Caterwauling

Excuse me while I go into convulsions without my daily fix of Tiff, as our webhost has unceremoniously asked her to leave after some moron complained about how she (was ultimately forced to) protect her intellectual property. Tom gives the details here, so I won’t rehash it.

But what I will say is that I’m displeased at the handling of the situation and that I have had four enjoyable years with that company, but if that’s the way they’re going to react to someone who’s not been a loyal, paying customer, well, see ya. Holding data hostage (even temporarily)? I thought they were above that. Really.

Insofar as the hotlinking issue, the Internet is not a creative place, sadly. Everyone’s always ripping off each others’ ideas and thoughts and now intellectual property. So, when said owner has tap-danced and asked nicely (repeatedly) to little avail, she had to take drastic measures (I say “drastic” tongue-in-cheek). So the image the hotlinkers saw wasn’t puppies and rainbows. That was the POINT, to scare off the thieves.

What Tom points out about bandwidth costs is an issue I struggle with because I like to provide large files on occasion. I don’t ask you to right-click-save-as for my health; it’s just my subtle way of saying that I’m willing to pay the bandwidth costs to host the larger files, but not willing to pay extra so you can stream them as well.

The point of weblogs, to me, is so that we can get a sort of kalidescope glimpse into other people’s lives. Sure, we will never get to see 100% of their personalities, but it’s through image files and audio and video and good old-fashioned storytelling that the otherwise-unknowns among us have not only a creative outlet, but also a way of putting our mark on the world — of not getting lost among the crowd — of being as special as our moms always told us we were. 😉

If someone tries to rob you in “real life” and you fight back, it’s self-defense. Likewise, if you go to lengths to protect your webspace and the contents of it, bravo. And if your hosting company is going to cave all pussy-like to some dumb bitch who was trying to STEAL an image in the first place, well, let me just say this. For all the business Tiff has given them and referred to them, well, we’re all happy to skip out the door behind her.

UPDATE

I turned off the comments but I brought them back. This entry is likely long forgotten, and that’s wonderful, but I think the discussion is worth reading/continuing.

As seen at Irk’s:

Your Stripper Song Is

Closer by Nine Inch Nails “You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no Soul to tell” When you dance, it’s a little scary – and a lot sexy.

What Song Should You Strip To?

Princess Cat tagged me about a thousand years ago to get me to share five idiosyncracies. It’s taken me this long to figure them out because how the hell was I to know that I’m not normal?!?! 😉

1. Down escalators freak me the fuck out. I mean, holy vertigo issues. I don’t mind heights (I rather love them, actually) and I have no problem ascending, but descents drive me nuts. Given the choice, I will ALWAYS take the stairs instead.

2. Fashion nonsense is the name of the game in my world — I must feel dressed up and yet dressed down at all times.

I have a serious, psychotic adoration of denim and would wear it to work if it wouldn’t make the baby Jesus cry. But beyond that, I insist on dressing up when I’m wearing jeans (trendy shirts, shoes, blazers are a MUST, along with great jewelry). The weird part? I prefer to wear sneakers with suits. It’s complete and utter rebellion, to look classier in jeans than I do in a suit. I figure, I stuffed my ass into a pair of pantyhose — what more do people want from me? 😉

3. Singing with a Southern drawl — for the record, I cannot sing, but when I’m belting out tunes at top volume in the car, I somehow sound like a (talentless) country singer. The hell?

4. Indifference, even if only on the surface — This is less a quirk than a deficiency, but I am the person who stops hugging first, who walks away without a single glance over my shoulder, who kicks and claws for air even though that might be the very last thing on earth that I want to do. Not to say I won’t intellectualize it to death after the fact, but I have a very, very hard time being affectionate with people, and I won’t do it if I don’t mean it — and, so far in my life, I probably won’t succumb to it even if I do.

5. BUT … I can be affectionate with strangers. How odd is that? I might cozy up to people I don’t know and tell them my life story or pat their hands and hug them and playfully whack them if they say something funny. Take me to a happy hour and get me talking (that’s the hard part — getting me to open my mouth and not manage to insert a shoe or two), and it’s like all the pent-up thoughts and emotions exit at once. Just as long as I don’t have to see those people again, ever, or at least anytime soon.

And we wonder why I don’t have many offline friends. 😉

Reader Poll Monday returns!

1. How did you ring in 2006?
I awakened at 12:02 a.m. to my voice mail chiming from my best friend Shan, who’s three time zones behind me. I called my Mom first and then called Shan back (as the latter call went on for HOURS). So, I welcomed the new year by talking to the people I love most on this earth — not too shabby.

2. How did you ring in 2000?
I was probably drunk — my friend Steve used to throw the BEST parties. Although I might have spent it with my family that year. Seriously, life in my 20s was a total blur!

3. So far, which has been your favorite way to ring in a new year?
Drunk. And with friends. I love being the party hostess, though — I don’t drink nearly enough if I’m not at home. I used to like going out dancing and trying to find a cab to take us to an all-night diner afterward. Although, in my 20s, those kinds of nights were called Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. Ah, memories. …

4. Do you usually make resolutions?
I don’t make them with the intent of waking up the next morning and implementing them. I do a lot of, “By this time next year, I will have accomplished (fill in the blank).” A bunch of us tried to quit smoking one year, so we smoked two full packs each at the New Year’s party. And then we kept smoking after midnight, so there went THAT resolution that year!

5. If not, why? If so, do you keep them?
I found that I keep them if I trudge through January (and truly shake off the *ick* of the previous year) and then start fresh on Feb. 1. I always start a diet that day. Which means I can have lots of carbs and other miscellanous junk until then!

6. Do you do anything superstitious at the stroke of midnight?
I make a wish. Always, always, always.

And I don’t do this anymore, but my great-grandmother always had us in the habit of putting shiny silver quarters outside for when the clock struck midnight — and you were never to spend those coins that year, because they were sort of like your good-luck charm. But now that quarters = laundry money, I can’t keep them intact when I need fresh scandalous undies. 😉

7. Did you know that we were all given an extra leap second this year? Did you use it wisely?
I got an extra second of sleep. Whee.

8. Do you have any new year’s day traditions?
Tradition went out the window this year. My grandmother always insisted that we have pork and sauerkraut for luck. I refuse to do laundry or cleaning — something about an old wives’ tale that you’ll spend your whole year cleaning up messes (your own or others’). And hoo boy, I’ve seen it happen, so I don’t lift a finger anymore!

9. What are you most looking forward to this year?
My mom, in her infinite psychic wisdom, swears that February is going to bring a HUGE change in my life. Here’s to hoping it’s a positive one — so I guess I’m looking forward to that, whatever it is.

I’m looking forward to scraping up enough money to visit my friend Shan and to find a new apartment. I’ve not had to do my (long) commute to work in more than a week, and while it’s not a terrible drive, I certainly didn’t miss it.

It’s going to be a year of making long-awaited dreams come true, I promise you that.

10. Ask me something.
Think you’ll ever make it to San Francisco (to live), or are you happy in NYC for the time being?

Welcome to the first Carnival of the Recipes for 2006! (Well, it was technically supposed to be the last one for 2005, but I have no concept of meeting deadlines. I am also a journalist. Go figure!) 😉

Before we begin, I wanted to make the place look festive for company. And thus, I’m sharing my recipe for Pretzel Wreaths, as my mom and I used to make these together a hundred years ago, and now they’re something I do to feel close to Mom even though she’s 250 miles away. These are great to give away in festive little baggies to neighbors and colleagues.

Pretzel Wreaths

You’ll need:

Mini pretzels
Almond bark
Heavy whipping cream
Long, thin strands of cherry licorice

I prefer to use a fondue pot to melt the almond bark (you can use it at the dining room table, as opposed to a double boiler on the stove, where you have to stand while you assemble). I also insist on almond bark — I used white chocolate pieces this year and am disappointed in the consistency.

Use the occasional drop or two of heavy whipping cream and a whisk to ensure the bark stays smooth. If it gets lumpy, add a drop of vegetable oil and whisk away.

What you’ll do is use two layers of pretzels — I like to use six in each row. Arrange them on waxed paper with the tops of the pretzels touching but not overlapping. Dip the top halves in the bark and return to the waxed paper.

Repeat with a second row of pretzels, only this time alternate the positioning (i.e., the top row of pretzels should span two pretzels on the bottom). While the bark is still soft, use red and green sprinkles to decorate your wreath.

Finally, take licorice (I love the cherry Pull ‘n Peel Twizzlers) and thread through the ends of the pretzels. For this size wreath, I used three strands — two for threading and one to attach a licorice bow to the top of the wreath.

TIME FOR CINDERELLA TO BE ON HER WAY TO THE BALL

In any event, I was thinking about the holiday season and realized that you just can’t have it without circles like wreaths, and also balls. (Get your minds out of the gutter, people!)

But think about it — we make tons of cookies and appetizers and side dishes, and everything starts as a lovely, one-inch circle before it bakes up all bubbly and chewy and tasty. We put glass balls on our Christmas trees. Even mistletoe comes in a ball (although the sprig is prettier, but you get the idea).

And let’s not forget the most important ball of all — the one we eagerly await to signify the proverbial “out with the old, in with the new” — the New Year’s Eve ball! (OK, so it’s an apple — more on apples later. …)

So, without further ado, I invite you to kick off your party shoes, grab an eggnog and have a — you guessed it — ball with these scrumptious recipes submitted by our various chefs in honor of the occasion!

Let the countdown begin …

APPETIZERS AND SIDES

As traditional as lighting candles and buying presents, most everyone looks forward to having Cocktail Meatballs, which kicks off our list, courtesy of Nic over at Shoes, Ships and Sealing Wax. She gives away the “secret sauce” that always stuns people when they find out that it only has two ingredients. 🙂

Beth, who’s also online here, gives us a variation on the theme — she uses cranberry sauce instead of the grape jelly:

Sweet and Sour Meatballs

Meatballs
1 can jellied cranberry sauce
1 bottle chili sauce

Heat together, dump in cooked meatballs (I really cheat and buy the precooked frozen meatballs) and heat together.

From someone who knows how much I love this particular cooking category, we get Meatballs a la Victor over at Publius & Co. Mmm, spinach.

In Mad about Meatballs, Riannan gives us another variation on meatballs — this reminds me of my grandmother’s recipe, because the beef broth really pumps up the flavor.

Personally, I can’t wait to try Tiff and Tom’s lamb meatballs in a tomato-curry sauce. Yum!

Not everyone eats meat or, if we’re all resolving to eat more healthily in the new year, a good place to start is with Spaghetti and Mock Meatballs, contributed by my buddy Bill, who keeps those healthy resolutions through tasty dishes like this.

Be still, my heart — Savory Cheese Truffles from Everything and Nothing. Seriously, cheese — who doesn’t love a recipe with cheese?

Coon (Procyon lotor) Balls from KeeWee’s Corner. The name intrigued me — it sounded like something out of a Smithsonian exhibit at first. But sausage fans rejoice — it’s a recipe you’ll love!

Like it a little less spicy? Silver Blue’s Sausage Balls will hit the spot instead. John’s spicy enough without the hot sauce. 😉

Not into sausage or ground beef? Try salmon, courtesy of Beth:

Salmonettes

1 15 ounce can salmon
1 whole egg
1 heaping teaspoon baking powder
� cup flour

Drain salmon reserving juice. Combine drained salmon, egg, and mix with fork. Add flour and mix. Add salt to taste. Measure out � cup salmon juice and discard the rest. Add the baking powder to the juice and beat with fork until it foams. Mix into salmon. Roll into small balls and deep fry.

Meat and chocolate are the main staples of Caterwauling, so recipes for Holiday Meat and Chocolate Balls from Martin are a perfect addition to the list!

Several of you have asked me for my mom’s world-famous Stuffing Balls, for which friends and relatives from all over will drop by the house after stuffing themselves silly at their OWN dinners to snack on because yes, they’re THAT GOOD!

Mom’s Stuffing Balls

Celery (mince ’em up well)
Onions (mince ’em up well)
1 loaf fresh bread (Mom uses bakery bread; I prefer Italian)
Salt
Pepper
Celery seed
Dried parsley
Dried sage
2 eggs
Chicken broth
As much butter as you can stand

My grandmother was Italian, and one thing we always learned was to count NOTHING — not measurements, and CERTAINLY not calories.

Line a cookie sheet with foil. Cube the bread and spread it along the foil. Sprinkle with all the seasonings except for sage. Melt some butter and drizzle lightly along bread. Toast till slightly browned.

Meanwhile, saute the celery and onions (in butter). When the onions are translucent and the bread has been toasted, combine in a large mixing bowl. In a separate bowl, whisk together two eggs and add to bread/sauteed mixture. Add sage here.

Combine all, form into 2″ balls.

In a large skillet, break out the butter and carefully line up the balls. Be careful when flipping/rotating them — they are prone to fall apart early on in the cooking cycle.

Fry until they’re to your desired level of doneness (I like them slightly crispy), all the while adding tiny drops of chicken broth and milk (go easy on those — less is definitely more, else you’ll lose that yummy butter flavor and crispiness) to keep the balls from drying out.

And for as good as they are when you cook them, they taste 10 times better the next day!

My good (non-blogging) friend Angie gives us a recipe for Parmesan Spinach Balls, which uses stuffing for consistency:

Parmesan Spinach Balls

2 (10 ounce) packages frozen chopped spinach, thawed and drained
2 cups Italian-style seasoned bread crumbs
1 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 cup butter, melted
4 small green onion, finely chopped
4 eggs, lightly beaten salt and pepper to taste

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees

2. In a medium bowl, mix the frozen chopped spinach, Italian-style seasoned bread crumbs, Parmesan cheese, butter, green onion, eggs, salt and pepper. Shape the mixture into 1 inch balls.

3. Arrange the balls in a single layer on a large baking sheet. Bake in the preheated oven 10 to 15 minutes, until lightly browned. Yields: 10 servings.

DON’T FORGET THE DIPS

No, I’m not talking about forgetting to invite your redneck relatives to the party (they show up uninvited anyway because they know there’s food in them-thar kitchens!). I’m talking about those centerpiece-quality spreads that transform ordinary crackers into little tiny plates of joy.

I’m going to invite myself to Silver Blue’s house, because someone needs to sample all of these great recipes! John will let us help ourselves to a Tasty Ham Ball, Chicken Ball, Veggie Ball and Dried Beef Cheese Ball.

And in my house, I feel it is my right as hostess to laugh when the biggest (human) cheese balls at the party dig into the cheese balls on the pretty platters. Because it’s proof positive that you ARE what you eat!

Beth would make my mom proud with this one:

Salmon Spread Cheeseball

1 small can of salmon
1 teaspoon lemon juice
2 8-ounce packages cream cheese

Drain salmon and pick out bones and skin and discard. Mix salmon, lemon juice and cream cheese together. Form into a ball and sprinkle with chives. Serve with crackers or rye rounds.

Editor’s note: My Mom makes it with that new pre-packaged smoked salmon that’s in the canned fish aisle, and she swears by adding fresh parsley to it.

I make tons of dips throughout the year, and I’m one of those people who NEVER remembers how I made it the last time because I don’t write it down. So bear with me, I’m giving you my horseradish dip ingredients and telling you to use as much as you like to fit your tastes:

Cheesy Bacon Horseradish Dip

Cream cheese, softened
Bacon, crumbled (*real* bacon, fried up in all its greasy glory)
Shredded cheddar cheese
Horseradish (I use extra hot)

Cream all ingredients together — toss into the freezer for an hour. Form into a ball; roll in crushed pecans and surround with crackers.

SWEET TOOTH

As a way to cope with dysfunctional family gatherings, nothing’s better than whipping up a few batches of what I like to call “booze balls.” It’s always fun to feed them to the teetotalers who need a drink more than any of us. 😉

From Angie, we have Chocolate Chip Eggnog Balls, which are no-bake cookies with cream cheese, spiced dough, chocolate chips and an outer coating of pecans:

Chocolate Chip Eggnog Balls

2 (3 ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
4 cups sifted confectioners’ sugar
1 tablespoon heavy cream
1 teaspoon brandy
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 cup miniature semisweet chocolate chips
1 1/4 cups finely chopped pecans

1. In a large bowl, cream together the cream cheese and confectioners’ sugar. Beat in the heavy cream and brandy. Combine the salt, cinnamon and nutmeg, stir into the cream cheese mixture along with the mini chips to form a smooth dough. Drop by rounded spoonfuls onto a cookie sheet. Chill for 5 minutes.

2. Roll the chilled dough into balls and roll them in the chopped pecans to coat completely. Yields: 42 servings.

Missouri Mud Balls from Morning Coffee & Afternoon Tea. These are kid-friendly and use oats. I am going to have to try these because, seriously, yum.

Rum Balls from Punctilious. It’s neat how these have become such a tradition in so many families, yet we all make them in a variety of different ways. I’m also fascinated by the stories behind how our recipes came to be, and you’ll find one of those here.

Chocolate Rum Balls (and Chocolate Bourbon Balls) courtesy of John at Silver Blue.

If you ever want to shut me up, you can feed me Chocolate Truffles. Thanks to Tink for the submission!

Beth shares with us her recipe for Mexican Wedding Cookies:

Mexican Wedding Cookies

1 cup soft butter
� cup sifted confectioners sugar
� teaspoon salt
1 � teaspoons vanilla
2 tablespoons water
2 � cups flour
1 cup chopped nuts

Cream butter, sugar, and salt until light and fluffy. Blend in water and vanilla. Stir in flour and nuts. Chill dough for 30 minutes for easy handling. Shape chilled dough in small balls and place on an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake at 350 for 12-15 minutes or until cream colored. While still warm roll in confectioners sugar. Cool and roll again in confections sugar.

I’m going to share my own personal recipe for “Dirt Balls,” as I like to call them. My grandfather loves these:

Dawn’s Dirt Balls

17 Oreo cookies (regular, no double-stuffed)
3/4 cup finely chopped pecans
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
3 tablespoons Kahlua
1/2 cup powdered sugar
1.5 teaspoons vanilla
A few dashes of cinnamon

Toss the Oreos into a Ziploc bag (and the pecans into a separate bag) and crush ’em. Some people use food processors; I personally like to hammer the bags with a meat tenderizer to take out my frustrations. Cooking is fun!

Measure out 1.5 cups of the crushed cookies and mix with the remaining ingredients.

Optional: I like to refrigerate the dough for an hour — it’s easier to work with.

Form into 1″ balls.

Roll balls in remaining cookie crumbs OR dip in melted chocolate OR roll in sprinkles/jimmies. I use orange/black around Halloween and roll them in finely crushed nuts when I want them to be “healthier.” Hah. 😉

Store in airtight container with waxed paper between the layers.

BONUS

All you have to do to change the recipe is to change the liqueur and type of cookie. I also love Amaretto Balls — in which case the 17 Oreos become 29 Vanilla Wafers and the Kahlua becomes Amaretto. Either cookie type is lovely with Bailey’s Irish Cream, too.

I actually developed my Dirt Balls recipe after tasting my friend Angie’s Kahlua Balls. I never asked for the recipe (until this Carnival), so I present (first) her Amaretto round-cookie recipe as well as her Kahlua Balls and Rum Balls. (Yes, we loves us some spirits!)

Amaretto Butter Balls

1 cup butter
1/2 cup confectioners’ sugar
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup amaretto liqueur
3/4 cup finely chopped almonds (optional)
1/2 cup confectioners’ sugar for rolling

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. In a medium bowl, cream together the butter and 1/2 cup confectioners’ sugar until smooth. Stir in the flour and salt until well blended, then mix in the Amaretto liqueur. Fold in chopped almonds if desired. Roll the dough into walnut sized balls. Place the cookies 2 inches apart onto the cookie sheet.

3. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven. Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely. Roll cookies in remaining 1/2 cup confectioners’ sugar while still warm.

Yields: 24 servings

Kahlua Balls

2 1/2 c Oreos; crushed
1 c Nuts; chopped fine
1 c Powdered sugar
1/3 c Kahlua
2 tb Dark corn syrup
Powdered sugar

Combine crushed oreo cookie crumbs, nuts and powdered sugar in a large bowl. Add Kahlua and corn syrup. Mix well. Shape into 1″ balls; roll in powdered sugar. Place in airtight container and chill overnight.

NOTE: Creme de cacao may be used in place of Kahlua.

Yields: 36 servings

No-Bake Rum Balls

A holiday favorite! Try using brandy in place of the rum.

2 1/2 cups crushed vanilla wafers
1 cup confectioners’ sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa powder
1 cup chopped walnuts
3 tablespoons dark corn syrup
1/4 cup rum

1. In a medium sized bowl, mix together the vanilla wafers, cocoa and sugar. Stir in the chopped walnuts, corn syrup and rum. Mix until well blended.

2. Form dough into 2 inch balls and roll in confectioners’ sugar. Store in covered tin. Yields: 36 servings.

My buddy Beth submitted a similar Rum Ball recipe, which I won’t duplicate but I do have to share my favorite line from it: “Calories: Unknown, and after about 10, who cares? ;)” Beth also notes that you can roll the balls in cocoa or in ground chocolate. I like the way she thinks!

Beth also has a family-friendly recipe using Oreo cookies:

Oreo Cookie Balls

Crush 1 package of Oreo Cookies in a food processor
Transfer to mixing bowl
Mix in 8 oz cream cheese
Form into balls and refrigerate
Dip in white baking chocolate (I added 1 Tablespoon of shortening to the white chocolate and then melted in microwave.)

Refrigerate prior to serving. Makes about 3 1/2 dozen. Enjoy!!!

Now that we’ve gotten the ball (ha!) rolling, Beth knows a thing or two about the Buckeye State, and she submits one of my FAVORITE cookies, Buckeyes:

Buckeyes

1/2 cup butter melted
1 cup peanut butter
1 3/4 to 2 cups powdered sugar
1 16 ounce pkg. chocolate chips
1/4 bar paraffin wax

Mix butter, peanut butter and sugar and roll into small balls. Chill for a few hours or overnight for better results. Melt the chocolate chips and wax in a double boiler. Using a toothpick, dip peanut butter ball into the melted chocolate leaving a small area at the top of the “buckeye.” Place on waxed paper until firm. May be stored in the refrigerator.

SilverBlue has a different recipe for Peanut Butter Balls, which sounds good because all this working with hot chocolate dipping sauces just keeps you from eating the cookies, and these are ready-to-serve almost immediately!

AFTER THE BALL

Now that we’ve made enough bite-size appetizers and desserts for our guests to snack on while they’re roaming and networking with the other fabulous guests you’ve invited, we can move on to other holiday-themed dishes. Pin up your hair and breathe in the fragrance of fruits, spices, coffees and various other dishes that you’d prefer your guests be sitting down to enjoy. 😉

SUGAR AND SPICE …

Apples go hand-in-hand with the holidays as well. People flock to the Big Apple to freeze their behinds off and to watch the big, apple-shaped ball drop. For those of us who avoid the crowds, staying at home and cooking with apples a lovely way to add festive fragrance to our kitchens as those treats disappear in less time than it took us to prepare them!

You can almost taste the pie in the photo provided of Lattice-Top Apple Pie from Blonde Sagacity!

Apple Pie Cake and Rum Butter Sauce from The Bitch Girls sounds like music to my taste buds.

Ginger Gingerbread Bundt Cake from Triticale will unquestionably add some spice to your life.

It has fruit, so it HAS to be healthy, right? 🙂 All hail the Raspberry Souffle from Mensa Barbie.

… AND EVERYTHING NICE

Black-Eyed Peas aren’t just a great pop group, but they’re also a longtime new year’s tradition in the South. Dubious Wonder ensures we will have good luck for the year to come.

It’s always good luck when you can breathe life into holiday leftovers with Split Pea Soup, as prepared by Sun Comprehending Glass.

In my family, we eat Italian foods for luck (and because they’re tasty). So, fire up some Friday Night Pizza a la Life in a Shoe!

This is a 3-for-1 recipe collection (Berghoff Sour Cocktail, Creamed Spinach and Ragout a la Deutsch) at The Glittering Eye, from the soon-to-be-closed Berghoff Restaurant in Chicago.

Wayne’s Mom gives us recipes as well as a video fill our tummies and warm our hearts this season.

In her words: “During his four-day pass for Christmas, Sgt. West started the round of holiday visits with Myron and me at the home of Blair and Leslie Bingham, my brother and sister-in-law who live in Jackson, Miss.

“Click here to watch a short video of Wayne introducing our favorites: Padow’s Country Ham and Les’s Famous Christmas Cream Cheese Braids.”

DRINKS

Sure, we talked about apples earlier, but these drinks deserved a category of their own:

Mulled Cider from Meanderings will make your season bright.

Everybody’s Irish with a Cup o’ th’ Irish as created by Blog d’Elisson.

LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST …

I saved Kevin at Techno Gypsy for last so I can segue into promoting the next carnival, because he’s graciously agreed to host it. (I’m just clever like that. Ha.) 😉

He and his mom have been cooking up a storm this holiday season, so he has lots of goodies to make and stories to tell.

First comes Mom, Apple Pie and Lamb. (Editor’s note: Now, for those of you whose minds are planted squarely in the gutter like mine, Mom is not an ingredient. 🙂 This is a 2-for-1 recipe deal for Lamb Roast and for Kevin’s Mom’s Apple Pie.)

They also made Kolace (cookies with cheese filling and cherries), Tourtierre (meat pie), Chergies (fried dough) , and Venison Bulgoi.

And they’re making more for next week, so stay tuned!

YOU’RE INVITED TO THE NEXT CARNIVAL!

Fear not, kids — the circus is leaving town but it’s a traveling one. Next week, we’ll be celebrating “Russian Christmas” over at Techno Gypsy. To make a submission, send it to recipe-dot-carnival-at-gmail-dot-c0m. The deadline is noon Central on Saturday.

SO LONG FROM THE BELLE OF THIS BALL

And with that, I am handing over my apron and chef’s hat to Kevin and making myself a cocktail (or 10). The best part about these carnivals? That there’s no cleanup afterward. 🙂

Have a joyous and prosperous 2006, and thanks for playing. See you when we wake up from the food coma!

*Updated to give away music and to note that I’ll be sporadically adding miscellaneous drunken rants at random to the end of this post. Like having a conversation at a bar with me. Lucky you! Only, you don’t get to hook up with me, because I am the only one at this bar tonight. So, not-so-lucky you. 😉 *

Let the debauchery commence!

That’d be two bottles of riesling, a bottle of merlot and a bottle of chardonnay.

If I’m still alive after this, I have a whole freezer full of Skyy, Tangueray, Irish Mist and Kahlua.

If this doesn’t help my novel, then nothing will!

UPDATES

10:25 p.m. Eastern:

Half a bottle of Merlot? Gone. Cheeks? Flushed. Ability to sit upright? Not bad so far.

The nicest thing I have to say about my novel? The words are in consecutive order. All sentences have a subject and a verb — just not, oftentimes, a point. But hey, nobody ever said all 50,000 words had to be COHERENT!

10:30 p.m. Eastern:

I foresee posting some songs tonight. And opening another bottle really, really soon. …

11:45 p.m. Eastern:

Who wants tunage?!?!

12:12 a.m. Eastern:

I stopped with the family at the Starbucks in Breezewood, Pa. I had my first gingerbread latte of the season, after being told just yesterday in Virginia that the holiday stuff wasn’t yet available. Hah. In addition to my gingerbread, the manager brought out sample cups of the eggnog latte for my mom, grandfather and me. Mom hates coffee, so I had hers. 😉

This November is goddamned mystical compared to last year. And even in and of itself. Last year, I didn’t get any of my beloved seasonal holiday coffees because I was so broke. It’s amazing how being deprived of life’s pleasures, big and small, not to mention life’s necessities can screw with your head.

I’m one of those people who takes pleasure in the details — warm, 71-degree days like today, driving with the sunroof open, having not one but both of my favorite lattes today, meeting my family (from 250 miles away) at a halfway point for lunch, a nice bottle of red wine, driving through the Appalachians and seeing oceans of trees and leaves in myriad colors.

During my drive to work — after the Pentagon exit from I-395 , specifically, where the ramp crosses over and drops down onto the George Washington Parkway — I always, always take a moment to look at the Potomac River, the Washington Monument, Kennedy Center and, now, seven trees in a row to my right that are just bursting with orangey-red leaves. Every day, I smile at that juncture. I can’t help it.

Unfortunately, the leaves are crisp and bland this year — lots of old chewing-gum pinks and burnt-sienna shades. No firey reds or lemon yellows or day-glo oranges. No, it’s like I want to take a bottle of baby oil and moisturize the brittle leaves — anything to make them look healthy.

I had a funny experience today. I am always playing with the truckers when I’m driving — they see a young(ish) lass in a tiny blue sports car with a vanity plate (do any of them REALLY know what a blog is, though? I’m getting sick of people mispronouncing it and asking what one is), and honk and flirt.

I had this one truck that was with me for probably a good 50 miles, between Bumfuck Egypt Maryland and Breezewood. We kept passing each other, kept honking as we did it, kept waving. I couldn’t see the driver — my little car sits a couple inches off the ground — I can’t see over my sunroof to catch the face of an 18-wheeler’s driver.

But before I blew off the road in Breezewood, I very obviously stood up and stuck my head out the sunroof (at 45 mph. Nobody ever said I did smart things!). And I would SWEAR it was a chick!

No big deal — I’m easy like that. I honked and waved, and off I went to see the family. It was just nice to have a friend on the road and not somebody trying to mow me down and kill me.

Speaking of which. …

Note to assclown drivers:

You wanna ride behind me and high-beam me when I’m driving 85 mph in the slow lane? Fucking DIE. When you want to blind me, I’m gonna flip down my mirror and ride my brake till you get smart and pass me. Which, good luck — I am one of those bitches who will speed up just so you can’t get in front of me. Also, I just LURRRVE when you DO pass me and you have to slam on your brake because I wasn’t the one driving all granny-like. Suckers.

1:04 a.m. Eastern:

I keep leaving Woo Hoo! comments all over the blogs of other drunken writers tonight. Like, woo hoo! Look what a couple of $20 bottles of wine does to me. Do to me. Fuck grammar — I don’t fuckin’ know. I know, I know — no correcting. But nobody said I couldn’t question!

Was just over at Suzanne’s and saw that she FINISHED NANOWRIMO. Like, done, fini, blew the 50K words the hell outta the water. Congratulations and HOLY SHIT. I only have like a bajillion more incoherent stupid-ass fucked-up thoughts to write. Hooray.

She had a great counter that i so totally have to steal. So that you can see my non-progress as it’s not happening:

8,903 / 50,000 (17.8%)

1:15 a.m. Eastern:

Fuck.

I hate Chapter Three. Fucking abhor the fucking thing. It’s like “factdump.” It’s “Yeah I guess I need to set up this future shit so I might as well have everybody all talk to each other and shit so whoop-dee-fuckin’-doo let’s have everybody discuss their widdle iddy biddy feelings. FEELINGS! ARGH!!!

I hate feelings. I hate being vulnerable. I hate making my beautiful, wonderful lead character have to make herself so raw and exposed — she’s so me, so controlled, so detached, so blase on the surface.

There’s a small-potatoes character who is her enemy. Somebody she helped to put in jail. Somebody she detests with every fiber of her being. I was telling my mom about this mysterious character and she said, “Oh, you must have named him X.” And I was all like, “Yeah, I know you’re psychic and all, but Jesus H, you know my book character names?” and she’s all, “Um, if you’re torturing this character, all I have to do is look at everyone you’ve ever known for possible names.”

She’s right. She’s always right.

The names mean things to me. I don’t just arbitrarily pick character names. Everybody and everything has a place.

The thing I’ve always said about having kids when you’re my age or older is that you can go through baby names websites for 10 months and you cannot come up with the name that you love — the name that you don’t associate with ANYONE you’ve ever known in your day. I joke that that’s reason enough to not even want to have kids — you’re going to name them after someone who annoyed you on a minor level as opposed to a major level, if you can.

But my character — ah, my Stephanie. I love her. Love, love, love her. Her name is the only one that hasn’t changed since the book series inception in 1988.

That came from my fucking French classes. Gah. We were all forced to pick a “French” name — I couldn’t just be Dawn. Worse, I couldn’t be some fucking TRANSLATION of Dawn, even though my name is present in EVERY GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING LANGUAGE THAT WAS EVER CONCEIVED. Like, sunshine and shit, ya know?

But no, I couldn’t even be something dumb like Aurore, because we had a Fucking French Foreign Exchange Student named Aurore.

Now, tell me, Why the FUCK would an exchange student come to Armpit America, USA and take her own language as a for-credit class? What a waste. Snotty French Bitch. Probably wore crepes as tampons, she was so stuck-up.

But I became Stephanie. I hated that, though. My dumbass teacher had to say it with accents and shit. “Stay-fon-EEEE” was what she would call me. Dumb freaking asshole. She had a Polish last name — who the hell did she think she was, making me all Fake French when she was a pierogie with hands and feet?

Ah, that reminds me of Darvin. I adored him — we were French Class Fuckups. Seriously, both of us were so smart, we drove Pierogie Lady nuts. And we always had our heads together. Everyone thought we were dating. If he didn’t have an infant son, I probably would’ve gladly gone along with it (I always had a thing about not dating guys with kids — long story).

But God, we talked all the time. He always called. That drove my grandmother nuts. I never really wanted to know why.

Anyway, Pierogie was asking “la classe” what the French term is for a social error. Now, I knew it was a faux pas. I’m sure Darvin did too. But when she called on him (I forget his French name), he didn’t respond because he wasn’t paying attention and none of us were quick enough to respond to the fucking fake names we had for three years with her.

So she got his attention and asked again. His answer? Fucking brilliant.

“Fook Oop.”

We sat together, and it took everything in me to keep from grabbing him and making out with him. I loved it. (Fook Oop = Fuck Up)

Some chick named Cindi (with an I. We had tons of fucked-up Cindy spellings in school. We had a few Cyndis — after Cyndi Lauper. Not by birth but by choice. Sweet Jesus.) sat on my other side, and she poked me and, in a stage whisper, asked, “Did he just say FUCKUP?”

Which everyone heard.

Ah, I guess I did apparently have fun in high school. Who knew?

1:42 a.m. Eastern:

Good lord in heaven, I’m watching “Laguna Beach.” And I’m almost into it.

Novel? What novel? I haven’t looked at it in HOURS.

2:13 a.m. Eastern:

Stick a fork (or anything, really) in me — I’m done.

‘Nite all. See ya again next year!

Packed weekend — full of friends, fun and food. What more could a girl ask for? Or, as I like to call it, living life instead of blogging about not having one. 😉

See, not all bloggers are dorks with no lives — we dorks DO have lives, thankyouverymuch. 😉

SATURDAY NIGHT’S ALL RIGHT

Really enjoyed a blogmeet at the Union Street in Old Town — I mean, how many times in your life do you get to stroll into a restaurant and announce that you are with the Llama party? 😀

The thing is, I’ve done various blogmeets, and it’s a toss-up whether you will walk away with a bigger blogroll (which I did) or whether you can’t read a blog again because its owner spends way too much time writing and not enough time polishing basic social skills.

Before JournalCon last year, I’d had images in my mind of some people as I read them — I’d thought their prose was dazzling and stuff. But I found that some, you’d want to have a drink with. The rest? You’d want to pour a drink on.

But alas, Saturday night’s company was way too good, and looking at my blogroll (separated into “Friends” — people I’ve met — and “Imaginary Friends” — people I can’t believe I haven’t met yet), that was the night that nearly tipped the scales in favor of me actually knowing more cool kids behind their cool blogs than not. Now to move more names up into the “people I know” column!

IF YOU AREN’T READING THESE PEOPLE, CLICK THROUGH — I’LL SAY ‘YOU’RE WELCOME’ WHEN YOU COME BACK

I didn’t talk much because I was so ridiculously fascinated with this magnanimous crew — talk about the walls bursting with enough IQ points to solar power D.C. for the next decade — wow!

I mean, we all know I think Ted is brilliant, but you know you’re in for an evening of pure entertainment when you put him in a room with other such grand personalities as resident Llama Rob and honorary Llamas John (who assembled this outing from Texas), Maximum Leader, Princess Cat, Lysander, my buddy Buckethead and Matt (I’ll be expecting a blog debut from him by our next meetup!).

I hear Nic would like to get the masses together for a Caps game — count me in!

BECAUSE A DAY WITHOUT ME BITCHING? A SYMBOL OF THE END OF THE WORLD. ALLOW ME TO VENT, SIMPLY TO SAVE THE PLANET

The only lowlight to the evening was the fact that there was a table with a frillion little children next to us. (I swear, I said a prayer when I saw big bowls of ice cream being served to them — I curse you, sugar fiends!) I actually became so frazzled by their shrieking that I actually had to go downstairs — to the bar to get a little piece and quiet. Yes, you read that right. 😉

Just before I fled (temporarily, of course), I was happily splitting my attention between two ridiculously riveting conversations when I started fantastizing about assaulting one of the moms. All the kids were at one end of the table and the adults comprised the other half, and the adults were doing a spectacular job of not noticing their brood. (As were the classy folks at my table — I guess when you have kids, you become much more patient. Single people like me with only four-pawed critters? More apt to let them play with a case of Mace.)

But this one mom — sheesh. She apologized to the other party in the room we shared (not to us), saying, “Sorry if they are getting on your nerves. They get on ours, too.”

The hell?!?! Control them, then! Fool.

It was hard, but I really resisted pelting her with a salmon cake. 😉

SPEAKING OF INANIMATE OBJECTS

No, I’m not talking about FEMA — I’m talking about rocks (and not the ones in Mike Brown’s head).

I got a hot-stone massage this weekend. It was brief, as I am not made of money and cannot afford to pay to be molested by strangers for long periods of time (*damn*). I am so totally going to have to budget for it (less cat food-buying, of course — my girls shit way too much as it is).

ONE LAST THING

Ate at the brand-new Dogfish Head restaurant. The prime rib was fabulous, as was the Punkin Ale. Back in the days, I used to go out in the fields to go pumpkin-picking. Fuck that shit — I’d rather order it up from the comfort of a nice, warm barstool.

There are a few Delaware locations, but if you’re up for hiking up to Gaithersburg, Md., Dogfish provided us with great service, fantastic food and even better specialty beers.

Mom has now called me twice to ask me to refresh her with the name of the place. “Honey, was that Dogbreath? Or was it Fishhead?” 🙂

(I’ll kick your ass if you tell me I shoulda filed this section under “inanimate objects.” She’s animated enough — just blonde.) You understand, don’t you?

But first, because I’d promised Erica an MP3, here’s an upbeat little ditty to kick off your Friday. Enjoy!

Erica had asked me a question, and rather than depleting her bandwidth, I’m answering it here: Read the rest of this entry »

Subtitle: Better left unread

I’ve been walking around with what others might call a “sinus headache,” but I believe it’s because there are about 7,000 thoughts trapped inside my head with nowhere to go and, thus, it’s actually my brain that’s hurting.

Can’t recall the last time I wrote what I think to be a proper blog entry. Since I moved to WordPress and now that I cannot modify my f’in template because I don’t know how, I’ve lost interest in this page. And without my SiteMeter, I don’t know if anybody’s reading and I wonder why they even would. 😉

I have been keeping my journal in my car, but as I have been driving more carefully of late, it does me no good. The only time I’m in my car is when I’m commuting (damn gas prices — I’m spending well above $300/month to fuel my beloved Samantha, a tiny toy car for cripes’ sake).

And when I find time at home to write, well, I’m too lazy to drag my ass outside to get the book. It’s filled with half-assed entries and rants that were started with good intentions of solving whatever self-created drama I sought to immortalize. So, say it with me, “What’s the point?”

The thing is, when your life revolves around one thing (work, and admittedly, gratefully so), and when blogging about work might have gotten you into a spot of trouble in your previous life, you are understandably loath to share anything that might hint (even in the slightest) of things that puzzle or “challenge” you. But it also makes you wary of sharing things that entertain, please or maybe even intrigue you.

So what do you blog about, then, when you don’t have a goddamned thing going on that’s worth sharing? Do you really need to hear about my $275 speeding ticket, my $115 property tax fee (for the joy of vehicle ownership in Virginia), my now-$120/month insurance fees because of an accident that my insurance company claims was my fault despite the fact that Some Dumb Bitch was up MY ass when I was more than halfway backed out of a parking spot?

Oh, and today is the day I am to be given my four-month eviction notice from my apartment. My paycheck waved goodbye before it even got here, and the next one is already half-spent. Not to mention that I forgot to pay my phone bill (since July. whoops), so there went another $165.

Yet, if I look at where I was at this time last year (jobless), I wouldn’t trade this year’s mess for the world.

One day, I’m going to get over being scared of my own shadow — says She Who Used to be Fearless — and quit simply being grateful that things aren’t worse. I’m surrounded by success stories — it’s time I figured out how to become one of them.

I hate September. My head is so full of sinus drippings that I cannot seem to find room to fit or form a thought amid the snarfalicious chaos and pressure. I feel like a cartoon character with a blank balloon above my head.

Not to mention my inability to wear makeup because my eyes are a-waterin’ something fierce. It’s like Halloween came early for me — sca-RY!

And you know what happens when I have nary a whisper of a proper blog entry — tunage!

And it’s groovy kinda shit, too. Like, be happy or at least lapse into a trance, right? 😉

Love in Traffic (John Creamer mix) — Satoshi Tomiie
“Chocolate (Club Silenciore mix)” — Kylie Minogue
“Don’t Make Me Want You” — Dublex Inc. f/Alice Russel
“One Word (Chris Cox club mix) — Kelly Osbourne