Caterwauling

Gorgeous!!!

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Ah, Key Largo. Crayola executives probably take their boats out into the Atlantic to dream up their newest colors. I don’t even know what to call this, other than extraordinary.

I introduced someone new to the blog today. Perhaps against my better judgment. But I don’t blog as much as I used to, so there is far less incriminating evidence on this page than there used to be. 😉

I’d rather have stories and scandal and choose not to tell them, than try to make my life sound interesting when it might not be. Let’s just say it is, and leave it at that.

I had a dream that I got fired. And it was no big deal, really. I made one phone call and was hired as the publisher at a new company my friends just started. (My friends really liked that dream!)

I am in the position I wanted, but someone else in a similar position deals with the subject matter that I am a master at. It’s very weird. On one hand, I’m like … but I know that stuff (trading) so well — why did they assign us the divisions they did?

And then on a day like today, where I got an incredible compliment from someone I NEVER expected one from, I realize that I’m growing. Sure, the subject matter (investing) isn’t my forte. it’s borderline dreadful on a bad day. But I have a lot to learn, and I’ll emerge from this smarter.

I learned the hard stuff first. Story of my career, actually. I learned options before I learned how to trade. I learned trading before I learned about long-term investing. Normal people do it the complete opposite. Most never learn options. I can teach them in my sleep.

Mind you, I don’t trade. Cash flow issue. 😉 But those who can’t, apparently market and edit for those who do!

I’ve been in friggin’ la-la land in my head these past few weeks. Perhaps it’s that the subject matter — say it with me — is bo-ring. Maybe I’m avoiding reality. (If only one could get paid a salary for that. …)

Mom’s really sick. I mean *really* sick. And I’m just so tired and burned-out and over it all, you know? I have traveled about a half-dozen times in the last month and I have a week away in a week from now. And I can’t wait to run for the (northern) border once again.

I am bummed that a friend who was supposed to head to Canada with me next week isn’t going. Another friend might meet the caravan, but I don’t know. I do love that my friendships are transcontinental. I’m more likely to see someone on the road than I am living in their damn zip code!

Lady L and I made a pact to visit the Emerald Isle next year. Speaking of transcontinental friendships, I’ve been meaning to reconnect with a friend from that area. I suck at this shit. I really do.

There’s a period in my life where everything went to hell, and I single-handedly destroyed every friendship I had at the time. Granted, a lot of fair-weathered types flocked the fuck away. But there were those who wanted to be there. And I just … couldn’t. And every time I look back, I feel those feelings of just, utter defeat. And I think I don’t deserve to have those friends back, because I couldn’t nurture those relationships.

So, their e-mails sit read, but unanswered, in my Facebook and LinkedIn accounts. I don’t know what to say. O HAI I suck. You look great. Congratulations on your life events. Wish I hadn’t gone through that dark period because we missed out on a lifetime of friendship. Kisses!

Yeah.

Anyway, this year … this summer … has been all about reconnecting. With my beloveds. With nature. With myself.

My friends who travel like I do, often get homesick. Not me. I find myself when I’m on the road. It’s when I’m home that I’m kinda lost.

I’m lucky that at least I’ve had the pleasure of making my own acquaintance. And if I have to get a passport stamp to go have dinner with her every once in a while, so be it.

That’s for my boat. Someday…

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Today’s highlights:

1. An employee who was, ah, overlooked in some way (don’t ask) graciously said, “This is the best place I’ve ever worked. Truly.” And my boss responded with, “Huh? Where did you work before? (Goddess’ old company?)” *snort*

2. A friend referring to an e-mail we all laughed at: “Committee? Don’t they mean ‘psychotic, under-qualified, disbarred bunch of assholes’?”

3. Blowing the cover off the biggest, stupidest lie EVER.

4. Having my 2 p.m. meeting canceled on Meeting Tuesday^TM.

5. Using said meeting slot to go buy cupcakes!

6. Eating said cupcakes. Some of them. :9

7. A Starbucks run with my boss. And getting a sort-of promotion.

8. Pushing off a pain-in-the-ass project or two.

9. Lovely messages from friends around the globe. And a late-day bitch fest with mah girl T.

10. Turning 30. For the 7th time. (Or was that just turning 35 again?)

Ra, Baltimore

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

“Keeping her desire paralyzed
She catches from the corner of her eyes
Tank top, smooth skin, sunned lips, tan thighs
How the hell is this ache ever gonna die?”

— Melissa Etheridge, “The Wanting of You”

Methinks somebunny opened up a floodgate that was never really securely fastened anyway.

And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

I haven’t been taking care of myself lately. I wish I had. But today I’ll start making up for lost time, since that seems to be the theme of my life these days.

*smiling to myself*

DSCN5673

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

“You swore that you were bound for glory
And for wanting you, I had no shame
But I loved you, and then I lost you
And I will never be the same.”

— Melissa Etheridge, “I Will Never Be the Same”

I’ve been singing that damn song for days. Apparently Memory Lane spans across state lines.

I wonder if, in fact, that if you wish for something long and hard enough, it actually comes true.

I was probably more certain then than I am now. But I’ve left skid marks going around this block as many times as I have, and there’s a certain level of “What’s left to lose other than time and a whole lot more?”

And yet, I still get shy. Like, the 1% doubt that I’m hallucinating is a pretty powerful percentage when it comes right down to it.

But all I can really say is this. I have re-lived a moment in my head a good thousand or so times over the years. And that moment came right back around again.

This time, I owned it. I didn’t then. I did now.

And damn it all anyway, if I can have a moment on command, I’m going to start wishing bigger.

I can’t wait to see what comes of it when I do!

Mt. Vernon, early evening

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

So, I was afraid of this.

Not Maryland (although, when I lived in Northern Virginia, I was certainly afraid of Maryland drivers! Hell, I am one and I’m STILL afraid). But of coming back and never wanting to leave.

With the weather turning nasty here in Washington today, I wonder whether my flight back down to the land of sand and palm trees will be canceled.

And I’m kinda OK with that. Well, minus the inconvenience and expense and all that jazz. 😉

I just feel like I’m home. Not so much in D.C., although I love having instant access to it. But while my life in Florida feels like an extended vacation (minus the working-for-a-living part), I wouldn’t mind moseying back to Maryland under the right conditions.

Maybe I’m just enjoying my resumption of the “world traveler” role, as I’m no longer stuck in a dark corner with a roach motel under my desk, longing for a glimpse of sunlight and fighting against the current for anything resembling meaning and reason.

I met some extraordinary people this weekend, and was reunited with just as many amazing old friends. And it’s nice to have money in my pocket for nice dinners and other experiences as opposed to picking up a silly little souvenir that I’ll toss in two years.

I’ve got a full day ahead before flying back to the life I’ve built on stilts over the Intracoastal. But as for the fear I mentioned earlier, it’s that I’d come back and never want to leave.

I think if I were going back to my first incarnation of existence in Florida, I’d probably find an apartment RIGHT NOW here in Maryland and send for my things. But I’m OK with going back to my home base because I know I can escape at any moment.

My challenge right now is knowing that I CAN run away … that I don’t HAVE to love where I am because I can just run for the hills on command. Because, it’s tempting. And I don’t know that I can truly love where I am when I know that door is always open for me to run through it.

I wonder if that’s been the theme of my life that I’ve waited so long to identify. Maybe that’s where it all went wrong. Maybe always having my eye out for the Next Big Thing made me miss a lot of opportunities right in front of me … personally, relationally, professionally. Perhaps it’s been a mixture of feeling “not good enough” for the good things I had/have, and yet worthy of something more … whatever that is.

In any case, all the opportunities at hand are mine to lose. So I might as well seize the shit out of them all so that I can feel like I’ve truly experienced everything and didn’t put something on hold while hoping for something else to work out.

Chandelier at Brewer’s Art, Baltimore

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

I’m leaving one of my favorite cities today. Had two job offers here in Baltimore earlier this year, and pondered moving here a thousand times. But I’m lucky that I’ll just get to come up here when the mood strikes.

Last night, I had the wonderful opportunity to see someone who was very, very special to me 15 years ago. Well, special to me even today, but I think I was 21 years old when we last saw each other.

I was nuts at 21, I think. (Yes, less so than at 35, in case you’re wondering — this IS the functional version of me!)

I am kind of proud that I’ve turned out so well, and admittedly I am often sort of surprised that my dumbass behavior back then hasn’t turned (too many) people against me.

We were to meet at 8 p.m., which turned in to 9. I never admitted that I actually arrived at said destination around 7:30 (pictured). I was excited and nervous all at the same time — like, OK, what do you have to talk about after 15 years has gone by?

It was more like only 15 MINUTES had only gone by. There are friends you need to lose, friends you should never lose, and friends that you should thank your lucky stars that the world brings you together again.

We just laughed and laughed, you know? Talked about old times somewhat — about the things we remembered about each other. And none of it was us doing dumb stuff (although we did enough of that!). It was, oddly enough, things like going to church together back in the day. Spending Christmas together. Listening to music together because we were too broke to do anything else.

Age has been kind to us, we think. Life has been kind, and it’s kicked our asses. And we’re better versions of the people we were circa 1995.

We made a promise that it won’t be another 15 years that we run into each other. I mean, this event almost didn’t happen, as the door was open to reconnect and I wasn’t sure I should open it. I guess I thought I’d be the only one who was stupid-excited about this reunion. Silly girl. 😉

Well, I guess I’ve got to take my grown-up ass to work before I head south for the weekend. I just wanted to marvel that I woke up with a smile today. I do that from time to time, but today, I have a good reason!

Lake Worth Pier

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

This week would look better on fire.

Things are fine, really. I’m sort of meetinged out, so there’s nothing really to say after 6 p.m. anymore.

For those of you who have been in, let’s say, an abusive relationship of any kind … I’m sure you’ve been contacted by the nutbag ex you left. But what do you do if, say, the literal devil’s advocate tries to contact you?

For me, the breakup happens with everyone. I simply cannot trust that their sister, cousin or other disciple has only honest intentions. I wouldn’t doubt that they were offered some sort of cash prize for any information on your whereabouts.

And, sure, there’s a part of you who liked their sibling or friend. Maybe a big part of you. But where does their loyalty really lie? Even if you left without any fear, you don’t want them to decide to turn up on your doorstep anytime soon.

The fact that you didn’t file a lawsuit (or haven’t yet) doesn’t mean you’re not bitter about losing X amount of time out of your life. Moreover, it doesn’t mean that anything resembling a door is anything resembling being ajar.

There is a level of curiosity, of course. Not with the ex. But with the sibling or friend. Like, do they have the first inkling why you left, or are you just the bad girl who supposedly broke his heart?

Friends always have stories, after you’ve left someone. The “I never liked him anyway” stuff — the “oh, here’s a story I never wanted to tell you before.”

Uh … why didn’t you tell me? OK, maybe I wouldn’t have listened. But when I was agonizing over whether I was the one who was losing my mind, this would have been, oh, helpful information.

Oh well. Water under the bridge. Tracks under the crazy train. Lies, damned lies, and a whole bunch of fucking lies, lies, lies.

And I’m not about to get positioned to get run over again.

First fireworks of the night

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

This blog entry exists solely for me to work out some mental aggression. This message will self-destruct in 30 seconds.

Today has clearly been “your gas pedal must be up your ass, next to your head” day on the highway.

And my foot is about to make it a rollicking threesome for the fuckhead on the moped on the A1A who refused to A) drive above 20 mph and B) kept swerving in and out of the lane but never actually got off the road long enough for any of us to pass him.

So I went onto the big, grown-up highway where there’s more than one lane, but it’s “blue-haired, white-knuckled phantom” day (as is every day that ends in “y”). OMG, it took me a goddamned hour to get to an appointment that should’ve taken 20 minutes, tops.

And don’t get me started on the idiots who do not see that all streets are one-way. Not only are people going up the wrong fucking way, but they do it on the wrong SIDE, too. This ain’t Europe, you morons. Get a clue.

*scream*

All right, I feel MUCH better now. Carry on!

Royal Palm Way

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Had a ridiculously busy day yesterday. Stood in line for HOURS to get my passport. Played Skee-Ball on my iPhone till my eyes bled. A 4-year-old boy in front of me SCREAMED during 95% of the waiting time. I told a friend that I hope he gets deported before his trip — miserable little bastard!

Today’s another busy day and I actually have some work to do. Yeah, work on the weekend after my first official week with the new company. Welcome to my world!

I’d almost forgotten how tough it is to be the new kid. Mostly because it takes four hours to do even the smallest task because you don’t know who to call, where to find it, what the password or the secret handshake is, or what resources are in plain sight that your eyes can’t yet see.

I’m being more assertive with my time, though. No more of this “I’ll stay awake till all hours just because I have to.” Screw that crap. I’m old and I need my beauty sleep!

I wouldn’t say that this is a reinvention of the Goddess, but it is an opportunity to kind of do a “greatest hits” album. With a few new bonus tracks. I figure, I’ll sign a deal for a couple of albums, and do my best, and then move on to what I really want to do … whatever that is.

Another different attitude I carry this time is that this isn’t a stopping point. I always throw myself into a job at the expense of not only having a life, but having a career BEYOND where I’ve landed.

And I think that has worn on me in previous lives … that feeling of being “totally committed” ends up as “OMG I’m trapped.” But I’m already planning out the possibilities — nay, the probabilities — and that helps me to keep the present in immense perspective.

If I stay where I am for a long time to come, great. But I’m not there at gunpoint — that’s the point I’m making. I didn’t sell my soul; nor do I plan to.

That’s the gift of both hindsight and experience — sure, I’ll work my ass off to learn and to contribute. But at the end of the day, at the first sign of glass shards in my stomach or the first inclination to avert the gaze of the woman in the mirror, I’m done.

I swear, if I don’t end up as a career coach one of these days, I will have missed my calling. And the neat thing is, I see a million opportunities to change people’s lives — not just in my field (although that’s wonderful, too), but right in my own department.

And I think the stars have aligned such that, if ever there were a perfect time to make history in every respect, this is it.

Photo says it all. Ask and ye shall receive … a big, fat pimp-slap.

A friend sent me this awesome blog post, on how advertisers should be licensed.

And while I HEARTILY agree with the post on principle, this part was what really reminded my friend of me. …

“I wish I could make this angrier, but the only way to do that is start typing “DAMNIT DAMNIT FUCK” for several pages. I say typing because copy-pasting doesn’t release the fury I feel right now.”

Wednesday is fired. In case that wasn’t clear. And Thursday’s not looking very safe right now, either.