Hoe-biscuit.
My friend Melissa never realized how absolutely accurate her little nickname for me was going to be! LOL I’m such a slut.
Meeting 42 Boy tonight … and looking forward to it. Here’s to hoping he’s not an axe murderer or anything like that … it would be just my luck if he were, though!
Had a lovely evening with Lab Rat, Charlotte and her spouse, and BB. I thought I’d had a lot to drink, but I’m so stressed out, I didn’t even get a buzz. How pathetic is that?!?!
I am wondering if I made the wrong decision with SE. He’s so sweet, and we did have a nice evening together on Thursday. But I’m thinking that things moved far too quickly, and now, I’ve gone into “safe mode,” i.e., I am needing some distance. Not permanent distance, but rather a few days to move away from the fire. I’m weird in that respect … with rare exception, I tend to prefer hooking up with someone and then going into hiding for awhile. It’s nothing against them, by any means. Perhaps it’s because I’ve had mostly male friends in my life, and I’ve copied the pattern from them.
It’s kinda bumming me out that I really can’t share this with Lab Rat and Charolette. I have so many things in my head to sort through, although SE says I worry too much. He was concerned when I was pretty much silent afterward — he kept asking what I was thinking, and I told him that I wasn’t thinking anything. At that time, my mind truly was blank, and I liked that feeling. 🙂 But now the thoughts are coming freely, and well, my head hurts from it. In this case, it would be great to be friends who fuck. And if something more is meant to happen down the line, well, good. But one thing I learned from my bizarre involvement with YKW is that I don’t want to fall for someone anytime soon.
On a good note, I am not thinking all that much about YKW. He’s moving on, and he’s doing it without me. God, I miss the friendship, the chats, the quips, the laughter. I miss the secret, knowing looks and the feeling that we knew something that the rest of the world didn’t. But again, I am doing it on an archival basis … I’m filing away the sweet memories into a place where I can retrieve them when I am lonely and sad and hurting. Luckily, the loneliness, sadness and aching seems to be releasing its death grip on me, and for that, I am thankful.
My quandry about SE is that I truly can’t figure him out, not that I ever expect to figure out any man’s psyche. I mean, he tells me he loves me and that he has since the day we met. But then we had two recent dates, and the subject of sex was an issue both times. I am certain he cares about me and wants me in his life, and I feel likewise. But a part of me truly wonders if all he wanted was a cheap, easy lay (and yes, he came to the right place for that!). I even asked him if that were the case, and he seemed offended. But when he’s in my place no longer than five minutes and expresses his desire for a BJ, I have to wonder what’s motivating him.
And may I mention that he STILL has a girlfriend? He’s been saying for the past year that he’s going to break up with her. I know she ain’t putting out … and I feel like regardless of his feelings for me, he’s a man and he needs some action in order to survive, and I was a likely candidate. I don’t want him to dump the girlfriend for me, because I would like to feel comfortable dating others right now. I’d like for him to be one of the people I date, yet I don’t think he would be very thrilled with the fact that I am intending on meeting and/or dating other men. Yet that would be hypocrisy on his part, because he’s still dating his girlfriend, but I don’t want to tell him I’m dating others and then have him request exclusivity. Again, it’s nothing against him, but I know he would take it so personally, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him.
Therein lies the conflict … how do I strike a balance between keeping this nice guy in my life but pushing him away just enough to allow me a little more breathing room? Look, I made the mistake with YKW by thinking that sex was going to lead to the love of a lifetime. Granted, I’m not dumb enough to normally link the two (as sex and love have been two very separate domains in my life and continue to be), but I really see now where YKW might have liked the sexual relationship and might possibly have wanted more, just not at the lightning-quick pace at which I wanted to move. And here, SE is taking my role, and I am taking YKW’s. Life kinda bites you in the ass that way, sometimes.
And then here’s 42 Boy, wooing me with promises of kisses and more kisses. Aaaahhh. A man after my heart, for sure. He’s quick and witty and has wonderful grammar/spelling. Yes, gentle readers, I know you’re laughing about the last trait, but after a year of working at Two Strikes, you learn the value of being with someone who does not butcher our precious language. Lab Rat and I joke that my ideal man is “tall, dark and effeminate,” and while I will always love that type, I would certainly settle for “well-read, well-spoken and well-hung”!!!!!
I’ll have to update you guys on that last part when I blog tomorrow!!! 😉