dating others and then have him request exclusivity. Again, it’s nothing against him, but I know he would take it so personally, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him.

Therein lies the conflict … how do I strike a balance between keeping this nice guy in my life but pushing him away just enough to allow me a little more breathing room? Look, I made the mistake with YKW by thinking that sex was going to lead to the love of a lifetime. Granted, I’m not dumb enough to normally link the two (as sex and love have been two very separate domains in my life and continue to be), but I really see now where YKW might have liked the sexual relationship and might possibly have wanted more, just not at the lightning-quick pace at which I wanted to move. And here, SE is taking my role, and I am taking YKW’s. Life kinda bites you in the ass that way, sometimes.

And then here’s 42 Boy, wooing me with promises of kisses and more kisses. Aaaahhh. A man after my heart, for sure. He’s quick and witty and has wonderful grammar/spelling. Yes, gentle readers, I know you’re laughing about the last trait, but after a year of working at Two Strikes, you learn the value of being with someone who does not butcher our precious language. Lab Rat and I joke that my ideal man is “tall, dark and effeminate,” and while I will always love that type, I would certainly settle for “well-read, well-spoken and well-hung”!!!!!

I’ll have to update you guys on that last part when I blog tomorrow!!! 😉

Relief. And release.

Relief because the fucking proposal is finished … got it to Airborne Express at 9:25 p.m. last night. To quote Chevy Chase’s character in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation,” “Hallelujah and holy shit!”

Release because, well, to quote Monkey Boy, I rode me a baloney pony this evening!!!! 😉 Girls, save your comments … I already know what you will have to say! (Yes, SE got some tonight!)

But back to Two Strikes (I don’t dwell on carnal pleasures very long … I need to bitch about work!) So sorry to hear that the Puppeteer thinks I was such a disappointment as development director, so much that she won’t replace me. Pity. When I left Easter Seals, it took not one, but TWO people to do my job. Yes, they hired two people to handle my workload. lol. They should hire AT LEAST that for the position I am leaving at Two Strikes. Poor Lori has to take over all proposal writing. I hope she doesn’t have to work with the Incoherent Twit on proposals when I’m gone … that’s a punishment that makes masturbating with a chainsaw seem like a pleasant idea!

I’ve really hauled ass to produce a fantastic proposal. But I must admit that Lori did a shitload more than I did … getting research and hunting down staff members and outside providers for statistics and potential collaborative efforts. She rocks! But she keeps pointing out to me that she only has more experience than I do … she doesn’t realize that she achieved superhuman accomplishments in pulling both of our proposals together. I only did the writing and did a lot of brainstorming. I will NOT miss trying to get information from staff members, particularly in a timely fashion.

I forged the Puppeteer’s name on the signature pages. I’m sure she’ll have a fit. F/OM said she “chewed [his] ass out” because I missed Leadership. I apologized for him getting in trouble, but I told him that I spent so freakin’ much time on the proposal Tuesday (far longer than the Leadership meeting lasted) … and I was still scrambling to get the fucking thing done yesterday. Where are her priorities? Although I do believe wholeheartedly that she would have been much happier with me suffering through the so-called retreat with her bitching me up one side and down the other. And then she could have had the even greater pleasure of accusing me of not finishing the proposal. Never to fear, but I had another proposal due today that I never even started. 😉 Never a dull moment. Never at all. I will regret the day I ever accepted that position. Granted, I got my car out of the deal, and I love it dearly. But was it worth the torture? Yeah, I guess it was … and that’s probably a big reason why I cherish that precious vehicle.

But speaking of other “riding” experiences, well, hmm. It was interesting, to say the least. Not sure what this means, if anything. I still have plans for Saturday … I’m such a hoe-biscuit! Saturday is “42 boy” — not age but rather existential quandry debating. I have to meet this person … I have got to get to know him in person before I leave this city. Oh, god, I’ve become a man, haven’t I? lol Nothing wrong with having fun. No rings on these fingers other than the ones I purchased for myself!

Mmmm. Will sleep well tonight.

Blah.

I’m tired … and so OVER this post-adoption respite proposal! I am going to skip Leadership tomorrow … Puppeteer should have a hissy, because I didn’t get permission. I’m going to Lori’s to finish this atrocity. Ugh. Lori did a phenomenal job with her structure, and I think I did an okay job with my writing. I don’t feel like mine will get funded (only four in the country will, in my subcategory, so why bother?). Even our evaluator recommended that we pick one (preferably Lori’s) and combine our efforts. But the Puppeteer was insistent that we do both. Wonderful. Like I don’t have enough to do, although I’ve been on the Slacker Express lately.

No thoughts about the Bermuda Love Triangle. Chris L. emailed me with her assessment (I always respect her opinion). She is of the hope that YKW realizes that I’m on my way out and it will make him understand that I am about to leave his life completely, and he’d better act now to prevent that from happening. But she also reasoned that he might also be of the mindset, that even if he doesn’t want to lose me, it’s futile to even try to keep me in his life at all. Sad, but probably true. At any rate, I miss the friendship, and I can’t see how he can’t miss it, too.

No contact with SE. Found myself thinking about him a lot today. Oh, why can’t this be easy? I want him in my life. I really do. And I am glad that I haven’t screwed it up completely … yet. But I probably will. I always do. And that would be a shame.

And wouldn’t you know that straight, single and sane (I think!) men are CRAWLING out of the woodwork? It would figure, now that I am headed South. But that’s not to say that I can’t have some fun while I’m here. I know me … I need to meet people and hang out with them and learn all kinds of points of view and hear their hopes and dreams … I need those experiences because they are vital to my very being. I’m not out for an easy lay or for a distraction … I truly enjoy dating and all the crazy shit that accompanies it. Of course, I want an LTR … who doesn’t? But what I need in an LTR partner is someone who can give me loads of time and space … because that is what makes me wonder what they are doing when I am not nearby. That’s the attraction to me … their ability to live without me. In that case, no wonder I am so attracted to YKW, because he has more than proven that his world keeps on turning when I am not in it!

OK, I’m trying to add a comments section. Let’s see how this works. …

Quandry.

I have so many things I want/need to say here, and I know that my thoughts are safe within the circle of friends who read/comment on my words. However, anyone who knows my Yahoo! address can easily find this page, and frankly, I don’t want all of them knowing the debate that I am having with myself. Even more importantly, I don’t want them to witness my opinions on their levels of involvement in my life, for all the world to see, up here on the ‘Net. But still, I must find a way to blog. Today’s entry will test my creativity, for sure.

Let me work backward. Today, SE used the “L” word on the phone with me. Scared the wits out of me, to say the least. Granted, my friends and I all say we love each other when we’re hanging up the phone, particularly when it’s a long-distance friendship. But this … it was unexpected and not the way to make me feel at ease. I’m certainly not upset … just unable to say it back, at least, for right now. It’s too new and moving way too quickly.

Reminds me of the humble beginnings of the Bermuda Love Triangle … I didn’t exactly use the word in question with YKW, but the sentiment was there. I know I moved too quickly with him — I guess with him, I was unable to separate sex from whatever the emotion was. And I’ve always been able to separate the two! Why was he so different?

And now the situation is reversed. Here I am, wanting things to slow down, to let me know if this is the right path for me to take, and also, to let me get over YKW in my own time.

Last night, SE took me out for a wonderful evening. Really enjoyed myself, sans a few tense moments re: a discussion about sex and how it was not going to happen that night. I gave my reasons, which essentially amounted to two crucial things: 1. I sleep with everyone on the first date, and it has set a bad pattern in my life that I would like to break, and 2. Without using names, I indicated that my heart and my head are a complete mess right now, and he doesn’t need the emotional baggage that I am toting.

Really, he has to know about YKW and the feelings I’ve been unable to resolve for him. I’ve never discussed it, because it’s my cross to bear right now, but I thought my two reasons stated above were decent ones. He wasn’t buying it, however, and that’s too bad, because it’s the truth.

I’ll be honest, I got all tingly and weird when he kissed me. It was unexpected and sweet and just the right mixture of shyness and boldness. That’s what I’ve missed out on all these years … affection. I tried to explain to him that sex is easy (hell, it’s not like I have “the road less traveled” between my legs! ha!), but caring and commitment are the challenges, and frankly, I’d like to meet those challenges. And also, he has to understand that when there is someone else’s shadow looming in the not-so-far distance, I am not in the best frame of mind to jump headfirst into something serious.

We talked about separating sex from love; rather, he asked about my take on it. I said it’s different everytime. With my most recent ex, it was definitely separate … sex with no love. And with the person before that (YKW), I hoped that sex would lead to love, so in that case, it was intermingled.

As an aside, I am IMing with CMU Boy right now. What is it gonna take to get to meet him in person before I leave?!!? Melissa Etheridge is coming to Pittsburgh on Sunday, Aug. 4, he said, and he doesn’t have anyone with whom to attend it. She’s our mutual favorite. I wonder if Shawn will let me come in late the next day, or have the day off, if we get tickets together. …

At any rate, I have always been afraid with SE that sex, or something like it, would lead to an attachment on his part. Not that it’s a bad thing, mind you, but going back to the ability to separate sex from love, I’ll bet he can’t do it. And I WANT sex with love. But when I’m about to move 250 miles away with hundreds of thousands of men I’ve never met (preferably the hetero ones, thank you!), I feel like I should at the very least keep my options open. Not saying that I will find anybody “better” — at this rate, I have never met a better man, as far as someone who cares so much for me. But the whole point of leaving town is to get a new start in ALL aspects of my life.

On a bittersweet note, SE said that he’s been in love with me from the first day we met. My heart broke … because I’d had the same feeling about YKW. I still find myself wondering what YKW is doing, where he is, and if I cross his mind in even the most infinitesimal way. But where is he? Did I even get a happy birthday call from him? Where is his heart? And did I ever have a piece of it?

I think the last few sentences are the best reasons why I can’t get overly involved with SE right now. I know that I have to get over YKW, and I will. I promise, I will. Just not today, or even in six months. But I am open to dating SE, but just dating. I know, in my heart of hearts, that letting him go would be a stupid, stupid move, so I don’t want to let him go. And I won’t. But he’s got to give me the time and space I need to figure out where my heart lies. Look, YKW is still a part of me, like it or not … and some of my friends are still rooting for him, hoping that he will reach for me before it’s too late. And CMU Boy, if and when he decides to want to meet me in person (after two years of emails/IMs), is a possibility as well … even if it ends up as friendship, which is what it is now. And there are others I’ve been considering as well. I am in no shape to be making any decisions right now. SE deserves more than to be my rebound person.

I don’t know. Guys, what do you think?!?!

Freedom.

The HR Directrix’s weekly report just hit the email waves. It reads as follows:

[Lab Rat], Administrative Spec.

No longer with agency, 6/14/02

[Cavalier], Admin of Development

No longer with agency, 6/21/02

Those are our quitting dates. It is refreshingly WONDERFUL to see it in writing!!!! The end is near!!! (like I told Lab Rat, it’s about the length of a menstrual cycle. … How appropriate!)

Drama.

What am I getting myself into? And what is my motivation? Is this going to be the best or the worst move I’ve ever made?

I’m talking about tomorrow night. Oh, wow. I guess I agreed to a night out. I’m probably going to end up hurting him, I just know it.

In an odd way, I am kinda looking forward to it. It’s been awhile since I’ve been on an outing with a man who is truly interested in Dawn.

I realize that I fight against the very thing for which I yearn. Perhaps it’s time to stop fighting and just let things happen, instead of always trying to make things materialize where they are not meant to exist. Maybe the reasons eventually cease to matter; instead, the end product is the only thing that counts.

Mom will be so proud. 😉

Chaos.

Spent a whole lot of time at Lori’s today. We worked quite leisurely on our post-adoption federal proposals. Didn’t write at all … just reasoned and debated and planned. These are due in a week. I am most grateful to her for doing all the necessary research and phone calls for both of us … I can’t get that kind of stuff done, for many reasons. First, she calls me the Rainmaker … I can land a deal, and I can close a deal. But for the work in between, forget it. This is what makes me realize that I am a damn good supervisor … I can create and wrap up projects quite brilliantly, but as for actually having the discipline to do the work, I am useless. I love to work, don’t get me wrong, but my passion has died and frankly, I am having a mad case of senioritis. And these proposals are too much work and I have no formal training in how to do them. Federal proposals basically want to know what kind of toilet paper you plan to hang in your office for the purpose of the funding request, that’s how detailed they are. I don’t do these kinds of details. Ask me to plan a special event or a publicity stunt, and I can get you the right toilet paper and fingertip towels to match. But this shit is for the birds.

At any rate, I have a week to write this proposal and another one to fund our Foundation. And the video shoot is this weekend, on my birthday. And I can pretty much kiss Memorial Day goodbye, ‘cuz I’ve got to write this fucking adoption proposal. I’m tired, and senioritis is setting in big time. I have eight million projects to bring to some kind of closure, and not a goddamn one of these projects will be easy or quick to finish.

Spent a lot of time today with the mind wandering. Keep thinking about YKW, although my guess is that I am the furthest thing from his thoughts. He promised me nothing. And that’s what I have now. But I can’t help remembering the little glances and touches and all the giddy moments I had experienced when he was near.

In high school, Judd and I had a little saying, about how you just can’t help loving those you choose to love, and likewise, they can’t help it if they don’t return the sentiment with the same caliber of passion. (He was my gay “high school sweetheart.”) We realized, even in our precious youth, that we all love people with as much feeling as our hearts can possibly feel for them, and it doesn’t make us bad people if, in fact, we don’t love them as much as they love us, so long as we are loving them as much as we are possibly capable. Likewise, if their love for us is much quieter and more understated than our own passion for them, that’s okay too, because they really do appreciate what we are offering them, even if it’s not exactly what they wanted. It goes back to the earlier statement: we can’t help whom it is we love.

This particular memory of my wretched high school days has helped me greatly during the past week and a half. Did YKW feel something for me? I can probably bank on it. But was it as intense as what I was feeling for him? Unfortunately, no. It could be that he felt friendship, maybe admiration, possibly a platonic love … and even a combination of the three and maybe even other emotions that I am unable to name in this diatribe. And if he felt more, well, maybe he didn’t have the right words or actions to express it. And if he didn’t, well, it’s not his fault for not realizing the wonderful opportunity he’s missing!!! 😉

As far as SE, I do have that platonic love, admiration, friendship, respect, and a whole bunch of other wonderful feelings for him. And maybe, a ways down the road, the romantic love will come, given the right setting. I just hope that he knows the high esteem in which I hold him, even if I can’t be more to him. He is someone I would never, ever want to lose. But right now, I don’t have anything to give him other than friendship. And that’s because I couldn’t help loving YKW the way I did/do. All I can say is, I am open to considering more, but the timing has to be just right.

Timing is so crucial. I always figured that when the time and setting were perfect, YKW and I would look at each other and wonder what the hell it was that we were doing, avoiding some form of a relationship. And I guess on May 10, I was impatient about wondering when that time would arrive, so I took matters into my own hands. Emotions can make you crazy that way … in your heart, you know that if things are meant to be, they will happen in their own time. But when you know your time in his city is limited, you kind of want Forever to start RIGHT THAT VERY SECOND THAT YOU HAVE HIM IN YOUR ARMS, because if you let him slip away, you can’t guarantee that you will ever see him again.

The fact of the matter is, and this is assuming that he gave me emotionally all that he was/is capable of giving me, the timing is still very wrong for the two of us. We are in different places in our lives … at least, we were. I know my intensity and passion scared the wits out of him — maybe it was because he didn’t feel the same way, and/or maybe it’s because he isn’t there yet — but I really felt like there was something special brewing between us, and anyone who knows me is well aware of the fact that I move at light speed when I find something/someone who inspires me.

But now with this upcoming life change, I don’t think this is the time to get into a serious relationship with someone who lives in the city I am fleeing. If anything, this would be a great time for us to take a chance on a real dating scenario, because we’ll be 250 miles apart, giving us both the space to find ourselves while having each other on the periphery.

I’m still wondering when/if I will ever hear from him again. My birthday is Saturday … will he remember? Will he acknowledge it in some way? A phone call would be lovely. I am not asking for anything romantic … I want to keep up the friendship that we spent the last year cultivating. And if not, well, when I move, I’ll let him know where to find me, when and if the mood strikes. I’m not going to stop wanting him, because that is my right, my desire, my destiny. And as I said, if the feeling is within him, or if it grows within him, and the timing becomes right and the setting is ideal, the possibilities will be endless. And if that never happens, we are still wonderful people who meant a great deal to each other, just in different ways.

“So I stay true to the things I knew

When I was younger

And you and love

Were all but left to hunger

And I stray from the truth as I grow older

Too much leaves an empty hollow hunger.

I think about you on a moonlit night

And the stars all seem to weep

When there’s so much love to give,

There’s never any time to sleep.”

— Beth Orton, “Stars all Seem to Weep” —