Caterwauling

Working at home this morning

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

One of my Facebook friends shared a thought along the lines of the fact that God doesn’t put you in any situation that He also doesn’t give you the grace to get through.

So not only did I just drive home from getting groceries for the Exiled Houseguest and myself, but the town was flooded AND I came home to the roof leaking in my apartment again.

And don’t get me started how the dimwits put two high-wattage bulbs in my brand-new fridge, causing all my food to spoil. But when I dumped out my curdled milk this morning, guess what? The sink backed up and the garbage disposal died!

*sigh* Oh, the glamorous life I lead — don’t you wish you were me?

I had gotten to thinking today about how I am too trusting, whether I believe the hype or simply just get caught up in some excitement and forget to put on my “jaded” sunglasses.

I guess I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I’m so damn lonely, I look at everyone as a potential friend or ally. As my adventures in high school should have taught me, that’s just not the case. Everybody’s out for something, and that something is probably blood.

I would hate to lose my trusting nature, though. I really do want to believe everyone is good. But everywhere I turn these days, I seem to be finding only the contrary to be true.

It occurs to me that I get so damn frustrated with my mom because she’s the one person I can count on to have my back. And she always has, and always will. But I get so upset that I can’t always communicate with her because she’s being a Negative Nelly or otherwise causing stress for me. And I don’t know quite else where to turn for a confidential venting.

That’s the thing. I am so bottled up anymore that the weirdest things come out of my mouth at the weirdest times. And I want to take them back five seconds after they’re out, because I don’t mean a word I say sometimes. I just need a “safe place” to just carry on and then move on with my life.

That place used to be Twitter. Sometimes Facebook. But nothing ever beats a good, old-fashioned bitch session with a friend. And when I don’t get those, I end up carrying around a case full of crabbiness that shouldn’t be given the time of day, and yet it consumes me when I don’t have an outlet. Hence, a whole lot of snark and maybe even some misdirected aggression.

I was talking to someone lately and noted how I tend to diagnose people when I don’t know what to make of them. That tends to help me to approach a situation from another angle.

My own diagnosis is that I am as passive-aggressive as it gets. When given the opportunity to say my peace (or is it piece? My grammatical skills are in the toilet today), I clam up and get hopping mad at myself for missing a chance to really have an honest discussion.

I feel like I should be on-guard at all times, and I hate that. I don’t do the “guilty till proven innocent” thing. I trust and I reward trustworthiness. I feel like I’ve really been missing out on the relationship front — of having one reliable partner who will keep your secrets and screw your head back on straight before you face the world.

That’s probably why I’ve never shut the blog down. It’s my one chance to empty my brain and maybe even get some validation that I’m not completely crazy. (And people will e-mail me privately to tell me when I am.)

I just want to thank everyone who’s been incredibly patient for me during this stress-filled summer. I’m hoping that what one of my new “friends” (in quotes till proven otherwise) said, and that’s that my little black cloud has burst and it’s all sunshine from here.

Maybe that’s what I need, for that stupid raincloud to go the fuck away, to free up some energy to find some like minds in this area. Because I really don’t have a lot to complain about — I just wish I had more to brag about (not that I’d ever brag!), so that the little crappy crap would remain at the small size that it was always intended to be, and the awesomeness will be magnified the way it should.

Hello, Hoomin

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

That’d be “clusterfuck,” on the off-chance that you had a good day and can’t fathom a day like I had!

Maddie’s been gone for a month now, so I expect that’s why today has done nothing but SUCK.

Chaos reigned before I even left the house. You think you’d think of all the details, but nope, not so much. Let’s say I dropped a very small ball but another ball got not just dropped, but bounced out the window, and even though all was well in the end, there was a very tense hour that sort of set the tone for the day.

A few other dominoes fell over, but I surprised myself at saying, well, dem’s the brakes. No situation was ideal today, but I have too much to do and not enough time in which to do it all, so I will sleep well (actually, it’s too quiet here to sleep) knowing that I did everything I could.

What I wouldn’t give to have my Maddie curled up in my lap right now, purring loudly and lovingly, and taking all the pain away as only she knew how.

Just not the same here without you, puss. …

Somewhere over the ocean

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

I could tell you how the movers came two hours late, and ran three hours over budget. And I could say how I wasn’t sure I was getting the keys to mom’s place until after we had brought the truck to my new place.

And I could flip the fuck out that the price we’d discussed for her place isn’t “exactly’ what I had in mind. For that matter, nor was the moving cost.

I could also tell you about the torrential downpour that thwarted the move. And how the electricity kept flickering off as we jammed boxes and furniture into the too-tiny elevators.

I could mention that my couch didn’t fit in the elevators and my movers had to drag it up seven very-narrow flights of stairs. I could also mention that another person was moving in at the same time I was, and I got hit on by their movers.

I could also tell you that I parted with my phone number and he’s already called, but you already know what a shameless hussy I am. 😉

But what I WILL tell you is that after my bank account got drained, my soul got deflated and my will got broken, Mom and I stood on my balcony after the rain and saw this GORGEOUS double rainbow.

I thought of my little Maddie, whose ashes I had in the front seat as I drove here and whose happy purr has been the only thing I’ve lived for, for the past 13 years. And I thought of the Rainbow Bridge, where our pets are supposedly waiting for us to join them once again.

And it’s going to be so very hard to do all of this, and handle everything in my life that I have to handle. But whether this was Maddie’s way or God’s way or the universe’s way of telling me that I’m meant to be here and that I’m going to turn out OK, I finally got the feeling that, sure, it’s gonna be so hard. But that maybe, just maybe, I’ve got something new to keep living and working for. …

Bright spot

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

It was a blazing hot day and a rainy-ass night.

I hauled ass packing my place today — my mom saw all the shit packed in the late afternoon and was impressed with my progress, but what she didn’t realize was that I had done all of that in the morning and was working in the afternoon.

I keep trying not to take life too seriously, but today wasn’t a good day on that front.

I hauled one carload of crap to the new apartment, and all I did was look in the mirror, searching for Maddie. During the last move, she roamed the car and climbed in and out of boxes.

God, I miss that puss.

I was feeling guilty because she had tried so hard to sit in the front seat with me, and I kept preventing her from getting past the armrest. I had all my papers and shit that I didn’t want her to mess up.

Now, that all seems so trivial. I wish I had the memory of her sitting in the front seat next to me. But the memories of her nuzzling my elbows with her head are plenty to keep me both happy and sad, all at the same time.

“She’s been here too few years
To feel this old.”

— Matchbox 20, “Hang”

I often stop and wonder with this epic move whether I done lost my mind. I mean, paying for two apartments? Am I high?

But the cost of my sanity and freedom really knows no price tag. It’s just money. Really. This is the first thing I’ve ever done for me. If I don’t have a bright spot in my world, I’m never going to make it.

The move is Saturday, which was why it was imperative to get everything packed today. I’m lucky I’m a pro at this moving thing. I still have a lot of loose ends to tie up, glass to wrap, surfaces to scrub.

I don’t think all of my furniture is going to fit in our tiny elevators. And I don’t know that I am really that interested in having the movers drag it up seven floors of steps. I have so precious little that it would suck to lose the one or two “good” pieces I have.

But maybe it’s just another mark of starting over — get rid of all the memories and maybe I’ll be compelled to make some new ones.

My heart is so heavy tonight. But I keep trying to thank God for everything I have, and everywhere I’m going. This is just a tough phase. In another six weeks, a whole lot of pressure will be alleviated, financial and otherwise.

But seeing the sun set on the Intracoastal tonight? Reminded me of why I’m here on this earth or, at least, it made my heart leap a little bit at just the beauty I’ll be able to behold every single day when I’m in my new place.

I keep thinking in terms of “the year I lived in the penthouse,” like I’m planning my autobiography. But I don’t just want it to be a year — I want it to be for a decade. I want mom to get a job already so she can pay for her own place. I want to not think in terms of how hard it’s going to be but how pleasant it will be instead.

And fun. It’s got to be fun. Sure, it’s in the middle of fucking nowhere, but that’s OK. That’s what I need right now. My space. My peace. The sound of my own voice in my head not being drowned out by absolutely everything else.

I can’t wait to hear what I have to say.

As seen in my inbox courtesy of The Daily Om:

Honoring Life Changes
The Wisdom of Fear

Anything worth doing will always have some fear attached to it. For example, having a baby, getting married, changing careers—all of these life changes can bring up deep fears. It helps to remember that this type of fear is good. It is your way of questioning whether you really want the new life these changes will bring. It is also a potent reminder that releasing and grieving the past is a necessary part of moving into the new.

Fear has a way of throwing us off balance, making us feel uncertain and insecure, but it is not meant to discourage us. Its purpose is to notify us that we are at the edge of our comfort zone, poised in between the old life and a new one. Whenever we face our fear, we overcome an inner obstacle and move into new and life-enhancing territory, both inside and out. The more we learn to respect and even welcome fear, the more we will be able to hear its wisdom, wisdom that will let us know that the time has come to move forward, or not. While comfort with fear is a contradiction in terms, we can learn to honor our fear, recognizing its arrival, listening to its intelligence, and respecting it as a harbinger of transformation. Indeed, it informs us that the change we are contemplating is significant, enabling us to approach it with the proper reverence.

You might wish to converse with your fear, plumbing its depths for a greater understanding of the change you are making. You could do this by sitting quietly in meditation and listening or by journaling. Writing down whatever comes up—your worries, your sadness, your excitement, your hopes—is a great way to learn about yourself through the vehicle of fear and to remember that fear almost always comes alongside anything worth doing in your life.

Sweet girl

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

I realize I never really gave any love to Kadie on the Web. So, O HAI, I do have another cat, for the 99% of you who never knew it. 🙂

Today was another fucked-up one. As I was getting out of the car this morning, a random bit of Maddie’s fur found its way onto my shirt. I realized it was hers and started sobbing. I know, shocker, right?

So the chain of unfortunate events followed that I popped my trunk, as I always do because I throw my laptop in there when I drive. But today, I had put the laptop in the backseat.

So it was about noon and I finally decided to go find my glasses in my car, which have been there for days and, since I iz an editor, I’ve needed them.

I walked to the car, saw that MY TRUNK WAS OPEN, and had a moment of OMGWTFGODDESS. Nothing seemed to be missing (it’s mostly clothes and takeout menus). I locked it up and grabbed my glasses.

Walked all the way back to work before realizing they were my SUNglasses.

Back to the car to do the glasses exchange. A five-minute journey had turned into 15 at this point.

Oh well. The sun felt good, even if the heat is downright scrotal right now in South Floriduh.

I don’t know what I did with Maddie’s fur. I was actually excited, as it was going to be my only real keepsake of when she was mine.

Everyone keeps saying it’ll get better. I don’t believe it for a second. But for Kadie’s sake, I’ve got to try.

One week gone

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Got the call to come pick up Maddie’s ashes today.

Dear God.

She’s really gone.

I sat outside the pet hospital for I don’t know how long, just clutching the little vase wrapped up all pretty in a tiny gift bag with tissue, just sobbing.

They gave me a beautiful white urn, tightly sealed, with “Maddie” engraved in black. And put her in a little gift bag with a simple ribbon with her name on it.

Oh, the humanity. This was SO not the plan. I want an undo button on this.

When we cremated my great-grandmother, they gave us a lousy cardboard box. Yes, my cat got better than a human.

I needed for it to be special. I had prepared myself for a tiny box. Instead, I got a tiny urn. It’s not pretty enough for my gorgeous baby, of course. But something very nice till I find the right resting place for her.

My big, bouncing ball of fur now fits in the palm of my hand.

She’s next to her favorite Garfield toy on my bookcase right now. Garfield is bigger than her now.

But nothing’s bigger than the hole in my heart.

And that heart just broke all over again.

Hugs and Kisses

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Yes, it’s the “all Maddie, all the time” channel here at Caterwauling. Suck it if you don’t like it. 🙂

I’m beat. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, with enough baggage under my eyes to get me overseas for a month, and wondered whether I’d ever be whole again when I wasn’t even half a person to start with when I lost my little girl.

I realize I haven’t had a hug in weeks. I hugged the shit out of Maddie. But even in the waiting room at the vet, before she even passed, my mom tried to hug me. I shoved her away. I don’t do affection. My way of saying “I love you” is the fact that I haven’t smothered you with a pillow. That goes for about 98% of the population.

While I can go on about how I keep thinking I hear Maddie, and all the cute things she did that I tried not to take for granted, what continues to amaze me are all the e-mails and notes I’m getting via social media not just from my friends, but from perfect strangers who read Maddie’s blog once upon a time and checked back in on her.

I’ve gotten e-mails over the years, asking if she were OK, since stopped blogging as her. I never really thanked everyone for their concern, but I loved them for it.

So, to get so many encouraging notes with prayers and memories of laughing with my precocious puss has been as heartwarming as it is heartbreaking.

I’d said I’m done with pets. And yet people ask me when I’m going to get another one. I’ve already put out the “I’ll punch the next person who asks” press release on that topic. But I got a nice note from a stranger who asked me to think about someday going to a shelter and saving a critter from euthanasia.

To imply that I have a good, loving home and that some pet won’t live another day because my heart is too broken, well, I got the hint. I guess I was honored that people would read her crazy stories and think I was a fit pet parent. 😉

So, I’ll table the issue for now. I tried to swim the other night and my heart was too heavy to let my pudgy pork roast ass float. But I did see a Maddie-shaped cloud, complete with fluffy tail and bunny-rabbit ears, and I figured that was the universe’s way of telling me she’s reached the Rainbow Bridge.

I loved this photo and wanted to share it tonight. I had just gotten my little Washington Nationals bear a couple of weeks ago. I planned to take it to the office to place him with my thinkorswim gorilla and my Steelers teddy bear.

I was afraid to let Maddie near it, with the fleas and all, but since I confiscated all her other toys, I thought I’d let her sniff him. She immediately wrapped her arm around him and gave him kisses.

And while I’ve got a million briliiant — better — photos of Maddie, this is the way I remember her most clearly. She always sat on the back of the couch with her butt behind my head and a paw on my shoulder. When she wanted love, she’d butt her head against mine and purr louder than my rattling deathtrap of a car.

So to see her loving on my bear, I was glad to know that he was something she loved, since I have nothing left of her.

Mom and I had done such a scrub-down on the house that nary a cat whisker or hair from her poor little body was in sight. And all I want is some piece of her, other than the ashes arriving in two weeks, to hold in my hands.

I know she’ll be in my heart, but the only thing I saved was her collar, which I’d been tempted to toss because it was too big anyway, but it’s all I’ve got now.

A friend of ours who’s a funeral director, who took care of both of my grandparents’ funerals, pointed me toward a wonderful pet memorial site and I intend to order these adorable angel kitty charms for Mom and me.

I just can’t believe that I’m shopping for urns when I was always out picking up new toys every week. (I would be the one who went into hysterics in the cat food aisle in Publix yesterday. Glad that was captured on the security camera. *waves*)

Oh, hell, I’ve gone so long without makeup, I can’t even tell you where I left my cosmetic bag last. Does it really matter? I mean, Mom was nuts because I forgot to lock up the house the other night. I’m like, “The most-precious possession I have is gone. Does it really matter?”

Kadie’s been nothing short of a dream. I think she knows her sister is gone. Before we left for the emergency vet on Saturday, Mom put a towel down on the floor and placed Maddie there for a moment. Kadie ran up to Maddie and licked her ears.

Since Maddie stopped cleaning herself, Kadie always seemed to take over the ears. And Kadie gave each ear one last lick, and it’s like she wished her well.

But even now, when the humans forget themselves and tell Kadie, as they always had, “Go get Maddie!” at mealtime, she runs around in circles like, “Oh, cool! She’s here!” And then she gets disoriented and gives us the stinkeye.

Kadie has been sleeping in Maddie’s spot on my bed. She NEVER slept on my bed. EVER. She also listens to me way more with far less (if any) complaint.

I wonder if she were always wanting my full attention. She never had it. Not even the bulk of it. So maybe she was rambunctious for that reason. Now that she “has” me, I don’t want to say she’s happy because ain’t nobody happy here, but she’s reaping the benefits of being an only child.

*sigh*

I got nothin’ right now. Just overworked, overwhelmed and over this cosmic joke. I miss my lil’ Muffin, but I’m glad to have heard from everyone who hugged their kitties extra-tightly at my encouraging.

Now if only I could find someone to hug *me* and not just tell me I’ll be OK, but also make me actually believe it. Only Maddie was ever able to heal me. That was perfect love, yo. I’m honored to have been the recipient of it for as long as she had it to give. …

Mirror Mirror

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

“Today my heart is big and sore
It’s tryin’ to push right through my skin
I won’t see you anymore
I guess that’s finally sinkin’ in.”

— Patty Griffin, “Goodbye”

I put one last post on Maddie’s blog. Thank you, Angie, for reminding me that what started out as silly and funny is truly a scrapbook of a wonderful little life with my beautiful little girl.

And thank you, everyone, for loving her, too.

Licky licky

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

“I’m selfish and I’m sad
I’ve lost the best baby that I ever had.”

— Joni Mitchell, “River”

It’s been 12 hours since my baby died in my arms. I’ve never known grief like this.

Now that Maddie’s gone after 13 years as my best friend in the world, traveling companion and source of unconditional love, I feel like my heart went away.

Every time I’ve lost someone, there’s been other repercussions to worry about — mostly financial.

I think she’s the first I’ve ever really grieved. Not just first pet, although she is that, too. But I’ve lost so many people I’ve loved, and she’s the only one I didn’t necessarily *need* in my life, but 100% wanted.

Everyone may remember my stories of her crapping all over the planet. But other than that, I have nothing but praise for this beautiful Calico.

I could wax poetic about her a million times over. And probably will. But one story I want to tell is how I was leaving for work the other day, and I was in the doorway talking to my mom. Maddie left her spot on my bed in the next room, came up to me to rub against my legs and be petted, and went back to her perch.

She always waited for me to come home from jobs that suck all my daylight hours and then some out of me. Oftentimes, after a miserable day, I’d close my bedroom door to get a good, cat-free sleep. (It’s mostly her sister Kadie who gave me rough nights.)

Maddie always seemed to sense this, and most of the time, she’d sneak into my room between the time she greeted me and the time I closed the door. She was frail toward the end (which I either didn’t notice or refused to acknowledge), but she could run. Because she wasn’t going to miss a night of sleeping curled up at my side if she could help it,

Kadie tried to sleep in my bed last night. (I “slept” on Maddie’s slide.) My bed was always Maddie’s turf. Maddie would let Kadie eat first … let her have first crack at every new toy, litterbox, whatever. But sleeping at my side was the only thing she fought for.

Now, getting a good sleep is something I may never have again … at least, not for a long while. The house feels empty and everything else just feels so wrong.

I just never woke up knowing that yesterday would be her last day on earth … and that it would be the absolute worst day of my life, although today isn’t feeling any better, either.

Someone asked me recently whether I’d ever felt true love. I said no. I realize now that I lied. Maddie was the love of my life.

So, if you’re so inclined, please say a prayer for her and have a drink in her honor. And if you are enjoying a sunny day or even the rain (she loved both), wave to her up in that giant litterbox in the sky and tell God how lucky he is to have her back.

I never adequately thanked the person who gave her to me. She was just supposed to stay with me temporarily. But then I fell in love with her and there was no turning back. So, thank you for making sure my feline soulmate and I got a decade-plus together.

As for me, I learned long ago that we’re both in our sixth lives, if you believe in reincarnation. So I told her to wait for me because we have a million more adventures in store, next time around.

I just don’t know what to do without her in the meantime. She’s more like me than any human child could be. I fear, even if I do have the “real” kind, she’ll always be my favorite. God knows I’m done with the feline kind — I’ve already had the perfect pet.

Adding to the hurt is that I never got to take her to our new apartment. She would have loved it. If we weren’t in the late stages of Flea-a-palooza, I would have taken her for a visit. The bonus for me is that the place has linoleum floors — ideal for cats who miss the box by a room or two.

My plan was to give Kadie to Mom, and Maddie and I would finally, finally have our lives back. Just like old times, just the two of us. The way we loved it best.

While it’s been torturous for me to have Mom living here the past two years, she did nothing (literally) but love my cats. Always singing, dancing, talking, playing with them. Drove me nuts. I hated it.

But now that I realize just how alone I left Maddie to go sell my soul to pay the bills, I’m glad Mom was there to love her while I wasn’t around.

Thank you for loving me, Maddie. Gram and Grampy will take good care of you till I get there. …