Displacement.
Walked around feeling just weird today. Work was busy, and I’ve been scrambling to meet deadlines that I’ve missed by a mile.
At any rate, the real issue is that I’ve been feeling unsettled about things with RK. I know, I know it’s new and strange and uncertain at this point, and I just have to live with it. But I was feeling kind of displaced after two IM convos yesterday, re: a very personal issue and about a trip to Pittsburgh I’m taking this weekend, on which I invited him along. Neither convo was necessarily terrible; I realize we don’t know each other all that well yet, and without it being a face-to-face set of discussions, it’ s not really fair to either of us to not have the benefit of live reactions.
I love IMing because it’s a real-time convo, but emoticons just don’t cut it when you really want to know what he’s thinking, and likewise, you want him to know exactly what pot of thoughts are brewing in your mind. Although people have said I am gifted with verbal ability, I opt to believe my facial cues are what give me away. I was a P.R. person, and to a degree, I still am. It’s not that words are cheap with me, but for the love, I know how to be a spin doctor and I am not afraid to use those techniques when needed. That’s why I say little when I am experiencing true and powerful emotions. I don’t want to compromise those feelings by saying something just to say it. Or, for that matter, saying things that may be unpleasant by putting them in a pleasant light, a light that may blind the person in question as to the real hidden meanings. Ugh. Rambling again.
In the IMs, we had discussed two very big issues (and neither in the depth that they deserved), so I sent an email tonight really giving my two cents’ worth on the trip-to-Pgh issue (and ignoring the other issue, which also needs to be addressed, but in due time, if that time should ever come).
The former issue, well, I discussed with Lab Rat last nite during a session of girl-roomie bonding. Which was nice. I’m still getting used to the whole living-with-someone thing, not that it’s bad but it’s still kind of a culture shock (probably more so for Maddie than for me, at any rate), but one of the positives to having a roomie is the built-in bonding time. We were both in the dumps for inverse reasons: her for the lack of a promising job but with a great relationship, and me for having a promising (somewhat) job but with no certainty about a relationship. LOL. We ranted and chilled out and eventually wore ourselves out. And today is a new and a better day for us both, but last night, we didn’t feel so alone in the world.
We talked of the need for familiarity — that it might not be Pittsburgh itself that we miss but rather the fact that all we knew and loved is no longer within physical reach or sight anymore. It’s disconcerting, when you think about it. I mean, I took the wrong lane on Van Dorn Street tonight and ended up on the Beltway going to Maryland. Took two wrong exits before I finally saw a sign for Richmond and headed south till I saw signs that jogged my overworked brain. In Pgh, that never would have happened; you could have done a U-Turn and gotten into the correct line of traffic without losing more than two minutes of your time. I put an extra 13 miles on the car tonight, when I only had an extra mile to go before I would have gotten home, had I not fucked up the Van Dorn thing. And I would have been able to get into the *correct* lane (illegally, at best), but a cop had just finished pulling someone over and was merging into the lane that I needed. LOL … I wasn’t about to cross over a yellow line at that point!!! An extra half-hour out of my life was worth not risking the ticket! LOL.
But long story finally over, this feeling of being so infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things is getting old. I want to fit in somewhere, anywhere. And maybe that’s a small part of my attraction to RK … not that he’s a native of the area, but because he can become something familiar and consistent in my life. An anchor, if you will. Pinhead always said the one who tamed me would win me. Maybe it’s time to calm the fuck down and hold on tightly, if this one will let me. Soothing the savage beast. Hah. We’ll see, friends. We’ll see. Till then, who thinks I should give The Artist Guy a call?!?!
Oh, BTW, don’t think me cruel for the reference to The Artist Guy. I am perturbed to death because the singles site where RK found my profile also contains a profile for him, and the site shows that he logs in, it seems, every day. In fact, every day, I log in to glance at his photos and brush up a bit on his profile (likes/dislikes), and every day, it says that there has been activity (i.e., a login) during the past 24 hours. And yesterday, it said that the profile had been UPDATED!!! WTF?!?! I have the profile practically memorized, so I didn’t see any changes, but nonetheless, what’s he doing updating his profile when he’s met the perfect woman in me? Ha ha. Don’t think me an idiot … we’re not serious (right now) so dating others is fine with me. BUT … that brings up issues I don’t even want to touch here. Ugh. I am not going to go where my mind just attempted to visit, but you all know, it’s scary out there. That, and I really hoped he would fall for me, the sooner, the better, because I think I’m falling for him.