Caterwauling

Hugs and Kisses

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Yes, it’s the “all Maddie, all the time” channel here at Caterwauling. Suck it if you don’t like it. 🙂

I’m beat. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, with enough baggage under my eyes to get me overseas for a month, and wondered whether I’d ever be whole again when I wasn’t even half a person to start with when I lost my little girl.

I realize I haven’t had a hug in weeks. I hugged the shit out of Maddie. But even in the waiting room at the vet, before she even passed, my mom tried to hug me. I shoved her away. I don’t do affection. My way of saying “I love you” is the fact that I haven’t smothered you with a pillow. That goes for about 98% of the population.

While I can go on about how I keep thinking I hear Maddie, and all the cute things she did that I tried not to take for granted, what continues to amaze me are all the e-mails and notes I’m getting via social media not just from my friends, but from perfect strangers who read Maddie’s blog once upon a time and checked back in on her.

I’ve gotten e-mails over the years, asking if she were OK, since stopped blogging as her. I never really thanked everyone for their concern, but I loved them for it.

So, to get so many encouraging notes with prayers and memories of laughing with my precocious puss has been as heartwarming as it is heartbreaking.

I’d said I’m done with pets. And yet people ask me when I’m going to get another one. I’ve already put out the “I’ll punch the next person who asks” press release on that topic. But I got a nice note from a stranger who asked me to think about someday going to a shelter and saving a critter from euthanasia.

To imply that I have a good, loving home and that some pet won’t live another day because my heart is too broken, well, I got the hint. I guess I was honored that people would read her crazy stories and think I was a fit pet parent. 😉

So, I’ll table the issue for now. I tried to swim the other night and my heart was too heavy to let my pudgy pork roast ass float. But I did see a Maddie-shaped cloud, complete with fluffy tail and bunny-rabbit ears, and I figured that was the universe’s way of telling me she’s reached the Rainbow Bridge.

I loved this photo and wanted to share it tonight. I had just gotten my little Washington Nationals bear a couple of weeks ago. I planned to take it to the office to place him with my thinkorswim gorilla and my Steelers teddy bear.

I was afraid to let Maddie near it, with the fleas and all, but since I confiscated all her other toys, I thought I’d let her sniff him. She immediately wrapped her arm around him and gave him kisses.

And while I’ve got a million briliiant — better — photos of Maddie, this is the way I remember her most clearly. She always sat on the back of the couch with her butt behind my head and a paw on my shoulder. When she wanted love, she’d butt her head against mine and purr louder than my rattling deathtrap of a car.

So to see her loving on my bear, I was glad to know that he was something she loved, since I have nothing left of her.

Mom and I had done such a scrub-down on the house that nary a cat whisker or hair from her poor little body was in sight. And all I want is some piece of her, other than the ashes arriving in two weeks, to hold in my hands.

I know she’ll be in my heart, but the only thing I saved was her collar, which I’d been tempted to toss because it was too big anyway, but it’s all I’ve got now.

A friend of ours who’s a funeral director, who took care of both of my grandparents’ funerals, pointed me toward a wonderful pet memorial site and I intend to order these adorable angel kitty charms for Mom and me.

I just can’t believe that I’m shopping for urns when I was always out picking up new toys every week. (I would be the one who went into hysterics in the cat food aisle in Publix yesterday. Glad that was captured on the security camera. *waves*)

Oh, hell, I’ve gone so long without makeup, I can’t even tell you where I left my cosmetic bag last. Does it really matter? I mean, Mom was nuts because I forgot to lock up the house the other night. I’m like, “The most-precious possession I have is gone. Does it really matter?”

Kadie’s been nothing short of a dream. I think she knows her sister is gone. Before we left for the emergency vet on Saturday, Mom put a towel down on the floor and placed Maddie there for a moment. Kadie ran up to Maddie and licked her ears.

Since Maddie stopped cleaning herself, Kadie always seemed to take over the ears. And Kadie gave each ear one last lick, and it’s like she wished her well.

But even now, when the humans forget themselves and tell Kadie, as they always had, “Go get Maddie!” at mealtime, she runs around in circles like, “Oh, cool! She’s here!” And then she gets disoriented and gives us the stinkeye.

Kadie has been sleeping in Maddie’s spot on my bed. She NEVER slept on my bed. EVER. She also listens to me way more with far less (if any) complaint.

I wonder if she were always wanting my full attention. She never had it. Not even the bulk of it. So maybe she was rambunctious for that reason. Now that she “has” me, I don’t want to say she’s happy because ain’t nobody happy here, but she’s reaping the benefits of being an only child.

*sigh*

I got nothin’ right now. Just overworked, overwhelmed and over this cosmic joke. I miss my lil’ Muffin, but I’m glad to have heard from everyone who hugged their kitties extra-tightly at my encouraging.

Now if only I could find someone to hug *me* and not just tell me I’ll be OK, but also make me actually believe it. Only Maddie was ever able to heal me. That was perfect love, yo. I’m honored to have been the recipient of it for as long as she had it to give. …

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 5th, 2009 at 8:31 PM and is filed under Existential Meanderings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.