Chaos.
Spent a whole lot of time at Lori’s today. We worked quite leisurely on our post-adoption federal proposals. Didn’t write at all … just reasoned and debated and planned. These are due in a week. I am most grateful to her for doing all the necessary research and phone calls for both of us … I can’t get that kind of stuff done, for many reasons. First, she calls me the Rainmaker … I can land a deal, and I can close a deal. But for the work in between, forget it. This is what makes me realize that I am a damn good supervisor … I can create and wrap up projects quite brilliantly, but as for actually having the discipline to do the work, I am useless. I love to work, don’t get me wrong, but my passion has died and frankly, I am having a mad case of senioritis. And these proposals are too much work and I have no formal training in how to do them. Federal proposals basically want to know what kind of toilet paper you plan to hang in your office for the purpose of the funding request, that’s how detailed they are. I don’t do these kinds of details. Ask me to plan a special event or a publicity stunt, and I can get you the right toilet paper and fingertip towels to match. But this shit is for the birds.
At any rate, I have a week to write this proposal and another one to fund our Foundation. And the video shoot is this weekend, on my birthday. And I can pretty much kiss Memorial Day goodbye, ‘cuz I’ve got to write this fucking adoption proposal. I’m tired, and senioritis is setting in big time. I have eight million projects to bring to some kind of closure, and not a goddamn one of these projects will be easy or quick to finish.
Spent a lot of time today with the mind wandering. Keep thinking about YKW, although my guess is that I am the furthest thing from his thoughts. He promised me nothing. And that’s what I have now. But I can’t help remembering the little glances and touches and all the giddy moments I had experienced when he was near.
In high school, Judd and I had a little saying, about how you just can’t help loving those you choose to love, and likewise, they can’t help it if they don’t return the sentiment with the same caliber of passion. (He was my gay “high school sweetheart.”) We realized, even in our precious youth, that we all love people with as much feeling as our hearts can possibly feel for them, and it doesn’t make us bad people if, in fact, we don’t love them as much as they love us, so long as we are loving them as much as we are possibly capable. Likewise, if their love for us is much quieter and more understated than our own passion for them, that’s okay too, because they really do appreciate what we are offering them, even if it’s not exactly what they wanted. It goes back to the earlier statement: we can’t help whom it is we love.
This particular memory of my wretched high school days has helped me greatly during the past week and a half. Did YKW feel something for me? I can probably bank on it. But was it as intense as what I was feeling for him? Unfortunately, no. It could be that he felt friendship, maybe admiration, possibly a platonic love … and even a combination of the three and maybe even other emotions that I am unable to name in this diatribe. And if he felt more, well, maybe he didn’t have the right words or actions to express it. And if he didn’t, well, it’s not his fault for not realizing the wonderful opportunity he’s missing!!! 😉
As far as SE, I do have that platonic love, admiration, friendship, respect, and a whole bunch of other wonderful feelings for him. And maybe, a ways down the road, the romantic love will come, given the right setting. I just hope that he knows the high esteem in which I hold him, even if I can’t be more to him. He is someone I would never, ever want to lose. But right now, I don’t have anything to give him other than friendship. And that’s because I couldn’t help loving YKW the way I did/do. All I can say is, I am open to considering more, but the timing has to be just right.
Timing is so crucial. I always figured that when the time and setting were perfect, YKW and I would look at each other and wonder what the hell it was that we were doing, avoiding some form of a relationship. And I guess on May 10, I was impatient about wondering when that time would arrive, so I took matters into my own hands. Emotions can make you crazy that way … in your heart, you know that if things are meant to be, they will happen in their own time. But when you know your time in his city is limited, you kind of want Forever to start RIGHT THAT VERY SECOND THAT YOU HAVE HIM IN YOUR ARMS, because if you let him slip away, you can’t guarantee that you will ever see him again.
The fact of the matter is, and this is assuming that he gave me emotionally all that he was/is capable of giving me, the timing is still very wrong for the two of us. We are in different places in our lives … at least, we were. I know my intensity and passion scared the wits out of him — maybe it was because he didn’t feel the same way, and/or maybe it’s because he isn’t there yet — but I really felt like there was something special brewing between us, and anyone who knows me is well aware of the fact that I move at light speed when I find something/someone who inspires me.
But now with this upcoming life change, I don’t think this is the time to get into a serious relationship with someone who lives in the city I am fleeing. If anything, this would be a great time for us to take a chance on a real dating scenario, because we’ll be 250 miles apart, giving us both the space to find ourselves while having each other on the periphery.
I’m still wondering when/if I will ever hear from him again. My birthday is Saturday … will he remember? Will he acknowledge it in some way? A phone call would be lovely. I am not asking for anything romantic … I want to keep up the friendship that we spent the last year cultivating. And if not, well, when I move, I’ll let him know where to find me, when and if the mood strikes. I’m not going to stop wanting him, because that is my right, my desire, my destiny. And as I said, if the feeling is within him, or if it grows within him, and the timing becomes right and the setting is ideal, the possibilities will be endless. And if that never happens, we are still wonderful people who meant a great deal to each other, just in different ways.
“So I stay true to the things I knew
When I was younger
And you and love
Were all but left to hunger
And I stray from the truth as I grow older
Too much leaves an empty hollow hunger.
I think about you on a moonlit night
And the stars all seem to weep
When there’s so much love to give,
There’s never any time to sleep.”
— Beth Orton, “Stars all Seem to Weep” —