Seeking grace

One of my Facebook friends shared a thought along the lines of the fact that God doesn’t put you in any situation that He also doesn’t give you the grace to get through.

So not only did I just drive home from getting groceries for the Exiled Houseguest and myself, but the town was flooded AND I came home to the roof leaking in my apartment again.

And don’t get me started how the dimwits put two high-wattage bulbs in my brand-new fridge, causing all my food to spoil. But when I dumped out my curdled milk this morning, guess what? The sink backed up and the garbage disposal died!

*sigh* Oh, the glamorous life I lead — don’t you wish you were me?

I had gotten to thinking today about how I am too trusting, whether I believe the hype or simply just get caught up in some excitement and forget to put on my “jaded” sunglasses.

I guess I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I’m so damn lonely, I look at everyone as a potential friend or ally. As my adventures in high school should have taught me, that’s just not the case. Everybody’s out for something, and that something is probably blood.

I would hate to lose my trusting nature, though. I really do want to believe everyone is good. But everywhere I turn these days, I seem to be finding only the contrary to be true.

It occurs to me that I get so damn frustrated with my mom because she’s the one person I can count on to have my back. And she always has, and always will. But I get so upset that I can’t always communicate with her because she’s being a Negative Nelly or otherwise causing stress for me. And I don’t know quite else where to turn for a confidential venting.

That’s the thing. I am so bottled up anymore that the weirdest things come out of my mouth at the weirdest times. And I want to take them back five seconds after they’re out, because I don’t mean a word I say sometimes. I just need a “safe place” to just carry on and then move on with my life.

That place used to be Twitter. Sometimes Facebook. But nothing ever beats a good, old-fashioned bitch session with a friend. And when I don’t get those, I end up carrying around a case full of crabbiness that shouldn’t be given the time of day, and yet it consumes me when I don’t have an outlet. Hence, a whole lot of snark and maybe even some misdirected aggression.

I was talking to someone lately and noted how I tend to diagnose people when I don’t know what to make of them. That tends to help me to approach a situation from another angle.

My own diagnosis is that I am as passive-aggressive as it gets. When given the opportunity to say my peace (or is it piece? My grammatical skills are in the toilet today), I clam up and get hopping mad at myself for missing a chance to really have an honest discussion.

I feel like I should be on-guard at all times, and I hate that. I don’t do the “guilty till proven innocent” thing. I trust and I reward trustworthiness. I feel like I’ve really been missing out on the relationship front — of having one reliable partner who will keep your secrets and screw your head back on straight before you face the world.

That’s probably why I’ve never shut the blog down. It’s my one chance to empty my brain and maybe even get some validation that I’m not completely crazy. (And people will e-mail me privately to tell me when I am.)

I just want to thank everyone who’s been incredibly patient for me during this stress-filled summer. I’m hoping that what one of my new “friends” (in quotes till proven otherwise) said, and that’s that my little black cloud has burst and it’s all sunshine from here.

Maybe that’s what I need, for that stupid raincloud to go the fuck away, to free up some energy to find some like minds in this area. Because I really don’t have a lot to complain about — I just wish I had more to brag about (not that I’d ever brag!), so that the little crappy crap would remain at the small size that it was always intended to be, and the awesomeness will be magnified the way it should.

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