Caterwauling

Waddling.

Hated sight of self on Web site mentioned below (not listing link due to not wanting to expose world to pic). On top of it all, feeling like a stuffed enchilada in outfit that used to be loose on me. So, instead of continuing to feel like I should be lying on a plate in a Mexican restaurant instead of sitting in a chair, I decided to join gym with SM. Haven’t done it yet, but because the decision has been made, well, that’s half the battle.

SM asked what time of day workouts should occur, once I secure my membership. Here was my response, after hearing why she wants to get into the groove of working out:

1. Mornings are just no good. I am cranky and generally do not want to be near people, especially those who are skinny and perfect. 🙂

2. Lunch hours are OK but being all sweaty won’t work here … our luck the a/c would be malfunctioning when we came back! (note to readers, you either need a swimsuit or a parka on any given day. 420 keeps a winter coat in his closet year-round and has worn it at least once this month!)

3. Weekends are good. I need a reason to drag my lazy arse out of bed!

4. I would also like guys chasing me down, and if I’m in shape, I can at least outrun the scary ones!!! 😉

I’m so funny. But I WOULD love to fit into all the scandalous underwear I own! And I don’t wanna diet … already gave up smoking last month … I sure as hell don’t intend to give up everything I love!!!

Gallivanting.

For the friends back home:

Check out Stupid Tourists to see the sights Lab Rat and I saw today. What I wouldn’t give to NOT be pictured! At any rate, check out the bridge pic … it’s my favorite. 🙂

Mmm. … Joni Mitchell.

Purchased the remaster of “Miles of Aisles” by Joni Mitchell yesterday. “Case of You” was the main reason I bought it. The only thing that could’ve made the album perfect would have been to have “River” on it. But I have enough cover versions of that song to last me a lifetime, so I’ll live. 🙂

SM and I had a blast last night. Skipped the FedEx Field experience and instead went down to Pentagon Row to Champps , where we proceeded to rant for hours that passed like mere minutes. She reminds me so much of Accounting Dawn … someone I miss terribly … so I am pleased to have someone like SM in my day-to-day life who can share the global perspective that I unwittingly find myself acquiring every day.

The Importance of Locking One’s Door:

I lock all my doors. Religiously. Obsessively. And I check them compulsively, at least three times. And thanks to a weird situation yesterday, I will continue to do so. What happened: I was fresh out of the shower, hair straight and an unusual application of acne medication on my problem spots (usually I wear makeup 23 hours a day; it’s strange to have a clean face and some OTC product covering the blemishes that I thought I’d have lost by age 14). At any rate, I was outside in a tank top (:::eek:::), attempting to rub the scratches out of Samantha Jones and preparing to do windows and the interior, when some guy pulled in next to me. I paid him little mind (I never see anyone here and don’t see any real need to befriend the neighbors, as most don’t even speak English). He said hi, and I returned it. He went into my building briefly and popped right back out, and I was startled when I heard him comment on how good my car looks.

Name is Paul, is probably in his late 40s/early 50s. And as I learned, lives in the apartment next door.

I was conscious of my very LOW-cut shirt, and the white cream that was splotched all over my face, which was slowly being eroded by perspiration in the 97-degree heat. I attempted to cover both, but it was kinda pointless, because I didn’t really give a shit what he thought of me. Long story short, before he walked away, he invited me to come over for a “cold drink” after I finished my work on the car.

So, that episode was forgotten till, at 9:20 p.m., I was flying out the door to meet SM on the corner (yeah, I found me a new corner in this city! It’s still a buck-a-fuck, but I’ve only found one taker so far! hee hee), when I practically ran right into him. He said he had knocked (bullshit; Lab Rat and I had been home for 15 minutes at that point, and we didn’t hear anything); personally, I think he was standing there, trying to get up the nerve to knock.

I was flustered; made a quick and frankly, botched, introduction between him and Lab Rat. I asked what he wanted, and he said he had come over to invite me over for a drink. (Jesus H). I told him I was literally out the door to meet someone and to catch me another time. I don’t remember thanking him for the offer; I’m almost sure I did. All I can say is that I am so glad the door was locked; what if he’s a nut and wants to come in, whenever he feels like it? Ugh. Bad imagery. Just bad.

Talked with Lab Rat briefly while I waited at the curb for SM; I wondered if he were simply being neighborly or if he wanted a Building 6369 concubine. For the fact that he should have INCLUDED Lab Rat in the invitation for a drink but DID NOT, we assumed then that he was looking for probably more, but the mind just CANNOT go there!!! Gaaahhh!!!

SM’s right — ignore a guy and have better things to do, he’ll want you. Throw yourself at him, he’s history. She says to reverse my pattern — ignore the guys I want yet don’t exactly indulge the ones I don’t … instead, hang around the ones that can tide me over till the good ones realize that they need to chase me in order to earn my attention.

Damn. And here I had hoped that, by age 28, the relationship reindeer games would have been long over. They’re just beginning, it seems. …

And I will WAIT till RK contacts me, if ever!!! Go, me!!! (:::doing cabbage patch dance:::)

Symbolism.

I’ve had this pretty soapstone sculpture of two doves on a branch for at least the last decade. It was a special little gift from Pinhead. It cracked once … one of the doves decided to attempt suicide and became detached at the ass, but never fear … a little bit of superglue and his ass was together again. 🙂

But then yesterday, I was attempting to dump change into a huge cobalt vase that sat just behind the little birdies, not only did the same bird finally succeed in committing suicide, but the remaining bird’s wing cracked off. Surprisingly, I didn’t get upset — I just pitched the pieces across the room, where they landed perfectly into my trash can.

It’s not that I really associated Pinhead with the doves, but I did associate the doves with a time in my life when things were simple, easy. It was the one tangible thing left from my high school days that didn’t give me indigestion. Oh well. I learned that Pinhead’s in Nashville these days. Mom did actually go to our supposed 10-year reunion (the private one) on the 13th … she said none of the idiots showed up, and if they did, she didn’t recognize them. I’m so freakin’ glad I didn’t put 500 miles on the car for that non-event, but like I told 420, it would have filled my heart with such joy to see Tuna and Frumper at 800 pounds each, which I envision them to be. lol.

The symbolism of the breaking of the doves: They survived one fracture, but even though things looked “all better” on the surface, the rift that was created from within could never possibly heal itself. Thus, the next test broke it for good, and it became time to say a final goodbye. Of course, that sums up my connection to Pinhead. Trash for the trash. I hope he’s enjoyed the last few years at the curb — maybe some nice trash collector picked him up by now. 🙂

Scattered.

My mind is everwhere today. Learned more about Alexandria, in taking 420 to/from Mt. Vernon Hospital. Went to Krispy Kreme (a good thing!). Mmm … doughnuts (::said in my best Homer Simpson impersonation::).

Horoscope said today might be a day that I fall in love. Yeah, right. I’m immersed in research on drug testing and 420 legalization (the plant, not my friend, for the slow-of-mind!!!) … I could fall in love with a nap, at this point, and probably only that. 😉

Got email from CMU Boy, in response to my second plea for what-the-hell-is-going-on-this-weekend information. I was trying to nicely say that while I’d adore meeting him and seeing Melissa Etheridge, I’d understand (and encourage) him to take another guest. Finally, he responded to basically tell me that this is “too much backflipping” and that perhaps we can talk about attending a show in D.C. together eventually. I was happy. Not that I ever expect to meet this man, BTW, but really, who wants to put 500-plus miles on their car to go to a concert where you don’t even know the person you’re meeting? I’ve seen a photo of him, but I don’t even think I sent one of myself, and I’d hate to drive out to fricking Burgettstown to the Post-Gazette Pavilion just to wait there with no ticket in-hand, hoping that my date showed up. It’s not like he was extending an offer to pick me up or let me meet him at his house … and the concert is, oh, three days away.

Besides, got an offer from SM for a Washington Redskins party at FedEx Field on Saturday. Not like I give a hoot about football (especially if it isn’t the Steelers!), but it sounds like a nice night out for us. 420 keeps saying that I need to quit worrying about the men and concentrate on making/sustaining good friendships in the city I now inhabit. SM was cute … was really worried because she only has two tickets to this event and fears offending 420 by inviting me and not him. I told her that just for the fact that she’s concerned about him will be enough for him — it’s not like he’s a football fanatic — and further, he’d be thrilled that I am not on the road to Pgh to meet the infamous CMU Boy but am instead bonding with a colleague.

RK goes to Boston tomorrow. I need to give a quick call to wish him a safe trip.

No word from CTL, but AssTwit called, outta the bloody blue, last night to share Two Strikes gossip. Our phone line sucks, ‘cuz it was all staticky and nasty, like it is every damn time I use the phone. I think it would behoove me to sit down with Lab Rat one of these days and figure out if we *really* need a home phone, because the phone company sucks donkey dick, and with two dead outlets and a crappy connection anyway, I have no desire to pay the company to come into the apartment to fix the line and jacks when I don’t even use the phone anymore.

The HR queen just walked by … that’s HR as in Huge Rear, not human resources. Lord, that woman’s ass is the size of a small country. She looks like a Teletubby. Jesus H. And she always wears these low-cut shirts (no wonder we’re losing casual dress days for good come Sept. 1) … I told Ollie that when you can see the wrinkles, you know it’s time for her to wear a less revealing shirt. Ollie said that you don’t have to look too far to find wrinkles on her. LOL. Oh, was that mean? hee hee. I’m such a bitch.

Agitation.

Charolette says CTL handed in his resignation at Two Strikes today, and that it was tearful. The newest castaway from the Survivor game, indeed. My fear is that, after his 30 days’ notice is up, he may actually move to VA. Good grief, my mind can’t even go into that abyss right now.(:::shudder:::)

Not much news on the RK front. Not certain when we’ll meet again. We chatted today (online, natch) and it was fun. That’s what I need to do … just take it easy and enjoy what I can. And not wonder about the possibilities. …

Had a lovely “girls’ night in” last night with 420, his beloved and SM from work. Just what all of us needed, I’m certain. And we need more nights like that, just laughing and stuffing our faces with good food and good wine. Can’t wait till next time! Oh, god, does that mean I’ll actually have to COOK?!?! 😉

Displacement.

Walked around feeling just weird today. Work was busy, and I’ve been scrambling to meet deadlines that I’ve missed by a mile.

At any rate, the real issue is that I’ve been feeling unsettled about things with RK. I know, I know it’s new and strange and uncertain at this point, and I just have to live with it. But I was feeling kind of displaced after two IM convos yesterday, re: a very personal issue and about a trip to Pittsburgh I’m taking this weekend, on which I invited him along. Neither convo was necessarily terrible; I realize we don’t know each other all that well yet, and without it being a face-to-face set of discussions, it’ s not really fair to either of us to not have the benefit of live reactions.

I love IMing because it’s a real-time convo, but emoticons just don’t cut it when you really want to know what he’s thinking, and likewise, you want him to know exactly what pot of thoughts are brewing in your mind. Although people have said I am gifted with verbal ability, I opt to believe my verbal cues are what give me away. I was a P.R. person, and to a degree, I still am. It’s not that words are cheap with me, but for the love, I know how to be a spin doctor and I am not afraid to use those techniques when needed. That’s why I say little when I am experiencing true and powerful emotions. I don’t want to compromise those feelings by saying something just to say it. Or, for that matter, saying things that may be unpleasant by putting them in a pleasant light, a light that may blind the person in question as to the real hidden meanings. Ugh. Rambling again.

In the IMs, we had discussed two very big issues (and neither in the depth that they deserved), so I sent an email tonight really giving my two cents’ worth on the trip-to-Pgh issue (and ignoring the other issue, which also needs to be addressed, but in due time, if that time should ever come).

The former issue, well, I discussed with Lab Rat last nite during a session of girl-roomie bonding. Which was nice. I’m still getting used to the whole living-with-someone thing, not that it’s bad but it’s still kind of a culture shock (probably more so for Maddie than for me, at any rate), but one of the positives to having a roomie is the built-in bonding time. We were both in the dumps for inverse reasons: her for the lack of a promising job but with a great relationship, and me for having a promising (somewhat) job but with no certainty about a relationship. LOL. We ranted and chilled out and eventually wore ourselves out. And today is a new and a better day for us both, but last night, we didn’t feel so alone in the world.

We talked of the need for familiarity — that it might not be Pittsburgh itself that we miss but rather the fact that all we knew and loved is no longer within physical reach or sight anymore. It’s disconcerting, when you think about it. I mean, I took the wrong lane on Van Dorn Street tonight and ended up on the Beltway going to Maryland. Took two wrong exits before I finally saw a sign for Richmond and headed south till I saw signs that jogged my overworked brain. In Pgh, that never would have happened; you could have done a U-Turn and gotten into the correct line of traffic without losing more than two minutes of your time. I put an extra 13 miles on the car tonight, when I only had an extra mile to go before I would have gotten home, had I not fucked up the Van Dorn thing. And I would have been able to get into the *correct* lane (illegally, at best), but a cop had just finished pulling someone over and was merging into the lane that I needed. LOL … I wasn’t about to cross over a yellow line at that point!!! An extra half-hour out of my life was worth not risking the ticket! LOL.

But long story finally over, this feeling of being so infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things is getting old. I want to fit in somewhere, anywhere. And maybe that’s a small part of my attraction to RK … not that he’s a native of the area, but because he can become something familiar and consistent in my life. An anchor, if you will. Pinhead always said the one who tamed me would win me. Maybe it’s time to calm the fuck down and hold on tightly, if this one will let me. Soothing the savage beast. Hah. We’ll see, friends. We’ll see.

Indulgence.

After a crazy week at work, especially as we tried to put the magazine to bed today but Quark had other ideas, 420 and I indulged in, oh, his namesake before dropping the materials at the printer and heading to Springfield Mall for some serious retail therapy. We spent waaaayyy too much; 420 on furry pillows and me on skirts and scandalous knickers. Ah, joy.

Heard from SE/CTL (and I’m sure that by now, y’all know that they are one in the same person, as was YKW/Brat). Charolette told me that she told him flat-out that I’m dating someone, and that apparently perked his interest and he asked if it’s a good man. She said of course, because I would not settle for anything less. lol. BTW, tomorrow he’s taking his longtime girlfriend to Kennywood for the Two Strikes annual picnic.

Not knowing that Charolette and he had spoken of the guy whom I am wondering what he’s thinking right now, CTL said that F/OM had asked if we still communicate, and he admitted that he and I do exchange emails here and there. Apparently F/OM was surprised to learn that we haven’t talked in weeks. Here’s a story: CTL told me that he and Charolette were having a convo recently about him not calling me, and he commented that I’m probably mad about that. They talked about if I would yell and scream at him. He, self-admittedly, told me that he’d told Charolette that it would make him horny if I’d yell and scream at him. Ewww.

He asked if I had a place to sleep when I visit Pgh, because I can always stay with him. (yeah, who wants laid? — ha ha.) He was also disappointed that I’m only going to be in town one night, which means that I might not see him outside of Lori’s party on Saturday (for which Charolette is my date and no, RK has not said another word about the trip, so I’m drivin’ alone, guys!). He was fishing for a date with me for Saturday night; I could only promise to figure it out when I get there. (Damn, I was supposed to see 42 Boy … wonder if he remembers? lol … But I’m A-OK if he forgets … he scared me a bit with wanting to rape and choke me, to which I said I refused to participate in choking and frankly, you just can’t rape the willing.)

Ahem. TMI, once again!!!

Not sure when I’ll see RK again. He’s going to Boston next weekend, and I may just go back to Pgh if CMU Boy is still willing to have me as his guest for the Melissa Etheridge concert. And the weekend following, RK is supposed to have a party, but I was also invited on a Pub Club adventure to Pennsylvania to eat, drink, be merry and drool over all the hot young college freshmen starting at Bucknell. 🙂 420 says I should take the road trip with the work buddies, because I need friends down here. He says that if RK is worth anything, he’ll wait for me, but honestly, if RK actually has the party and wants me along, it will be a difficult decision. But will the day come? I hope so, but I’ll deal with it then, if at all. I’ve never dumped friends for a man, and I don’t intend to begin now. But I’m so damn tired of being without a relationship (that I want, let me clarify!) that I would like to spend time with him, if he’ll have me.

Speaking of RK, we’ve IMed a few times. No response to my Pgh email apology. Whatever. I flat-out asked him out for tomorrow night, but all he said was that he had plans. One wonders if it’s another date, and I can’t say a word because, well, I don’t know. Not that I am planning to be with CTL in any way, shape or form, because I’m not. Here’s a question: did CTL honestly expect me to be keeping to myself and not meeting people? Perhaps because he is not having sex right now, he figures I’m not, either. LOL … I’ve dated three guys since our last interlude, and things got hot and heavy with two of them. I just don’t want him asking about RK when I don’t know if there is anything to tell. Humph. Damn it, now I really wish RK could’ve come to Pgh. In a way it was a relief that he didn’t want to go, though, because I knew it would hurt CTL if I had a date other than Charolette. And I would never, ever want to flaunt a date in front of him anyway, but RK could have increased my own comfort level, knowing that I wouldn’t be fighting off any advances later in the evening!

Ah, the drama continues. But at least I’m not missing Brat the way I was … I have somebody new to occupy the crack he left in my heart. 🙂 For now, anyway. …

BTW …

As far as familiar places, the Pub Club (composed of 420, Ollie, Shannon, Andrew and me) went to King Street Blues the other night, which is totally Virginia’s answer to Buffalo Blues, a Two Strikes happy hour favorite. Aaah, nostalgia. … 🙂

Displacement.

Walked around feeling just weird today. Work was busy, and I’ve been scrambling to meet deadlines that I’ve missed by a mile.

At any rate, the real issue is that I’ve been feeling unsettled about things with RK. I know, I know it’s new and strange and uncertain at this point, and I just have to live with it. But I was feeling kind of displaced after two IM convos yesterday, re: a very personal issue and about a trip to Pittsburgh I’m taking this weekend, on which I invited him along. Neither convo was necessarily terrible; I realize we don’t know each other all that well yet, and without it being a face-to-face set of discussions, it’ s not really fair to either of us to not have the benefit of live reactions.

I love IMing because it’s a real-time convo, but emoticons just don’t cut it when you really want to know what he’s thinking, and likewise, you want him to know exactly what pot of thoughts are brewing in your mind. Although people have said I am gifted with verbal ability, I opt to believe my facial cues are what give me away. I was a P.R. person, and to a degree, I still am. It’s not that words are cheap with me, but for the love, I know how to be a spin doctor and I am not afraid to use those techniques when needed. That’s why I say little when I am experiencing true and powerful emotions. I don’t want to compromise those feelings by saying something just to say it. Or, for that matter, saying things that may be unpleasant by putting them in a pleasant light, a light that may blind the person in question as to the real hidden meanings. Ugh. Rambling again.

In the IMs, we had discussed two very big issues (and neither in the depth that they deserved), so I sent an email tonight really giving my two cents’ worth on the trip-to-Pgh issue (and ignoring the other issue, which also needs to be addressed, but in due time, if that time should ever come).

The former issue, well, I discussed with Lab Rat last nite during a session of girl-roomie bonding. Which was nice. I’m still getting used to the whole living-with-someone thing, not that it’s bad but it’s still kind of a culture shock (probably more so for Maddie than for me, at any rate), but one of the positives to having a roomie is the built-in bonding time. We were both in the dumps for inverse reasons: her for the lack of a promising job but with a great relationship, and me for having a promising (somewhat) job but with no certainty about a relationship. LOL. We ranted and chilled out and eventually wore ourselves out. And today is a new and a better day for us both, but last night, we didn’t feel so alone in the world.

We talked of the need for familiarity — that it might not be Pittsburgh itself that we miss but rather the fact that all we knew and loved is no longer within physical reach or sight anymore. It’s disconcerting, when you think about it. I mean, I took the wrong lane on Van Dorn Street tonight and ended up on the Beltway going to Maryland. Took two wrong exits before I finally saw a sign for Richmond and headed south till I saw signs that jogged my overworked brain. In Pgh, that never would have happened; you could have done a U-Turn and gotten into the correct line of traffic without losing more than two minutes of your time. I put an extra 13 miles on the car tonight, when I only had an extra mile to go before I would have gotten home, had I not fucked up the Van Dorn thing. And I would have been able to get into the *correct* lane (illegally, at best), but a cop had just finished pulling someone over and was merging into the lane that I needed. LOL … I wasn’t about to cross over a yellow line at that point!!! An extra half-hour out of my life was worth not risking the ticket! LOL.

But long story finally over, this feeling of being so infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things is getting old. I want to fit in somewhere, anywhere. And maybe that’s a small part of my attraction to RK … not that he’s a native of the area, but because he can become something familiar and consistent in my life. An anchor, if you will. Pinhead always said the one who tamed me would win me. Maybe it’s time to calm the fuck down and hold on tightly, if this one will let me. Soothing the savage beast. Hah. We’ll see, friends. We’ll see. Till then, who thinks I should give The Artist Guy a call?!?!

Oh, BTW, don’t think me cruel for the reference to The Artist Guy. I am perturbed to death because the singles site where RK found my profile also contains a profile for him, and the site shows that he logs in, it seems, every day. In fact, every day, I log in to glance at his photos and brush up a bit on his profile (likes/dislikes), and every day, it says that there has been activity (i.e., a login) during the past 24 hours. And yesterday, it said that the profile had been UPDATED!!! WTF?!?! I have the profile practically memorized, so I didn’t see any changes, but nonetheless, what’s he doing updating his profile when he’s met the perfect woman in me? Ha ha. Don’t think me an idiot … we’re not serious (right now) so dating others is fine with me. BUT … that brings up issues I don’t even want to touch here. Ugh. I am not going to go where my mind just attempted to visit, but you all know, it’s scary out there. That, and I really hoped he would fall for me, the sooner, the better, because I think I’m falling for him.